Go Green

Fred Fünkendiddle was into green.


“The most important thing we can do for the planet is conserve Mother Nature’s resources,” Fred Fünkendiddle said to his wife.

“But Darling, I recycle everything. I am a strict vegetarian and I read only in sunlight to conserve power.”

“If you truly cared about the planet, you would not want a car for your birthday,” he said.

“I have been riding a bike for the thirty years we have been married. Now I have advanced rheumatism and arthritis. We have money, please let me have a car.”

“Maybe,” said Fred Fünkendiddle.

“The Prius is one of the most energy efficient automobiles built by mankind. And they look so cute.”

“You can have a car but no Prius,” said Fred Fünkendiddle.

“What kind of car?” asked his wife.

“A ten year old Caddy with power seats and windows.”

“That’s crazy, Fred Fünkendiddle. The Caddy will only get ten miles to the gallon but the Prius will do better than 40. In addition the Caddy burns oil.”

“You silly goose,” said Fred Fünkendiddle. He pulled out a calculator. “Don’t you understand what the hidden cost of a new car is? Over 65,000 mega-joules.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that it takes almost two tons of crude oil to make a new car. Plus thousands of gallons of water and then you have to build an assembly plant. Manufacturing a car squanders precious resources. Best to drive an old one.”

So Fred Fünkendiddle gave his wife his old Caddy and bought a new one for himself.

With the money he saved on his wife’s car, he was able to donate a thousand dollars to PETA.

PETA used the money to murder hundreds of animals that could have ended up in medical experiments.

One of the animals that was euthanized was a pig. (It was going to be used to supply heart valves for coronary patients.)

Fred Fünkendiddle suffered a fatal heart attack (after reading this).

Alas, the pig that would have furnished him with a new valve was dead.

Today Fred’s wife drives a new 12-cylinder Mercedes.

(She dates Prof. Erv, another avid protector of the environment.)

The following sounds too good to be true.

I have not tried adding anything to my gas but


To save lots of energy, skip a bath!


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