Category Archives: Wacky tales

FAKE NEWS

President Trump says he does not do Fake News and I believe him. He is making American and the world a better place and enriching this country by reaching out to the major leaders of the world. Before Mr. Tump came to power the Russians wanted to kill us. Now Putin and Trump are good […]

The Miracle Seagulls

Religions are a combination of good and evil. Most converts to these religions are an amalgam of good and evil. How do “sinners” seeking spiritual guidance nail down the right religion? Often through the good works of missionaries. I was a Mormon Missionary in New Zealand where I brought 34 converts into the LDS faith. […]

Here, have a BLAST!

This goof wants to build an ICBM with a nuke in it and aim it at us.  https://goo.gl/iuIftg The problem is that he needs a miniaturized nuke. So with the help of the CIA I could sell him a tiny “nuke.” It would have four dials on its face. A GO button, then three destinations: […]

I’m Leaving the Country

The leader of our land claims he’s making our country great again.  He loves his family. They love him.  So what if he has a real hot wife who was not born an American? Disgruntled voters  have criticized him because he has said a few hurtful things to world leaders who do not agree with […]

The Hummingbird

I had a college roommate who possessed good looks and charisma. He exuded passion. In college he felt that taxes were unconstitutional because he believed the government had been taken over by a ruthless organization which was in turn controlled by a group of powerful industrialists. These industrialists used kings and….

Baby Talk

Most parents have no business raising children. They labor under total illusion as to their offsprings’ intellect.Take my friends, the Thors, who invited me to meet their new baby, Liam.I had no wish to meet any baby. (One does not have to be a rocket scientist to realize that few children under eight years are not human when it…

Hooked on a Feeling

Boxers have left hooks and right crosses. Or is it left crosses and right hooks? Anyway, for me, there will only be one kind of hook, and that’s Charlie Taggart’s right hook. Charlie had an iron hook, the result of a boyhood flirtation with dynamite that almost blew him off the map.I will always be indebted to Charlie …

Word From Outer Space

Being a CB radio operator, when I heard static coming from the Hale-Bopp Comet, I homed in on it.I was astonished to make contact with someone lurking behind the comet. Following is a transcript of our conversation:”This is Do,” said a frail voice through the ether.”Are you the leader of that cult that killed…

The Dinosaur

He died Sunday, October 10, in Edmonton. His family had sold his house and he had moved into the Waterford, an assisted living complex. He stayed there barely a week and then had to return to the Grey Nuns Hospital and intensive care.His short-term memory was burned out, but I could get him back on track by talking…

Candle in a Hurricane

Stina Thor’s family and friends said goodbye to her, September 14, 2002 in Malibu. She was born in 1958. When I met her in 1968 I would have bet she was going to live forever. Stina had everything. Brains, beauty, humor, an infectious enthusiasm for life and she really cared about people. Her father, Larry Thor, was my professor at UCLA.

PO List

We have some dear friends in Australia and they are going to have a grandchild in a few months. The mother-to-be often wonders what her baby might be thinking about or saying. I was able to contact the child and here are the things the child wants in a few months. Hi Mom, Just a quick note to let you know how things are going.

Simple Brain Surgery

Recently, a dear friend, Gary Dartnall (the executive producer of a film I wrote), became effusive with his praise when I handed in some rewrites. Gary also took to bursting into upbeat songs and I noticed he was tipping waiters more than five per cent. It was obvious to both the director and me that Gary was slipping…

Mob Rule Some Wild Stats

I make the astonishing observation that cell phones (mobile phones) caused the murder rate to drop annually from 2,200 to 500 in New York. Of course, I know nothing about statistics but neither do statisticians. Still, if you look at when the NY murder rate started to plummet (around 1995), you will see that’s when cell phone saturation hit almost…

Mob Rule

You know, talking to friends and colleagues about rumors and happenings. Meaningless babble. Apparently we are hard-wired to stand around the water cooler and chew the fat since in the good old days knowing what was going on, saved having our own fat from being chewed up. “Say did you hear Uncle Henry was eaten at ….

Ultimate Diplomacy

Some become diplomats through birth. Others through dedicated education and focused study. A few geniuses, such as myself, achieve statesmanship (the ultimate diplomacy) through pure genius. I won’t give details and examples, Gentle Reader, for that would insult your intelligence. I am sure you are aware Prince Phillip…

3 Passports

Yep. I have three passports. US. Canada and GB. No, I’m not a spy except in my dreams in which I pilot my personal flying saucer. I love England, Canada and the USA. And wisely picked the correct grandparents so that I ended up a citizen of all three countries. Having three passports has caused me some….

On Tap

Tools. The things that separate men from
beasts.
Using ominous and shiny tools, dentists can hammer fresh incisors into your head after some miscreant uses a tire iron (auto tool) to smash in your porcelain caps (bite tools) because your wallet (money tool) contained only ….

Dublin

Suggestions on how to see and enjoy Dublin, Ireland.

We like to stay in one place and get to know the locals.

Kate’s Prime Rule: Unpack and re-pack once per country.

Go to www.airbnb.com and look …

Pay Off

I had not been in a Chase bank for several years and was surprised to be welcomed by a young lady.

I showed her our latest mortgage bill.

She pointed to a teller. “Make your monthly payment there, Jaron.”

“Okay. I’m going to pay it all off.

Every 100 Years

It would be a singular honor for the town to have me address the expected throngs—present and past lovers of Coronation. 3,000+ guests are expected. The town will be aswarm with visitors. Many are aware that I have written short stories about Coronation.

Additionally, countless old friends are…

Every 100 Years (Part 2)

Background: Coronation, Canada (pop. 999), celebrates its centennial and I’m invited to speak. I confide to anyone who will listen, including the postman and gardener, that I’m the keynote speaker and guest of honor.My wife, Kate, has her doubts, plus it’s going to cost us a bucket of bucks to get back to my hometown … more expensive by…

Leaving…

Jacko Chessman, California career criminal, at the Flyaway bus ticket window, mulled over his last two decades in the Golden State. “I adore Southern California,” said Mr. Chessman, who served twelve of the last twenty years behind bars. “Truth is, our worst lock-ups beat most world-class resorts. You got the best climate on…

Kona Notes

My wife, Kate, and I often spend time in Kona. Here are a few notes on the place.

notes-1
Sun 30/01/11 – my journal

… Kate and I are in Kona looking after chickens, dogs, cats and fending off wild pigs at the 1200 foot level of the island.

Vegas Report

Kate and I flew to Las Vegas for one day and two nights—my only gal cousin, Pris, is living there with her husband. It was her birthday. We saw the water show for free at the Bellagio. Best thing to watch in Vegas. We spent no money gambling. The Eiffel tower is newer than the one they have in Paris. A security guard told me…

Woogly World

Historians will examine this decade to determine what went woogly. Someone will have to take responsibility for the disappeared dollars (about twenty trillion) and, the beginning of the ice age. And, oh yes, the raging cannibalism when the starving masses realized lawyers could constitute fine sources of protein.

R.I.P. Bin Laden

When the Twin Towers disappeared in flames many thought a bunch of stupid and cowardly terrorists did it.
Me?
I felt that it was one of the cleverest sneak attacks that the world had ever seen and that the people behind it—although the personification of evil—were smart. And brave.

Penguin Love Nest

Hi There!
I am looking for a room to rent mainly on Thursday afternoon to evening. Could be other days rarely. My girlfriend and I would be meeting there. I would prefer following but not MUST:
1) Should be able to get a key to access this room so that I don’t have to bother someone to open it for me.

2011

My wife and I do not have any children and we are sad about this. But we are even more sad about the number of children our friends are producing. It was not easy, but after we received the above Christmas card I wrote the following to the man who was responsible for these 28 children. Has he no shame?

Aliens

We’ve been looking for them for most of my life and with little success. Make that no success. Until recently we sent out signals to reach out and touch someone or something. This seems to me to be a little dangerous. Kind of the like Bambi mailing mapquest directions of his home to the Big Bad Wolf. It’s lucky the Klingons didn’t get

Officer Bubbles

Hi,

I am a Canadian Citizen and have paid my full and fairly honest taxes for many years. Partial confession. I am not perfect. When I was ten I stole Lifesavers (peppermint) from our local grocer in Didsbury, Alberta, and although I was under a cloud of suspicion for over a year, I was never apprehended…

Dr. Paul

I might live to be a hundred he says. “But then again, there’s a chance I won’t. ”He taps a cigarette from a pack and touches a match to the tobacco and inhales deeply.
Now in his 81st year, Doug Paul, MD, contemplates death, something—he, as a medical doctor—has battled against all of his life. Until recently that battle has been fought on behalf of others.

Down Under 75 Above

New Zealand is the most beautiful and safest place in the world. Add to this a winter average temperature of 75 degrees and you have paradise. My wife and I just returned from Auckland, New Zealand. We were there for the shortest day of its year – June 21. In the Southern Hemisphere everything is backwards. Their winter is our summer and so on.

Free

Dear Mary,

Thank you for your lovely thoughts.

I assure you that the talent and charm you attribute to me simply proves that you possess great imagination and compassion.

So just go ahead and start writing

Pearl

I usually concentrate on writing humorous pieces.
Recently, though, I haven’t felt like writing funny stuff, since I’ve been thinking a lot about the death of my mother, Pearl. I miss her. She was wise and funny and compassionate.
Born in 1903, she weathered all the depressions—

Gotcha

There’s a novel way to deal with people like me who may soon be faced with dementia and/or Alzheimer’s. According to the Telegraph in Great Britain, the Benrath Senior Centre in Düsseldorf, Germany had problems with patients wandering off. Residents, because of short term memory loss, inevitably forgot why they had left the facilities.

Sera

To save you reading the same things over and over — I will highlight Sera’s email. I will not highlight my stuff because it’s all brilliant and original.

Jaron

Let me know if the room/apt you advertise on craigslist.com is still available and let me know if you can

Chase Your $$$$

Chase Customer Service Rep (Chase): Good morning. We are recording this to maintain customer satisfaction.

Jaron: Great. I was going through my online banking and I see that I paid you $450 two weeks ago. Last night you rejected my online deposit.

Chase: Correct. That is why you still owe

Access Beats Ownership

I recently told you there was a way to get some of the cheese, the cheese being the money and/or real property in a world that offers diminishing jobs and spiraling inflation. I think by now you realize that my philosophy is to work for yourself. There are many reasons for this but one of the best ones is that when you work for yourself you have

Ponzi

Let us begin with a small Ponzi scheme. Bernie Madoff put one together – we all know he bilked sophisticated investors out of fifty billion dollars. He is going to jail for forever and day. Everyone knows how a Ponzi scheme works. Essentially you persuade people to let you invest their money and then you put it in your pocket. You pay the people who invested

Scholars

If you are looking for the smartest scholars in the world come to my home, within walking distance of The University of Alberta. I rent rooms to four grad students who attend the great campus. I would put my four fellows up against any group of scholars who have ever lived. Aristotle, Einstein, Hawking. It would not matter. My lads – in their sleep

Dr. Juliet 2

Back Story — I advertise a home for rent in Edmonton.

An internet scammer, Juliet, has tried to hook me into sending her money —

These scammers send out 1,000s of emails to people on Craigslist who often just want to help students and earn enough money to survive.

B & B

My wife, Kate, and I toyed with buying a bed and breakfast lodge in Ontario.

Our realtor recommended a property owned by a Mrs. X in one of the most lovely spots of the world, Niagara-on-the-Lake.

During the Shaw Festival accommodations are at a premium and

Shab

I am not sure where he came from or how he learned to do what he did but he was one of the most bizarre characters who ever settled in our village.

He was an electrician …

… who resembled a Sumo wrestler with a French name, and how he learned about electricity I don’t know.

The Sod Hut

They say nothing ever happened in Coronation but I heard stories about the Gent from Geneva, who in the late 1940s, arrived in Alberta. This guy, I think his name was Franz, had seen a travelogue of Western Canada. Its majestic Rocky Mountains gave Franz the idea that moving to Alberta was like living in Switzerland in the shadow of the

Bart

They say nothing happened in Coronation but they must have been out of town one Saturday night in 1960. The evening started out dull, not much to do but watch a movie at The Avalon, the town’s only theater, or maybe wander over to the Chinese cafe and have a cold Coke and a warm piece of pie. Sometimes there was a dance or a

Who Am I Now?

People I trusted lost my identity and it’s in the hands of person’s unknown or a spy.

It all began about five months ago when I applied for a Canadian passport.

After only three attempts and four months, Canada issued me a passport but—well, you can see what happened

End Game

Background. After months of mind games (using electron microscopes to find fly specs on my head shot so it could reject my application and destroy our travel plans), Passport Canada reluctantly awarded me a new passport but sent my driver’s license and birth certificate to a stranger, Mr. X. They also sent me Mr. X’s old passport

Room 4 Rent

We have a house in Edmonton that we

rent to students. Occasionally scammers send us phony cashier’s checks.

They insist on paying more than we ask for the place. AKA: advance rent fraud.

They instruct us to send the difference

180 words benefits of global warming

Note to self: When buying co-ops in New York go for something above the fifth floor. Perhaps global warming will cause the oceans to rise and New York will be underwater and you will drown on lower floors. Logical? Nope. Within a New York second of the Atlantic’s rise Washington will hire a bunch of Dutch engineers to build dikes along the

3 AM

Every night for the last 40 years or so I get up around 3 AM and go to the bathroom. I always think of things to write about.

Lately I have been writing them down.

What would happen if you got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and you stubbed your toe just as…

ZZZ-Answer

Do I really think we should all hibernate for most of the winter?

No, I guess not.

But what would happen if we stayed in bed a bit longer? It worked for Hugh Hefner and of course Winston Churchill spent much of his time in bed, working away.

Halifax Hustle

The chaos was worsening. The loons on St. Margaret’s Bay sang silly songs in the Nova Scotia fog. A phone rang and McDuff, 71 and overweight, sat bolt upright. He felt insignificant on his huge Simmons Beautyrest memory foam bed in the corner of his massive second floor suite. Nestled beside McDuff his third wife Danielle, 35,

If We Talk

Not that far in the future, a few years after the kids learned to use surface-plus computers … the Armed Forces of Earth offered a course called War Animation for Peace (WAP). The course was a hit with the younger cyber crowd. It took six years of intense dedication and you learned how to annihilate computer-generated space invaders.

Stormy Youth

Ever suffer from Astraphobia—fear of lightning and thunder?

I don’t.

Although there are lots of things I am terrified of—such as being attacked by giant spiders who inject my body with some kind of stun juice so they or their offspring can eat me later.

Go Green

Fred Fünkendiddle was into green.

“The most important thing we can do for the planet is conserve Mother Nature’s resources,” Fred Fünkendiddle said to his wife.

“But Darling, I recycle everything. I am a strict vegetarian and I read only in sunlight to conserve power.”

Bill Meilen

Bill Meilen told me that the difference between a wedding and a funeral in Wales is one less drunk. At the time he was gravely ill but even so his humor did not fail him. Days later on September 4, 2006, Bill, 73, died. My wife, Kate, and I attended his funeral in downtown Vancouver, BC, where he and his wife, Patricia, had made their home for the

FORD — R.I.P.

President Ford had a lot to say about certain politicians—in nearly all cases his remarks were made to reporters with the stipulation that they not be revealed until after Mr. Ford’s death.

Ford said Carter was a “disaster” and our best president was Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Roof Rat

Notes from the homeowner –

I heard scratching noises above the ceiling tiles.

The roof rat was back. There was a hole in the wall by the top of the bookcase that looked like the access that the rat used. I placed glue-pads on the bookcase

The List

People often ask me how to sell scripts in Hollywood. The following websites may help. Two other things count: passion and a smile.

Hollywood Power Players and maybe a job….

You might sell a script here

Travel Controls

Max Wayward was the first person publicly executed in California as a result of the Travel Controls & Restrictions Act of 2007.
The governor of California presided over a television special, showing authorities strapping a sedated Wayward to a green gurney as a medical doctor pumped blue liquid into his main artery.

The Big Picture

The third planet had turned into a tiny sun and the aliens were sad to see the end of the human race.

What had gone wrong?

Toward the end of their reign on earth, the humans argued incessantly over a couple of fun subjects. One was evolution, the other was Intelligent

To Live Forever

The old man was fabulously rich, having acquired his wealth making puzzles and riddles.

In the few weeks (or was it hours?) that the old man had left, he summoned the brightest inventors in the world to his deathbed and said he had one last riddle, or was it a request?

War of the Worlds

I usually have the greatest admiration for Steven Spielberg, a film genius.

War of the Worlds. Its best feature is the voice over by Morgan Freeman. The guy could convince me that my wife is perfect. He has that kind of power. He’s so good that he could probably convince my wife that I’m perfect.

Crocodile Hunter

I spent a fun weekend with Steve Irwin, the Australian Crocodile Hunter.

Recently, he was criticized for “introducing” his newborn to a man-eating croc.

Steve and Terry (his beautiful wife) have repeatedly risked their lives (along with their kids) to provide TV viewers

The Friendly Skies

Once upon a time there was a clever CEO (let’s call him Glenn) who ran one of the most successful airlines in the world (let’s call it United Airlines).

Now into our story comes Patricia. She’s 46 with two teenagers and, sad to say, she’s been a widow for a few years. Patricia is a United Airlines flight attendant with an MA in languages and,

Misunderstanding

Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted to a possible faux pas in his dealings with women prior to winning the governorship in The Golden State of California.

“My sin, if you could call it that, is in the past, I categorized women. I am very sorry for that. No group of people should be grouped together without…

Model Spokesperson

Supermodel Niki Bassett divides her hectic life between New York runways and faraway Ethiopia.

Ms. Bassett, who earns $100,000 a day posing for clients such as Victoria’s Secret, returned via private jet from Ethiopia where she had addressed indigenous groups in an effort to raise the consciousness of women…

Open the Poles

In a surprise strategy that stunned the nation, President Bush announced his new running mate for 2004 is Saddam Hussein.

“I promised to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Who knows more about their locations than Saddam Hussein? When he’s on our team he’ll take us to those hidden bunkers…

Baghdad’s B&B

As my loyal readers know I am in Baghdad covering the second of the three Gulf Wars.

The bombs are raining down and blowing appendages about but, to be honest, I am more concerned about the shabby manner that I am being treated in the Mohammed Motel in downtown Baghdad.

What’s in a Name?

George Mohammed, a world-famous linguist, is a Persian-American who has spent most of his life working with the United Nations.

Now 64, Dr. Mohammed faces the greatest challenges of his career. He is in charge of renaming various parts of Iraq to mirror the recent regime change.

The Future of Us

The beginning of the end of the world might have been in Vietnam when a general explained he had to destroy the village of Ben Suc in order to save it.

A few decades later, actually only a heartbeat in terms of the so called indomitable human spirit, the most powerful nation in the world fell upon a nasty dictator who possessed..

Shoebox Filling

When it comes to organizing our lives, we use the modified shoebox method around our household.

We scribble Bills on the end of a shoebox—we stuff all our financial stuff into it. We have shoeboxes for everything but our shoes. Footwear we put in apple boxes. I don’t know why.

Christmas in Barbados

Our crew on the Olympia Voyager had warned and re-warned us of the perils of exploring the 166-square mile island-country on our own, emphasizing and reemphasizing that the only safe way to explore the home of the world’s oldest rum (Mount Gay—300 years and still going strong) was under the guidance of a certified Oylmpia Voyager excursion

Flipping Houses

After I was fired as assistant foreman of the poultry farm, I decided to go into the real estate industry.

(Over the last twelve years I have purchased most of the real estate courses available on late night cable shows.)

The basis of these courses is to show

Colorful Characters

I recently spent several days in the world’s friendliest city, New York.

The town is coming back like a lion and the colorful residents turned out to be some of the most helpful I have ever had the pleasure to spend time with. If the terrorists thought they have brought the city to its knees those terrorists were sadly mistaken.

Auto be a Law

As readers of this column may recall my wife recently committed an error that resulted in the theft of our Acura Legend.

The person who stole our favorite car was charged with operating a vehicle without the permission of the owner. In California this is a misdemeanor equivalent to spitting in public.

Auto Be More Assertive

I have always thought that love was more important than possessions so I was understanding when the action (or should I say, non-action) of Kate, my wife, resulted in a car “accident.”

The car was an Acura Legend that I took very good care of. Each Saturday morning I lugged a bucket of soapy hot water to the garage so that Kate…

Somebody

My wife, Kate, never gets angry with me.

And I never get angry or even impatient with her.

You see, whenever we speak, we always refer to somebody else.

Let me give you an example.

When I came home the other day,

Ax and Ye Shall Receive

Pablo Moreira, 28, a Uruguay banker, says he will sue United Airlines and Tony Robbins for interfering with his travel plans.

“It started out innocently enough,” said the banker. “After we took off from the States I told some of the flight attendants that I could secure preferred charge cards for people who are..

Cake Walk

Kenny Lay and I were having a drink the other day and he chatted about his resignation as CEO from Enron, America’s energy giant.
“Are you bitter?” I asked.
“Why, no. I’ve squirreled away a few bucks for a rainy day.”
“Kenny,” I asked, “how much did you squirrel?”

Initially Yours

As I read the Christmas holiday memoirs of famous dead writers I realize that their accounts of their holidays are often superior to those of my own.

One of the major differences is that classical writers seldom identified friends by entire name. They simply used initials, I suppose for fear of

Snip, Snipe, Snip

When I am in the midst of composing one of my hilarious weekly columns, my wife often interrupts me with the pretense of cutting my hair. The result is the loss of a brilliant column, albeit the appearance of my ears.

Today, as I was thirty-seven per cent into an exquisitely funny column, Kate said, “Time for a trim.”

Taliban Barbie

A group of Taliban religious leaders plans to market “Taliban Barbie”™ early in the New Year, according to investigative journalist Geraldo Rivera.

General Mohammed Sphincter explained to Mr. Rivera outside of Kabul that “Taliban Barbie”™ will help to reeducate members of the al-Qaida network along with its supporters.

Road Tolls

Dear Sirs,

There is no question that my wife, Kate, and I were driving on your toll road at the time and place indicated on our recent “Notice of Toll Evasion.” I fully and freely admit this. My wife continues to harbor doubts.

May I explain?

How to Feel Great

There are many ways to write a column and if you are busy, busy, busy often all you do is read the first and last paragraph. If you are one of those people, here’s the first and last paragraph.

First paragraph—When my wife, Kate, and I walked onto the grounds at the Optimum Health Institute …

Sex on the Sand

Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. bin Laden had been dwelling in the Afghanistan desert for what seemed like forever.

Bin Laden’s youngest wife had said at breakfast over shriveled figs, “it’s like we have been living like sand crabs on this like desert for like eons.” “I don’t appreciate it when you use the word ‘like,'” said her husband.

Desert Love

Afghanistan is a bitter and hostile country where countless people perish under a relentless desert sun. A land of terrorists and drug dealers, a land of radical religions.

But it also a land of spectacular panoramas and delightful people.

One such delightful person is Osama

The Soul of Mankind

As readers of this column know, my wife and I live in a small condo. Until recently there were no children here. I like children; I’ve always said they’re the soul of mankind.

A few days ago, Ruth Smith moved into the complex with her eight-year-old twins—a girl named Sally and a boy, Damian.

Hang Ups!

A twenty-seven-year old widow is helping to make it a misdemeanor to drive while talking on a cell phone throughout many North America communities.

Donna Babing, working with the Sierra Club, has also been behind legislation barring cell phone calls on federally owned wetlands.

Deep Dolphin

An expert on deviant animal behavior was arrested Sunday on first-degree murder charges in this seaside community of rock stars, movie celebrities and corporate executives.

Dr. Patrick Finley, 68, who taught and lectured throughout the world and was a frequent contributor to National Geographic, is being held without bail in

Mr. Mills

They say nothing ever happened in Coronation but few people ever sat in on Mr. Mills’ fifth grade class, my home room teacher.

Mr. Mills, would look out the second-story window of our red brick schoolhouse as a car sped by and ask, “I wonder what that driver is going to do with his extra two minutes?”

Oh, Baby!

I met Mr. and Mrs. Brady in their home in Las Vegas. Their four-bedroom residence had been turned into a media circus.

As readers will recall, the Bradys made headline news when Mrs. Brady gave birth to 18 babies last month.

During our interview, haggard church

Egging Me On

Life may imitate art, but around our home, marriage imitates international relations.

Last Sunday I was preparing omelets for my wife Kate and her parents.

My mother-in-law Betty (who understands fully that when I am creating a culinary masterpiece

Getting Yours

I met with a strange duck to find out some of his secrets for survival.

He lives in Los Angeles and his name is Mr. Noraj. Mr. Noraj is a middle-aged man with a warm smile who likes kids and has thinning hair. Few people realize what kind of diabolical things he perpetrates on a daily basis.

Hang Ups

Claude Cramp teaches an intensive course in urban driving skills to rich bitches.

Jaron: As a former employee of the Department of Motor Vehicles, do you enjoy your job?

Mr. Cramp: I love it. I specialize in helping the rich hone their driving skills.

Jack’s Back

Jack, the Mad Russian, is dead. Shot between the eyes. Suicide say the police. (See my last column.)

His brand new Lexus X5 SUV towers over a Porsche Carrera-4. Their combined value could hit two hundred thousand.

After the police smashed down the Mad

Bye Jack

Happy holidays.

About a week ago I returned to our small condo complex and noticed that our neighbor’s door down the hallway was open.

I went to the door and knocked and a stranger wandered out of a back bedroom.

Brain Freeze

In recent years we have come to think of our brain as a computer.

In the good old days of Aristotle we knew what the brain was. A refrigerator.

No, I’m not kidding. Aristotle had it figured out that the brain was used to cool the blood.

The Inside Poop of the Rich and Famous

Mr. Richard (Rich) Twit, the world’s wealthiest man arose after a long and sleepless night. Several of his zillion dollar mergers were not going well. Mrs. Twit had a frightful headache and there had been no sex for Mr. Twit for some weeks now. The government was threatening yet another suit to bust up Mr. Twit’s many, many conglomerates.

Cloned Co-eds

Even in the fields of eugenics and DNA, few have heard of Dr. Stein. A year ago Wired Magazine printed a passing reference to him, dubbing the scientist, “The Poor Man’s God.”

Intrigued, I tracked down Dr. Stein. Dr. Stein, 67, wears eyeglasses that are duct taped together and dresses in what appears to be thrift-shop clothing.

Top Dog

The world’s most powerful man is the President of the United States.

When you think of the President what is the first image that comes to your mind?

Air Force One? Old Glory? The President chatting with the nation from the Rose Garden?

Kissing Cousin

Some people are blessed with many relatives. I am not. As a matter of fact, I only have four cousins, one of whom is a girl: Priscilla. She is the issue of my mother’s twin brother. When we were kids, Priscilla had a pet rabbit that ran away and I was blamed for releasing it. Because we are the children of twins, Priscilla and I probably share more DNA

Cell Sell Sex

The cell phone, the world’s most ubiquitous communications tool, may be for taking, but what about making a sexual statement?

Success in the business world is this millennium’s aphrodisiac.

A male who announces within seconds of meeting the female that his net worth

Concorde Background

Several readers have asked about the time I almost crashed the Concorde.

Well, like most things I write—the better ones (I think) are based on my unusual but actual experiences.

A few decades ago I was writing a screenplay for Andrew McLaglen. He is a world class director and the son..

Stupider Than a Speeding Bullet

I thought about going for a spin on the Concorde when the famous plane was here for our air show last month but I was short of cash and besides I’ve already had the pleasure of flitting across the Atlantic on the craft.

As a matter-of-fact it was aboard the Concorde that I was treated like an idiot and the captain pointed at me after we

Paradise Lost

Compromise is the key to marriages and volcanoes.

For example, my wife, Kate, who is a flight attendant, had three Maui trips back-to-back. She suggested I go with her.

“Can we afford it?” I asked. “After all, we’re trying to live on your salary while…

High Fliers

Timing. It’s everything.

Take the case of the recent Concorde disaster. Many years ago my wife and I flew on it. Lots of fun.

Had we taken the Concorde flight a few days ago, we would be dead. But we missed the ill-fated ride by at least a decade.

Hong Kong

Six years ago my wife and I visited an astonishing city: Hong Kong. Mirrored skyscrapers shimmered like silk. Wealth was everywhere. Except in broken shadows where harnessed coolies pulled rickshaws.

My wife, Kate, says that Hong Kong swelters like a desert city without a beach.

Womb Mates

I participated in two rituals recently.

One was a sweat lodge ceremony on the plains of Alberta near Edmonton.

The sweat lodge looks like an igloo made of hides or canvas. In it native North Americans conduct a series of rituals they have repeated for countless generations.

Eskimo Parrot

In humor writing you have to be careful who you make fun of.

I wrote a hilarious story about selling a house to a Mexican. I made fun of myself and my family. The story, as an added bonus and an example of my talent, was also poignant.

I titled the story: ….

I, Hernia

Hello, I am Jaron’s Hernia and this is my story.

Hernia is Latin and made up of: “Her” and “Nia.” “Her” is Jaron’s wife, Kate, and she brought me into existence by complaining that their condo was leaking.

This caused Jaron, clutching a hundred

Cyber Cash

Cyberspace is filled with information.

The great thing about owning information is you can sell it. Unlike a car, after you sell information you still have the information—plus you have more information about the people who bought it from you, so you have more information to sell and so on. I think Bill Gates picked the right area to get into.

Published Author

And because most of us have a secret desire to be well-known and witty authors, there exists a vast network of sources ready to help us.

You’ve seen the ads: a “reputable” New York or Toronto publisher is hunting for a few good writers.

So you send in your manuscript—

Dog Dilemma

Life is filled with dilemmas.

The dog is four years old and is named Nike and belonged to my mother who died last year. My mother was 95 and as her only offspring I am the sole beneficiary and executor of her tiny estate. I’m in charge now.

My wife and I inherited Mother’s house,

Dog Dilemma Two

As readers will recall, after my mother died last year, I turned her home into a kennel for her beloved pup, Nike. He enjoyed my efforts but I worried he would get away and perish in cold weather or traffic. And Nike was lonesome.

I could not take the adorable pup to Los Angeles with me because we cannot

No Juice, No Use

Since I’ve had some luck writing screenplays, seldom a week goes by that a business person doesn’t offer me “a great motion picture idea.”

These executives, many of whom have seen movies, all of whom wear mostly black clothing, attempt to induce me into writing their screenplay with offers of vast riches.

Do Not Read

From time to time loyal readers ask me questions.

A WARNING. There is a question coming up that you may find offensive. I certainly don’t want to upset you by talking about what you may feel is a deplorable habit. So if you have never masturbated or you feel it is immoral, DO NOT READ any further.

When I Die

My darling wife, Kate:

Well, I’m gone now and you ended up with the houses, the cars, the bank accounts, my gold Rolex, all my new suits, my seven computers and everything I ever wrote.

It goes without saying that you’ll miss me tremendously and although you may

It’s a Very Good Thing

My friend, Martha Stewart, invited me go shopping with her. As readers will recall it was Martha who taught me how to make her world famous pasta sauce.

As we drove to the market, I asked Martha why it was that my sauce never seemed to taste as good as hers.”Your basic ingredients are stale,” explained the world’s greatest chef.

Chinese Chalk Talk

My wife, Kate, is always buying things for our home that make no sense.

We had ants; she bought some chalk to get rid of them. The chalk was made in China. I told her it was silly to think that chalk could rid us of ants.

“Silly? Moi?” Kate asked, sweetly. Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly…

Be a Millionaire

Many decent and fine folks who work from nine to five, seven days a week, will NEVER retire.
They spend all their paychecks on food, clothing and housing. By the 22nd of each month, they run out of money and are forced to assume MASSIVE credit card DEBT to survive until their next meager paycheck.

Whooping Moose

Ten years ago, Dr. Erve, one of the world’s leading environmentalists, led a worldwide drive to save Canada’s whooping moose from extinction.

The miniature moose, about the size of a rabbit, makes a sound similar to the whooping crane. There were forty-three of the small quadrupeds left on the planet.

The Final Day

I’m a security guard. If I ever pass the police aptitude test, I’m going to be a full-fledged peace officer and then I can carry a gun.

Just around midnight I was patrolling the South end of the city’s main nuclear generation facility when I observed this dude, dressed up like a friggin’ ninja, all in black, scaling the 15-foot cyclone

Bug Killer

“Chip” Cursor was the first victim of the Millennium Bug in this century. On 01/01/00, I talked to Mr. Cursor in his hospital room where he was hooked up to life support.

Mr. Cursor: Come back tomorrow. I’m expecting a call from my wife.

Jaron: Your wife claims you went

The Last Lawsuit

The year is AD 2027 and all but one of the millions of lawsuits precipitated by the Y2K bug have been settled.

The plaintiff is Mr. Jaron Summers, a handsome elderly man with a warm, grandfatherly smile. He walks with graceful dignity using a silver cane, one of the innumerable gifts he’s received from royalty around the world.

Don’t Box Me In

My wife, whom I love dearly, has a box fetish.This is a tragic and deep-seated neurosis that is apparently part of her family’s DNA. It causes the females in her family to collect and hoard boxes, mostly cardboard.

Over the past decade, Kate has crammed more and more boxes into our small condo and until last week there were so many in our bedroom that we could only make love in a south-by-southwestern configuration and only one participant had enough space to scream.

A Rose by Any Other Name

When I was about 12 or 13, my mother told me that I was going to have problems when I reached puberty.

“Why?” I asked.

“The males on both side of our family take a long, long time to mature. Your father was almost 23 before he started to shave and my brother was a very late

Understanding the Female

My wife, Kate, has this hormone imbalance thing. A lot of woman do. It caused us a few problems so we decided to see a marriage counselor.

The marriage counselor, Dr. Seesaw, said that woman were from Venus and guys were from Mars. I asked Dr. Seesaw where she got her counseling degree? NASA, maybe?

Good & Grim News

“I’m afraid, Mr. Evenkeel, I have both good and grim news for you,” Doctor Smith said softly to his patient.

Evenkeel, who had been an eternal (albeit annoying) optimist most of his life, swallowed, then blinked in disbelief.

The kindly doctor interlaced his fingers, rechecked his medical charts and made…

Brookheaven

I’ve been using my large brain to hunt for a word to describe what happens when you have planned a great improvement for mankind and then, out of the blue, that improvement results in mayhem.

“Blindsided” comes close, but it won’t do. Blindsided, while colourful, does not indicate that your misfortune happens due to your own tinkering.

Friends

Charlie and Lucky were sitting in front of the hotel. It was a warm day, but soon it would be winter and neither one was looking forward to a chilly November or December.

Charlie and Lucky were old friends and after they talked about the weather, Charlie (who was the younger by a few years) said that he had read that pets

Studio Head

The world’s most successful studio executive, Scot Squeegee, drove his new stretch Rolls Royce from his 60-room mansion in Bel Air to Streak Studios to view the rushes of: The Scot Squeegee Saga.

According to reports in Daily Variety, The Scot Squeegee Saga was expected to play to sold-out crowds in theaters

Killer Bees

They say nothing every happened in Coronation but that’s because I kept some secrets.

The Bee Story comes to mind.

Mr. Adcock, a bee farmer, lived a block from our home in Coronation, (pop 990), in the center of the Alberta plains.

Sixty Minutes – and Counting

Don Hewitt: We had a sensational show last week on 60 Minutes. How are we going to top it next Sunday?

Mike Wallace: With a thought-provoking study of how dentists rip off old people when they do implants, starring yours truly.

Lesley Stahl: Nice, very nice, Mike. I have an exposé on the way supermarkets cheat shoppers when they run pickles through scanners.

The Art of Negotiation

One of the many reasons I am so successful with my life is that I have studied how the masters of negotiations achieve spectacular results.

There are three rules you must master if you are to come out ahead in a negotiation.

Rule number one realize that the person

Open Wide

Since I had a brain tumor, I went to Dr. Ivey. He was a little crazy as most older dentists are.

The reason for this is that people hate their dentists and after a lifetime of being hated, dentists turn a little crazy. Younger dentists are not crazy but they don’t know anything so it’s best to go to an older crazy dentist.

Kona Cat Diary

We are in Kona for a few more days thanks to the cat. God bless that little creature.

Our friends have a terrific place but they have wild chickens and of course roosters.

They just woke me up.

From Cash Flow to Ice Floe

The $15 bungalow Mom and Dad bought half a century ago….

My parents purchased our Edmonton bungalow in 1963 for $15.

My wife, Kate (who monitors me far too closely) read my note on our computer screen. “Fifteen dollars? You’ve lost it again,” she said.

Stone Cold Freezer

One day when I was twelve my father bought a deep freezer that was bigger than a coffin. Some of his patients (he was the only dentist for a hundred miles) paid him with sides of beef. He said he would teach me how to cut up the beef into steaks and roasts and we […]