Blessed Are the Children

Dear Mr. Yasser Arafat, As the leader of the Holy Roman Empire, I and the rest of the civilized world, are appalled by your encouraging suicide bombers, little more than children, to enter various pizza restaurants in the state of Israel, blow themselves up and kill innocent citizens. Isn't there something we can do to..

Dear Mr. Yasser Arafat,

As the leader of the Holy Roman Empire, I and the rest of the civilized world, are appalled by your encouraging suicide bombers, little more than children, to enter various pizza restaurants in the state of Israel, blow themselves up and kill innocent citizens. Isn’t there something we can do to stop this violence? After all it is Easter and Passover. And you people just celebrated your New Year.

Sincerely,

Pope John Paul II

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Dear Pope John Paul II,

I do not encourage anyone to blow themselves up. I am open to any solution that might deal with Israeli’s illegal occupation of our homeland. The United Nations says they will help us but so far, no one has appeared. I cannot control the Palestinian children. Doesn’t the Vatican have its own army? Perhaps they could help. Happy Easter.

Yasser Arafat

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My Dear Mr. Arafat,

The army that we have here at the Vatican is mostly for show. They do not even carry guns. But since you have so many children who are wasting themselves with explosives in your homeland, I, this day, dispatched a group of priests to talk to your young would-be bombers and help them understand the divine principles of God, the Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost.

Pope John Paul II

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Dear Pope John Paul II,

Your delegation of priests — all wearing black robes — arrived a few hours ago. When we did a security check on them, we discovered that most of them have been either charged with pedophilia or convicted of child molestation in their respective countries. Although they seem anxious to meet with our young suicide bombers, I don’t know if it will be healthy for the children themselves to have sexual predators intercede in their lives.

Yasser Arafat

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Dear Mr. Arafat,

Now, look, let’s not quibble over what has been misinterpreted as simple brotherly love by enemies of our religion. The priests I have sent to you people are of the highest moral character and want only to meet with your children to teach them sound moral principles. As my Ambassadors of God spend time with your youngsters, I promise you will see a change in your kids, especially the boys.

Pope John Paul II

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Dear Pope John Paul II,

I reviewed your last letter and have considerable information on your priests. Apparently, at least six of them were attacked by their own parishioners after they were found to have fondled and seduced small boys while they were teaching them Sunday School lessons. We were about to expel them from our midst when they escaped. Thank you for your attempt to solve our problems but we are going to have to pass on your offer of intervention.

Yasser Arafat

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Dear President Sharon,

I understand that you have detained and arrested a group of my priests who are visiting your county. These priests are serving God on a mission of mercy. They are in the Holy Land to help bring peace to the Jewish and Palestinian people.

Pope John Paul II

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Dear Mr. Arafat,

I appreciate your efforts to bring peace to the Holy Land, however, we found six of your priests at a bar mitzvah talking to some of our children. Your priests were naked and they were trying to undress our kids. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. We gave your boys a good shaking and they are in jail now waiting deportation.

Ariel Sharon

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Sharon —

First you off Jesus Christ, now you spread lies and vicious false accusations about members of our clergy. Worse, you physically attack our people. Okay, the gloves are off. As far as I’m concerned, the Palestinians are giving you what you deserve. Don’t ask for our help in the future.

Pope

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Jaron Summers wrote dozens of primetime television and radio programs, including those for HBO, CBS, ACCESS TV and CBC. He conceived the TV and Film Institute of Canada. Funded by the University of Alberta and ITV, Jaron ran the Institute for 12 years, donating his services for a decade.

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