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The Missionary Position — Jaron

Recently, my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii. I found a fascinating biography by Elder Trevrep, a missionary, who helped civilize the natives. Here is the preface to his book:

Aloha!

It turned out that we ran low on bibles after a few days. To be fair to the natives, we set up a revised system to trade a bible for a thousand acres of land. This was to insure that no single native ended up with more than one bible. This would have made them greedy.

They fought us at first but we prayed and we won because God was on our side. In his infinite wisdom, He had shown us how to make gunpowder. The heathen God of the Polynesians had only gone as far as spears.

Although the natives were all heathens, the females were the greater heathens of the two sexes. They refused to cover their breasts.

We found that the only way we could teach the natives was to work with them when they were young and administer whippings. We shot several of the older girls and finally the natives came to a closer understanding of the truth.

The younger women bought brassieres from us and this pleased our Father in Heaven. Before we had arrived in the adulterous world of Polynesia the native women often swam in the ocean or walked in the rain and exposed their twin seducers. The sun would dry them off.

After we taught them to cover themselves, many caught pneumonia from wearing wet clothing. These sisters died but we assured their families that the dearly departed were happy and with God.

Eventually we owned all the land. It was a joyous time for all.

It was not easy to build churches for the natives because there was little money in Hawaii, only fertile land. To raise money for the churches we grew sugar cane and pineapples. We built hotels, golf courses and airports. We developed the tourist industry so we could bring God to the natives.

Since we were diligent and we had the truth on our side, we raised hundreds of millions of dollars. We built churches in the middle of many islands where the heathens could go to hear the word of God.

We stopped the heathens from worshiping the sea and the gods of the sea by keeping the natives away from the ocean. The owners of the hotels and resorts agreed to build walls to keep the heathens inland.

These walls were expensive but the hotel owners proved they were wonderful Christians by underwriting half the cost. The rest of the money to build the walls came from the natives themselves when we taxed them. The taxes were inspired by the Holy Books.

Of course the children of the natives were free to gaze at the beaches and our Father’s handiwork as long as they had money to stay in the hotels and resorts that ringed the fringes of the islands.

Not everyone can afford $400 a night to stay in a fine hotel — a hotel whose purpose was to provide funding for churches to help native sinners come to an understanding. We came up with a plan. The plan was beautifully simple and simply beautiful.

Not only could the natives enjoy the land their fathers had traded for bibles, but they would also be paid to be near the sea.

They became employees of the hotels.

Aloha,

Elder Trevrep

P.S. — I wrote a novel about a failed Mormon Elder who met some natives.

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