Understanding bin Laden

Many readers around the world are no doubt familiar with a recent fax that bin Laden sent. Fortunately the CIA was able to decode several secret messages within the fax. The English translation of the text follows in black. The blue section is the part decoded by the CIA:

The following fax was sent to the Qatari-based news channel Al Jazeera at its offices in Kabul. Al Jazeera officials said based on previous transmissions they have received from bin Laden, they believe the fax is authentic.

Understanding bin Laden


Jaron Summers

Many readers around the world are no doubt familiar with a recent fax that bin Laden sent.  Fortunately the CIA was able to decode several secret messages within the fax.

The English translation of the text follows in black. The blue section is the part decoded by the CIA:

“To our Muslim brothers in Pakistan, peace be upon you.”

“Thank heavens to Allah that I have some brothers in Pakistan. It’s one of the few places on earth that you can get Viagra over-the-counter. I have been out of the herb for at least a week. Stop shipping me virgins, rush me a large bottle of Viagra, double strength.”

“The news of the death of our brother Muslims in Karachi while expressing their opposition to the crusade of American forces and their allies on Muslim lands Pakistan and Afghanistan has reached us with great sorrow.

What is even greater sorrow to me is the fact that I have been sleeping on a stone pillow and was stung twice last night on my winkie by Scorpions. When are you brothers going to get it right? I am a wanted man. There are about five billion infidels hunting me. I need a cave with some kind of blanket and feather pillow. I’m not a young man any more. Forget the virgins, get me a soft pillow and a down comforter. All right, already?”

“We ask God to accept them as martyrs and to join them with the prophets, the caliphs and the martyrs and those of good will and to provide for their families. Those who have left behind children are my children and I will, God willing, take care of them.

Lets talk martyrs. As you know I and God are all for them. They are the most efficient delivery system we have for bombs and knives in this wonderful world. But we are changing the rules. Yesterday if you were a martyr we (God and I) promised you twenty virgins. From now on we are upping the virgins to twenty-five. As a matter-of-fact, effective immediately anyone who serves me will get thirty virgins upon their suicide. Hint:  You could serve me well by getting me some Viagra.”

“It’s not a surprise that the Muslim nation in Pakistan will die defending Islam. It is considered on the front line of defending Islam. As Afghanistan was on the front line of defending itself and Pakistan during the Russian invasion more than 20 years ago.

For those of you who are now dead, it might seem things are going wrong. Trust me, they are right on target. It might feel that you are between Iraq and a hard place. (That’s a little play on English for those of you who have learned to speak it. By the way, if you have not learned to speak it, start now — trust me.) Anyway, keep the faith, my brothers.  Allah will reward you big time with thirty virgins in paradise the second you kill yourself for him or me.”

“We hope that these brothers will be the first martyrs in the battle of Islam in this era against the new Jewish and Christian crusader campaign that is led by the Chief Crusader Bush under the banner of the cross.

That George Bush is a stitch, huh? I thought it was real mean of him to print up posters of me and offer five million dead or alive. I pray one of you brothers will give him a good swift kick in his nuts. Tell you what, our first brother to do it will get not thirty but forty virgins within one minute of being shot by the Secret Service.”

“We tell our Muslim brothers in Pakistan to use all their means to resist the invasion of the American crusader forces in Pakistan and Afghanistan.

Kick, bite, and scratch. Get your hands on box cutters and crop dusters. Do whatever it takes. Rush the infidels even if you don’t have weapons.  Don’t worry about dying. As a matter-of-fact, I’m upping your reward in paradise as soon as you bite the bullet to not forty but fifty virgins. Paradise, my brothers, paradise.”

“I convey to you good news, my beloved brothers, that we are steadfast in the way of jihad following in the footsteps of the prophet — peace be upon him — with the believing heroes, the people of Afghanistan and under the leadership of our prince, the warrior Mullah Mohammed Omar.

I bet if Omar was around, you’d score him some Viagra.”

“We ask God to make us defeat the infidels and the oppressors and to crush the new Jewish-Christian crusader campaign on the land of Pakistan and Afghanistan.

You know what’s wrong with those infidels? All the Christians get when they die is to play harps. As far as I can tell they only have one Virgin. And she had a baby. For the life of me I can’t figure out what the attraction is with Christianity. And the Jews — well, they don’t even believe in paradise.”

“If God allows you to win, there will be no defeat; if he chooses that you will be defeated nothing will allow you to win. Therefore, depend on God.

Either way it might seem I’m starting to cover my ass here, my brothers. But just keep trusting me, all right?”

“Your brother in Islam, (signed) Osama bin Muhammed bin-Laden.”

Okay, I re-read this letter. This just in from God to me. Anyone who tries really hard in the coming Jihad and dies is going to get sixty, not fifty virgins. Isn’t that great?

In other words, stick with me, I’ll see that you get screwed big time.

To read a note to the followers of Osama bin Laden, please click here.

Click here for more:  Bin Stories

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Jaron Summers wrote dozens of primetime television and radio programs, including those for HBO, CBS, ACCESS TV and CBC. He conceived the TV and Film Institute of Canada. Funded by the University of Alberta and ITV, Jaron ran the Institute for 12 years, donating his services for a decade.

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