The Mercy Stone
I used the Mercy Stone to change my way of thinking.
— Albert Einstein
It’s helped me get rid of tension.
— George Bush
The Mercy Stone is as close to heaven as I’ve been.
— Brigham Young
I know of no better way to get in touch with my inner self.
The key to comedy. The Mercy Stone.
— W. Shakespeare
(The original Mercy Stone™ ended the lives of countless Loved Ones)
The first written reference to the stone (or facilitator as it was called) was in 1151 AD. A parish priest in Europe used the Mercy Stone™ to end the life of Kathleen Dump, 82, with a single blow to the back of the woman’s skull…
Get Rid of Tension & Stress.
Our Mercy Stone™ replica is a stress ball that is a copy of the ancient and lethal weapon.
It’s a conversation stopper and a part of the history of mercy killing or euthanasia.
Play catch with the Mercy Stone™ replica, use it to fight stress, or as a pillow (tiny).
Toss it in the air, catch it on your forehead and shake up your thinking.
Contemplate who needs whacking.
When assisting the departure of a loved one (or even someone you are pissed off at), you’ll need to decide how many whacks that person requires.
The original Mercy Stone™ was a “one-whacker.” It weighed seven pounds and the idea was to sneak up on the loved one and whack him or her over the head.
Then proceed with burial.
Because this replica of the Mercy Stone™ is about one quarter actual size (and one 200th actual weight), simple physics dictates that you must alter the delivery speed of the whack.
For example, if your loved one weighs 160 pounds and is under six feet, you must drop the Mercy Stone™ on the head of the loved one from a height of 2,060 feet.
This will require a helicopter or mountain climbing party — both of which Mercy Stone™ Tours can arrange. (Mercy Stone™ Inc. sells an excellent graph that will help you calculate the exact height you will require to dispatch various body sizes and weights.)
The original Mercy Stone™ was a one whacker. Smack, and it was over.
The replica requires additional whacks. The above referenced loved one would require between 740 and 900 whacks with the replica. Mercy Stone™ Inc. sells a counter to keep track of the whacks.
Also, you must be careful with multiple whacking since this could annoy the loved one and you would have to deal with a counterattack.
It is suggested that you first drug or tie up the loved one. Preferably both. Mercy Stone™ Inc. provides rope and pharmaceuticals to accomplish this.
Mercy Stone™ Anonymous (MSA) chapters are chartered in 28 cities in America as well as 13 cities around the world.
Usually MSA chapters meet on the first Friday of each month. The purpose is to discuss the intense hatred members have for loved ones and next of kin.
Usually meetings start with someone saying, “Hi, my name is Bill and I am a murderer.” The group responds with, “Hi, Bill.”
Bill explains that he has been plotting to use a Mercy Stone™ on, say, his mother-in-law. So far he has not killed her, just taking things one day at time.
Bill holds up his Mercy Stone™ replica (which is also a tension ball) and squeezes it to relax.
Members who are consumed with ending the life of a loved one will paint or draw that person’s picture on their Mercy Stone™ replica. (Mercy Stone™ Inc. also has a service that prints a photograph of anyone on the rock. See website for details and prices.)
In order to join an MSA chapter, you must have a sponsor who pledges to be on call 24 hours a day.
The sponsors are there for you when you feel out of control and can no longer suppress your urge for ending the life of a loved one.
Members go through a 12-step program.
Members must admit that they are cold blooded murderers and turn their anger over to a higher power.
The most successful way of suppressing the urge to kill is to rapidly squeeze the Mercy Stone™ stress ball while chanting the loved one’s name.
If you use your Mercy Stone™ to kill people, there is a pretty good chance you are going to get blood on it.
The best way to get rid of the blood is good old fashioned water. Just warm water does wonders.
But of course if you commit murder, your DNA is going to be on the stone and that could link you to the scene of the crime.
Since you’ve probably seen CSI and realize how much trouble your DNA can get you into, you’ll realize that you better use some bleach to get rid of your digital fingerprint.
When you use the Mercy Stone™ as a stress ball, you’ll still want to keep it clean.
After all, if you put your dirty hands on it the replica will pick up all your filthy germs, and then if you give to someone else to play with you’ll be passing along your nasty germs.
So keep your balls clean, warm soapy water works best. And if someone plays with your balls, you could get their germs so make certain that you wash your balls often in warm soapy water.
This is a good reason not to put your balls in your mouth.
Church of the Stone
At present there is only a single chapter of the Church of Stone. Reverend Art Noonan, an ordained minister, is the church’s spiritual father and leader.
Rev. Noonan, as a young man, traveled the world in search of enlightenment and guidance. He studied from Ethiopia (where he was almost hanged) to Eaton (where he was first introduced to bisexuality and bestiality).
Today Rev. Noonan is a celibate and has taken a vow of silence at the prison in Australia where he is confined for the rest of his natural life. It is his contention he was framed for three murders using the Mercy Stone replica.
He communicates by email and telepathy.
He has also worked as a psychic advisor and is available for $25 an hour to help true believers deal with any problems of a sexual nature.
Rev. Noonan is in the midst of franchising the Church of Stone in key locations around the world. Franchises can be purchased by those who truly believe for a nominal fee of $10,000.
You can donate used cars, planes and trucks to the Church of Stone and Rev. Noonan will send you a tax receipt for triple the fair market value of your vehicle. He also accepts used trains.
At present there are only eight members of the Church of the Stone. The reason for the small number is that most of the members have murdered each other.
Multiple Use Agreement
Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of a replica of the Mercy Stone™.
The original purpose of the Mercy Stone™ was to end the life of a Loved One.
Your replica you have can be used to accomplish this, and can also be used as a stress ball.
Obviously, we here at Mercy Stone™ Inc. do not make a lot of money by selling you a replica, while at the same time offering a number of satisfaction guarantees.
Therefore we must insist that you buy a Mercy Stone™ for each Loved One you intend to remove from his earth.
We must also insist that once you use your Mercy Stone™ for murder, you dispose of it.
Do not sell it to someone else. As a matter of fact, you are prohibited from giving it to anyone or donating it to any charity.
We must be very clear that each Mercy Stone™ replica is for “a one time use.”
On the other hand, we realize there are exceptions.
If you are a serial killer or terrorist, and you buy a dozen Mercy Stone™ replicas, we will as a matter of good faith allow you a ten percent discount on future Mercy Stone™ replicas that we have for sale.
We also provide government and religious organizations special mass discounts for Mercy Stone™ replicas.
We also have on our website larger Mercy Stone™ replicas.
Big John weighs over twelve tons and can be dropped from a cargo plane.
The cost is $3,000, and with the right height and velocity can be used to destroy small villages that are suspected of harboring enemy agents.
◊◊ Warranty ◊◊
Whereas you have purchased a replica of the Mercy Stone™ for the purposes of relieving tension, killing loved ones, and gaining inspiration,
WE HEREBY GUARANTEE:
That the replica you have purchased is pretty close to, but much smaller than the original Mercy Stone™.
Please be aware of the following: while the original Mercy Stone™ was over a thousand years old your replica is guaranteed to be at least two weeks old.
Maybe a month.
Also, while the original Mercy Stone™ was made of actual marble and may have weighed up to eight pounds, the replica is lightweight foam and is 1.3 ounces and is actually intended to relieve stress by squeezing it.
If you try to knock a person senseless with this replica there is a good chance you will only piss him or her off and he or she will attack and harm you.
Mercy Stone™ Inc. says you are on your own if this happens.
We guarantee that you can squeeze the replica at least 100,000 times. Well, we don’t guarantee that you can do it, we guarantee that the Mercy Stone™ is “good to go” for lots of squeezing.
Mercy Stone™ Inc. will replace the rock with a new one for free if you feel it has worn out.
There is a $7 postage and handling fee. You do not have to return the original replica. We will take your word and your $7 for a new one.
It will be guaranteed for 100,000 squeezes with the same free replacement offer.
We guarantee that using this replica will help you gain inspiration. If it does not we will replace it for free, but you still have to send us $7 for handling and postage.
You will be the sole judge as to your level of inspiration or enlightenment.
We also guarantee that if you manage to kill someone with the Mercy Stone™ replica you will probably go to jail and end up with a lethal injection, unless you live in Utah where you can be shot.
To date we have come up with three hypothetical ways of killing a loved one with the replica.
- Drop the replica on your loved one’s head from a distance of about 2,000 feet.
- Smash the replica repeatedly into the loved one’s face and or body. Because of the weight of the replica you will have to whack the above referenced loved one 100s of times.
- Attempt to choke the Loved One with the replica. This is challenging since the replica is at least three times the size of most Loved One’s mouths.
Squeeze Away Your Stress
So friend, how do you really feel? Run down? Stressed-out? Constipated? Angry? Worried about the future? Sad about the past? Left out of things? Unloved?
These are all natural reactions to a complex and tense world.
And while you alone can’t change the tide of human affairs, you can certainly use the Mercy Stone™ replica to deal with your own stress-filled life.
All you have to do is squeeze the replica. It’s actually a wonderful stress ball in the shape of a hunk of black marble.
Every time you feel upset or angry or befuddled, start to squeeze. And then squeeze, squeeze, squeeze and we promise that you’ll start to feel better.
It’s a scientific fact that exercise provides a world of relief from stress, and with the palm sized Mercy Stone™ replica you have the perfect tiny exercise machine.
As you squeeze, squeeze, squeeze you’ll feel the muscles in your hands and arms and neck feel better.
The tension of the day will evaporate as you take a magic break with what we call “the exerciser in your pocket.” People will smile as they watch your fingers feverishly flexing in your pocket.
They are wise observers who understand the power of tension draining regimes.
When you squeeze, your hand muscles and arm muscles get a magical workout. Hold the squeeze for three seconds.
As your muscles relax, the tension will vanish from your arms and hands.
Carpel tunnel syndrome may be a thing of the past. Or it may not. If it persists see a doctor. Learn why milk maids have so much fun. Some users of stress balls have reported that they are less inclined to bite their nails or suck their thumbs.
We recommend, for general use, starting with a dozen squeezes per hand, then working your way up to twelve minutes with each hand.
Often anger and stress melt away.
It could be a miracle. On the other hand, well, who knows? We are not medical doctors and the only blind studies we have conducted have been with a very nearsighted blonde intern. This triggered repeated visits from the vice squad.
Sure, you may want to kill someone with the Mercy Stone™ replica but as you exercise you may discover anti-social impulses fading, and as they fade so does the chance of a heart attack. If you suffer a heart attack do call 911.
You may use the Mercy Stone™ in almost any situation: arguing, sex, phoning, base jumping and, of course, high-speed pursuits. What better way to exercise your upper body.
Do not use the Mercy Stone™ while talking on a cell and driving. It could cut down on your road rage but you’ll find you might not notice children in crosswalks. (Children are very tricky to remove from modern grills.)
As in the case of all exercises — before undertaking any kind of work-out program you should check with a real physician.
He or she will probably tell you how much help the Mercy Stone™ replica could be to your life. Idea! Why not buy a stress ball or two for your doctors? They’ll thank you for these thoughtful presents.
Stress balls stimulate blood circulation and often reduce arthritic pain and stiffness.
Use the Mercy Stone™ replica to improve dexterity and stay alert in dull meetings.
You can combine the replica with meditation.
Squeeze and chant your secret mantra. (Here is your secret mantra: secret-secret. Repeat it 15,000 times.)
Simple Exercises for the hand:
Mercy Stone™ History
Throughout the ages countless people have grown old and infirm. They entered their second childhood. They became cartoons of themselves.
The Mercy Stone™ brought many of these unfortunates instant relief and respite.
The first written reference to the stone (or facilitator as it was originally called) was in 1151 AD. A parish priest in Europe used the Mercy Stone™ to end the life of Kathleen Dump, 82, with a single blow to the back of the woman’s skull.
Mrs. Dump resided with her daughter, son-in-law and their six children in a one-room thatched house near Liverwart.
The elderly lady was deemed senile by the parish priest after she poured boiling water on his cat. When questioned she insisted his cat was a tulip. Residents of Liverwart thought this was hilarious. Besides, many of them thought the perish priest was a pain in the neck.
A simple stone headstone marks Mrs. Dump’s grave.
The next recorded reference to the Mercy Stone™ was in 1864 (although there were at least two dozen earlier anecdotal incidents involving euthanasia and “the rock”).
Early in the spring of 1864 a slave owner, a malevolent man, Robert Easton, had his way with a black women whom he owned. A child resulted and Easton made jokes about “getting his rocks off.”
The mother used the Mercy Stone™ on the slave owner. She quipped: “Speaking of getting your rocks off, how do you like this one?”
Whack. Whack. Whack!
Additional written records of the Mercy Stone™ were discovered. Many were based on folklore. According to Dr. Phildang, an anthropologist at the University of Chicago, the Mercy Stone™ was employed with increasing frequency.
Coincidentally, Dr. Phildang’s wife (struggling with bipolar problems) was found bludgeoned to death with a blunt instrument. The case is still open, and no suspects have yet been charged.
It was known that the doctor’s wife loved to indulge in practical jokes. Shortly before her death, she filled his classic ’65 Mustang with wet chicken feathers and crazy glue.
In 1943, at the conclusion of World War II, at least five newspapers reported that a “Mercy Stone™” was employed by the wife of a Kamikaze pilot.
Mori Yagazaki, 25, taught suicide pilots how to operate their Kamikaze planes in a western airfield of Japan. After watching brave young Japanese men fly to their deaths to “save the empire,” Mr. Yagazaki applied to join a suicide pilots’ squadron but his superiors forbade him since he was married with three young children.
His wife, realizing how sad her husband was, used the Mercy Stone™ to dispatch their three children, then drowned herself in the ocean so that Mr. Yagazaki could join the ranks of the Kamikaze.
Mrs. Yagazaki loved to tease her husband. On several occasions she dressed the children as United States pilots and the entire family attacked Mr. Yagazaki when he entered their home, thinking that only dinner awaited him.
The next documented occurrence of the Mercy Stone™ use was in Los Angeles in 1989. Charles S. Kinderman, a police officer, drove his nephew, Scott, to a side road on Mulholland Drive.
Scott had recently graduated from the LA Police Training Academy. It was just after dusk on a warm July. Apparently Charles was a crooked cop and had set things up for his nephew to join a small group of officers who were “on the take.”
People recalled that Scott knew a huge repertoire of cop jokes. They also recalled that Charles never laughed at any of these jokes.
Scott was more idealistic than his uncle realized and refused to consider the new job offer. As a result Kinderman killed the nephew with the Mercy Stone™. He told fellow officers that he was protecting them.
Further investigation revealed that Scott, earlier that week, pretended to shoot his uncle in the testicles with a trick gun that discharged a flag that said: “Bang.”
In 1995 the Mercy Stone™ was used by Sasha White to kill a rising grunge singer, Joseph Mash.
Sasha, who had gone from Mash’s groupie to steady girlfriend, was under the influence of heroin when she murdered the singer as he slept off a wasted night of drunken debauchery. There was no financial gain for the murder since Mash was deeply in debt.
It appeared Sasha simply murdered her boyfriend on a whim. Her hobby was writing limericks that Mr. Mash belittled and refused to incorporate into his grunge act. Here is Sasha’s last Limerick:
There was a young singer named Mash
Whose big head was quite full of hash.
When he fell into bed,
99 percent dead,
I completed the task and smashed Mash.
In 2003, a young nanny killed Martha Marks, the mother of two children, with the Mercy Stone™. The nanny was concerned that Mrs. Marks did not spend enough time with her kids.
The nanny told police that she thought Mr. Marks would marry her since she was a better “mother” than the deceased wife.
Three video tapes were discovered in the Marks’ household. In them Mrs. Marks was dressed as a clown and entertained the children by blowing up grotesque balloons that she claimed represented the President of the United States. She was an avid Democrat.
The authorities placed the nanny in an institution for the criminally insane. She escaped and later worked in development for a large Hollywood studio.
The nanny was a Republican.
As bizarre as it appears, the Mercy Stone™ has been used for everything from euthanasia to murder. An instrument of death, no different than any number of guns or swords with a sad history of blood.
What may make the Mercy Stone™ unique is that it has often been used to end lives and bad jokes.
This replica of the Mercy Stone™ is a scaled down version of the original.
The next time someone tells you a bad joke or one you feel is in poor taste, use this Mercy Stone™ to bean that person. It might bring them to their senses before you are driven to do something worse.
You can also use the Mercy Stone™ replica to dispatch anyone: bosses, in-laws, colleagues, children, spouses, government officials, televangelists, practical jokers, landlords, etc.
The Mercy Stone™ replica can be used on animals that bother you. Everything from screeching parrots to nipping dogs.
Remember, often the original Mercy Stone™ was used to end the life of someone with a bad sense of humor.
The replica can also be used to play catch or to get someone’s attention. It’ll change the way you think about problems.
People I may Mercy Stone™:
Problems for the Mercy Stone™:
(Simply lay on your back, toss the stone up in the air and let it fall on your face. This will change the way you view your problems. Try it!)
Answer: Sure — email me for the screenplay.
Answer: We thought you would never ask. The book, the Mercy Stone replica and access to the Mercy Stone website is $ 9.99, plus handling and postage. Click below on Paypal.
(I am having a few very large Mercy Stones made. They will be the size of a large cat. $35.00. Mercy me. )
Buy A Mercy Stone Replica
A fun & unique gift!
A great hit!
Get rid of stress!
Comes with a 24 page book of the Mercy Stone History.
Money back if not satisfied.
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