Article 1794 Activated
written by
jaron summers (c) 2024
Greetings and Salutations,
In the illustrious spirit of Marie Antoinette, who famously lost her head on October 16, 1793, not for her bakery preferences but for slightly more grave reasons, we bring to your attention the reactivation of the storied Article 1794.
This directive, much like its namesake, aims to address a matter of utmost urgency and delicate nature: the mysterious case of the vanishing victuals.
It has come to our attention that our hallowed halls have been plagued by culinary capers most foul.
Despite the fortifications of three refrigerators, each secured by locks that would daunt any less determined individual, it appears we have underestimated the creativity and resourcefulness of the culprits.
The audacious use of a 90-pound Fire Plug to liberate the contents of Fridge No. 2 has left us both baffled and impressed.
Reports have surfaced of a humble bowl of cornflakes, left to marinate in the essence of time (and stale milk), falling victim to these gastronomic heists.
Accusations fly towards our hardworking tradespeople, who, despite their rumbling bellies, plead innocence.
In light of these developments, and the unfortunate demise of our security measures—including, but not limited to, our once vigilant Rottweiler duo—we find it necessary to elevate our defensive strategies to new heights.
Henceforth, all refrigerators shall be subjected to the unyielding scrutiny of precision scales, capable of detecting discrepancies as minor as 17 grams.
Each dawn, at the ungodly hour of 5 AM, a roll call shall be conducted to account for every ounce of sustenance within your chilled sanctuaries.
We further decree that a ledger be kept, detailing the comings and goings of every morsel, annotated with the time and date of its departure.
To ensure the sanctity of our provisions, we shall convene via telecommunication bi-nightly at the witching hour, to pore over the records of our communal larders.
Your adherence to these measures is not only appreciated but required. A document, awaiting your sacred signature (and a notary’s seal, for good measure), shall be circulated forthwith.
We extend our deepest gratitude for your cooperation in these trying times. May our abode remain a bastion of harmony, and our pantries forever full.
With warm regards and anticipatory appetites,
jaron and Kate
