Two Readers Ask Jaron About Modern Romance
by Jaron Summers (c) 2025
Letter #1: From a Man on the Run
Dear Jaron,
I think I’m being followed. She keeps showing up wherever I go — the gym, the coffee shop, even my dentist’s office. My buddies say she’s trouble. My mother says she’s “devoted.” What do you think?
— Nervous in Nebraska
Dear Nervous,
Relax. You may be living the dream.
Government statistics claim only two-tenths of one percent of women are stalkers. That’s adorable. My own research — which includes decades of observation and a marriage to a woman who could qualify for the Stalker Hall of Fame — suggests the number is closer to every last one of them.
It’s in their DNA. Somewhere between the compassion gene and the one that allows them to recall what you said in 1993.
Cavewomen once followed their favorite cave-men to make sure they weren’t dragging home the wrong mammoth. Modern women do the same thing — they just use better technology and tasteful yoga wear.
When a woman likes a man, she doesn’t flirt; she reconnoiters. She appears “by coincidence” at his café, volunteers at his animal shelter, and somehow joins his book club. It’s not stalking, it’s due diligence.
As someone who’s been best man at a dozen weddings and married for over four decades to my own stealth stalker, I speak from experience. My wife is so discreet that none of her friends suspect a thing. They think she’s serene; I know she’s the human equivalent of a tracking chip.
The Speed-Bump Proposal
When we first dated, I decided she was too persistent. I packed my computer and prepared to leave. As I backed my Volvo 1800 down the drive, there she was — lying across the pavement like a human speed bump.
I had two options: hit the gas or give her another chance.
I chose the latter and have never regretted it. Instead of a diamond, I gave her a gold pendant engraved with:
“Speed Bump — Learn from My Mistakes.”
She still wears it. Her friends think it’s romantic; I know it’s a traffic warning.
So, Nervous, take heart. When a woman likes you enough to memorize your parking schedule, you’re not in danger — you’re in demand.
Letter #2: From a Woman on the Hunt
Dear Jaron,
You’ve said every man eventually gets a stalker. I’d like to be one — in a nice way. I’m single, sincere, and looking for my Mr. Right. Where can I find one worth following?
— Hopeful in Houston
Dear Hopeful,
Excellent question. Finding a man who’s stalk-worthy takes commitment. You can’t just loiter in produce aisles anymore; everyone orders groceries online.
For years I’ve advised women to skip dating apps and attend funerals. It’s the perfect environment: men are vulnerable, well-dressed, and temporarily aware that life is short.
Step 1: Read the Obits
Scan for phrases like “beloved outdoorsman,” “avid cook,” or “devoted husband.” These aren’t candidates — they’re clues to the kind of social circle that attracts decent men. Circle the funerals with buffet receptions. Love, like chicken salad, thrives when served cold.
Step 2: Dress Appropriately
Black is slimming, mysterious, and pairs well with veiled curiosity. Modesty says “respectful,” mystery says “intriguing.” Blend the two. Think Audrey Hepburn attending a wake.
Step 3: Display Controlled Emotion
A tasteful sniffle will do. A well-timed dab at the eyes signals compassion. Full-body wailing and casket-surfing, while theatrical, may reduce your chances of a second date.
Step 4: Let Nature Take Its Course
Before the last hymn, you’ll be comforted by sympathetic, single men handing out tissues and business cards. That’s evolution in action. The circle of life — and flirting — continues.
For Both Sexes: The Real Math of Modern Love
Government data insists 80% of stalkers are men. In truth, women are simply better at it — subtler, quieter, harder to detect. They don’t get caught because they’re organized.
When a man drives past a woman’s house twelve times, he’s a stalker. When a woman does it, she’s “making sure he got home safely.” That’s not bias — that’s branding.
The good news is that a touch of romantic persistence, applied ethically, keeps love alive. Every lasting marriage begins with someone who refuses to take “I’m busy” for an answer. The trick is to pursue without prosecutable behavior.
So, Hopeful and Nervous:
Relax. The world isn’t divided into lovers and stalkers — only into amateurs and professionals.
Cupid has retired his bow. He’s got GPS, binoculars, and a funeral schedule.
Just remember: true love may be blind, but it still knows your license plate.
