Ho Ho Ho – Santa

Christmas eve and the Ho-Ho-Ho boy is annoyed.

Rudolph:  What’s buggin’ you?

Santa:  You’ve been drinking again.

Rudolph:  Blizzard out there, Santa. Need a little antifreeze. Makes me lovable.

Santa:  You’re grounded.

Rudolph:  I’ll lose my Nike contract.

Santa:  Tough! I’m replacing you.

Rudolph:  Right. Sure. Santa Claus, the Benevolent; Santa, the Purveyor of Wonderful Gifts — but how do you get a really nice gift from old St. Nick?

Santa:  You’re prancing on my nerves.

Rudolph:  Why? Don’t you want the world to know how Santa decides which good little girls are going to score Pink BMWs?

Santa:  You want to end up sled dog chow?

Rudolph:  What do you think would happen if the world found out we’re only delivering seven gifts tonight?

Santa:  So? Everyone knows it’s hype when our PR people say I’m going to visit everyone, I’d have to have a fleet of 747s —

Rudolph:  While little kids are being tucked in, and visions of sugar plums are dancing through their heads, you’ve conned their parents into doing your work.

Santa:  Shut your oat hole.

Rudolph:  What do you think would happen to your nonprofit status if the IRS found out that these presents in the sled are all for your grandchildren?

Santa:  My grandchildren are great kids.

Rudolph:  Spoiled rotten. Why? All that money you funnel to them from your North Pole cash cow.

Santa:  Find yourself another job, jerk-off!

Rudolph:  You holiday marshmallow. By close of business, December 26, Coca-Cola will know all about you.

Santa:  Coke and I have been partners long before you came on the scene.

Rudolph:  And when they find out that you winter in Florida with a couple of bimbos who are real naughty and nice?

Santa:  Never happen. Security! Get here! Now!

Rudolph:  The elves, who, by the way, have a tougher work schedule than Cathy Lee Gifford’s employees, snapped cell phone photos of you and your Florida helpers. I mean, sure, it’s cute when a couple of mature girls sit on your lap. But naked?

CNN News:  The Coca-Cola company announced that Mrs. S. Claus will become CEO of Santa International Enterprise. R. Deer will take over as CFO. A company spokesman said that Mr. Claus will focus on strategic planning at his new Florida office.


Type1 Type2 writer3 writer4 writer5

Click one of the above to see some of my work.

You can buy one of my novels here. If you

can't afford it, write me a funny

note and I'll send you a PDF

of the novel.

Rather than beg one million people to donate a dollar each, I'd like one billionaire (or two or even three) to simply give me a million buck$. You know who you are.