My wife, Kate, never gets angry with me.
And I never get angry or even impatient with her.
You see, whenever we speak, we always refer to somebody else.
Let me give you an example.
When I came home the other day, Kate was finishing the laundry. Her ears were red and her lovely eyes were a couple of lasers out of a James Bond movie that were about to zap Mt. Rushmore.
“Well,” I said, “it looks like somebody is ready to start World War Three.”
“Somebody didn’t have the consideration to put his dirty socks in the laundry hamper,” said Kate.
“It’s probably the same somebody who lives like a bandit in our home.”
“Meaning?” she asked.
“Meaning there is no need for a certain somebody to leave her boxes all over the place.”
“Somebody,” she said, “stole all of the storage space by filling it up with his junk. Now stop bugging me. I’ve had a long day.”
“I spent an hour on the phone talking to somebody about a survey for a box of chocolates.”
“What kind of survey?” I asked.
“Oh, somebody called up and asked me if I would answer some questions about our television watching habits.”
“What questions?” I wanted to know.
“This guy asked me how many TV sets we had and I told him: two — one in the kitchen and one in the bedroom. He asked me if we watched TV together in bed and I said ‘sure.’”
“And what did he say?”
“He asked what time of the day and I told him usually between 10 pm and midnight. Then he asked me if we went to sleep watching TV and I said sometimes.”
“That seems harmless enough,” I said. “How are you going to get the chocolates?”
“He said his company would mail them to us. He kinda coaxed our address out of me.”
“You gave a stranger our home address?” I asked.
“Yes, he already had our phone number.”
“Kate,” I said. “I’ve warned you about the nuts out there. What else did he ask you?”
“He wanted to know if we made love while we were watching TV.”
“Somebody calls you up and somebody gives him our address and then these somebodies discuss our sex life?”
“I told you, it was part of a survey.”
I slapped my head. “How many times do I have to tell you that you should never talk to anybody who calls and asks personal questions? What exactly did you tell him?”
“How often we do it, how long it takes. What we talk about when we do it. The dirty words you like me to say.”
“Kate, do you have any idea who this pervert was?”
“Somebody I might know. He even tried to disguise his voice. Now give me my damn chocolates.”
I gave Kate her favorite See’s chocolates that I had just bought. It’s amazing what somebody will do to get a bon-bon.