Reverend Jesse Jackson Clears the Air

Jaron: Reverend Jackson, what’s wrong with America? Reverend Jackson: It’s morally bankrupt. The greatest sin is Men of God who betray their families. These so-called Christian leaders shag anything that struts by their steeples. Jaron: Why do women allow it?

Jaron:  Reverend Jackson, what’s wrong with America?

Reverend Jackson:  It’s morally bankrupt. The greatest sin is Men of God who betray their families. These so-called Christian leaders shag anything that struts by their steeples.

Jaron:  Why do women allow it?

Reverend Jackson:  Some are innocent and attracted to power and sadly, tax-free money. Other steeple chasers wear perfume and dress in low-cut blouses that expose their altars.

Jaron:  I had no idea that it was that serious.

Reverend Jackson:  Oh yes, these women make provocative comments about the steeples that belong to Men of God. A Man of God needs to be strong. He should never consider introducing his steeple to a young woman and then ringing his church bells — boing, boing, boing.

Jaron:  Do you ever think of such things?

Reverend Jackson:  Bite your tongue. Women — even those with C and D altars — are gifts from our Father in Heaven. They look on me as a man of Great Spiritual Strength. A man who may be the next President of the United States of America, one who will hold the nation to a higher moral standard.

Jaron:  In other words you don’t sin?

Reverend Jackson:  Bite your tongue again. No man is without sin. But I keep my sins to an absolute minimum.

Jaron:  What sins have you committed?

Reverend Jackson:  Once I stuck my chewing gum to the underside of a restaurant counter. And, when I was a child I put a nickel in a newspaper box and took out two papers. One for our family and one for the widow who lived down the lane so she could see when church started.

Jaron:  When President Clinton was going through his problems with Monica, you went to the White House as his spiritual advisor.

Reverend Jackson:  Yes. God made it known to me that I could heal our nation.

Jaron:  Didn’t you take one of your assistants with you — Karin Stanford — who was carrying your love child? A lady who made hundreds of thousands of dollars working for your organization, the Rainbow Coalition?

Reverend Jackson:  Those are terrible lies, spread by the Anti-Christ. Or maybe George Bush.

Jaron:  Ms. Stanford doesn’t exist?

Reverend Jackson:  Certainly. She has a baby that looks like me. But that just proves how cunning Lucifer and the Republican Party can be.

Jaron:  So you didn’t introduce your steeple to her —

Reverend Jackson: Stop! I am a Man of God! I admit I stuck some chewing gum under a counter once. But I have never stuck anything into any steeple chaser. Our time is up.

Jaron:  Thank you for clearing the air about the vicious rumors surrounding your ministry. God bless you.

Reverend Jackson:  Thank you but you do not have the power to bless anyone. You are not an ordained minister of our Father in Heaven, as I am.

Jaron:  I’m sorry.

Reverend Jackson:  Both God and I forgive you. Go and sin no more (John 8:11).

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Jaron Summers wrote dozens of primetime television and radio programs, including those for HBO, CBS, ACCESS TV and CBC. He conceived the TV and Film Institute of Canada. Funded by the University of Alberta and ITV, Jaron ran the Institute for 12 years, donating his services for a decade.

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