Angle Bendhard
Penthouse
2345 Twit Road
Los Angeles, CA 90077
Dear Ms. Bendhard,
Let us set the record straight.
I have never entered your condo illegally.
As you know, I maintain a number of listening devices, including a stethoscope, which I use to detect the presence of running water. Wayward water originates when roof drains fail or when pipes burst within walls. It does not announce itself politely.
I serve as the Roof Monitor (R.M.), a position requiring vigilance and initiative. Ordinarily, my responsibilities would be limited to the roof. However, since the Wall Monitor was arrested on what I believe to be exaggerated vice charges, I have assumed his duties as well.
Renegade water can compromise not only a unit but the structural integrity of the building itself. I have, at my own expense, acquired specialized equipment to locate and neutralize such threats.
You have asked whether I possess a camera capable of penetrating walls to observe occupants. You have offered no proof of this. I will therefore not dignify the accusation with a response.
Here are the facts of Friday.
You arrived home at approximately 3:22 a.m. I was on the roof at the time, monitoring conditions. Rain was not forecast. However, I did not attain my position by relying on probabilities delivered by television weather personalities whose professional priorities appear divided.
At approximately 3:55 a.m., while passing your unit, I detected the unmistakable sound of water in motion. I knocked. You did not respond. Given the circumstances, I concluded that you might be incapacitated or worse.
In the interest of protecting both you and the surrounding units from imminent damage, I notified the manager. At approximately 4:07 a.m., we entered your condo.
A large unclothed man emerged from your bed. Believing him to be a potential intruder and fearing escalation, I deployed my taser at 4:08 a.m.
The device is generally non-lethal, except under certain environmental conditions. I regret that the individual was incapacitated, though my actions were consistent with emergency response protocol. The presence of an unauthorized waterbed may have contributed to the outcome. I refer you to page 67, paragraph 3, Amendments to Condo Living.
I had no intention of disrupting your personal arrangements and trust that, in time, they may be restored.
While you are, by any reasonable standard, an attractive and expressive individual, such attributes do not confer exemption from established building regulations. In my professional judgment, your conduct represents a destabilizing influence within the residential ecosystem.
For the record, I am not susceptible to distraction. The roof itself presented similar challenges—unpredictable, resistant, at times almost willful—but through persistence, I brought it into compliance.
Upon further inspection, the “water” sound was traced to a high-speed personal device. In light of recent rolling blackouts, and pursuant to the board’s 3–5 vote to reduce non-essential electrical consumption, I had little alternative but to confiscate it.
Respectfully,
Jaron Summers
(Roof Monitor)