Red States, Blue Plates

Operation Deep House Democracy

A Modest, $500-per-Voter Proposal to Save the Republic (and Maybe Find Love)

W…ritten by

Let’s face it: America’s democracy is wobblier than a dining room table propped up with back issues of Newsweek.

We need real reform. Not more mailers. Not more robocalls. Not more fact-checking of that uncle who thinks lizard people control Congress.

No—we need connection. And we need it fast.

Enter: Operation Deep House Democracy.

🗳️ The Premise

Everyone who pledges to vote Democrat is paired with someone pledging to vote Republican.

The two are then assigned a sacred democratic mission:

Spend 24 hours living in each other’s homes.

Not to argue. Not to debate. But to snoop, search, and score points based on clues that reveal what the other really believes.

🔍 The Scoring System

🧻 Fox News toilet paper roll — +1 Republican
📜 Ripped-up Constitution used as kindling — -1 America
💌 Signed photo of Obama hugging your dog — +1 Democrat
🕯️ Ronald Reagan-shaped wax candles — +1 Republican
📚 Michelle Obama’s memoir inside a shotgun case — +1 Bipartisan Bonus
🎩 Life-sized Hamilton costume in the closet — Automatic disqualification

First side to hit 5 points wins the round. Loser buys dinner.

🍽️ The Final Ritual

After 24 hours of peaceful espionage, the two participants share a terrific bipartisan dinner. (Taxpayer-funded, of course—thank you, Federal Reserve printer go brrrr.)

Then, each must sing the other’s favorite song.

“God Bless the USA” vs. “Imagine”? “Take Me Home, Country Roads” vs. “WAP”? Doesn’t matter. It has to be heartfelt.

After dessert, they hug. The cameras zoom in. Someone cries. America gets just a little less broken.

💸 The Budget

Cost per match: $500

Includes:

Background checks
Body cameras
Moderately edible casserole
Copyright licenses for karaoke duets

Total program cost: $36 billion.

How do we pay for it?

We print more money. You wanted Modern Monetary Theory with a melody? Boom.

🦅 The Result

Voter turnout: 98%
Civil discourse: Up 450%
Number of marriages across party lines: Honestly, too many to track
Congress? Still a mess. But now they sing karaoke together.

✨ The Dream

Sure, it’s ridiculous.

Sure, it’s expensive.

But so is war. And this one ends in hugs, casseroles, and a newfound respect for people who store their voter registration next to a signed Taylor Swift poster and a loaded musket.

Democracy, baby. Deep house style.

The curious thoughts of Jaron Summers