Passport Files

More Passport Stories:


passportfiles-1  Simplified passport Rules.


cairo1 Our man in Cairo


passportfiles-2 Who am I now?


endgame-1 End Game



Above are four stories dealing with a six month period starting in late 2007 when I attempted to renew my Canadian passport.

Passport Canada is part of the Canadian Foreign Service. This is composed of 5,000 people. God knows what they do. Try to figure it out from their own web site.

They spend about a billion dollars a year on almost 200 missions.

They are considered the clowns within the international community.

They have rules that make no sense and worse many are arrogant and filled with a huge measure of their own self worth.

During my attempt to renew my passport the Minister of Foreign Affairs had to resign. He left his heart in his girlfriend’s apartment. He also left classified documents in that same apartment. She spilled the beans and Maxime Bernier resigned.

His girlfriend was tied in with the Hells Angels.

The opposition had a field day.

After almost half a year, Passport Canada sent me a new passport. They also sent my driver’s license and birth certificate to a stranger I called X.

I found out a lot about X since Passport Canada sent me his most personal papers.

In an era when identity theft is a billion dollar industry, Passport Canada should have been careful.

Do I despise Passport Canada?

No. I love them. But then I write comedy. Besides, there were some truly dedicated and intelligent people working for Passport Canada.

Well, there was one.


The stories are only slightly farfetched. They are each based on events that happened to me. I have the emails and the documents.

Sure, I exaggerated to show a bit of humor.

The truth is Canada has the most cockamamie Foreign Service Department in the world.

Thank God we do.

We may be the laughing stock of the world but we simply don’t have the ability or focus to do much that would lead to a war. Besides, I don’t think we even have a war department. Maybe a defense department. But I think we have more subs in West Edmonton Mall than on the high seas.

Pity any foreign power that attacks one of our Foot Lockers or Calvin Kleins.

I say give everyone in the Foreign Office a raise.

Jaron Summers / Los Angeles 2008