Happy holidays from 1997. Time flies and and if you’re like many people, you might be flying this December.
As my Christmas gift to you, here are a few handy travel tips. They’re perfect for the holiday season or any other time.
Suppose you’re going to New York. Since there are no direct flights from Edmonton, you may find yourself with a layover of several hours in a place like the Salt Lake City airport.
What to do?
You could try to figure out how to get into one of the first-class VIP lounges.
But why not check your bags, then take a free bus to the Marriott Hotel in the city centre and spend a couple of hours there?
Most Marriott lobbies have soft sofas and half-a-dozen concessions — coffee houses to ice cream stands. There’s free reading material.
The Salt Lake Marriott is linked to a huge mall where you can get a delicious snack for a third the price it would cost you at the airport. You can walk to Temple Square and see how it’s been decorated for Christmas.
Please, no cracks about polygamy. You will be outnumbered by Mormons — and in large groups, they can turn nasty.
When you’re ready to return to the airport, take the free Marriott bus.
Don’t be cheap. Tip the driver.
You’ll have enjoyed a few fun hours, you’ll have seen parts of a city you hadn’t seen before, and you’ll have escaped the airport. Cost: minimal.
Remember, all cities with large airports have super-nice hotels close by. Most of the hotels have wonderful lobbies with fun shops. It’s nearly always a free ride in clean and comfortable hotel buses.
Speaking of free rides, ever been in the middle of a city and wished you had your car?
Just stop by any one of a dozen car dealerships and mention to eager salespeople that you’re thinking of moving to the city and you might like to buy a Mercedes.
The next thing you know, you’re on a quick tour of the city while a pleasant salesman tries to sell you a car and the city at the same time.
Sometimes you’ll be trusted with the car on your own.
Resist the urge to “borrow it” and drive yourself back to the airport, even if you’re running late. The local cops know the city better than you do, so they’ll usually catch you.
I’ve found it’s almost impossible to make bail in a strange town.
Now what about those first-class lounges back at the airport? How do you get in them?
Joining a VIP club could set you back several hundred dollars a year.
It’s much simpler to stand near the VIP door, wait for a card-carrying member to appear, and say, “Putting your pocket, ‘Gosh, I left my card at home, can I go in with you?’”
If you have a nice smile — and avoid picking your nose — the answer is nearly always “yes,” since the guy or the gal with the card can take two guests for free.
Once inside the VIP club you can relax in luxury and enjoy free soft drinks and coffee. The better clubs serve snacks around noon and dinner time. Nearly all offer free local telephone calls.
Idea: Call a Mercedes dealership and arrange for a test ride.
After your vacation, you’ll return to Edmonton.
Picture yourself cold and shivering, waiting for public transportation.
Wouldn’t you rather have a warm ride in a new limo?
Cheap.
Go to the upper arrivals level and wait until someone shows up in a limo. After the driver has unloaded the baggage and walked his fare into the airport, ask if he’s driving an empty limo back to the city.
He will say he is.
Ask him if he can take you back and offer him $10, one quarter of the taxi fare. Most of the time the driver’ll agree since, one, it’s more than his tip; two, he can’t solicit a fare; and three, it’s found money for him.
Be polite and smile.
All he can do is say “no,” besides, in another three minutes, there’ll usually be another limo.
There’s no law against asking for a ride. There is a law prohibiting drivers from offering rides. So ask.
If the driver absolutely refuses to drive you back, do not hurl stones at his vehicle.
There’s a law against that.
Speaking of free rides, do you realize that corporate jets leave the municipal airport daily to all sorts of destinations? You might be able to hitch a free ride to, say, New York, especially if you’re an attractive and well-groomed college student.
You may have to develop a relationship with some of the ground support staff, and you’ll have to be flexible, but you’d be amazed how many people fly for free to far away and often exotic places.
Never threaten to blow up their plane if wealthy people won’t let you ride with them.
When it comes to terrorist situations, the rich have zero humor or tolerance.
By the way, next time you board a commercial flight, take a small box of chocolates.
While the flight attendant delivers the safety announcement, stop what you’re doing and pay close attention.
When the flight attendant comes by later to take your order for a drink, give him or her the chocolates and say: “You did a great job of explaining those safety tips. It’s wonderful to be on a carrier where the flight attendants are professional. I’m going to write a terrific letter about you to your company.”
The flight attendants will remember you from the safety announcement because you were the only one paying attention — everyone else was talking or trying to see down their blouses.
You’ll get better treatment than if you paid for a first-class seat. Everything from free drinks to free headsets. Flight attendants have tremendous discretionary power when it comes to doling out freebies.
As a bonus, paying attention to the safety announcement could save your life.
If not, at least you’ll be the first person out of the plane before it fireballs.
Trust me. My wife’s a flight attendant.
Have a great holiday.
When Jaron is not freeloading in first-class lounges you can reach him at: jaronbs@gmail.com
