Am I a Crook?

I have never embezzled

Quora is a fun place to find people who answer questions. A lady from Quora, Ann, recently asked me this:

Have you ever embezzled from your company or organization? Will you please tell us about it?

Dear Ann,

Alas, I have never embezzled from any company. Or anyone. But as a writer I have some clever schemes. Do you want me to try them on you?

If so please send me your (a) social security number and (b) three of your credit cards. Not copies. Just mail ’em to me. I’ll return them. I need them so I can study your signature. I learn a lot from the way bright people like you sign your name.

Share with me the most evil thing(s) you did to a relative or employer. It should be in the last two years … because of the pesky laws dealing with statutes of limitation.

Unless you killed someone. If you did list the method(s) and the reason(s). Give me full details. After all, a confession is good for the soul.

Also, supply me with a detailed list of the times you cheated on a husband or boyfriend. Include your own children if applicable. Please describe what you did and the number of times. Don’t hold back anything.

If you have stolen or “borrowed” jewels, autos, family heirlooms, money or stocks, list them.

If you have any selfies of your activities please have them notarized. Send three copies of each act.

Have you ever left a baby or a puppy you grew annoyed with on a church doorstep?

Please do not send sexually explicit images of your behavior. I am not a pervert. And you can trust me.

Your new Internet friend,

Elder Jaron Summers

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Jaron Summers wrote dozens of primetime television and radio programs, including those for HBO, CBS, ACCESS TV and CBC. He conceived the TV and Film Institute of Canada. Funded by the University of Alberta and ITV, Jaron ran the Institute for 12 years, donating his services for a decade.

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