To the Toronto Police Department:
I am a Canadian citizen and have paid my full and fairly honest taxes for many years. Partial confession. I am not perfect. When I was ten I stole Lifesavers (peppermint) from our local grocer in Didsbury, Alberta, and although I was under a cloud of suspicion for over a year, I was never apprehended or charged.
However, since I am now 68, I think the statute of limitations has tolled. So I am home free. (Right?)
I have had only two traffic tickets in my entire life. None for jay walking. I have never killed anyone. I love and respect Canada. I understand something about crime and catching thieves. I wrote Hart to Hart, Miami Vice and a detective series called Diamonds that was filmed in Toronto.
I once wrote a novel called “The Soda Cracker” that was made into a horrible movie. It was based on a member of the RCMP. Later he became the chief constable for Vancouver.
Anyway, I would like to join up with your guys. I am not as tough as Officer Bubbles but I totally support his stand on crime.
It would be an honor to work with him and together we could make a difference. It is time we in law enforcement got tough on defiant chicks with dangerous bubble equipment!!! Also, I often wake up in the middle of the night thinking about what could be hidden in a Teddy Bear that many of these blonde chicks have in their houses.
Officer Bubbles and I would do a bang up job of fighting crime and/or evil. Promise.
And while I am no longer fast enough to catch perps, I think I could do a fine job of searching them once they were cuffed.
Please send me an application.
P.S. — can I please have a provisional badge now to practice?