News Item: Alberta is experiencing the warmest winter in over a century. 

Just before our latest deep freeze interrupted the balmy winter El Niño has blessed us with, I interviewed Charles Celsius, Ph.D. and world-famous meteorologist at the University of Alberta.

“Dr. Celsius,” I asked, “people are saying that our weather is out of whack. Any truth to that?”

“Oh, my no,” said the climate authority, studying various storm fronts swirling across his computer screen. “Things are perfectly normal.”

“But it’s January and people are golfing. Usually Alberta is covered with snow at this time of the year.”

“Ah,” said the meteorologist, “you said the U-word.”

“U-word?”

“Usually. You see, this is where the layman becomes confused about weather. The uninformed say it’s usually raining at this time of the year, or it’s usually tornado season, or it’s usually snowing. It’s meaningless.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to,” said Dr. Celsius. “You’re not a trained weather observer. Not your fault. A meteorologist must look at the broad picture, the big picture, if you will. Overall, our temperature is average, our rainfall is average, my goodness—even our snowfall is average.”

“We don’t have any snowfall,” I said.

Snow in Summer

“Not now, man,” said the international scholar. “But we’ll be getting flurries in July. So we’ll have an average year. We look at the big picture.”

He pointed to a computer monitor. “See, because the polar caps have melted and the oceans have covered our coastal cities, we have a slight, er, shift—and that shift means we’ll have snow in about six months. As a matter of fact, if you have some cash to invest, my advice to you is put it in a snow-shovel company.”

“How much snow are you predicting?” I asked.

“About 1,000 metres, give or take,” he said, checking a barometer. “But over the next millennium everything will average out.”

“Are you crazy? By summer, we’ll be trapped in an Ice Age,” I said.

“Now, look here, don’t be writing such sensational drivel. An Ice Age is when ice covers the planet. I’m predicting a thin mantle of snow, in relationship to the total diameter of the Earth, that is. To put it in layman’s terms, it would be like frosting on a beer mug.”

“But what about the farmers?” I asked.

“What about them?” he asked, trying to turn up the air conditioning. He picked up a hammer and gave his thermostat a whack.

“Farmers won’t be able to grow anything in all that snow,” I said. “And without crops, millions of people will starve to death.”

“We’d have to set up a computer model to see if that’s correct. But remember, we have billions of people in the world. A million here or a million there does not make a significant impact on the big picture.”

The Big Freeze

“I don’t agree,” I said. “I think it’s pretty serious when the Indian Ocean freezes over.”

“It’s only temporary,” said Dr. Celsius.

“Could you define temporary?” I asked.

“In global meteorological terms, temporary would be from 11–17,000 years. Nothing to be alarmed about. My, it’s warm in here. You’d think if we could put a skateboard on Mars we could figure out how to install air conditioning.” He peeled off his shirt.

“Seventeen thousand years doesn’t sound like temporary to me,” I said. “What about the countries who depend on the Indian Ocean for food?”

“For the short term, they’ll have to learn to ice fish, but things will correct themselves. It’s all part of averaging out. The big picture. The beauty of the Earth’s weather is that it’s a closed system with its own checks and balances. With the cooling of the Indian Ocean, we’re experiencing a bit more warmth in the Northern Hemisphere during our winter.” He took off his pants and shoes.

“And how are we going to cope with these global weather shifts?” I asked.

Climatic Disasters

Dr. Celsius opened a window and a blast of hot air rushed in, smashing his computers against the wall. Across the campus, lightning hit the Students’ Union Building, vaporizing it. Several cows, caught in a mini-tornado, whirled past.

“Get one thing straight,” he said. “It’s you people in the media that have come up with global weather shifts. It’s your way of selling papers and hooking the public on television.” He picked up a research paper that explained how to make igloos from coconut shells and fanned himself with it.

“There are no global weather shifts?”

“Of course not. It’s like talking about the greenhouse effect. No scientific basis for any of it,” explained Dr. Celsius, taking off his shorts and socks.

The naked meteorologist picked up a pitcher of iced tea and poured it over his head. “On the average, our weather is normal. You can quote me on that.”

He opened a nearby fridge and climbed into it.

(This was an attempt at funny post I wrote January 22, 1998/ Vue Magazine.  Now in 2026, it ain’t funny no more)