Ten minutes, once gone, are gone for good.
Roger Moore and I were both Saints
“Let them eat (chocolate) cake”
How about—you write your script, press enter and with the help of AI and digital skulduggery—you create a masterpiece.
This goof wants to build an ICBM with a nuke in it and aim it at us. https://goo.gl/iuIftg The problem is that he needs a miniaturized nuke. So with the help of the CIA I could sell him a tiny “nuke.” It would have four dials on its face. A GO button, then three destinations: […]
No one could have anticipated that Clause 23 would be required
I am sending Rex to Russia to conclude my latest deal. I just sold Putin and his pals some worthless land we bought from them in 1867. I doubled our original purchase price. This is a TERRIFIC DEAL. DT
I will also teach you how to write screenplays that we can sell to the major studios.
Our ear ringing lessens, then miracle of miracle, stops. Laughter – best medicine!
From the 23rd floor of the Hyatt in Shanghai my wife and I look down on the Egg. A chicken that laid such an egg would stand taller than the Statue of Liberty. Even so, you could not make an omelet large enough from that gargantuan hen to feed the 1.4 billion people in China […]
Everyone grab half a sleeping person ….
The Right Man for the Job
We live in a frightening world, don’t we?
The leader of our land claims he’s making our country great again. He loves his family. They love him. So what if he has a real hot wife who was not born an American? Disgruntled voters have criticized him because he has said a few hurtful things to world leaders who do not agree with […]
Gaudi’s cathedral is a work in progress like our marriage
The two-inch drone traveling at 22 MPH evaded The Secret Service
He counted out four more sheets. He was grim about it.
Hot chicks go for guys who are rich, famous and buff.
Samsung’s latest evil invention
The phone that I knew as a boy has morphed into a magical device that we take for granted. But the machines are just starting.
Those in power must stop him. They paint Trump as a lunatic. As a liar. As a traitor. This will not work!
Maybe there’s something to the notion that inflation will do us in.
I would rather get some of my tiny piece of the pie back rather than giving up what little pie I have.
“Slip this into your pocket, don’t make it obvious. When you get home, check out the first star to the right of the nine.”
of the 12 people who have landed on the moon, all were female.
“So what are you going to do about it?” asked Donald Rabbit. “Reprogram me?”
Most of us are worker bees.
I discovered something that has shaken my confidence, my faith, and my soul, to the core.
— my friend, you will have a meeting that week. The single purpose in that meeting will be to meet Mr. Hopkins.
Let’s see if you can tell where I started to make stuff up.
About all that is left after 75 years … at least memories.
Have A Listen: sat test This link gets you a free copy of the narration, and a free trial membership in Audible. Already a member? I have some review copies while they last. email: email@example.com Thanks!
Trump challenged Bernie to a televised sex contest ….
Jack Wynters gives my favorite character a wonderful voice.
Mother Nature likes hockey. I know she likes hockey because I have seen and handled the tar that holds the oil.
Thank you for your dire warning about flying almost half way around the world.
My prediction — last edited 10/26/15 — Bernie will be the next US president
We have a winner. Bernie Sanders leapt from Bernie the candidate, to Bernie the statesman.
We have eyes everywhere. Maybe even drones.
Click on that button below
The more he drank, the friendlier he became. He liked the fact I recognized him and chuckled at a couple of things I said.
Adult Riddle. After everyone left the shower it was discovered that one of them was pregnant.
There was a whirring sound and I looked up and saw a television camera move in one of the palms trees. It looked like a metal monkey with a big eye. It saw me at the same time I saw it; we stared uneasily at each other.
All I can remember about Uncle Ben is that he was fat and ate lard and sugar on his bread, we loved him, and he was jolly and good to us.
Saturday morning was the first time we had ever met and I had known him for only twenty-five minutes. But what a golden twenty-five minutes.
Using ancient Asian folding concepts I refined the concept of the tiny house so that all my possessions and living quarters can be contained in a bucket.
California is working on a plan to siphon zillions of gallons of water from Lake Superior to LA. Honest. Lake Superior is one of the deepest lakes in the world. It has ten per cent of the fresh surface water of Planet Earth.
Think plastic bags. Today they’re for carrying oranges home from a farmer’s market; tomorrow the bags are part of a super highway or a giant death ball plugging up some ocean.
Are we playthings? Could it be humans were created by an alien race and we’re part of some goofy advanced culture’s computer games?
I had a college roommate who possessed good looks and charisma. He exuded passion. In college he felt that taxes were unconstitutional because he believed the government had been taken over by a ruthless organization which was in turn controlled by a group of powerful industrialists. These industrialists used kings and….
I’ve often wondered how parents teach their children to love.he other day I found one way. I was writing a screenplay with a former undercover Mountie Sergeant Dalton Taggart. He, his wife and two teenage sons live in Victoria, and I had a wonderful time staying with them and working on the movie. The two Taggart boys…
Most parents have no business raising children. They labor under total illusion as to their offsprings’ intellect.Take my friends, the Thors, who invited me to meet their new baby, Liam.I had no wish to meet any baby. (One does not have to be a rocket scientist to realize that few children under eight years are not human when it…
Boxers have left hooks and right crosses. Or is it left crosses and right hooks? Anyway, for me, there will only be one kind of hook, and that’s Charlie Taggart’s right hook. Charlie had an iron hook, the result of a boyhood flirtation with dynamite that almost blew him off the map.I will always be indebted to Charlie …
Being a CB radio operator, when I heard static coming from the Hale-Bopp Comet, I homed in on it.I was astonished to make contact with someone lurking behind the comet. Following is a transcript of our conversation:”This is Do,” said a frail voice through the ether.”Are you the leader of that cult that killed…
He died Sunday, October 10, in Edmonton. His family had sold his house and he had moved into the Waterford, an assisted living complex. He stayed there barely a week and then had to return to the Grey Nuns Hospital and intensive care.His short-term memory was burned out, but I could get him back on track by talking…
When you go to college you meet people and if you’re lucky one or two often become friends. In my case I met three guys. We become friends for life. We were roommates at BYU together. There was Darrell, Kent and Dennis. I was very lucky.Darrell Jones made a hundred times more money than the other three…
Stina Thor’s family and friends said goodbye to her, September 14, 2002 in Malibu. She was born in 1958. When I met her in 1968 I would have bet she was going to live forever. Stina had everything. Brains, beauty, humor, an infectious enthusiasm for life and she really cared about people. Her father, Larry Thor, was my professor at UCLA.
We have some dear friends in Australia and they are going to have a grandchild in a few months. The mother-to-be often wonders what her baby might be thinking about or saying. I was able to contact the child and here are the things the child wants in a few months. Hi Mom, Just a quick note to let you know how things are going.
I’ve always enjoyed using your services. Your mission statement says: “… committed to providing full and open communication with our customers, employees, and investors.”
But what about multi-headed customers?
Recently, a dear friend, Gary Dartnall (the executive producer of a film I wrote), became effusive with his praise when I handed in some rewrites. Gary also took to bursting into upbeat songs and I noticed he was tipping waiters more than five per cent. It was obvious to both the director and me that Gary was slipping…
Dear Fellow Nature Lover —
Each time Kate and I go to the national parks in Canada we hear stories of Elk that escape the parks by rolling over the Texas Cattle Gates. I wanted to see if it was possible for an Elk to do this and get a photo of it. Many days I waited and waited…
I make the astonishing observation that cell phones (mobile phones) caused the murder rate to drop annually from 2,200 to 500 in New York. Of course, I know nothing about statistics but neither do statisticians. Still, if you look at when the NY murder rate started to plummet (around 1995), you will see that’s when cell phone saturation hit almost…
You know, talking to friends and colleagues about rumors and happenings. Meaningless babble. Apparently we are hard-wired to stand around the water cooler and chew the fat since in the good old days knowing what was going on, saved having our own fat from being chewed up. “Say did you hear Uncle Henry was eaten at ….
Some become diplomats through birth. Others through dedicated education and focused study. A few geniuses, such as myself, achieve statesmanship (the ultimate diplomacy) through pure genius. I won’t give details and examples, Gentle Reader, for that would insult your intelligence. I am sure you are aware Prince Phillip…
Yep. I have three passports. US. Canada and GB. No, I’m not a spy except in my dreams in which I pilot my personal flying saucer. I love England, Canada and the USA. And wisely picked the correct grandparents so that I ended up a citizen of all three countries. Having three passports has caused me some….
Tools. The things that separate men from
Using ominous and shiny tools, dentists can hammer fresh incisors into your head after some miscreant uses a tire iron (auto tool) to smash in your porcelain caps (bite tools) because your wallet (money tool) contained only ….
Suggestions on how to see and enjoy Dublin, Ireland.
We like to stay in one place and get to know the locals.
Kate’s Prime Rule: Unpack and re-pack once per country.
Go to www.airbnb.com and look …
I had not been in a Chase bank for several years and was surprised to be welcomed by a young lady.
I showed her our latest mortgage bill.
She pointed to a teller. “Make your monthly payment there, Jaron.”
“Okay. I’m going to pay it all off.
Occasionally, when scammers play games with me, I see how far I can go with them.
It would be a singular honor for the town to have me address the expected throngs—present and past lovers of Coronation. 3,000+ guests are expected. The town will be aswarm with visitors. Many are aware that I have written short stories about Coronation.
Additionally, countless old friends are…
Background: Coronation, Canada (pop. 999), celebrates its centennial and I’m invited to speak. I confide to anyone who will listen, including the postman and gardener, that I’m the keynote speaker and guest of honor.My wife, Kate, has her doubts, plus it’s going to cost us a bucket of bucks to get back to my hometown … more expensive by…
I listen to senators and garbage collectors referring to themselves as public servants and my mind immediately substitutes public enemy and their faces turn to a twisted image of Jimmy Cagney as a two-bit gangster.America, once a magical country, has stopped producing anything much except weapons of war and…
Kate and I saw a sensational play, DRIVE, by a friend of ours, Laura Black.
DRIVE makes you think. At least it did us.
But not everyone agrees it’s a great play.
I read a mean spirited review of DRIVE.
Here’s what I thought of the ….
I’m disgusted that everyone’s making crude jokes about our legally (former) Elected Official: Anthony W**ner .
I am starting a contest.
First prize is a box of delicious Sees chocolates.
Only three rules.
As you know we rent five rooms to mostly grad
students in our home in Edmonton.
The housemates decide who can move in.
We have one guy from OZ who is into computers and artificial intelligence.
Jacko Chessman, California career criminal, at the Flyaway bus ticket window, mulled over his last two decades in the Golden State. “I adore Southern California,” said Mr. Chessman, who served twelve of the last twenty years behind bars. “Truth is, our worst lock-ups beat most world-class resorts. You got the best climate on…
My wife, Kate, and I often spend time in Kona. Here are a few notes on the place.
Sun 30/01/11 – my journal
… Kate and I are in Kona looking after chickens, dogs, cats and fending off wild pigs at the 1200 foot level of the island.
Kate and I flew to Las Vegas for one day and two nights—my only gal cousin, Pris, is living there with her husband. It was her birthday. We saw the water show for free at the Bellagio. Best thing to watch in Vegas. We spent no money gambling. The Eiffel tower is newer than the one they have in Paris. A security guard told me…
Historians will examine this decade to determine what went woogly. Someone will have to take responsibility for the disappeared dollars (about twenty trillion) and, the beginning of the ice age. And, oh yes, the raging cannibalism when the starving masses realized lawyers could constitute fine sources of protein.
When the Twin Towers disappeared in flames many thought a bunch of stupid and cowardly terrorists did it.
I felt that it was one of the cleverest sneak attacks that the world had ever seen and that the people behind it—although the personification of evil—were smart. And brave.
And it came to pass that Mr. and Mrs. God got up.
It was a bright and sparkly day. (One advantage in living a few hundred yards from the sun.)
devil-1″You didn’t sleep well, did you?” asked Mrs. God….
I am looking for a room to rent mainly on Thursday afternoon to evening. Could be other days rarely. My girlfriend and I would be meeting there. I would prefer following but not MUST:
1) Should be able to get a key to access this room so that I don’t have to bother someone to open it for me.
My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses.
Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor.
I hired a professional organizer, Sally Wigglesworth
My wife and I do not have any children and we are sad about this. But we are even more sad about the number of children our friends are producing. It was not easy, but after we received the above Christmas card I wrote the following to the man who was responsible for these 28 children. Has he no shame?
The waters off the coast of Kona, Hawaii are said to be magical. And I have a story about that magic. It involves gypsies, a piper and a whale. The gypsies live in Kona and live to play music and conquer the sea — which was always the dream of their father.
They laugh a lot.
A friend found this Rolodex* of Hollywood legends.
I bet it’s 50+ years old.
So how did these stars become so famous without using e-mail or owning cell phones?
* it was called a Wheeldex.
We’ve been looking for them for most of my life and with little success. Make that no success. Until recently we sent out signals to reach out and touch someone or something. This seems to me to be a little dangerous. Kind of the like Bambi mailing mapquest directions of his home to the Big Bad Wolf. It’s lucky the Klingons didn’t get
Our friend harvests and roasts the best coffee in the world.
The bad news: he only has 200 pounds each year.
He and his wife produce Kona coffee for their
family and friends each Christmas….
I am a Canadian Citizen and have paid my full and fairly honest taxes for many years. Partial confession. I am not perfect. When I was ten I stole Lifesavers (peppermint) from our local grocer in Didsbury, Alberta, and although I was under a cloud of suspicion for over a year, I was never apprehended…
My wife is a book thief.
I bring home a thriller and even though we have 1000s of them she hooks my latest book and reads it.
Then I find the purloined novel, and start to read it.
Of course I lose her place.
I might live to be a hundred he says. “But then again, there’s a chance I won’t. ”He taps a cigarette from a pack and touches a match to the tobacco and inhales deeply.
Now in his 81st year, Doug Paul, MD, contemplates death, something—he, as a medical doctor—has battled against all of his life. Until recently that battle has been fought on behalf of others.
New Zealand is the most beautiful and safest place in the world. Add to this a winter average temperature of 75 degrees and you have paradise. My wife and I just returned from Auckland, New Zealand. We were there for the shortest day of its year – June 21. In the Southern Hemisphere everything is backwards. Their winter is our summer and so on.
Thank you for your lovely thoughts.
I assure you that the talent and charm you attribute to me simply proves that you possess great imagination and compassion.
So just go ahead and start writing
I usually concentrate on writing humorous pieces.
Recently, though, I haven’t felt like writing funny stuff, since I’ve been thinking a lot about the death of my mother, Pearl. I miss her. She was wise and funny and compassionate.
Born in 1903, she weathered all the depressions—
There’s a novel way to deal with people like me who may soon be faced with dementia and/or Alzheimer’s. According to the Telegraph in Great Britain, the Benrath Senior Centre in Düsseldorf, Germany had problems with patients wandering off. Residents, because of short term memory loss, inevitably forgot why they had left the facilities.
To save you reading the same things over and over — I will highlight Sera’s email. I will not highlight my stuff because it’s all brilliant and original.
Let me know if the room/apt you advertise on craigslist.com is still available and let me know if you can
My wife, Kate, and I hate to throw stuff away.
If you want to see why, look at the following film.
Now if you really want to see why things can’t continue as they are, have a look at this:
Chase Customer Service Rep (Chase): Good morning. We are recording this to maintain customer satisfaction.
Jaron: Great. I was going through my online banking and I see that I paid you $450 two weeks ago. Last night you rejected my online deposit.
Chase: Correct. That is why you still owe
I recently told you there was a way to get some of the cheese, the cheese being the money and/or real property in a world that offers diminishing jobs and spiraling inflation. I think by now you realize that my philosophy is to work for yourself. There are many reasons for this but one of the best ones is that when you work for yourself you have
Let us begin with a small Ponzi scheme. Bernie Madoff put one together – we all know he bilked sophisticated investors out of fifty billion dollars. He is going to jail for forever and day. Everyone knows how a Ponzi scheme works. Essentially you persuade people to let you invest their money and then you put it in your pocket. You pay the people who invested
If you are looking for the smartest scholars in the world come to my home, within walking distance of The University of Alberta. I rent rooms to four grad students who attend the great campus. I would put my four fellows up against any group of scholars who have ever lived. Aristotle, Einstein, Hawking. It would not matter. My lads – in their sleep
Old world charm & hi-tech delights
Three blocks from the campus,
Features 50-inch HDTV, wi-fi,
and nearby bus and LRT.
Recently I ran an ad to rent a room in our home in Edmonton.
I was lucky enough to find a possible renter.
(I’ve highlighted her info and questions.)
Back Story — I advertise a home for rent in Edmonton.
An internet scammer, Juliet, has tried to hook me into sending her money —
These scammers send out 1,000s of emails to people on Craigslist who often just want to help students and earn enough money to survive.
My wife and I rent our Alberta home to grad students.
An internet scammer, “Dr.” Juliet, attempts to trick us into sending her some money.
I convince Juliet I am crazy but gullible. And maybe a dirty old man. (Little does she know how close to the truth this is.)
Kate, my wife,
and our friends
Larry and Bev do a St.
Patty’s jig for you.
Which one am I?
Hint: there’s two of me.
The secret of getting money back from a large and powerful corporation is:
1. Go to the top guy and make him feel good.
2. Illustrate you have been a good customer.
3. Tell him your problem and go for a
My wife, Kate, and I toyed with buying a bed and breakfast lodge in Ontario.
Our realtor recommended a property owned by a Mrs. X in one of the most lovely spots of the world, Niagara-on-the-Lake.
During the Shaw Festival accommodations are at a premium and
I am not sure where he came from or how he learned to do what he did but he was one of the most bizarre characters who ever settled in our village.
He was an electrician …
… who resembled a Sumo wrestler with a French name, and how he learned about electricity I don’t know.
They say nothing ever happened in Coronation but I heard stories about the Gent from Geneva, who in the late 1940s, arrived in Alberta. This guy, I think his name was Franz, had seen a travelogue of Western Canada. Its majestic Rocky Mountains gave Franz the idea that moving to Alberta was like living in Switzerland in the shadow of the
They say nothing happened in Coronation but they must have been out of town one Saturday night in 1960. The evening started out dull, not much to do but watch a movie at The Avalon, the town’s only theater, or maybe wander over to the Chinese cafe and have a cold Coke and a warm piece of pie. Sometimes there was a dance or a
They say nothing happens in Coronation.
They are certainly not goose hunters.
Coronation is on the fly path of millions of geese that migrate between the Arctic and Mexico each year. There were a lot when I lived there in the 50s.
A dentist charged me $650 for a gold crown the other day.
I thought of my father. It’s curious what links men to their fathers. Usually it’s hockey or baseball or camping.
With Dad and me it was teeth.
My father was a dentist in Edmonton
I am one of a handful of Canadians with a valid passport.
As a matter of fact, I have two passports. Let me explain.
Passport Canada is terrified that it might issue a passport to a bad person.
This has forced Passport Canada
People I trusted lost my identity and it’s in the hands of person’s unknown or a spy.
It all began about five months ago when I applied for a Canadian passport.
After only three attempts and four months, Canada issued me a passport but—well, you can see what happened
Background. After months of mind games (using electron microscopes to find fly specs on my head shot so it could reject my application and destroy our travel plans), Passport Canada reluctantly awarded me a new passport but sent my driver’s license and birth certificate to a stranger, Mr. X. They also sent me Mr. X’s old passport
April 7, 2008
The Honourable Diane Finley
Minister of Citizenship and Immigration
Jean Edmonds Building, Tower South, 21st Floor
365 Laurier Street West, Ottawa, Ontario K1A 1L1, Canada.
We have a house in Edmonton that we
rent to students. Occasionally scammers send us phony cashier’s checks.
They insist on paying more than we ask for the place. AKA: advance rent fraud.
They instruct us to send the difference
Note to self: When buying co-ops in New York go for something above the fifth floor. Perhaps global warming will cause the oceans to rise and New York will be underwater and you will drown on lower floors. Logical? Nope. Within a New York second of the Atlantic’s rise Washington will hire a bunch of Dutch engineers to build dikes along the
Every night for the last 40 years or so I get up around 3 AM and go to the bathroom. I always think of things to write about.
Lately I have been writing them down.
What would happen if you got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and you stubbed your toe just as…
Do I really think we should all hibernate for most of the winter?
No, I guess not.
But what would happen if we stayed in bed a bit longer? It worked for Hugh Hefner and of course Winston Churchill spent much of his time in bed, working away.
My grandmother went to bed in the fall, stayed there until the spring.
Then in mid-May my mother and uncle would throw open the shutters and get Grandma up for the summer.
This went on for twenty years.
Had Grandma been born in the..
The chaos was worsening. The loons on St. Margaret’s Bay sang silly songs in the Nova Scotia fog. A phone rang and McDuff, 71 and overweight, sat bolt upright. He felt insignificant on his huge Simmons Beautyrest memory foam bed in the corner of his massive second floor suite. Nestled beside McDuff his third wife Danielle, 35,
Not that far in the future, a few years after the kids learned to use surface-plus computers … the Armed Forces of Earth offered a course called War Animation for Peace (WAP). The course was a hit with the younger cyber crowd. It took six years of intense dedication and you learned how to annihilate computer-generated space invaders.
His wife annoyed him.
Nagging. Leaving the garbage for him to take out. Substituting skim milk for cream in his tea.
He decided to off her.
Things could go wrong.
Also, husbands were always the…
After being a writer for 40 years, I’ve learned the right words enable us to connect to our own humanity.
Take Peter Reede.
He’s a middle aged man who lives in a tiny flat in Devonport at the edge of Auckland, New Zealand.
You won’t notice her as you drag your suitcase down the jet’s aisle.
She smiles behind a touch of too much makeup and her shoes are not sexy now. Polished but functional with one-inch heels.
Her hair would be grey if she did not color it and there are lines,
Dear President Jintao,
We have dozens of highly motivated and trained scientists working for us in our pursuit to equalize the great discrepancies that exist among nations.
For some time now we have felt that China is the future of mankind. We are committed to do whatever it takes to
Ever suffer from Astraphobia—fear of lightning and thunder?
Although there are lots of things I am terrified of—such as being attacked by giant spiders who inject my body with some kind of stun juice so they or their offspring can eat me later.
According to Greek mythology the first sphinx lived in the suburbs of Thebes and killed anyone who failed to solve the riddles she posed.
I wish she were around now, because I have a riddle for her.
My riddle started about fifty years ago, as I was drinking a Coke in the Hong Kong
1- Do you believe your God speaks to you and guides you?
2- Do you believe your God directs your leaders?
3- Has your God given you a list of things to do in order to become a better person?
Fred Fünkendiddle was into green.
“The most important thing we can do for the planet is conserve Mother Nature’s resources,” Fred Fünkendiddle said to his wife.
“But Darling, I recycle everything. I am a strict vegetarian and I read only in sunlight to conserve power.”
Bill Meilen told me that the difference between a wedding and a funeral in Wales is one less drunk. At the time he was gravely ill but even so his humor did not fail him. Days later on September 4, 2006, Bill, 73, died. My wife, Kate, and I attended his funeral in downtown Vancouver, BC, where he and his wife, Patricia, had made their home for the
President Ford had a lot to say about certain politicians—in nearly all cases his remarks were made to reporters with the stipulation that they not be revealed until after Mr. Ford’s death.
Ford said Carter was a “disaster” and our best president was Dwight D. Eisenhower.
I went to lunch with Jimmy Huston and one of his daughters, Georgia.
Jimmy took a package to post before lunch.
I said that he didn’t need any stamps and suggested he simply leave it on the street. Some kind soul would deliver it or mail it.
As you will recall I decided to write a history book that is easy enough for any nine year old to understand. Becki, a distant cousin, is about nine. (History lesson 1) Becki wrote me back a nice letter about our forefathers.
Here is my answer to her, along with lesson 2.
I decided to write a history book that is easy enough for any (smarter than average) nine year old to understand. Becki, a distant cousin, is about nine and she is smarter than average. Way smarter.
This book is for Becki.
Originally I was going to do the book in
My father, Jack Summers, and Uncle Bill stand between the bridesmaid and Aunt Ivy (the bride in blue).
My father had murder on his mind.
Thomas Wolff once said “You can’t go back,” and Edward Albee said, “There are no second acts in American lives.”
What is the Mercy Stone™?
Killing with the Mercy Stone™
My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses.
Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor.
I hired a professional organizer, Sally Wigglesworth.
She was a gentle and beautiful child (albeit precocious) when she and her mother moved into our condos here at Goofy Acres in Los Angeles.
We called her Duh because whenever anyone put to her a question such as – “Isn’t it lovely today?” she would always say something like, “Well, Duh, the sun is out.”
Dear Mr. Summers,
Since we regard you as a “partner” in our banking family, we at the Royal Bank appreciate your concerns. Rest assured, we look upon the administration of your money as a solemn duty.
You wrote to me that you felt we were
Notes from the homeowner –
I heard scratching noises above the ceiling tiles.
The roof rat was back. There was a hole in the wall by the top of the bookcase that looked like the access that the rat used. I placed glue-pads on the bookcase
Charlie Pickle specialized in refrigeration.
He was working after hours and he tumbled into a vat of brine and was electrocuted and then frozen to death by some kind of automated machinery in this pickle factory.
What would be the chances of a guy
People often ask me how to sell scripts in Hollywood. The following websites may help. Two other things count: passion and a smile.
Hollywood Power Players and maybe a job….
You might sell a script here
Max Wayward was the first person publicly executed in California as a result of the Travel Controls & Restrictions Act of 2007.
The governor of California presided over a television special, showing authorities strapping a sedated Wayward to a green gurney as a medical doctor pumped blue liquid into his main artery.
The third planet had turned into a tiny sun and the aliens were sad to see the end of the human race.
What had gone wrong?
Toward the end of their reign on earth, the humans argued incessantly over a couple of fun subjects. One was evolution, the other was Intelligent
The old man was fabulously rich, having acquired his wealth making puzzles and riddles.
In the few weeks (or was it hours?) that the old man had left, he summoned the brightest inventors in the world to his deathbed and said he had one last riddle, or was it a request?
An open letter to the premier of Alberta:
Our provincial government earns way over a billion dollars annually from oil.
Using a revolutionary concept that I devised (after my 9th Tony Roberts Seminar) we could turn that paltry sum into over 100 billion dollars (real money).
I usually have the greatest admiration for Steven Spielberg, a film genius.
War of the Worlds. Its best feature is the voice over by Morgan Freeman. The guy could convince me that my wife is perfect. He has that kind of power. He’s so good that he could probably convince my wife that I’m perfect.
Above us an enormous snowflake hovers in the vibrant air of the Canadian Rockies.
The snowflake, Sputnik-sized, is a white octagon—supported by eight pillars encircling a shimmering pool.
As my wife, Kate, and I float in the pool, we hear relaxing harmonies as…
I’m not a bawl baby but a sunset moves me to tears…and perhaps, larceny.
Sunday at Kinkos. Two employees kibitzed at the rear counter.
“Would you make a few copies for me?” I asked.
“Use the self-service copiers, Dude,
My wife, Kate, came across a few notes that I had scribbled.
Here is what she read – “It’s amazing how tiny decisions change our lives.
“You take your dog for a walk and he shakes his lead and you end up running into an old friend.
I spent a fun weekend with Steve Irwin, the Australian Crocodile Hunter.
Recently, he was criticized for “introducing” his newborn to a man-eating croc.
Steve and Terry (his beautiful wife) have repeatedly risked their lives (along with their kids) to provide TV viewers
As most earthlings know we now have two rovers, roving across the surface of Mars. Both are looking for water because water will prove that life could have existed on Mars.
Once we can establish that water was on Mars, we may be able to prove that cowboys and ranchers inhabited the red planet many years ago.
Once upon a time there was a clever CEO (let’s call him Glenn) who ran one of the most successful airlines in the world (let’s call it United Airlines).
Now into our story comes Patricia. She’s 46 with two teenagers and, sad to say, she’s been a widow for a few years. Patricia is a United Airlines flight attendant with an MA in languages and,
Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted to a possible faux pas in his dealings with women prior to winning the governorship in The Golden State of California.
“My sin, if you could call it that, is in the past, I categorized women. I am very sorry for that. No group of people should be grouped together without…
In 2010, Little Arnold, sat down at his Apple computer. It was a G-22, way better than the clunky G-5 of the early 2000s.
There were a lot of other children in the kindergarten class. Most of them were named Arnold. Some were called “Arnie” and a few went by “Termy” ¾short for Terminator.
Veronica was a beautiful five-year-old blonde with a smile that could subdue the most dastardly curmudgeon.
The child was blessed with parents who adored her. You could reason with Veronica.
Perhaps because they had experienced “tough love” as children, the parents
Supermodel Niki Bassett divides her hectic life between New York runways and faraway Ethiopia.
Ms. Bassett, who earns $100,000 a day posing for clients such as Victoria’s Secret, returned via private jet from Ethiopia where she had addressed indigenous groups in an effort to raise the consciousness of women…
In a surprise strategy that stunned the nation, President Bush announced his new running mate for 2004 is Saddam Hussein.
“I promised to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Who knows more about their locations than Saddam Hussein? When he’s on our team he’ll take us to those hidden bunkers…
As my loyal readers know I am in Baghdad covering the second of the three Gulf Wars.
The bombs are raining down and blowing appendages about but, to be honest, I am more concerned about the shabby manner that I am being treated in the Mohammed Motel in downtown Baghdad.
Mr. Martin Shield, 43, born in Seattle, Washington, is an Episcopalian and pacifist.
During the last decade Mr. Shield has repeatedly placed himself in harms way to bring injustices to the attention of the world.
He has paid a steep price for his
George Mohammed, a world-famous linguist, is a Persian-American who has spent most of his life working with the United Nations.
Now 64, Dr. Mohammed faces the greatest challenges of his career. He is in charge of renaming various parts of Iraq to mirror the recent regime change.
The beginning of the end of the world might have been in Vietnam when a general explained he had to destroy the village of Ben Suc in order to save it.
A few decades later, actually only a heartbeat in terms of the so called indomitable human spirit, the most powerful nation in the world fell upon a nasty dictator who possessed..
According to Michael Powell, head of the FCC, effective June 1, 2003, California will be the ninth state to ban walking while talking on a cellular phone.
Mr. Powell said the annual 2,600 deaths caused by drivers who use cell phones is trivial in comparison to those who walk & talk.
When it comes to organizing our lives, we use the modified shoebox method around our household.
We scribble Bills on the end of a shoebox—we stuff all our financial stuff into it. We have shoeboxes for everything but our shoes. Footwear we put in apple boxes. I don’t know why.
Between Christmas 2002 and the New Year, Kate and I journeyed a thousand miles up the Amazon of South America.
We employed a native dugout canoe.
We took on the deadly Amazon because we wanted to explore the second..
Born in the early 16th century, Nostradamus wrote poems with four lines, quatrains. Notradamus
Qnostradamus1uatrains were French but they also contained Italian and Greek and Latin.
Many scholars (I, among them) feel these quatrains predict the future…
CNN: Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the suspected mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks and a senior operative in Osama bin Laden’s al-Qaida network, was captured Saturday in a joint raid by CIA and Pakistani agents.
Our crew on the Olympia Voyager had warned and re-warned us of the perils of exploring the 166-square mile island-country on our own, emphasizing and reemphasizing that the only safe way to explore the home of the world’s oldest rum (Mount Gay—300 years and still going strong) was under the guidance of a certified Oylmpia Voyager excursion
Our university graduates are crackerjacks. The best.
Take the four young men who rent our house—sterling Canadians to whom I will pass the flame.
The men, ages 22 to 30, have collectively racked up 75 years of education. They communicate in twenty
After I was fired as assistant foreman of the poultry farm, I decided to go into the real estate industry.
(Over the last twelve years I have purchased most of the real estate courses available on late night cable shows.)
The basis of these courses is to show
News Item: The Iraqi government has enlisted Saddam Hussein look-alikes in an effort to thwart assassination attempts on their leader.
In a secret section of Iraq, Saddam Hussein strolled past the twelve men, standing ramrod straight.
Each of the twelve sported a Saddam
The cellular phone or cell is the world’s most successful sex prop.
Body language is what counts in the mating game and extreme posturing is what the cell encourages.
You’ve seen the TV ads.
Astonished nerd assumes beautiful
There are Seven Writing Secrets.
If you promise Seven anything Secrets, people will read you. (See? I’ve gotten you this far….)
Now, onto writing secrets….
Ryan, early 20s, the nephew of an old
I recently spent several days in the world’s friendliest city, New York.
The town is coming back like a lion and the colorful residents turned out to be some of the most helpful I have ever had the pleasure to spend time with. If the terrorists thought they have brought the city to its knees those terrorists were sadly mistaken.
As readers of this column may recall my wife recently committed an error that resulted in the theft of our Acura Legend.
The person who stole our favorite car was charged with operating a vehicle without the permission of the owner. In California this is a misdemeanor equivalent to spitting in public.
I have always thought that love was more important than possessions so I was understanding when the action (or should I say, non-action) of Kate, my wife, resulted in a car “accident.”
The car was an Acura Legend that I took very good care of. Each Saturday morning I lugged a bucket of soapy hot water to the garage so that Kate…
They say nothing happens in Coronation.
I proved the fallacy of this in Part l. Part 2 concludes this amazing story that had its roots in Coronation.
As you will recall I promised to explain how George, a boyhood acquaintance with an enormous head, became the subject of a bizarre investigation by the Royal Canadian
I beg to differ.
When I was 12, I lived in Coronation on the plains of Alberta, Canada.
Our tiny town had a Chinese laundry, a drugstore, two hardware stores, three restaurants and four farm implement dealerships.
Dear Mr. Yasser Arafat,
As the leader of the Holy Roman Empire, I and the rest of the civilized world, are appalled by your encouraging suicide bombers, little more than children, to enter various pizza restaurants in the state of Israel, blow themselves up and kill innocent citizens. Isn’t there something we can do to..
My wife, Kate, never gets angry with me.
And I never get angry or even impatient with her.
You see, whenever we speak, we always refer to somebody else.
Let me give you an example.
When I came home the other day,
If you want to have an ancient Celtic wedding you need three things. Two people to agree to marry each other and a druid.
Finding two people to marry each other is achievable. Locating a druid is a bit of a puzzle. No druids are listed in the yellow page.
Although I am in prison, I am innocent.
The one thing I might be guilty of is living The American Dream.
I hit upon a legal and (if I do say so myself) an ingenious method to earn $6,000 a day using cats and several items that anyone could purchase.
A friend of mine invited me to attend the Directors Guild of America in Los Angeles and listen to their five nominees for Outstanding Directorial Achievement.
Baz Luhrmann, famous for Strictly Ballroom, seemed to be as graceful and as full of energy as one of the lead male dancers from his film, Moulin Rouge.
Dear Professor Ben,
Welcome to the heady ranks of the very very successful Hollywood writer.
I am delighted you have finally achieved a (some say the) plateau where you grasp that you must focus on the type of brad employed in binding a screenplay.
John Michael Hughes recently explained to the authorities why he let himself into a Malibu, California house.
He said his fiancée, movie star Meg Ryan, forgot to leave her key under the mat. He had had no option but to kick in a bedroom window and enter. This seems reasonable to me but the cops called it breaking and entering.
Pablo Moreira, 28, a Uruguay banker, says he will sue United Airlines and Tony Robbins for interfering with his travel plans.
“It started out innocently enough,” said the banker. “After we took off from the States I told some of the flight attendants that I could secure preferred charge cards for people who are..
Kenny Lay and I were having a drink the other day and he chatted about his resignation as CEO from Enron, America’s energy giant.
“Are you bitter?” I asked.
“Why, no. I’ve squirreled away a few bucks for a rainy day.”
“Kenny,” I asked, “how much did you squirrel?”
As I read the Christmas holiday memoirs of famous dead writers I realize that their accounts of their holidays are often superior to those of my own.
One of the major differences is that classical writers seldom identified friends by entire name. They simply used initials, I suppose for fear of
First you require a vehicle.
I tested Lamborghinis, Range Rovers and Hummers—each more disappointing than its predecessor.
So many imperfections. A moon roof whistled at 200 MPH, a gas cap was crafted poorly, the horn did not scatter pedestrians effectively and…
When I am in the midst of composing one of my hilarious weekly columns, my wife often interrupts me with the pretense of cutting my hair. The result is the loss of a brilliant column, albeit the appearance of my ears.
Today, as I was thirty-seven per cent into an exquisitely funny column, Kate said, “Time for a trim.”
A group of Taliban religious leaders plans to market “Taliban Barbie”™ early in the New Year, according to investigative journalist Geraldo Rivera.
General Mohammed Sphincter explained to Mr. Rivera outside of Kabul that “Taliban Barbie”™ will help to reeducate members of the al-Qaida network along with its supporters.
Los Angeles (CNN) — Passengers and crewmembers aboard a United Airlines 747 overpowered Mohammed Reid shortly after he tried to detonate plastic explosives at 35,000 feet above the Pacific Ocean.
This is the second attempt by terrorists in less than a week to hide powerful
There is no question that my wife, Kate, and I were driving on your toll road at the time and place indicated on our recent “Notice of Toll Evasion.” I fully and freely admit this. My wife continues to harbor doubts.
May I explain?
From our condo in Los Angeles, my wife, Kate, and I watched CNN document the horror of the terrorist attack on New York and the Pentagon.
I thought we were watching a preview of a special effects movie … until I realized there were no commercials.
In the following days I became nutso..
There are many ways to write a column and if you are busy, busy, busy often all you do is read the first and last paragraph. If you are one of those people, here’s the first and last paragraph.
First paragraph—When my wife, Kate, and I walked onto the grounds at the Optimum Health Institute …
Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. bin Laden had been dwelling in the Afghanistan desert for what seemed like forever.
Bin Laden’s youngest wife had said at breakfast over shriveled figs, “it’s like we have been living like sand crabs on this like desert for like eons.” “I don’t appreciate it when you use the word ‘like,'” said her husband.
Many readers around the world are no doubt familiar with a recent fax that bin Laden sent.
Fortunately the CIA was able to decode several secret messages within the fax.
The English translation of the text follows in black. The blue section is the part decoded by the CIA:
Afghanistan is a bitter and hostile country where countless people perish under a relentless desert sun. A land of terrorists and drug dealers, a land of radical religions.
But it also a land of spectacular panoramas and delightful people.
One such delightful person is Osama
Stop reading unless you are a terrorist. And not just an ordinary terrorist but one of the followers of Osama bin Laden who was involved in the mayhem of 9/11.
Hi. Mohammed be with you.
First I want to tell you, you guys are brilliant.
As readers of this column know, my wife and I live in a small condo. Until recently there were no children here. I like children; I’ve always said they’re the soul of mankind.
A few days ago, Ruth Smith moved into the complex with her eight-year-old twins—a girl named Sally and a boy, Damian.
A twenty-seven-year old widow is helping to make it a misdemeanor to drive while talking on a cell phone throughout many North America communities.
Donna Babing, working with the Sierra Club, has also been behind legislation barring cell phone calls on federally owned wetlands.
World-famous televangelist Benny Hinn has postponed his Super Christian Crusade that was to originate in Salt Lake City, Utah at the end of June.
Reverend Hinn was airvaced today to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota to undergo emergency treatment for a life-threatening staphylococcal infection.
An expert on deviant animal behavior was arrested Sunday on first-degree murder charges in this seaside community of rock stars, movie celebrities and corporate executives.
Dr. Patrick Finley, 68, who taught and lectured throughout the world and was a frequent contributor to National Geographic, is being held without bail in
I have spent countless hours figuring out how to determine when to buy and sell stocks.
This is called market timing.
Most savvy investors don’t think much of market timing. People like Warren Buffet, probably one of the richest men on Planet Earth, believe you should buy
They say nothing ever happened in Coronation but few people ever sat in on Mr. Mills’ fifth grade class, my home room teacher.
Mr. Mills, would look out the second-story window of our red brick schoolhouse as a car sped by and ask, “I wonder what that driver is going to do with his extra two minutes?”
I met Mr. and Mrs. Brady in their home in Las Vegas. Their four-bedroom residence had been turned into a media circus.
As readers will recall, the Bradys made headline news when Mrs. Brady gave birth to 18 babies last month.
During our interview, haggard church
Jaron: Reverend Jackson, what’s wrong with America?
Reverend Jackson: It’s morally bankrupt. The greatest sin is Men of God who betray their families. These so-called Christian leaders shag anything that struts by their steeples.
Jaron: Why do women allow it?
Life may imitate art, but around our home, marriage imitates international relations.
Last Sunday I was preparing omelets for my wife Kate and her parents.
My mother-in-law Betty (who understands fully that when I am creating a culinary masterpiece
I met with a strange duck to find out some of his secrets for survival.
He lives in Los Angeles and his name is Mr. Noraj. Mr. Noraj is a middle-aged man with a warm smile who likes kids and has thinning hair. Few people realize what kind of diabolical things he perpetrates on a daily basis.
Coronation was the result of a sexual act.
Edward VII exercised his connubial rights with Alexandra of Denmark on or about September 4th of 1864.
George V of England popped out of his mummy’s belly in June of the following year.
They say nothing happens in Coronation. I have news for you.
Many things that have just happened in the world, happened decades ago in Coronation.
For example, yesterday I read about a couple of wolf boys with a traveling circus.
Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones ripped off banks for zillions in the exciting feature film “Entrapment” produced by my buddy, Michael Herzberg — how’s that for dropping names?
Mr. Connery had Ms. Zeta-Jones working under him for much of the movie.
At noon last Friday, a human being was cloned for the first time in the United States of America.
The father of the clone (or, rather, the donor of the DNA that created the clone) is Sam Fitzlehead, a janitor at American Research Gene Laboratories in Seattle, Washington.
Dr. Con S. Erve, Canada’s leading anthropologist, first achieved notoriety for his studies of the Wo-Wo Tribe.
The Wo-Wo tribe was composed of 2,724 aboriginals who worshiped at a sacred “Ocean Beach” in northern Alberta.
No one knew that landlocked Alberta
Claude Cramp teaches an intensive course in urban driving skills to rich bitches.
Jaron: As a former employee of the Department of Motor Vehicles, do you enjoy your job?
Mr. Cramp: I love it. I specialize in helping the rich hone their driving skills.
Dear Ms. Bendhard,
Let us set the record straight.
I have never entered your condo illegally.
As you know, I have a number of listening devices, including a stethoscope that I use to locate running water. Wayward water originates …
Dear Dr. Bendhard:
I am the roof monitor (R.M.), not “roof watcher” as you erroneously stated. You accused me of murdering Jack Belikoff, another homeowner who the police determined committed suicide.
While I did not agree with some of Jack’s more bizarre activities….
I met Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Brigham Splendor just outside of Salt Lake City.
They, as old-time Mormons once did, practice plural marriage. Today the Mormons (The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) excommunicates any of its members involved in polygamy.
I woke up the other day because there were two Maoris knocking at
Maoris are the original Polynesian natives of New Zealand.
These dudes were in dark suits and looked like IBM reps except they were carrying spears and their faces were
Jack, the Mad Russian, is dead. Shot between the eyes. Suicide say the police. (See my last column.)
His brand new Lexus X5 SUV towers over a Porsche Carrera-4. Their combined value could hit two hundred thousand.
After the police smashed down the Mad
About a week ago I returned to our small condo complex and noticed that our neighbor’s door down the hallway was open.
I went to the door and knocked and a stranger wandered out of a back bedroom.
In recent years we have come to think of our brain as a computer.
In the good old days of Aristotle we knew what the brain was. A refrigerator.
No, I’m not kidding. Aristotle had it figured out that the brain was used to cool the blood.
There are all sorts of ways to diet.
Our family’s favorite is the Modified Toast and Tea (MTT) diet that includes peanut butter, grapefruit and cottage cheese.
You can lose five pounds in a weekend if you exercise a little will power.
Recently I underwent a medical procedure that brought me as close to death as it is possible to achieve without actually dying.
I am talking about a procedure involving the insertion of a six-foot tube into your body to have “a look around.” This snake-like gadget is along the lines of common garden hose with a camera in
My wife Kate has this hormone imbalance thing. A lot of women do. One learns to live with it.
It caused us a few problems so we decided to see a marriage counselor.
The marriage counselor, Dr. Seesaw, said that women were from Venus and guys were from Mars. I asked…
Mr. Richard (Rich) Twit, the world’s wealthiest man arose after a long and sleepless night. Several of his zillion dollar mergers were not going well. Mrs. Twit had a frightful headache and there had been no sex for Mr. Twit for some weeks now. The government was threatening yet another suit to bust up Mr. Twit’s many, many conglomerates.
Even in the fields of eugenics and DNA, few have heard of Dr. Stein. A year ago Wired Magazine printed a passing reference to him, dubbing the scientist, “The Poor Man’s God.”
Intrigued, I tracked down Dr. Stein. Dr. Stein, 67, wears eyeglasses that are duct taped together and dresses in what appears to be thrift-shop clothing.
The world’s most powerful man is the President of the United States.
When you think of the President what is the first image that comes to your mind?
Air Force One? Old Glory? The President chatting with the nation from the Rose Garden?
All you have to do is click on the following logo of PayPal. You fill in a few blanks and they deposit five dollar$ in your bank account.
Make payments with PayPal – it’s fast, free and secure!
(I, by the way, receive five bucks for your doing this. But you don’t pay me a cent.
Some people are blessed with many relatives. I am not. As a matter of fact, I only have four cousins, one of whom is a girl: Priscilla. She is the issue of my mother’s twin brother. When we were kids, Priscilla had a pet rabbit that ran away and I was blamed for releasing it. Because we are the children of twins, Priscilla and I probably share more DNA
Several years ago, an American hunter mistook two friends for a big game animal in northern Alberta. The hunter shot both men as they sat on a parked all-terrain vehicle.
The hunter was cleared by local courts “of hunting in a manner endangering other persons.”
Recently my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii. I found a fascinating biography by Elder Trevrep, a missionary, who helped civilize the natives. Here is the preface to his book:
It turned out that we ran low on bibles after a few days. To be fair to the natives
The cell phone, the world’s most ubiquitous communications tool, may be for taking, but what about making a sexual statement?
Success in the business world is this millennium’s aphrodisiac.
A male who announces within seconds of meeting the female that his net worth
Several readers have asked about the time I almost crashed the Concorde.
Well, like most things I write—the better ones (I think) are based on my unusual but actual experiences.
A few decades ago I was writing a screenplay for Andrew McLaglen. He is a world class director and the son..
I thought about going for a spin on the Concorde when the famous plane was here for our air show last month but I was short of cash and besides I’ve already had the pleasure of flitting across the Atlantic on the craft.
As a matter-of-fact it was aboard the Concorde that I was treated like an idiot and the captain pointed at me after we
Compromise is the key to marriages and volcanoes.
For example, my wife, Kate, who is a flight attendant, had three Maui trips back-to-back. She suggested I go with her.
“Can we afford it?” I asked. “After all, we’re trying to live on your salary while…
Timing. It’s everything.
Take the case of the recent Concorde disaster. Many years ago my wife and I flew on it. Lots of fun.
Had we taken the Concorde flight a few days ago, we would be dead. But we missed the ill-fated ride by at least a decade.
Dear Jaron Summers,
After review by our legal department we have decided not to reinstate you as a contributor of Themestupid.
We suspected you were a racist. Now we have proof since you have been posting articles on our system using several aliases in which you use …
Six years ago my wife and I visited an astonishing city: Hong Kong. Mirrored skyscrapers shimmered like silk. Wealth was everywhere. Except in broken shadows where harnessed coolies pulled rickshaws.
My wife, Kate, says that Hong Kong swelters like a desert city without a beach.
I participated in two rituals recently.
One was a sweat lodge ceremony on the plains of Alberta near Edmonton.
The sweat lodge looks like an igloo made of hides or canvas. In it native North Americans conduct a series of rituals they have repeated for countless generations.
Who is the richest man on the planet? (Hint: it’s still Bill.)
Who among you has illegal copies of Bill’s software? (I would guess 98 per cent of the people who read this.)
Which brings us to the latest theory generated by my large brain: there is a link between having your work illegally
In humor writing you have to be careful who you make fun of.
I wrote a hilarious story about selling a house to a Mexican. I made fun of myself and my family. The story, as an added bonus and an example of my talent, was also poignant.
I titled the story: ….
Hello, I am Jaron’s Hernia and this is my story.
Hernia is Latin and made up of: “Her” and “Nia.” “Her” is Jaron’s wife, Kate, and she brought me into existence by complaining that their condo was leaking.
This caused Jaron, clutching a hundred
Cyberspace is filled with information.
The great thing about owning information is you can sell it. Unlike a car, after you sell information you still have the information—plus you have more information about the people who bought it from you, so you have more information to sell and so on. I think Bill Gates picked the right area to get into.
On the Web, it’s a challenge to sell digets.
Digets (rhymes with widgets) are anything with digital content ~ a book, a software program, information, art, music, etc.
Cottage industry digeters are usually happy with a five or ten dollar sale…
And because most of us have a secret desire to be well-known and witty authors, there exists a vast network of sources ready to help us.
You’ve seen the ads: a “reputable” New York or Toronto publisher is hunting for a few good writers.
So you send in your manuscript—
Life is filled with dilemmas.
The dog is four years old and is named Nike and belonged to my mother who died last year. My mother was 95 and as her only offspring I am the sole beneficiary and executor of her tiny estate. I’m in charge now.
My wife and I inherited Mother’s house,
As readers will recall, after my mother died last year, I turned her home into a kennel for her beloved pup, Nike. He enjoyed my efforts but I worried he would get away and perish in cold weather or traffic. And Nike was lonesome.
I could not take the adorable pup to Los Angeles with me because we cannot
Since I’ve had some luck writing screenplays, seldom a week goes by that a business person doesn’t offer me “a great motion picture idea.”
These executives, many of whom have seen movies, all of whom wear mostly black clothing, attempt to induce me into writing their screenplay with offers of vast riches.
Our nephew Mandrake asked how my wife, Kate, and I managed to remain blissfully together for over two decades while many other couples wound up divorced.
“Mandrake,” I said, “even though you are only nine years old, you are mature enough to learn certain basic marriage concepts.
Cloning is close to the ultimate act of egotism. So is making love to yourself. They could have dire consequences when they collide.
Hans Moravec is his book, “Mind Children” says we will soon copy our minds and inject those minds into a clone or even a computer.
From time to time loyal readers ask me questions.
A WARNING. There is a question coming up that you may find offensive. I certainly don’t want to upset you by talking about what you may feel is a deplorable habit. So if you have never masturbated or you feel it is immoral, DO NOT READ any further.
My darling wife, Kate:
Well, I’m gone now and you ended up with the houses, the cars, the bank accounts, my gold Rolex, all my new suits, my seven computers and everything I ever wrote.
It goes without saying that you’ll miss me tremendously and although you may
Yesterday afternoon, Charlie Dumbkoff was terminated as CEO of Citibank after a billion dollars disappeared.
From time to time, stories had circulated concerning Citibank’s involvement in money laundering, murder and excessively high interest rates on credit cards.
To: My fellow condo residents:
I am sorry about the tar on the stairs.
Here is my explanation. It rained and our skylight leaked. Since we have a flat roof, your roof monitor (me) got in my car and drove down to the valley and bought five gallons of tar and some plastic sheeting. I managed to get some of the
My friend, Martha Stewart, invited me go shopping with her. As readers will recall it was Martha who taught me how to make her world famous pasta sauce.
As we drove to the market, I asked Martha why it was that my sauce never seemed to taste as good as hers.”Your basic ingredients are stale,” explained the world’s greatest chef.
My wife, Kate, is always buying things for our home that make no sense.
We had ants; she bought some chalk to get rid of them. The chalk was made in China. I told her it was silly to think that chalk could rid us of ants.
“Silly? Moi?” Kate asked, sweetly. Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly…
Matthew Benson Applehead (MBA) had trouble peeing one night. Fearing he might be a diabetic, he ran to a nearby hospital. A passing car blinded him and while he was jabbering on his cell phone, a truck ran over him, killing him instantly.
Bad luck, you say?
Many decent and fine folks who work from nine to five, seven days a week, will NEVER retire.
They spend all their paychecks on food, clothing and housing. By the 22nd of each month, they run out of money and are forced to assume MASSIVE credit card DEBT to survive until their next meager paycheck.
Get out while there is still time.
The stock market will soon crash, so if you are in it, bail right now.
As a matter-of-fact, the entire economy of the world is headed for a
What amazing skills do I have that enables me to make such a prediction?
Woody Allen is off to London.
The world-famous New Yorker is set to direct his latest play, “Later-Yi,” in one of London’s newest boutique theaters. New York producers had nixed the play.
“Later-Yi” is the poignant, yet hilarious story of what can go amiss when you fondle your stepchildren and later have
Ten years ago, Dr. Erve, one of the world’s leading environmentalists, led a worldwide drive to save Canada’s whooping moose from extinction.
The miniature moose, about the size of a rabbit, makes a sound similar to the whooping crane. There were forty-three of the small quadrupeds left on the planet.
I’m a security guard. If I ever pass the police aptitude test, I’m going to be a full-fledged peace officer and then I can carry a gun.
Just around midnight I was patrolling the South end of the city’s main nuclear generation facility when I observed this dude, dressed up like a friggin’ ninja, all in black, scaling the 15-foot cyclone
“Chip” Cursor was the first victim of the Millennium Bug in this century. On 01/01/00, I talked to Mr. Cursor in his hospital room where he was hooked up to life support.
Mr. Cursor: Come back tomorrow. I’m expecting a call from my wife.
Jaron: Your wife claims you went
Christmas eve and the Ho-Ho-Ho boy is annoyed.
Rudolph: What’s buggin’ you?
Santa: You’ve been drinking again.
Rudolph: Blizzard out there, Santa. Need a little antifreeze. Makes me lovable.
Santa: You’re grounded.
The year is AD 2027 and all but one of the millions of lawsuits precipitated by the Y2K bug have been settled.
The plaintiff is Mr. Jaron Summers, a handsome elderly man with a warm, grandfatherly smile. He walks with graceful dignity using a silver cane, one of the innumerable gifts he’s received from royalty around the world.
Although I have not spoken French for over 40 years, I remember all of it from junior high. (I was a child prodigy in romance languages.)
Even my French teacher said I had an astonishing approach to linguistics. Curious she flunked me. Jealous, no doubt.
If penis jokes offend you — stop reading.
What’d you know? You’re still with me. Good. Here goes: A rattlesnake bites Johnny on his John Henry.
“Don’t panic,” says Johnny’s camping pal, “My trusty medical manual’ll tell us what to do
My wife, whom I love dearly, has a box fetish.This is a tragic and deep-seated neurosis that is apparently part of her family’s DNA. It causes the females in her family to collect and hoard boxes, mostly cardboard.
Over the past decade, Kate has crammed more and more boxes into our small condo and until last week there were so many in our bedroom that we could only make love in a south-by-southwestern configuration and only one participant had enough space to scream.
Soon we’ll be in a new century and a spanking new millennium.
Most of you may find yourselves morosely wondering what you have done to change the world for the better.
I, however, don’t have to fret because I invented something that had a profound
Brother Fügenpacker was ever ready to assist widows and look after the homeless.
Everyone in our congregation loved him in the truest sense of Christianity.
Then Brother Fügenpacker took to wearing a skirt, along with matching high heels.
When I was about 12 or 13, my mother told me that I was going to have problems when I reached puberty.
“Why?” I asked.
“The males on both side of our family take a long, long time to mature. Your father was almost 23 before he started to shave and my brother was a very late
My wife, Kate, has this hormone imbalance thing. A lot of woman do. It caused us a few problems so we decided to see a marriage counselor.
The marriage counselor, Dr. Seesaw, said that woman were from Venus and guys were from Mars. I asked Dr. Seesaw where she got her counseling degree? NASA, maybe?
“I’m afraid, Mr. Evenkeel, I have both good and grim news for you,” Doctor Smith said softly to his patient.
Evenkeel, who had been an eternal (albeit annoying) optimist most of his life, swallowed, then blinked in disbelief.
The kindly doctor interlaced his fingers, rechecked his medical charts and made…
I’ve been using my large brain to hunt for a word to describe what happens when you have planned a great improvement for mankind and then, out of the blue, that improvement results in mayhem.
“Blindsided” comes close, but it won’t do. Blindsided, while colourful, does not indicate that your misfortune happens due to your own tinkering.
Charlie and Lucky were sitting in front of the hotel. It was a warm day, but soon it would be winter and neither one was looking forward to a chilly November or December.
Charlie and Lucky were old friends and after they talked about the weather, Charlie (who was the younger by a few years) said that he had read that pets
Dr. Laura: I’m my kid’s mom and I’m here to share with you the importance of living high moral principles even if those around you call you a tattletale, goodie two-shoes or religious fanatic. We have Monica on the line. What’s your problem, Honey?
Monica: I’m a sexual addict.
The world’s most successful studio executive, Scot Squeegee, drove his new stretch Rolls Royce from his 60-room mansion in Bel Air to Streak Studios to view the rushes of: The Scot Squeegee Saga.
According to reports in Daily Variety, The Scot Squeegee Saga was expected to play to sold-out crowds in theaters
They say nothing every happened in Coronation but that’s because I kept some secrets.
The Bee Story comes to mind.
Mr. Adcock, a bee farmer, lived a block from our home in Coronation, (pop 990), in the center of the Alberta plains.
I love it. Forty years ago a Hershey chocolate bar cost five cents. The bar will cost $5.00 in 2017.
The dollar won’t be worth squat.
The chocolate will!
Kate: You remember when we were married?
Kate: Didn’t we agree that any time we contemplated purchases of over $500 we would discuss such an expense before it was incurred?
Don Hewitt: We had a sensational show last week on 60 Minutes. How are we going to top it next Sunday?
Mike Wallace: With a thought-provoking study of how dentists rip off old people when they do implants, starring yours truly.
Lesley Stahl: Nice, very nice, Mike. I have an exposé on the way supermarkets cheat shoppers when they run pickles through scanners.
I don’t know why certain people can’t learn to travel more lightly.
Recently my wife and I flew to Tahiti. As usual I had packed only a single flight bag. As usual my wife had overpacked, drastically.
Tahiti is a Polynesian paradise. Why in the world would one want to take….
When I was a kid, we could buy an ice cream cone (double scoop) for five cents.
That was in the 50s. Now ice cream cones cost two bucks.
Are they worth that much?
To answer that question I will tell you two
One of the many reasons I am so successful with my life is that I have studied how the masters of negotiations achieve spectacular results.
There are three rules you must master if you are to come out ahead in a negotiation.
Rule number one realize that the person
Three cheers for the human race: risk-takers whether we want to be or not.
Exploring space, making love, brushing your teeth–all are fraught with degrees of risk. John Glenn has done all three. Three cheers for him.
Because risk takers fascinate me, I invented the Jellybean Game.
Since I had a brain tumor, I went to Dr. Ivey. He was a little crazy as most older dentists are.
The reason for this is that people hate their dentists and after a lifetime of being hated, dentists turn a little crazy. Younger dentists are not crazy but they don’t know anything so it’s best to go to an older crazy dentist.
We are in Kona for a few more days thanks to the cat. God bless that little creature.
Our friends have a terrific place but they have wild chickens and of course roosters.
They just woke me up.
A plea to all humans still alive.
I managed to make another 12 cent film in Hawaii.
I don’t know if I will be around to complete a third ….
The felines have encircled the house here in Kona, they grow stronger each
Greetings, we are out of Hollywood and in Hawaii.
With luck we may return in time.
In time for what I am not sure.
The creature is back in Kona. The radiation did not kill him. It made him stronger and extremely dangerous to…
Why you want to know, I don’t know.
Went to BYU for BA in Journalism. UCLA for an MFA in TV writing.
Written dozens of novels, TV & screenplays, radio, humor & bittersweet columns, articles and reviews.
I was raised in Coronation, Alberta
Counting pennies, hating birds…
I usually concentrate on writing humorous pieces.
Recently, though, I haven’t felt like writing funny stuff, since I’ve been thinking a lot about the death of my mother, Pearl. I miss her. She was wise and funny and compassionate.
The $15 bungalow Mom and Dad bought half a century ago….
My parents purchased our Edmonton bungalow in 1963 for $15.
My wife, Kate (who monitors me far too closely) read my note on our computer screen. “Fifteen dollars? You’ve lost it again,” she said.
They say nothing happened in Coronation. Maybe. But maybe that was before our little family arrived.
I was born in 1942 in a Calgary parking lot. Well, in those days it was the General Hospital.
One day when I was twelve my father bought a deep freezer that was bigger than a coffin. Some of his patients (he was the only dentist for a hundred miles) paid him with sides of beef. He said he would teach me how to cut up the beef into steaks and roasts and we […]