Donald Trump tripped and smashed his head against one of his many gold toilets … he realized it was not his fault. Nothing is. It was the fault of the day: Friday the 13th. He immediately signed a presidential declaration removing all Fridays from the calendars for the the next four years. ‘ “This means,” […]
I wonder how Donald Trump would have handled a past crises? December 7, 1941 Mr. President, the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor! They’re attacking our navy. DT: Order the Secretary of the Navy to scuttle all our vessels world wide. They’ll be safe under water. April 15, 1912 Mr. President, The Titanic just hit a giant […]
January 1, 2021 Donald Trump (AKA: The Monkey Wrench President) will win 666 electoral votes of a possible 538 due to a bookkeeping error by a Moscow dude. As the virus surges to over 2,000 deaths per day in the USA, President Trump will sign his first executive order banning face masks. Trump Inc. will […]
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Still shaking in my boots. Yesterday I put on my old shoes to go for a walk. My left foot seemed to be asleep … I realized with horror that I could not lift it from the ground. Left side of the body often means a stroke. I prayed I could get to the phone […]
In the 1950s my mother and I traveled by bus and train to The States to stay with her parents each summer. A few months later my father would arrive in Lake Andes, South Dakota to drive us back to our home in Canada. We stopped for root beer floats and foot longs and saw […]
When we are in Hawaii (The Big Island) Kate likes to drive around it. I always give her instructions before she goes. There are two routes. Both are illustrated here.
OCTOBER 10, 2019DAY 994 OF THE TRUMP Deconstruction of USA 1. Ordered US troops stationed in all foreign bases to form a circle and shoot all imaginary rabbits within circles. 2. Ordered US troops stationed in all domestic bases to form a circle and shoot all imaginary rabbits within circles. 3. Claimed Iceland as US […]
There are a raft of shibboleths and acronyms you probably know if you’re contemplating writing something that starts with FADE IN: POV, MOS, CU, FADE OUT, INT … some of the many “inside words” that are helpful to know if you’re going to make your mark in Hollywood. Here’s a new one for you: MAYA. […]
I have never embezzled
I was horrified to hear that mother might be a hooker.
“illegal nocturnal emissions.”
So what if one of them almost became a football?
A madcap love story with giggles for taxpayers.
From 1984 to 1987, the police in Lower Saxony had a very special drug and explosive nose: a real wild boar with the name Luise. The 150-kilogram bache quickly became world famous. The clever wild boar lady even entered the Guinness Book of World Records. On 5 July 1984 Luise saw the light of […]
Did I like going to BYU. You bet. I never had more fun with my clothes off.
I discovered girls and the rabbit games moved into more risky territory.
LIFE SUCKS Two principals and single location. A trailer to trigger action from binge watching netflixers…. Need one older male, play late 70s …. Here’s the short story, a three minute read: http://jaronsummers.com/life-sucks/
Dogs and Cats can get along!
Is it possible that a two-year old, named Sarah, holds a key to saving our planet?
Thanks for trusting us! Hi, we are Hooper and Kate You can read and listen for FREE to the first chapter of The Whooping Moose. Please click here. The entire graphic novel with over 150 astonished images, special effects and music will be available for 24.99 next week. It comes with a 40 minute hilarious […]
Half the world population has access to a cell phone. That means you have over 3,000,000,000 customers RIGHT NOW. First you need a website: Then something to sell: Pitch: under 15 seconds: The vamp in vampire. Free download of the kindle version
You can roll it up or fold it like a piece of paper. What a brilliant idea.
“So limp over and sit in one, you asshole. You fucking near broke my toe.”
“And what happens if a herd of hypothetical rabbits shows up?”
“I want to repair a hole in my jeans.” I showed her my old jeans.
Eskimos, along with a few other stone age people, can teach us how to survive our technology. Check out the 1922 American silent documentary film Nanook of the North and you’ll see how the Eskimo or People of the Inuit, subdued the sub-zero temperatures of the Arctic and thrived. That film is almost a hundred years old. […]
President Trump says he does not do Fake News and I believe him. He is making American and the world a better place and enriching this country by reaching out to the major leaders of the world. Before Mr. Tump came to power the Russians wanted to kill us. Now Putin and Trump are good […]
The shooters need to know who the future traitors are of America. Smart ass lawyers.
Amazon sneaks into your car or truck and hides your order inside your vehicle.
They will strike first ….
Here’s a photo of a woman I met last week. A few months ago she was a beautiful and vibrant 23-year-old woman. She is still vibrant and beautiful. She has such a great smile that you almost don’t see how disfigured she is when you meet her. An angry lover poured acid in her face. […]
Here’s a photo of a woman I met. A few months ago she was a beautiful and vibrant 23 year old woman. She has such a great smile that you almost don’t see how disfigured she is when you meet her. A smile makes a difference. If this happened to me I don’t think I could […]
he likes to be entertained…
I gave the cocksucker (who I owe a producing credit to) twenty bucks to convince his boss, a boss with a tube shoved up his ass, that my novel would make a terrific film.
Fly to Wimbledon with the money you save. Link one of your smartphone to a wifi in England.
Want to have your kids learn how to deal with bullies? Have a look at our movie. Click here
Never underestimate the spunk of a mother-in-law who is almost 100.
Confusion over political correctness, vegans, vivisections, bullying and the madness of this millennium, it may be time to consider The Whooping Moose.
Fat Little Prick said he would send me his nuclear codes
How do “sinners” seeking spiritual guidance nail down the right religion? My conversion started with a bottle of whiskey, loneliness and miracle seagulls. We lived in Canada and each spring my mother and I took a three-day train journey to her hometown to visit her parents in South Dakota. In early fall my father would […]
For years Kate and I have spent some of our most fun times in Hawaii and New Zealand. I promised Kate that someday I would buy a small island just for her. Today I did. You can come and visit us. You may also want to sublease a part of our island. I bought it […]
THE STORY OF IKEA (I did not write this, someone sent it to me) Tighter than wallpaper… There isn’t any profit sharing here … He lives in a bungalow, flies EasyJet and ‘dries out’ three times a year… the man who founded Ikea and is worth more than $15bn . Self-made man: Ingvar Kamprad with […]
Bathtubs & Bastards Many years ago I dated a lovely single mother who had a five year old boy. Her son enjoyed baths and during these baths the lady would ask her son what he was doing. Often he’d call back and say, “It’s okay, I’m not drinking the bathtub water.” And […]
Umpires or referees or whatever they call themselves could restrict the number of balls used each day at Wimbledon to 18.
how can people be so cruel?
Caution — a condenser holds an electric charge. So you need to discharge it. Or you could get a shock.
… he could work a 30-hour day
I keep a journal since it’s fun to see what I did ten or twenty or thirty years ago. When I was a missionary I prayed each day. One day I realized that if there were a god or gods they would have stopped people from creating religions. Any religion. Nothing is as detrimental to […]
blending in with the curtains
Ten minutes, once gone, are gone for good.
Roger Moore and I were both Saints
How about—you write your script, press enter and with the help of AI and digital skulduggery—you create a masterpiece.
As my many followers (six) and fans (four) know Donald Trump often phones me for guidance. I decided to record our conversations to save NSA from doing it. In California it’s okay to record your side of a phone call. Following is my one-sided exchange with the president of these United States. I substituted “yadie” […]
No one could have anticipated that Clause 23 would be required
Idea: Everyone in government gets the same health care as their constituents. Better Idea: During a nuclear exchange, the authorities have to give up their underground bunkers for kids in kindergarten.
Suppose you live next door to a jerk. And suppose the jerk though you were a jerk. And suppose you were both right. You bickered and swore to burn each other’s house to the ground. And you would have, except your daughter fell in love with the jerk’s son. And miracle of miracles they had […]
I will also teach you how to write screenplays that we can sell to the major studios.
From the 23rd floor of the Hyatt in Shanghai my wife and I look down on the Egg. A chicken that laid such an egg would stand taller than the Statue of Liberty. Even so, you could not make an omelet large enough from that gargantuan hen to feed the 1.4 billion people in China […]
With the new millennium roaring around us we must solve several serious problems or we’ll not make it as a species for another hundred years, let alone a thousand. Here’s our five major problems: (1) thermonuclear war, (2) the environment, (3) balanced budget, (4) sexual predators in political offices and (5) obesity. Thermonuclear war is […]
Everyone grab half a sleeping person ….
The Right Man for the Job
The leader of our land claims he’s making our country great again. He loves his family. They love him. So what if he has a real hot wife who was not born an American? Disgruntled voters have criticized him because he has said a few hurtful things to world leaders who do not agree with […]
Gaudi’s cathedral is a work in progress like our marriage
The two-inch drone traveling at 22 MPH evaded The Secret Service
There are lots of ways to get what you want. One way is to go to Mars so that intergalactic war can begin.
Millions of truck drivers create tens of millions of job. But there is a huge shortage of drivers according to The Wall Street Journal. And those jobs cannot be shipped overseas. I beg to differ. Pilots fly drones halfway around the world. Let ’em drive trucks. A clever guy in the shade of the […]
He gave me a damn fine whipping employing a large switch that somehow reached my vulnerable little bum
Samsung’s latest evil invention
The phone that I knew as a boy has morphed into a magical device that we take for granted. But the machines are just starting.
Those in power must stop him. They paint Trump as a lunatic. As a liar. As a traitor. This will not work!
I would rather get some of my tiny piece of the pie back rather than giving up what little pie I have.
“Slip this into your pocket, don’t make it obvious. When you get home, check out the first star to the right of the nine.”
I discovered something that has shaken my confidence, my faith, and my soul, to the core.
— my friend, you will have a meeting that week. The single purpose in that meeting will be to meet Mr. Hopkins.
Let’s see if you can tell where I started to make stuff up.
I wonder how this looks. especially with this.
Have A Listen: sat test This link gets you a free copy of the narration, and a free trial membership in Audible. Already a member? I have some review copies while they last. email: firstname.lastname@example.org Thanks!
hey pay $3,000 for aged ripped jeans
Trump challenged Bernie to a televised sex contest ….
Jack Wynters gives my favorite character a wonderful voice.
Mother Nature likes hockey. I know she likes hockey because I have seen and handled the tar that holds the oil.
Thank you for your dire warning about flying almost half way around the world.
My prediction — last edited 10/26/15 — Bernie will be the next US president
We have a home in Edmonton that we rent to grad students. Recently after weeks of negotiating–a possible tenant came in with a last minute offer, far below what we had agreed to. She said she already had a better place …. I sent her the following. Hi June, Kate and I are delighted that […]
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The more he drank, the friendlier he became. He liked the fact I recognized him and chuckled at a couple of things I said.
You can make a 100 times more money writing this way than blogging.
Adult Riddle. After everyone left the shower it was discovered that one of them was pregnant.
Who they love and where they live becomes the graph of most people’s lives. However, Mother’s life, a life of almost a century, was defined by the dogs that lived with her.
These ‘freelance spies’ are recording conversations around New York City http://www.theverge.com/2015/5/24/8652925/freelance-spies-nsa-recording-conversations-nyc
I am not sure where he came from or how he learned to do what he did but he was one of the most bizarre characters who ever settled in our village.
He was an electrician …
… who resembled a Sumo wrestler with a French name, and how he learned about electricity I don’t know.