🕰️ Time Is a Flat Prune:
The Chronological Smackdown
By jaron summers (c) 2025 … who once outran a sundial barefoot wearing orthopedic Crocs.
How to Hack Time (With Science, Energy Drinks, and a Chatbot Named Steve)
“So wait,” said Tucker, age 17, slurping a quadruple energy drink through a bamboo straw, “you actually want time to go slower?”
“Exactly,” I said, doing a dramatic hamstring stretch while microwaving a sock. “I’m creating something called temporal drag. That means making time feel like it’s crawling. Like, on-purpose. Scientists Zakay and Block (1996) figured out that when you pay close attention to time, it actually feels slower. Science, my jittery little hummingbird.”
“You’re quoting studies now? You haven’t worn matching socks since the first Bush was president.”
“Matching is for people who still believe time moves in a straight line. Ever heard of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi?”
🧠 He’s the guy who discovered the flow state—when you’re really into something and time flies.
📚 Csikszentmihalyi’s Flow Theory
“I avoid flow,” I explained. “I want breakfast to feel like a six-part Netflix series. Slow, dramatic, possibly narrated by Morgan Freeman.”
Tucker nodded. “That’s why I multitask. Bailey and Konstan (2006) proved that interruptions make time feel longer. So I livestream, text, juggle, and file my taxes during Algebra II. I’m basically a time wizard.”
📚 Bailey & Konstan, 2006
“Filing taxes during homeroom is a cry for help,” I said.
“You named your toaster,” he shot back.
“His name is Leonard. He speaks three languages and fears thunderstorms.”
Tucker rolled his eyes. “I’m building memory density. When something feels new or weird, time slows down—like the Eagleman and Pariyadath ‘Oddball Effect’ showed. That’s why I change my ringtone every hour and make my Roomba wear different hats.”
📚 Eagleman & Pariyadath, 2009
“Back in my day, we stretched time by staring at wallpaper until it blinked. One time I fought a raccoon for a banana. Time froze.”
“Dude. I made a chatbot that sends me riddles based on my mood swings. Every 11 minutes. My Tuesday felt like a month.”
“I once spent four hours untangling dental floss while watching C-SPAN subtitles. I now see sound.”
Above us, the sundial I nailed to the ceiling started spinning backward.
“I think we broke time,” Tucker whispered.
“No,” I said, nodding like someone who once Googled ‘quantum nachos.’
“We finally hacked it.”
Somewhere, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi high-fived a squirrel.
