The aliens watched sadly as the third planet burst into flame and became a tiny second sun.

Humanity was gone.

What had gone wrong?

Toward the end of their reign on Earth, humans spent centuries arguing about evolution versus Intelligent Design.

The aliens found this hilarious.

They had invented both.

Evolution was simply a long-term improvement program designed to slowly upgrade monkeys into creatures capable of inventing jazz, sarcasm, pizza delivery, and leaf blowers.

The aliens had engineered an elegant planetary system.

Sunlight became forests.

Forests became dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs became oil.

Humans were supposed to pump the oil safely out of the ground before the planet turned into a giant flammable meatball.

It was all clearly explained in the instruction manual.

Unfortunately, the humans never found the manual because they were busy inventing comment sections.

Instead, they concluded the Earth was “running out” of oil.

Politicians panicked.

Environmentalists panicked.

Oil companies panicked.

Everyone began screaming at one another on television for seventy consecutive years.

Meanwhile the planet continued manufacturing crude underneath them by the trillion barrels.

Soon Earth resembled a gigantic black cheese ball rolling through space.

The aliens became concerned.

One of them reportedly said:

“We specifically told them not to smoke near the planet.”

But by then it was too late.

The oceans ignited first.

Then the continents.

Then the atmosphere itself.

The last known human allegedly died trying to light a cigar.

The aliens drifted silently away from the burning world.

“Very disappointing,” one of them said.

“Still,” said another, “they did invent pizza.”

Ain’t that a kick in the head?