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The Ever-Vigilant Roof Monitor

Angle Bendhard
Penthouse
2345 Twit Road
Los Angeles, CA 90077

Dear Ms. Bendhard,

Let us set the record straight.

I have never entered your condo illegally.

As you know, I have a number of listening devices, including a stethoscope that I use to locate running water. Wayward water originates when the rain roof drains fail or when a pipe bursts within a wall.

As you have been told many times, I am the roof monitor (R.M.) and in charge of minimizing rainwater damage. Normally, I would be concerned only with the roof. However, since the wall monitor was arrested on trumped-up vice charges, I have assumed his responsibilities.

Renegade water can cause thousands of dollars of damage. That is why I use a stethoscope and other listening devices (purchased out of my own pocket) to track it down and tame it.

You ask if I have a tiny camera that I can push through walls to videotape occupants while they are asleep or engaged in illegal activities. You have no proof of this so I won’t dignify your ludicrous charge with a response.

Here are the facts of Friday.

You came home at 3:22 a.m. I was on the roof, keeping an eye on things. Rain was not forecast. But I did not become roof monitor by relying on probabilities delivered by TV newswomen who dress in short skirts and flaunt large breasts to kick up their ratings.

When I walked past your condo at 3:55 a.m, I heard water running. I knocked on your door but you did not answer. I feared you might have drowned.

Because I deemed that other condo residents might be in imminent danger of flooding from your unit, I woke up the manager and we forced open your door (4:07 a.m.) so we could enter your condo, look for leaks and, if necessary, CPR you.

You told me you lived alone. When a large naked man — who I thought might be a robber — jumped out of your bed, I assumed he was reaching for a weapon and shot him with my taser. (4:08 a.m.)

The charge from my taser is non-lethal, except in circumstances where the target is in water. I regret that the naked man was incapacitated; however, you must bear full responsibility since you had installed an illegal waterbed. I draw your attention to page 67, paragraph 3, Amendments to Condo Living.

I had no intention of driving your boyfriend out of your life and I am sorry that he remains hospitalized. No doubt you will find a new lover. (Women such as you seem to have an easy chore of that.)

Yes, Ms. Bendhard, I admit you are a beautiful and sensual woman, but that does not give you the license to flaunt condo regulations.

I am not fooled or beguiled by you. You are a vixen who simply needs taming. I hereby put you on notice. I shall tame you the same way I tamed the roof, itself a type of vixen that thought she could beat me with her animal cunning — but in the end I subdued her.

Apparently the water “sound” from your condo was a high-speed “personal” vibrator. What with the recent power rolling blackouts and in light of your condo board’s vote of 3-5 to curtail unnecessary 110-volt gadgets, I had little alternative but to confiscate your implement.

Respectfully,
Jaron Summers, (Roof Monitor)

P.S.:  The board will convene a tribunal tomorrow noon to discuss appropriate disciplinary actions that we regretfully must take against you for once again refusing to allow me to have a key to access your condo during the rainy season.

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