Jesus Has a Membership Problem

I recently came across a line attributed to Mark Twain:  If Christ were born today, he would not be a Christian.

I don’t know whether Twain actually said it. The Internet has provided Twain with almost as many quotations as Jesus.

But the thought delighted me.

Suppose Jesus returned today and decided to join one of our respectable modern Christian organizations.

I suspect there could be problems.

Here are ten.

1. He gives away too much food.

Jesus once fed thousands of people without asking for identification, proof of income, citizenship, insurance information or a credit card.

Worse, he didn’t even charge for parking.

This is clearly not sustainable.

2. He has disturbing ideas about rich people.

At one point Jesus suggested that a wealthy man give away his possessions.

This would probably eliminate him immediately from consideration as keynote speaker at the Prosperity Gospel Investment Conference.

3. His immigration history is complicated.

Shortly after his birth, his family fled to Egypt.

Refugees.

No hotel reservations. No visible means of support. And depending upon which border official was working that afternoon, possibly some paperwork issues.

Today the Holy Family might spend Christmas in Secondary Inspection.

4. He hangs around with the wrong people.

Prostitutes. Tax collectors. Beggars. Lepers. Criminals. Foreigners.

Eventually someone on the church membership committee would take Jesus aside and ask:

“Do you know any nice people?”

5. He is hopeless at fundraising.

Whenever money comes up, Jesus either gives it away, tells someone else to give theirs away, or warns everyone that having too much of it can be spiritually hazardous.

This is not how you pay for a $14-million worship center.

6. He refuses to hate the right people.

“Love your enemies.”

Wonderful.

Unfortunately, Jesus appears to have meant your actual enemies.

This creates enormous difficulties.

Most of us are perfectly willing to love enemies who live in another century.

7. He has no respect for important people.

Jesus seems strangely unimpressed by titles, wealth, social position and political power.

He keeps paying attention to children, widows, the sick and people sitting near the back.

No wonder he never got invited to Davos.

8. He is soft on crime.

A woman is caught committing adultery.

A crowd is prepared to stone her.

Jesus essentially says that whoever is without sin should throw the first rock.

Everybody leaves.

Today someone would immediately go on television and accuse him of being anti-law-enforcement.

9. His business model is insane.

He recommends forgiving debts.

Helping strangers.

Giving without expecting repayment.

Sharing what you have.

And occasionally working for nothing.

If Jesus ever applied for a bank loan, the loan officer would press a small button under the desk.

10. He keeps quoting Jesus.

This may finally sink his application.

Someone would eventually take him aside and patiently explain:

“Jesus, we’ve studied this very carefully. That’s not what Jesus meant.”

And Jesus would say:

“But I said it.”

There would be an uncomfortable silence.

The committee would adjourn.

His application would be placed under review.

And sometime around Easter, Jesus Christ would receive a polite letter informing him that, while everyone greatly admired his enthusiasm, he was simply not a good fit for Christianity at this time.