To the Toronto Police Department:
I am a Canadian citizen and have paid my full and fairly honest taxes for many years. Partial confession. I am not perfect. When I was ten I stole Lifesavers (peppermint) from our local grocer in Didsbury, Alberta, and although I was under a cloud of suspicion for over a year, I was never apprehended or charged.
However, since I am now 68, I think the statute of limitations has tolled. So I am home free. (Right?)
I have had only two traffic tickets in my entire life. None for jay walking. I have never killed anyone. I love and respect Canada. I understand something about crime and catching thieves. I wrote Hart to Hart, Miami Vice and a detective series called Diamonds that was filmed in Toronto.
I once wrote a novel called “The Soda Cracker” that was made into a horrible movie. It was based on a member of the RCMP. Later he became the chief constable for Vancouver.
Anyway, I would like to join up with your guys. I am not as tough as Officer Bubbles but I totally support his stand on crime.
It would be an honor to work with him and together we could make a difference. It is time we in law enforcement got tough on defiant chicks with dangerous bubble equipment!!! Also, I often wake up in the middle of the night thinking about what could be hidden in a Teddy Bear that many of these blonde chicks have in their houses.
Officer Bubbles and I would do a bang up job of fighting crime and/or evil. Promise.
And while I am no longer fast enough to catch perps, I think I could do a fine job of searching them once they were cuffed.
Please send me an application.
P.S. — can I please have a provisional badge now to practice?
Click one of the above to see some of my work.
You can buy one of my novels here. If you
can't afford it, write me a funny
note and I'll send you a PDF
of the novel.
Rather than beg one million people to donate a dollar each, I'd like one billionaire (or two or even three) to simply give me a million buck$. You know who you are.