Bin Laden – Inside Job

Los Angeles (CNN) — Passengers and crewmembers aboard a United Airlines 747 overpowered Mohammed Reid shortly after he tried to detonate plastic explosives at 35,000 feet above the Pacific Ocean.

This is the second attempt by terrorists in less than a week to hide powerful explosives on or in themselves in efforts to destroy U.S. passenger jets and disrupt American aviation.

Mohammed Reid, 24, faces charges of interfering with the flight crew of the Boeing 747. He is the younger brother of Richard Reid, the man suspected of trying to ignite plastic explosives in his shoe on a recent trans-Atlantic flight.

Mohammed Reid was arrested Saturday in California after UA Flight 13 from Hong Kong to Los Angeles was diverted to Bakersfield following an incident in which the born-again Moslem was discovered trying to set fire to his nostrils.

Mohammed Reid, drinking milk, was reading an article about the 9-11 terrorist attack on America. Overcome by mirth, he ejected the white liquid all over the raincoat he was wearing.

“I assumed he was simply your garden variety pervert,” said Flight Attendant Kate Lindsey, a 25-year veteran with United. “Then I noticed he also looked like the fellow who had the explosive shoes last week.”

Ms Lindsey said that when Mohammed Reid tried to ignite his nose she hit him over the head with a fire extinguisher. Fearing that the suspected terrorist was concealing explosives in his shoes, passengers further restrained Mr. Reid while a medical doctor amputated his feet.

Investigators in the United States, Europe and Israel backtracked the movements of Mohammed Reid, who is under a suicide watch in an undisclosed jail in California. “We don’t think he’s going to attempt to escape,” said an unnamed prison guard. “It’s difficult to walk out of prison — but if you don’t have feet, well…”

Anonymous sources speculated that Reid was recruited as a suicide bomber because he has abnormally large body cavities.

After searching Reid’s nose, the CIA probed all of the alleged terrorist’s body cavities. “We found bin Laden’s DNA in Reid’s large intestine. It appears that Reid may have briefly harbored the world’s most infamous terrorist by concealing the religious cleric in his rectum,” said the director of the CIA under condition that his name was not revealed.

Bin Laden’s recent videotapes indicate that his body weight is under 90 pounds said a National Security Agency spokesperson. “We also believe that his right arm may have been blown off by one of our daisy cutter bombs. We could be dealing with a man who weighs less than 70 pounds. It is conceivable that the Moslem leader traveled inside Mr. Reid for several days.

“The interior of Reid and an Afghanistan cave are surprisingly similar. Both are dark, smelly and often filled with indigestible nuts.”

NSA admitted it had “no absolute proof” that bin Laden was actually inside Reid. “Our field agents indicated a high probability that at least bin Laden’s head was up Reid’s (expletive deleted). It’s ironic since everyone was saying bin Laden had his head shoved up his own (expletive deleted),” quipped a NSA employee.

Israeli media reported Reid traveled on a Sri Lankan passport between Pakistan and Afghanistan shortly before bin Laden vanished.

A group of Marine proctologists will continue to probe both Afghanistan caves and Taliban prisoners for further signs of bin Laden.

President Bush has ordered random nostril checks at all U.S. airports.

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