1. When was the last time you had sex?
☐ An hour ago.
☐ Last Tuesday.
☐ Seven months, six days, and one hour ago.
☐ During the Reagan Administration.
☐ I have been advised by counsel not to answer.
☐ In one hour, assuming this survey goes well.

2. How would you rate your spouse today?
☐ 10 — My beloved.
☐ 7 — Acceptable.
☐ 5 — Under review.
☐ 3 — Requires maintenance.
☐ 1 — Ask me again after dinner.

3. How often do you repeat stories?
☐ Never.
☐ Occasionally.
☐ Frequently.
☐ What story?

4. How often does your spouse repeat stories?
☐ Never.
☐ Occasionally.
☐ Frequently.
☐ Constantly.
☐ They just told me this yesterday.
☐ I just told them this yesterday.

5. When an object goes missing, who moved it?
☐ My spouse.
☐ The grandchildren.
☐ The dog.
☐ Government agents.
☐ I moved it.
☐ I found it exactly where I left it and will never speak of this again.

6. Which phrase best describes your marriage?
☐ We finish each other’s sentences.
☐ We finish each other’s desserts.
☐ We finish each other’s medications.
☐ We cannot hear each other but continue the conversation anyway.

7. Which household activity creates the most conflict?
☐ Loading the dishwasher.
☐ Unloading the dishwasher.
☐ Folding laundry.
☐ Thermostat settings.
☐ Existing.

8. How many times have you considered replacing your spouse with a younger model?
☐ Never.
☐ Once.
☐ Twice.
☐ Then I checked the market.
☐ The current model remains superior.

9. What is your spouse’s greatest strength?
☐ Patience.
☐ Kindness.
☐ Loyalty.
☐ Cooking.
☐ Tolerating me.

10. How many pillows are currently on your bed?
☐ Two.
☐ Four.
☐ Six.
☐ Twelve.
☐ We are no longer sleeping on a bed. We are sleeping on decorative pillows.

11. What percentage of your conversations concern medical issues?
☐ 5%
☐ 20%
☐ 50%
☐ 80%
☐ Is this survey covered by Medicare?

12. Which statement best describes date night?
☐ Restaurant.
☐ Movie.
☐ Walk.
☐ Costco.
☐ Falling asleep during the opening credits.

13. Have you ever hidden snacks from your spouse?
☐ Never.
☐ Once.
☐ Several times.
☐ Define “hidden.”
☐ Where did you find them?

14. How many medications do you currently take?
☐ None.
☐ A few.
☐ Several.
☐ Enough to open a small pharmacy.
☐ I rattle when I walk.

15. What is your primary retirement hobby?
☐ Travel.
☐ Golf.
☐ Gardening.
☐ Reading.
☐ Looking for things I put somewhere safe.

16. Which statement best describes television viewing?
☐ We agree on programs.
☐ We compromise.
☐ We negotiate.
☐ We maintain a ceasefire.
☐ We have separate nations.

17. How often do you discuss your bowel movements?
☐ Never.
☐ Rarely.
☐ Weekly.
☐ Daily.
☐ With charts.

18. Which topic causes the most disagreement?
☐ Politics.
☐ Finances.
☐ Family.
☐ Driving.
☐ The correct way to chop onions.

19. How often do you tell your spouse they are beautiful or handsome?
☐ Daily.
☐ Weekly.
☐ Monthly.
☐ On birthdays.
☐ Whenever I need a favor.

20. Which statement best describes aging?
☐ It beats the alternative.
☐ Barely.
☐ Most days.
☐ Ask me tomorrow.
☐ What were we talking about?

21. How many devices must be charged every night?
☐ One.
☐ Three.
☐ Six.
☐ Twelve.
☐ More than the Apollo Program.

22. What is your spouse most likely to say during a road trip?
☐ Are we there yet?
☐ You missed the turn.
☐ Slow down.
☐ Speed up.
☐ Why didn’t we stay home?

23. How many times per week do you threaten to move to a tropical island?
☐ Never.
☐ Once.
☐ Several times.
☐ Daily.
☐ We already have brochures.

24. If your spouse dies before you, what will you miss most?
☐ Their laugh.
☐ Their companionship.
☐ Their wisdom.
☐ Their cooking.
☐ Knowing where everything is.

25. Which statement best describes your relationship today?
☐ Madly in love.
☐ Deeply attached.
☐ Best friends.
☐ Partners in crime.
☐ Two survivors sharing a remarkable adventure.