String Theory

In 1859, British astronomer Richard Christopher Carrington looked through his telescope and saw something extraordinary happening on the Sun.

Shortly afterward, Earth got whacked.

The resulting geomagnetic storm, now known as the Carrington Event, caused havoc with the most sophisticated communications technology of the day.

The telegraph.

Operators received electrical shocks. Equipment malfunctioned. There were reports of telegraph paper catching fire. In some places, operators disconnected their batteries and discovered they could continue sending messages using electricity generated by the geomagnetic storm itself.

The aurora was reportedly so bright that people could read newspapers at night.

This was all very exciting in 1859.

Today it would be somewhat less charming.

A direct hit from an enormous solar eruption could disrupt satellites, GPS, radio communications and electrical grids.

And once electricity begins disappearing, so does much of everything else.

Cellular service.

Internet.

Banking.

Credit cards.

Gas pumps.

Refrigeration.

Traffic lights.

Water pumps.

Google Maps.

Within hours, millions of people would be standing on street corners holding dead phones and asking one another where they lived.

Fortunately, we are prepared.

Or at least the Carrington family is.

I recently learned that Richard Carrington’s great-great-great-grandson has been studying his ancestor’s private papers.  Meet Elon Carrington.

Buried among Richard’s astronomical observations, Elon discovered something that historians had somehow overlooked.

A solution.

Elastic string that glows in the dark.

Elon immediately understood its significance.

The world doesn’t need more satellites.

The world needs string.

He formed Carrington Resilience Technologies, raised $600 million from venture capitalists and began quietly stockpiling glowing elastic string in warehouses throughout North America.

He has also purchased several million empty soup cans.

Investors are tremendously excited.

GPS

Carrington’s first breakthrough replaces GPS.

You simply tie one end of Carrington GlowString™ to your front door and the other end to your belt.

Then start walking.

Go anywhere.

Shopping. Dinner. The dentist. Cleveland.

If you become lost, don’t panic.

Simply follow the string home.

No satellites.

No batteries.

No monthly subscription.

And, most importantly:

No recalculating.

The system has one known limitation.

If you fly to Europe, you need considerably more string.

Carrington is working on that.

Cell Phones

Cellular communications are equally simple.

Two soup cans.

One piece of Carrington GlowString™.

Give one can to your wife.

Keep the other.

Pull the string tight.

Speak.

There are no dropped calls, although reception deteriorates somewhat beyond Saskatchewan.

International calling requires the new waterproof Atlantic Cable String, expected next spring.

The company recommends tomato soup cans for domestic calls and Campbell’s Chunky for international.

Apparently the acoustics are better.

The Internet

This was initially thought to be more difficult.

It wasn’t.

Every house is connected by string.

If I want to send you a message, I write it on a piece of paper, fold it over the string and give it a shove.

Download speed depends largely upon gravity.

For particularly important documents, Elon recommends placing them inside a soup can and suspending the can from the string.

Technically, your information is now stored in the air.

Cloud computing.

Emergency Lighting

This is where glowing string becomes indispensable.

When the electrical grid fails at night, simply wrap several feet around your head.

You now have a personal spotlight.

Admittedly, you also look like an illuminated cabbage.

But everyone else is in the dark, so who’s going to notice?

Children can wear several colors.

For an additional $14.95, Carrington sells a flashing version for teenagers who wish to remain annoying after civilization collapses.

Artificial Intelligence

Naturally, investors demanded an AI component.

Elon solved this too.

You ask your soup can a question.

Then wait.

If somebody at the other end knows the answer, they tell you.

If nobody answers, you try again using slightly different words.

Elon calls this ChatCan™.

Independent testing suggests its accuracy is surprisingly competitive.

Dating

The company has even developed a dating application.

On the first date, each person receives one end of the string.

If neither person cuts it before dessert, the relationship continues.

There are no photographs from 2009.

No algorithms.

No swiping.

And you can tell immediately if the other person is seeing someone else because there are six strings attached to their belt.

The Coming Crisis

Elon Carrington believes another enormous solar storm is inevitable.

Scientists agree that severe solar storms will happen again. We simply don’t know when.

Governments are spending billions protecting satellites, electrical grids and communications systems.

Elon is spending considerably less.

Mostly at craft stores.

His warehouses are now filled from floor to ceiling with glowing elastic string.

Investors believe that when the Sun finally delivers another Carrington Event, shares in Carrington Resilience Technologies could increase ten thousand percent overnight.

There remains one troubling question.

At the company’s most recent shareholder meeting, a young analyst stood and asked:

“Mr. Carrington, what happens if the string breaks?”

The room became silent.

Elon Carrington smiled. He had been waiting for this question.

“That’s why,” he said, “we’ve just acquired Scotch tape.”

The stock doubled.