Saving The Human Race

With the new millennium roaring around us we must solve several serious problems or we’ll not make it as a species for another hundred years, let alone a thousand.

Here’s our five major problems: (1) thermonuclear war, (2) the environment, (3) balanced budget, (4) sexual predators in political offices and (5) obesity.

Thermonuclear war is the method of choice to kill all 7.2 billion people on earth when our leaders become annoyed with each other.

But it ain’t cheap.

Atomic bombs, even small ones, cost a million dollars each but the spending doesn’t stop there.  My no.  A delivery system involving intercontinental ballistic missiles has to be maintained.  Trillions of dollars.

That’s why many in strategic thinking favor viruses.  Even a cheap virus leaves property intact. Besides who  wants to take over a country that looks like it’s having a permanent X-ray?  (Which is what occurs in the aftermath of atomic weapons.)

In North America we have at least fifty biological research departments, each with enough viruses to kill a thousand times as many people as live on earth.  I say use the viruses.  You say okay, but how do get around the expensive delivery system: ICBMs?

Silly you, we don’t need missiles.  We’ll use civil servants. If we need to send a virus to any country, let’s make up a package, give it to a government employee or two and send them to the bad country on a (heh-heh) fact-finding mission.

Once our government employees get there, have them go to the top floor of their hotel and open up our little package.  Easier than blowing soap bubbles.  In three days everyone will be dead in that bad country.  Talk about a win-win situation.

Of course it might be difficult to smuggle the virus package into the bad country.  Not to worry.

Give our government employees a phony package that will be confiscated and secretly infect the employees with the virus.  All they have to do is get into the bad country and start breathing on people in public squares.  Nature will do the rest.

With military spending almost non-existent, we will (3) balance the budget and have plenty of cash left over to (2) tidy up the environment.

Our third problem is the sexual predator in public office.  Basically the more successful a man is; the more he fools around.  It’s in our DNA and women are drawn toward alpha males.

If we act boldly our sexual predator problem is easy to solve. All candidates for high offices (and low for that matter) always promise that they would do anything or give up anything to make our country better.

I say take them up on their offer.  Have them give up their testacles. That’s right, you heard it here first, knock off their nuts, castrate all political candidates.  A big plus with castrated leaders is that they would be more relaxed.  This would lead to less confrontation and fewer squabbles.  This lowers the chance of having to use a virus.

So three cheers for  eunuchs.

What about woman?  I think they could do a fine job of running any country without having to sacrifice any parts of their body.  Just put Margaret Thatcher wantabes on hormones to tone them down.

The final problem: (5) obesity.  Simply a matter of bold motivation.  We’ll pass a law legislating that in the event of a global confrontation the first people called upon to deliver deadly viruses would be the fattest.





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Jaron Summers wrote dozens of primetime television and radio programs, including those for HBO, CBS, ACCESS TV and CBC. He conceived the TV and Film Institute of Canada. Funded by the University of Alberta and ITV, Jaron ran the Institute for 12 years, donating his services for a decade.

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