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The Advantage of Pimples

Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones ripped off banks for zillions in the exciting feature film “Entrapment” produced by my buddy, Michael Herzberg — how’s that for dropping names?

Mr. Connery had Ms. Zeta-Jones working under him for much of the movie.

Almost every red-blooded male must fantasize about this.

But not yours truly.

If I wanted to turn to a life of crime, here is what I would do.

1. Find an UGLY female bank teller, then wine and dine her.

2. Make her fall in love with me. (I can be almost as charming as Connery if there is serious money in it.)

3. Get the ugly woman to transfer ten million dollars to “our” account in Switzerland.

I would wait in Zurich and when I got the money I would change our stolen cash into hundred dollar bills and disappear. Poof. I would be gone. Ha-ha-ha. Jokes on the ugly woman.

Why don’t I do this?

There are several reasons. Here they are in no particular order:

1. I would end up a fugitive and that would probably be the end of most of my lifelong friendships.

I have half a dozen really good friends and I would not give up one of them for ten million dollars or, for that matter, a hundred million. (Well, I might be tempted to give up one for a hundred million. Okay, I would give up one. Maybe two. Three at the most. See how easy it is to move into a life of crime?)

2. I might go to jail.

What a depressing way to spend my few remaining years on the planet. Actually, it might be more than a few years as most of the people in our family live to be very old.

3. I could not see my wife any more. She is my best friend most of the time. But even when she is not, she is more fun to cuddle with than the friendliest convict I could imagine.

Although my wife is surprisingly tolerant of my behavior, she would be rather unforgiving if I attempted to seduce any other woman. Speaking of the “other woman” — if you cross a beautiful woman, she will run over you with a car. If you cross an ugly woman, she will run over you numerous times. Ouch, ouch, ouch — many times.

Why, you ask, am I even considering a life of crime at this late age in my life?

Glad you asked.

When I flew back to Los Angeles from Edmonton a week ago, I sat beside a corporal from the RCMP and we had an enlightening chat about computer crime. His name is Peter. I won’t mention his last name because he did not give me permission to and it might blow his cover.

Peter was attending a seminar in Pasadena on forensic crime. He is a really smart Mountie. I think he could catch almost anyone.

When I mentioned my scheme to find an ugly bank teller and trick her into wiring me a bunch of money, Peter smiled and said it’s already been done. Many times.

Peter also confided there were a lot of computer thieves who were ripping banks off for millions of dollars.

The banks, making billions of dollars, are afraid to go after the criminals for fear of negative publicity. If it ever got out how easy cyber crime has become, the banks fear that they would lose zillions of dollars because customers would realize how vulnerable they are.

Peter told me that if you are under 18 and you use cyberspace to steal a couple of million dollars, the banks are even more afraid to publicize what you have done. They don’t want every pimply faced and horny junior high male ripping them off to impress their prom dates.

Most first time cyber thieves under 18 are usually given a suspended sentence.

Happens every week in Canada and the USA.

Ah, to be a kid again. Even with pimples.

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