Dear Jaron Summers,
After review by our legal department we have decided not to reinstate you as a contributor of Themestupid.
We suspected you were a racist. Now we have proof since you have been posting articles on our system using several aliases in which you use the word “Eskimo.” Eskimo is a pejorative expression for People of the Inuit. We draw your attention to Circular AK-231jan2294 from The Department on Indian Affairs from the Government of Canada. Paragraph three, line four states: “…Eskimo is a derogatory Cree word which means: (expletive deleted) raw meat eater.”
Your postings on Themestupid have been permanently deleted. As far as any money that you allege we owe you; we don’t. Please re-read the agreement you signed with Themestupid. We have the right to terminate our relationship with any writer at any time. When this happens any monies owed is forfeited per the agreement that you signed. Do not contact us anymore.
Alex P. Ringdock,
Themestupid Content Team
*****
Dear Mr. Ringdock,
That’s quite a letter, Ringo. I’ve never heard so much bullshit in my life. I am a Canadian citizen and I have friends who are Eskimos. They call themselves Eskimos. Surely to God if they call themselves Eskimos, I can. Look it up in the dictionary, you idiot. Eskimo is a perfectly good word. Nothing racist about it. Read my article.
And what’s wrong with cussing?
****
Ringdock or DingDong, or whatever!!!
You might think you can get away with NOT answering me. Well, NOT, jerk off. My second cousin is a private detective. Ringdock is a pretty unusual name and we are certain you live in Northern California. As I stated, you owe me $46 for 460 hits that your website visitors rang up when they read my column about Eskimos.
And what’s wrong with cussing? Answer the question or I shall take measures that will astonish you.
****
Mr. Summers,
Our legal department has your latest communication to me. A threat via e-mail is just as serious as one delivered by the postal authorities. Cease immediately or we shall turn this matter over to the police.
Only the intellectually challenged have to resort to vulgarity and cussing. There is no room for folks like you on Themestupid.
Mr. Ringdock
****
Dear Mr. Ringdock,
Well, well, well, Ringo. Now I have your address. It’s 4599 Beach Street. The neighbors across the street from you (the Gordons) report you have three or four dogs. Further they say these dogs are, wait for it: Huskies! Furthermore, in checking with the Animal Control Department in San Francisco I discovered that you have no licenses for your large and noisy dogs.
Cheers,
Jaron Summers
P.S. — the Pringles (two doors down, across the alley) told me your dogs howl day and night. They said they were going to call the police next time they were disturbed. I’m going to shut up your dogs if you don’t! You have waltzed with the wrong humorist. I am only twelve hours away by car.
****
Summers:
You might think you are funny or clever by contacting our neighbors. You are harassing my family. The state of California has specific laws designed to prosecute stalkers or anyone who utters a threat such as you have.
The dogs belong to my son who has a license for them. We are breaking no laws by having the dogs temporarily here. Should you enter this country you will be arrested. Our legal department has contacted the RCMP in Ottawa and you will be hearing from them. You are NO humorist. You’re sick and in need of extensive therapy.
Ringdock
****
Yo, Ringo,
I drove by your house last night. What were those fire trucks doing outside your place? Someone said your kennel caught fire and it looked to me like several of the poor Huskies had burned to death. So sorry. Isn’t that the expression you used when you deleted my columns from Themestupid?
Cheers,
jaron, humorist at large
****
You son of a bitch!
We have turned this matter over to the FBI. You’ll go to jail, you evil swine.
Ringdock.
****
Back at you Ringo,
I heard another one of your Huskies perished at the vets when someone turned off his life support. Once again, “so sorry” that your son’s lead dog was burned alive, squealing like a stuck pig, when someone fire bombed your illegal kennel. I wonder who could have done that?
In checking with various agencies, I see you are a full-blooded Eskimo and that your son who races Huskies is also an Eskimo. Apparently you changed your name five years ago when you moved from Alaska to California.
By the way, the use of swine, while colorful, is hardly the kind of phrase that the head of the Themestupid content team would use. Especially if he is an ESKIMO. That’s what you are, an ESKIMO!!! Go eat some (expletive deleted) raw meat. ESKIMO! ESKIMO! ESKIMO!
Cheers,
Jaron (intellectually challenged) Summers
****
News item: Jaron Summers, one of the most humorous and best-loved writers of the century was found frozen to death in a meat locker. He was buried under a ton of Eskimo Pies.
