Bold Alberta Finance

An open letter to the premier of Alberta:

Our provincial government earns way over a billion dollars annually from oil.

Using a revolutionary concept that I devised (after my 9th Tony Roberts seminar) we could turn that paltry sum into over 100 billion dollars (real money).

This bonanza will keep Capital Health in marvelous health, guarantee a house (with attached garage) for everyone, and provide extra jail cells for those who sneak into Alberta after word gets out that we’re richer than Saudi Arabia.

What I am going to reveal to you is pure science.

Here it is:  gasoline expands when it gets warm. Etch that concept in your mind, Sir.

My proposal:  Let’s build huge underground gasoline storage tanks in the permafrost where it’s chilly, the year ’round.

We’ll sell these tanks to Americans, Chinese, and Quebecers — whoever wants to get into the energy business.

Every morning Albertans will drive to the storage tanks and buy cold gas.

By noon the gas will expand by five percent. In a jumping Jack flash, we’ll sell that gas with its increased volume on the world market.

Since there is five percent more volume, we get five percent more money. We do this day in, day out, 365 days a year.

(If you don’t have your calculator handy, Mr. Premier, that’s 1825 percent a year. That got your attention? I bet it did!)

Just think, every Albertan who wants a job (even if they have the odd hit and run felony) will have full and glorious employment.

Consider all the taxi drivers waiting at the airports, jabbering at curbside, letting their engines idle.

Those cabbies could become richer than orthopedic surgeons in a few months.

Of course in mid-winter the gasoline won’t expand in the cold air.

Not to worry. We’ll cover our cities and towns with big “bubbles,” maybe made from Plexiglas. I’ve ruled out bricks. Bricks won’t let the sun in. We could make a deal with Tupperware to supply huge “city-dome” upside down see-through bowls.

Everything under the city-domes will be toasty warm, year ’round because our friend, the sun, will be magnified by those see-through shells.

When we drive into those toasty areas, the gas will immediately expand and we’re in business.

Next we’ll cash in on our water.

Globally, good water is in short supply. Hint. By freezing the water we can increase its volume by four percent.

We’ll sell the four percent on the world market and keep the 100 percent for ourselves.

We can also sell Taber corn to the world. We’ll of course sell it by volume. And here’s the key to increasing corn’s volume. Pop it!

I have many other astonishing and helpful ideas, including a method of dealing with pesky Mad Cow embarrassment.

I can’t reveal too much as I have not completed all the patent applications, but basically what we do is fit mad cows with explosive vests. We then start a rumor these cows are anti-American.

The mad cows will be purchased and shipped to Guantanamo Bay in Cuba, postage paid by a certain foreign government.

These Mad Cows will never be heard of again. (To increase the cow’s poundage we’ll feed them ice water and popcorn.)

When can we meet, Sir?


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