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Simple Brain Surgery

Recently, a dear friend, Gary Dartnall (the executive producer of a film I wrote), became effusive with his praise when I handed in some rewrites.

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Gary also took to bursting into upbeat songs and I noticed he was tipping waiters more than five percent.

It was obvious to both the director and me that Gary was slipping. As everyone knows executive producers who are kind and/or compassionate, don’t succeed in Hollywood.

I feared Gary was into drugs and they were transforming him into a gentle creature, a saint. Unless we could help Gary revert back to a vicious, double-dealing sociopath ─ my movie was doomed and I would soon be out of work.

With the help of Gary’s wife and family (and a couple of detective agencies) we found out that Gary was ingesting massive amounts of highly addictive narcotics.

Worse, he was getting them legally.

We held an intervention and discovered what would turn out to be good news.

Gary was suffering enough pain to drop a charging bull elephant and his doctors figured he had a brain tumor.

Narcotics ─ the only way to deal with the superhuman pain Gary was suffering ─ were altering his personality, transforming him into a benevolent human being.

We were of course concerned that the brain tumor would kill him…but far worse, without a malicious executive producer to oversee my screenplay, our movie was doomed.

The only solution I could see was to get into Gary’s brain and extract the tumor. The operation, potentially lethal, seemed to me well worth the gamble. The director, Ted Kotcheff, who has made countless world-class feature films, agreed.

After tests, the medical team reported a miracle. Gary did not have a brain tumor. I could get technical here and use complicated terms to explain what was going on in Gary’s skull. But unless you have my background in medicine, my explanation would be meaningless to you.

Basically, Gary had an “ouch nerve” in his head and a rogue artery or something was pressing on it.

I talked to the world’s foremost neurosurgeon about this and he said he could fix up Gary with a medical procedure. Claimed he could cure him and get him off the pain pills.

As you can see…

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…first we needed to get Gary’s clothes off and tie him down on a surgical bed. Note the X on his head. I put it there so the surgeon would know where to go in.

Then…

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…the surgeon used a small chainsaw to cut a plug out of Gary’s head. Much like removing the top of a pumpkin.

Next the plug from Gary’s skull…

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…was put into a safety deposit box because you don’t want to lose that part of Gary, otherwise the medical team could not reassemble him completely. You’ve heard the story of Humpty Dumpty, I’m sure.

Below we see the actual surgery. (Click on it for a close up. But be warned, it’s pretty graphic.)

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Despite my suggestion to remove most of Gary’s brain, the surgeon said he would wrap the rogue artery in Teflon, of all things. Obviously the brain pan and Teflon pan are somehow linked.

Within hours of the surgery, Gary was in recovery. He demanded all sorts of special meals and screamed for his cell phone, laptop and riding crop (to discipline subordinates).

Conclusion? The operation had succeeded beyond our wildest expectations. Gary was out of pain and off the pain killers.

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The Teflon wrap stopped the “ouch nerve” from triggering Gary’s massive headaches and crying jags.

Gary no longer uses pain killers, and even ‘though he seems totally affable on the surface, he’s reverted back to a cunning and wicked executive producer…thus my screenplay is on the fast track to becoming a major motion picture.

Mission Accomplished.

Compared to making a film in Hollywood, brain surgery is a snap.


Nutgraph Which is harder?  Brain surgery or making a feature film in Hollywood?

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