The Devil May Care
And it came to pass that Mr. and Mrs. God got up.
It was a bright and sparkly day. (One advantage in living a few hundred yards from the sun.)
“You didn’t sleep well, did you?” asked Mrs. God.
“I’m fine,” said God.
“You were having nightmares about the Large Hadron Collider again. You kept saying — those humans won’t be happy until they punch a hole in the fabric of time. Then you used the F-world. I was afraid you were going to say Goddam the human race and Richard Dawson.”
“I think you know I disapprove of speaking in the third person. Shows an utter disconnect with reality,” said God.
“You’re upset because the humans may find the god particle,” said Mrs. God.
“I can assure you — they won’t find it,” said God. “But you’re right, I had a fitful sleep. I should have never made Adam — and I for sure should have held back on Eve.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” said Mrs. God. “Humans have given you a lot of pleasure.”
“About as much pleasure as the cane toad.”
“And once either one of them starts procreating — everything is clutter. I hate clutter. I’ve got enough to keep track of without having my creations spawn clutter. That’s why I invented fires, tsunamis and earthquakes that open up fissures and swallow cities.”
“Take it easy. The cane toads will go extinct when their numbers are high enough — a lot of your creations have gone extinct — the dodo bird, the carrier pigeon, public servants. All things of the past. Just let nature take its course,” said Mrs. God.
“You’re right about the cane toad. They could wipe out Australia…no big deal. I never liked barbeques that much. But the humans with that damn collider and their stupid quest for the Higgs boson, could fuck things up big time.”
“I’m not so good at making deviled eggs or quantum physics,” said Mrs. God. “Do you mean the ‘You Particle.'”
“Yes, that’s right, the ‘Me Particle.'”
“Call it the ‘God Particle,'” said his wife. “Oh, right, you think talking in the third person is the first sign of mental illness.”
“Make some coffee.”
“We agreed you were going to do breakfast for this millennium,” said his wife.
“Don’t piss off God,” As soon as the words escaped God’s mouth they both realized it was going to be a bad day for the whole universe.
A Swiss physicist threw a switch and the collider hummed to life near Geneva.
And it came to pass, on the other side of the world, in Sydney, cane toads exploded by the bucketful.
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