Benny Hinn’s Older Brother
World-famous televangelist Benny Hinn has postponed his Super Christian Crusade that was to originate in Salt Lake City, Utah at the end of June.
Reverend Hinn was airvaced today to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota to undergo emergency treatment for a life-threatening staphylococcal infection.
“Tragically, the drugs are not working as fast as we had hoped,” said Dr. Charles Lance, chief of dermatology at the Mayo Clinic.
“One of the problems with antibiotics,” said Dr. Lance, “is they lose their effectiveness if the patient has used them repeatedly.” Doctors said that VanishClap is the most effective drug against Reverend Hinn’s affliction but he has developed great resistance to it.
“Reverend Hinn has been so caught up in saving souls and dealing with the diseased that he himself has neglected his own health. Because his resistance was so low the staphylococcal infection was able to invade his body,” said his chief of staff.
Benny Hinn, who has cured staph infections in thousands of his believers, attempted to heal himself. (The problem was that he could not lay his hands on himself because his skin was so tender.)
The infection comes at a critical time in Reverend Hinn’s crusade. The Utah crusade was expected to draw three million TV viewers and bring at least one hundred thousand followers to the beehive state. Hundreds of infirm and, in many cases, dying patients were counting on being healed by the minister who is himself now too ill to attend the crusade.
The crusade dealt not only with healing but also with the Second Coming of Christ. On many occasions, Reverend Hinn has prophesied that the Savior would appear on stage with him.
“Jesus Christ is returning to Earth and he’s going to use me as a vessel. As we speak, Jesus is on his way. The reason that he is not here right now is that he has no place to stay,” said the religious leader.
In order to provide Jesus Christ with a home once he returned to earth, Reverend Hinn covenanted with God on March 12th that the Hinn Foundation would build a House for Jesus. The money will come from Hinn’s worldwide ministry that is dependent on donations from a vast television audience, many of whom are the issue of first cousins.
The House for Jesus features 148 rooms, 49 bathrooms, two Olympic-sized pools and four kitchens. It also has a garage that can accommodate a dozen new Rolls Royce cars.
“After all,” said Reverend Hinn, “we don’t want to offend the most important Person in the universe by giving Him something that is not as good as, say, the Pope’s Place.”
There are special coolers for fish that will be produced through miracles and the wine cellar has 1,000 wine bottles filled with water awaiting transformation.
Architectural renderings and blueprints show the House for Jesus overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Southern California. The estimated cost of the estate is one billion dollars.
There is speculation that Salt Lake City was selected for the kick-off because of the Mormon Tabernacle.
Reverend Hinn feels that Jesus Christ should have something bigger than the Tabernacle to sing in. Attached to the House for Jesus in Malibu will be a structure twice the size of the Tabernacle so that the Savior can have a heavenly choir nearby. “Or, if he just wanted to whistle, he’d have a place,” said Reverend Hinn.
Reverend Hinn, in a touching tribute to God and in the spirit of true brotherhood, volunteered to live in the House for Jesus, until the Savior returned to the earth.
“We’ll have twenty servants on hand 7/24 at the House of Jesus,” said Reverend Hinn. “I’ll make sure they are ready and perky when my older brother arrives.”
Reverend Hinn’s public relations department would not comment on whether or not the ministry provides handmaidens for Jesus Christ. “We can’t reveal that now,” said a spokesperson for Benny Hinn International, “however, ten of the rooms are equipped for virgins whom we may call upon from time to time to give succor to our leader.”
An unnamed nurse at the Mayo Clinic revealed that Reverend Hinn’s staphylococcal infection had been diagnosed as boils. The boils are the same strain as “The God of the Old Testament” visited on the Egyptians when he was annoyed with their idolatry.
Benny Hinn press agents said if the boils that were plaguing their leader were the same kind that the “The God of the Old Testament” gave the Egyptians, it only proved “that the Devil is trying to thwart the Hinn Worldwide Ministry. Often the Devil pretends to be God.”
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