Æthelred the Unready
Tries to Pay Off the Vikings
(Spoiler: It doesn’t work)
In the year 991 AD, King Æthelred the Unready — whose nickname should have been “Æthelred the Eternally Hopeful but Chronically Gullible” — found himself in a bit of a pickle. A pickle the size of Denmark, filled with angry bearded men in boats, armed with axes and a craving for other people’s livestock.
The Vikings had landed on England’s shores again. Instead of fighting them off like some brave, sword-wielding hero, Æthelred thought: “What if I just give them money… and they promise to go away?”
And thus, Danegeld was born — the world’s first “please-don’t-hurt-me” subscription plan. So he paid them 10,000 pounds of silver — the GDP of a small kingdom — to shove off.
And it worked!
For about five minutes.
Then word got around Viking circles: “Hey, that chump Æthelred’s handing out silver like it’s leftover porridge!”
So more longboats showed up. Bigger ones. With more beards.
By 994, Æthelred had upgraded his payment plan to 16,000 pounds of silver. Then 24,000. Then 36,000. The Danes were making so much money they were thinking of franchising.
Eventually, in 1016, the Vikings skipped the extortion racket altogether and just took England. King Cnut the Great moved in, rearranged the furniture, and demanded another 72,000 pounds of silver — not as a bribe this time, but as a welcome gift.
Moral of the story?
Paying Danegeld is like feeding raccoons on your porch. They never leave — and next time they bring cousins.
