The Phone Worth Three Fingers
Apple’s new foldable phone has attracted worldwide attention, partly because it folds and partly because Apple has persuaded millions of people that folding a telephone is something civilization has been waiting for.
The phone opens into a larger screen, allowing owners to perform extraordinary technological feats such as checking the weather, reading an email and watching a cat fall off a refrigerator.
Admittedly, a conventional $200 smartphone can do most of these things. But a conventional phone cannot announce to everyone in the room that its owner is wealthy, adventurous and willing to spend two thousand dollars on a hinge.
To understand the future of luxury telephones, I interviewed Dr. George Simpleman, PhD, a celebrated trendsetter, futurist and personal adviser to people who have more money than judgment.
Dr. Simpleman has invented the world’s first triangular smartphone.
It costs $50,000.
JARON: Dr. Simpleman, why is your phone triangular?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: Because all other phones are rectangular. That makes them ordinary. The triangle has three sides, which is one more side than most wealthy people can count without calling their accountant.
JARON: What can your triangular phone do?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: Everything a normal phone can do, except fit in your pocket, lie flat on a table or make a telephone call without injuring your cheek.
JARON: And that costs $50,000?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: The phone itself costs $600. The remaining $49,400 covers the medical procedure.
JARON: What medical procedure?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: To operate the Simplephone properly, you need only your thumb and forefinger. Therefore, we surgically remove the middle finger, ring finger and little finger from each hand.
JARON: You remove six perfectly healthy fingers?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: “Remove” is such a negative word. We prefer “digitally streamline.”
JARON: Why is the surgery necessary?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: Exclusivity. Anyone can buy an expensive phone. Only a true trendsetter is willing to alter his anatomy to operate it.
Dr. Simpleman proudly held up both hands. Each had a thumb and forefinger. Between them, he clutched two triangular phones—one for each hand.
JARON: Why do you need two phones?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: I have four fingers remaining. It seemed wasteful not to use all of them.
JARON: What happens to the fingers you remove?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: They are quick-frozen and stored in Switzerland.
JARON: Why Switzerland?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: It sounds expensive.
JARON: Can customers get their fingers back?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: Certainly. If they become disappointed with the phone, we can reattach the fingers for an additional $75,000.
JARON: That is more than the original operation.
DR. SIMPLEMAN: Putting things back is always more expensive. Ask anyone who has divorced and remarried the same person.
JARON: What might make someone want their fingers returned?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: Some customers discover they miss playing the piano, opening doors, tying their shoes or arm-wrestling. One gentleman wanted to count beyond four.
JARON: Are there other drawbacks?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: Applause sounds rather disappointing. And gloves become emotionally complicated.
JARON: Can your phone take photographs?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: Of course. It has twenty-seven cameras, including one that photographs the owner photographing himself. Artificial intelligence then removes wrinkles, improves the scenery and replaces less prosperous friends with attractive celebrities.
JARON: How long does the battery last?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: Almost forty minutes.
JARON: Forty minutes?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: Nobody should be allowed to display that much wealth continuously. It could damage the economy.
JARON: Does it come with a warranty?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: The phone has a ninety-day warranty. The finger removal is permanent unless you purchased FingerCare Plus.
JARON: Who is buying it?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: Influencers, billionaires, minor royalty and people whose parents forgot to say no.
JARON: Do people buy the Simplephone because it is useful—or because they want to be noticed?
DR. SIMPLEMAN: All phones are useful. Luxury phones are visible. When you place an ordinary phone on a restaurant table, nobody notices. When you place a $50,000 triangle on the table with a two-fingered hand, the entire restaurant stops eating.
JARON: They probably think you have been in an industrial accident.
DR. SIMPLEMAN: Envy takes many forms.
Dr. Simpleman believes the rectangular smartphone will soon disappear. Next year, his company plans to introduce a circular phone operated entirely by the nose.
The phone will cost $100,000, including tasteful nostril reconstruction and six months of lessons.
Before leaving, I asked Dr. Simpleman whether he regretted sacrificing six fingers for two triangular telephones.
“Give me a break! There are tens of thousands of Body Modification Enthusiasts. You sound like you fell off a turnip truck.” He attempted to scratch his ear, dropped both phones and watched them shatter on the floor.
He then asked me to help him pick up what was left of a hundred grand statement.
