Head Phones

Dear Lowell, I've always enjoyed using your services. Your mission statement says: "... committed to providing full and open communication with our customers, employees, and investors." But what about multi-headed customers?

Lowell McStatic,
Chairman and chief executive officer of Verizon Communications Inc.

Dear Lowell,

I’ve always enjoyed using your services. Your mission statement says: “…committed to providing full and open communication with our customers, employees and investors.”

But what about multi-headed customers?

I think you need to be responsive to them too.

A few years ago under cover of darkness, on a starless night, Verizon commenced building peculiar towers on the building next door.

Here is what happened to a flat roof almost overnight.

The false roof reminds me of that first James Bond movie (Dr. No) ─ the one where the mountaintop opens to reveal evil plans to take over the planet.

Of course you have to be on top of our building to see this.

From the front side of this mischief all you see is what appears to be a normal building with a “slanted” or pitched roof with some bloated flag poles on top of it.


The Verizon people hung a little flag on one of the masts and told everyone that they were building flag poles. We found this dang curious. Although kind of patriotic.


Flaccid flag so we idiots

would not realize what

was going on

Some of the neighbors had heard about the dangers of these cell towers and were afraid that the electromagnetic fields they generated would be harmful.

The authorities (guys who work for you) giggled at our stupidity and said that the rays were harmless.

I found a warning that said that if you went near your equipment you would be killed. The warning had yellow bolts of fire coming out of a child’s head. I pointed this out to your workers and they changed the sign to this:

wireless-4(click to enlarge)

We still couldn’t get cell phone reception worth a darn, and then the two-headed child was born in our building.


Cute little fellow and both his heads are talkative.

I asked one of your guys if maybe your rays had seeped into the mummy’s tummy.


Your guy said that was just silly. Two-headed babies are born for all sorts of reasons.

He said your radiation is so low from your cell towers that you could not even measure it. He said no one should worry about a thing.

We were inclined to believe him but then about a year later a three-header was born in our building. Talk about a hat trick, huh, Lowell?


Once again, some of our neighbors figured it had something to do with your cell tower rays. Both babies (if you count heads, we’re talking five souls even though their combined body count is only two) had mothers who lived at the end of our condo closest to your cell towers.

The three-headed toddler sure sounds funny when they talk. It’s not actual talk, it’s more like that dial tone you hear on your line just before you place a call.

I am making no accusations and am accusing you of nothing but since your billion dollar company does a lot of good, how about giving these kids (five heads in total) some free “head” phones so they can call you up and negotiate some kind of settlement when they get big enough to talk properly?

I bet you could get them to sign a non-disclosure agreement so that you would not have to worry about their story getting out and tainting a company with your sterling record.


Jaron Summers, investigative photographer and journalist

P.S. By the way, Lowell, any truth to the following or is it just more left-wing nonsense?

P.P.S. This is probably nothing to fret about but a kid in our neighborhood had a sister who worked right below your second cell tower. When he went to pick her up, he claimed this is what she had turned into. Any possibility that’s true?


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Jaron Summers wrote dozens of primetime television and radio programs, including those for HBO, CBS, ACCESS TV and CBC. He conceived the TV and Film Institute of Canada. Funded by the University of Alberta and ITV, Jaron ran the Institute for 12 years, donating his services for a decade.

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