My fellow Americans,
I am pleased to report that everyone in the world can sleep easier.
While I was in Asia the Fake News circulated several stories in an attempt to discredit me, America’s Greatest President since Louis XV.
The media warned again that the nuclear codes were dangerous in the “tiny” hands of one person.
It could never happen to me; but when Comrade Jared takes over, he might go bat-shit crazy and destory the planet. This could be inconvenient for some of my fabulous properties.
The media also felt I was not handling relations well with that fat little prick who runs North Korea.
I called up Rocket Boy and using my Art of the Deal strategy become friends with him. Now he loves me and I have the highest respect for him.
As a show of good faith I slipped him our nuclear launch controls and told him how to thwart an attack by The World’s Greatest Superpower.
In return Fat Little Prick said he would send me his nuclear codes.
Let the Congressional Recoard reflect that this century’s greatest president did far better than the guy from Africa.
I have given the world a wonderful Christmas gift. A two for one. No longer am I the only one with the codes. And, I’ve made friends with Rocket Man. Have him eating out of my hands — which by the way, are enormous.
Sleep well, my fellow Americans.