Dear Uncle Jaron,
I have been invited to visit some wealthy friends. I really like them and when I am around them, they buy me gifts. How do I act in their home so they’ll ask me back? Any suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated. Their servants kind of intimidate me.
Your loving nephew,
Mandrake
Dear Mandrake,
Delighted to hear from you.
There’s a secret you must master if you wish to be asked back.
First, however, you must understand servants.
Servants are allowed to sleep in your host’s cellar on perfectly good but often damp mattresses. They eat hunks of fine food called table scraps.
Rich people have many servants. No one in our family ever had servants because we ate all the table scraps ourselves.
Upon entering an estate or villa, you must determine whether you have “the use of the servants.” Casually mention to your host: “I see you have several butlers. Do you have an extra one for me?”
If you’re not on a first-name basis with your host, be more formal. Take one of the servants aside and say: “Ask your master if I can have you.”
If you are unfamiliar with the household, you may confuse a servant with an heir. It’s embarrassing to ask a host’s great aunt to be your maid.
However, if you keep your wits about you, you can sort things out. For example, in the case of an older host, heirs can nearly always be identified by their eagerness to sympathize with their master’s repetitious complaints about his bowels.
This is not as easy as it looks.
Recently I visited Charles, a wealthy friend.
I was delighted when one of his servants picked me up in a plain sedan at the airport. Actually, it was a plain Rolls Royce sedan.
As I walked into Charles’ swank home, I was curious as to who the people were clustered around him as he discussed his latest constipation problems.
They might have all been relatives, however, each wore white gloves and stood stiffly at attention. That meant they were either relatives who had just got out of the Air Force Honor Guard or a group of servants Charles had threatened to fire.
In a case such as this, Mandrake, do nothing because your host will inevitably give you a clue.
Sure enough, Charles said, “Welcome. These are all my servants. I’m enjoying a $50 cigar and a $300 bottle of wine. Make yourself at home.”
You see, Mandrake, just by waiting, I was able to determine that there were no heirs present.
Charles used a gold cutter to trim the tip of his cigar, then slipped it between his lips.
Immediately a servant leapt through the air, produced a lit match, and held it to Charles’ cigar.
Charles puffed contentedly, then nodded approval to the man whose glove had caught fire.
The man leapt back, stood at attention and waited for further instructions.
The odor of burning flesh and rich tobacco filled the air.
As another servant poured the wine, Charles directed the smoldering man to take a city bus to a nearby burn ward “the instant that the night shift ended.”
“Very good, thank you, Sir,” said the servant, attempting to extinguish himself.
I had been eyeing that servant. He looked like he would have done a splendid job of polishing a dozen scuffed boots I had thrown in my luggage.
Charles spoke to me.
“Normally I would assign one of my servants to you but I only have six since this poor devil has set himself on fire — can you get by on your own?”
I was disappointed but said this would be fine.
See, my dear nephew? That’s the secret of being a welcome houseguest in a wealthy household.
Let your host suggest, then always agree.
In other words, act like a servant.
That’s why it’s so important to spend time around them and, if possible, have several assigned to you so you can study them closely.
Servants are perfect role models for you and if you work it right, you can get them to refurbish old boots for you.
Best of all, once you learn to act like a servant, you’ll be invited back again and again.
Of course, if you are a king or prince, you won’t have to act like a servant. You’ll have a castle or a private island of your own and you can invite so-called rich people to stay with you.
If they want to come back again, they’ll have to imitate your servants.
The chances of you or me discovering we are royalty is remote, Mandrake, so this is not something we have to concern ourselves with.
For now it’s best just to suck up to anyone who wears a gold Rolex.
Have many nice visits.
Always keep in mind, only the host is allowed to flambé members of his staff.
Your loving uncle,
Jaron
