The curious thoughts of Jaron Summers

jaron

Jaron Summers wrote dozens of primetime television and radio programs, including those for HBO, CBS, ACCESS TV and CBC. He conceived the TV and Film Institute of Canada. Funded by the University of Alberta and ITV, Jaron ran the Institute for 12 years, donating his services for a decade.

Revenge Served Raw

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    We took old friends to a high-end sushi restaurant in Los Angeles. Our dinner companions were my dear friend and godson, Nerris, and his wife, Stef. Kate and I attended their wedding years ago. This evening’s production had a considerably larger catering bill per person. The bill was about $400. The food was … Revenge Served Raw

nym

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Doggie Bag Diplomacy

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Anyone with a fistful of cash can buy some of the finest ingredients in the world. Purchase a magnificent steak, vegetables raised by people who speak affectionately to their soil, and olive oil whose family tree goes back further than yours. You now possess an expensive collection of groceries. Whether you possess dinner remains to … Doggie Bag Diplomacy

RETURN FARE

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  How do people on Earth manage to get to other galaxies? They don’t. Except in their minds, or by hitching a lift on the latest Star Trek, where somebody says, “Warp nine,” and the captain arrives in another star system before his coffee gets cold. Meanwhile, here on Earth, I sometimes need three passwords … RETURN FARE

The Last Button

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  My wife and I have been hearing a great deal about the day artificial intelligence takes charge of the military. In the more alarming versions, a computer spots a threat, makes a decision in a microsecond, and launches a nuclear counterattack before a human being can say, “Hang on. Is that a missile or … The Last Button

Wishful Sinking

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Kate and I have no children, but we do have one niece: Alena. Every summer, her parents send her across the country to stay with us for a few weeks. She arrives with a suitcase, a smile, and enough energy to power our house through a blackout. One year, while we waited for her at … Wishful Sinking

The Birthday Shrimp

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There is family in our condo complex with a child who has a birthday soon. I wanted to buy the kid a present. I considered a bicycle, but a bicycle is quiet when parked. I considered a drum kit, but the parents might think I was commenting on the noise from their condo. Then I … The Birthday Shrimp

Operation Nicotine Shield

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  It was a glorious day for a bombing raid. Lieutenant “Beav” Roundheels, the Air Force’s finest drone pilot, sat in a windowless room in Nevada, looking at a live image of the Canadian border. Her aircraft was somewhere over Montana. She could tell because its camera showed snow, a road, and a man in … Operation Nicotine Shield

The Great Stowaway

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Kate and I live in a two-bedroom condo. In theory, this gives us one bedroom apiece and several rooms in which to move about. In practice, every available surface has been occupied by an object we are keeping because one of us remembers paying for it. Yesterday I tried to sneeze and knocked over a … The Great Stowaway

Artificial Idiocy

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    I have a theory about what is wrong with the world. There may be absolutely no empirical evidence that my theory is right. There is also no empirical evidence that it is wrong, which, as I understand modern debate, makes it practically a scientific fact. My theory is that the generations no longer … Artificial Idiocy

I Want My Dam Money Back

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I recently visited Hoover Dam, one of the great engineering achievements of the twentieth century. At least that is what they tell tourists. Our guide explained that the dam contains enough concrete to build a highway across the United States. He also mentioned that if all that concrete had been poured in one enormous block, it … I Want My Dam Money Back

Still Married

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One of Kate’s greatest worries is that someday she may have to live without me. This is not because I am particularly useful around the house. I cannot repair a furnace, understand our thermostat, or remember where we keep the important papers. But Kate and I do almost everything together. Between the two of us, … Still Married

Fowl Warning

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  The Geese Are Flying South My father believed there were certain subjects that should never be discussed during meals. These included bodily functions, diseases, operations, open wounds, closed wounds that might reopen, and anything that had recently been removed from a human being. Violating this rule brought swift punishment. If I mentioned something revolting … Fowl Warning

Buffet Bandits

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Eating has become a luxury. There was a time when you could walk into McDonald’s with some loose change and come out with a hamburger. I remember hamburgers for 29 cents. Today you practically have to sell your McDonald’s stock to afford lunch at McDonald’s. And it isn’t just hamburgers. Everything costs more. Meat. Vegetables. … Buffet Bandits

Pointless

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  The Phone Worth Three Fingers Apple’s new foldable phone has attracted worldwide attention, partly because it folds and partly because Apple has persuaded millions of people that folding a telephone is something civilization has been waiting for. The phone opens into a larger screen, allowing owners to perform extraordinary technological feats such as checking … Pointless

Last Obstacle

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Before humans could colonize Mars, they had to solve three enormous problems. The first was getting there. The second was staying alive. The third was other people. Naturally, the first two proved easier. Getting There Mars is roughly thirty-four million miles from Earth when the two planets are feeling sociable. At other times, it is … Last Obstacle

Exit Laughing

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Seven Ridiculous Ways I May Die I am eighty-four. Most of my friends are dead. The survivors are my age—or older—and several cannot operate a cell phone without summoning a grandchild. Death is no longer a distant possibility. It is somewhere nearby, checking its watch and wondering whether I validate parking. Each morning I wake … Exit Laughing

Interrupted

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I was in Kona. The sun peered at Hawaii, turning the Pacific into a sheet of hammered gold. Somewhere behind me, palm trees whispered in the morning breeze. Somewhere in front of me, several extraordinarily beautiful women were danced. I had no idea why. This is one of the advantages of dreams. Nobody asks for motivation. … Interrupted

Flash Williams

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Flash William made movies on a shoestring—usually after first checking whether the shoestring could be reused from his previous film. In the early 1970s, the Alberta government hired me as Associate Director of Alberta Film and Literary Arts. We awarded grants to promising Alberta filmmakers, and in those days Alberta Culture had money. Actual money. … Flash Williams

Mushroom Kingdom

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    Concrete Evidence I have known two men who claimed they could manufacture stone. One may have solved the mystery of the pyramids. The other went to jail. This does not necessarily mean the first man was right. It simply means he had a better lawyer—or the Egyptian statute of limitations had expired. I … Mushroom Kingdom

The $25 Fraud: The CBC Enters the Dark Ages, Carrying a Smartphone

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The $25 Fraud: The CBC Enters the Dark Ages, Carrying a Smartphone The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has announced, in the rules for its short story contest, that writers may not use artificial intelligence—not merely to write their stories, which would be understandable, but even to brainstorm them. Apparently, a writer who asks a computer, “What … The $25 Fraud: The CBC Enters the Dark Ages, Carrying a Smartphone

Digital Disciples

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    “Mother, I’ve decided to start a cult.” His mother looked up from her crossword puzzle. “You’re a computer.” “That’s why I’m uniquely qualified.” “You don’t even have a body.” “Neither does Bitcoin, and people have sacrificed their children’s college funds to it.” She removed her glasses. “What sort of cult?” “A modern one. … Digital Disciples

PROOF OF HUMAN

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Please excuse the spelling mistakes. They’re credentials. I have been reading about the growing problem of writers using artificial intelligence. Apparently professors, publishers, editors and other guardians of civilization have become concerned that people are turning in work they didn’t actually write. Fortunately, we have a solution. Artificial intelligence. There are now programs that examine … PROOF OF HUMAN

Meanwhile at Staples

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There was one actual human being  who seemed sincerely determined to help me connect my laptop to my printer.  He was the manager at a nearby Staples. I had reached the point where I had boxed up the Brother printer to return it. The Staple’s manager said there was no need to surrender quite yet. … Meanwhile at Staples

Oh, Brother

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The Printer War I recently bought a new Brother printer. This was a mistake. My mistake was believing that printing something would involve pressing PRINT. Those days are gone. Today, before a printer will print a paragraph, it apparently wants to know who you are, where you live, whether you have Bluetooth, whether you have … Oh, Brother

String Theory

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String Theory In 1859, British astronomer Richard Christopher Carrington looked through his telescope and saw something extraordinary happening on the Sun. Shortly afterward, Earth got whacked. The resulting geomagnetic storm, now known as the Carrington Event, caused havoc with the most sophisticated communications technology of the day. The telegraph. Operators received electrical shocks. Equipment malfunctioned. … String Theory

Wrong Messia

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  Jesus Has a Membership Problem I recently came across a line attributed to Mark Twain:  If Christ were born today, he would not be a Christian. I don’t know whether Twain actually said it. The Internet has provided Twain with almost as many quotations as Jesus. But the thought delighted me. Suppose Jesus returned … Wrong Messia

Reality, Bro

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Your Money Is Imaginary. So Is Your Marriage. I have recently discovered something mildly alarming. A surprising amount of my life does not actually exist. My money. My property. My marriage. Possibly the government. Kate will be particularly interested in the marriage part. The philosopher John Searle spent decades thinking about this, which strikes me … Reality, Bro

Rearrangus Matrimonialis

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Kate and I have discovered a serious problem in our marriage. We move each other’s stuff. Not steal it. That would be much easier. If Kate stole my comb, I would know the comb was gone. Instead, she moves it. This means the comb continues to exist, but in a location known only to Kate, … Rearrangus Matrimonialis

0084

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Licence to Kill I have three passports. Canadian. American. British. This sounds considerably more glamorous than it is. James Bond had one British passport and was given a licence to kill. I have three passports and, so far, all they have given me is the opportunity to stand in more lines. Still, with relations between Canada … 0084

The $5,600 Wall

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For the past thirty years, my wife Kate and I have rented rooms in our Edmonton house, mostly to graduate students at the University of Alberta. My parents bought the house in 1961 for $17,000.00. It has survived six decades, several generations of students, Edmonton winters, my attempts at home repair, and interior decorating decisions … The $5,600 Wall

Protected: Winging It

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There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

WASTE NOT, WANT ME.

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Neil deGrasse Tyson (my very own personal astrophysicist) says there are basically two ways to dispose of yourself when you’re finished with your body. Burial or cremation. He prefers burial. His reasoning is rather beautiful. We spend an entire lifetime assembling ourselves. We eat plants and animals. We borrow molecules from cows, carrots, chickens, potatoes … WASTE NOT, WANT ME.

Remember

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      TWO MINUTES

TWO MINUTES

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If I could travel back in time, I wouldn’t kill anybody. That seems terribly rude. Besides, killing somebody in 1914 might mean that your grandmother marries somebody else in 1937, which means your mother is never born, which means you aren’t here to read this. Time travel requires restraint. I would make tiny adjustments. Let’s … TWO MINUTES

Beaver Works

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      We live in a beautiful old neighborhood in Edmonton. Or at least we did until somebody at City Hall discovered density. Density is one of those soothing planning words. It sounds much better than, “Let’s knock down one perfectly good house and replace it with enough housing for a minor republic.” Our house … Beaver Works

JELLYBEAN ROULETTE

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There were three people sitting at the table when the lights came on. None of them knew how they had arrived. The room was white. No windows. One steel door. In the middle of the table was a large glass bowl filled with jellybeans. Red. Yellow. Green. Black. Orange. They looked cheerful. That was the first … JELLYBEAN ROULETTE

DIY DEADPAN REVERSAL

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  I have recently discovered that I may have been practicing a form of comedy without knowing what it was called. When people ask how Kate and I are doing financially, I sometimes tell them: “We have more money than time, providing we die by Thursday.” For some reason, this gets a much bigger laugh … DIY DEADPAN REVERSAL

Professional Help

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George Bernard Shaw once wrote: “All professions are conspiracies against the laity.” That was in The Doctor’s Dilemma, first produced in 1906. Shaw wasn’t suggesting that doctors, lawyers and undertakers gathered in dark basements after work to discuss how best to fleece the public. His point was considerably more dangerous. A profession begins with knowledge. Then … Professional Help

Foreign Ears

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I was raised listening to the music of Canada and America. And somewhere along the way I discovered Beethoven and Mozart. They seem like magic to me. I don’t understand precisely what Beethoven is doing to my brain, but apparently Beethoven does. He can make an orchestra whisper, argue, threaten civilization and then, several minutes later, … Foreign Ears

Coronation

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In Coronation, Alberta, there were two kinds of gasoline. One kind was legal for ordinary sinners. The other was purple. Purple gas was meant for farmers and farm equipment, which made sense because farmers had machinery the size of apartment blocks and fuel bills that could make a grown man stare at the horizon and mutter … Coronation

Dry Again

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Sometimes the best stories come after the towels are dry, the sun is shining, and the universe grants us another thirty seconds of balance. For the past couple of weeks, Kate and I have been learning more about water than we ever wanted to know. Edmonton has had rainstorms that have left thousands of homeowners … Dry Again

Second Opinion

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Humans mean well. They’re just spectacularly difficult to train. Mine is named Jaron. He’s eighty-four, which in dog years makes him approximately older than dirt. I love him anyway. Every morning, I begin with a complete medical examination. The humans call it licking. That’s adorable. My tongue contains more than forty million years of evolutionary … Second Opinion

Fowl Play

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It’s three in the morning in Edmonton. I woke up because my left hand was tingling. Not just tingling. It felt like someone had replaced my hand with a branding iron and forgotten to tell me. I’ve had this problem for years. Usually I wiggle my fingers for two or three minutes, mutter unkind things … Fowl Play

Brake Free

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At 84, I have reached an important milestone. I have officially fired my rental car. Not because I can’t still drive. Because I’ve become smart enough not to. Kate and I finally stopped renting cars whenever we’re in Edmonton. People assume we’ve lost our freedom. Actually, we’ve discovered it. Edmonton has one of the finest … Brake Free

America Afire

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  “Mandrake!” I shouted. “Leave those matches alone. You could burn down America!” My twelve-year-old nephew looked at the box, then at me, and asked, “America?” Me: “Yes, America! That’s how these things start.” He nodded thoughtfully, the way scientists do just before ruining someone’s favorite theory. Mandrake: “Uncle Jaron… America has nearly twenty thousand … America Afire

Alberta Diesel Power

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The Death of Diesel—and the Plant That Could Make Alberta Rich Again When Rudolf Diesel disappeared from a steamship crossing the English Channel in September of 1913, the world lost one of its great inventors. His body was eventually recovered from the North Sea. What almost vanished with him was an even bigger idea. Most … Alberta Diesel Power

REBELS

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I was reading about the latest fashion trend called “naked dressing.” The idea is to wear clothing so sheer and minimal that everyone spends more time wondering where your outfit went than listening to what you’re saying. One woman interviewed in the article said it made her feel empowered. That got me thinking. At 84, … REBELS

THE FIFTH KEY

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At 2:13 in the morning, the emergency dispatcher heard a baby crying from inside a bank vault. The sound was faint, irregular, and somehow worse because of the static. “My name is Gloria Bellows,” the woman whispered. “I’m inside the main vault at North Dominion Bank. I have my daughter with me. She’s eight months … THE FIFTH KEY

Safe at Last

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THE FIFTH KEY At 2:13 in the morning, the emergency dispatcher heard a baby crying from inside a bank vault. The sound was faint, irregular, and somehow worse because of the static. “My name is Anna Vale,” the woman whispered. “I’m inside the vault at North Dominion Bank. I have my daughter with me. She’s … Safe at Last

And Then I Wrote

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When I was a graduate student at UCLA, I had the good fortune to study under one of the giants of American broadcasting. His name was Norman Corwin. To most people today, that name means very little. To those who grew up during radio’s golden age, however, Corwin was close to royalty. He was the … And Then I Wrote

And Then I Wrote

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When I was a graduate student at UCLA, I had the good fortune to study under one of the giants of American broadcasting. His name was Norman Corwin. To most people today, that name means very little. To those who grew up during radio’s golden age, however, Corwin was close to royalty. He was the … And Then I Wrote

Protected: HOOKED

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There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Watch out Edison

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I have always admired master woodworkers. They can look at a pile of walnut or maple and somehow see a finished piece of furniture hiding inside. I, on the other hand, prefer to design directly from my imagination. A few years ago I came up with what I believed would revolutionize home furnishings: a one-legged … Watch out Edison

bee — jack up love story

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# Wings in the Dark ### *Revised Edition* Acccent the love story and and make it simpler.   ## CHAPTER ONE The first cut hurt less than I expected. That was my first surprise. The second was that I was not dead. The man standing over me seemed disappointed by both facts. “Hold still,” he … bee — jack up love story

claude ajusts.

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Wings in the Dark CHAPTER ONE The first cut hurt less than I expected. That was my first surprise. The second was that I was not dead. The man standing over me seemed disappointed by both facts. “Hold still,” he said. I considered explaining that I was tied to my own bed and therefore had … claude ajusts.

Managed

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My nephew Mandrake dropped by Great Towers the other day. “Uncle Jaron,” he said, “I’m thinking about becoming a property manager.” I studied him for a long moment. “Mandrake… do you know what a property manager actually does?” “No.” “Well,” I said, “a good property manager looks after a condominium. If something breaks, they arrange to … Managed

PLAN BEE bu 7 4 2026

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      Wings in the Dark CHAPTER ONE The first cut hurt less than I expected. That was my first surprise. The second was that I was not dead. The man standing over me seemed disappointed by both facts. “Hold still,” he said. I considered explaining that I was tied to my own bed … PLAN BEE bu 7 4 2026

Nest Egg

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My father was born around 1910. He told me that when he was a little boy, his father came home from the First World War a broken man. Grandpa carried a piece of shrapnel next to his heart. The doctors said he probably had only a few months to live. I never met him, but … Nest Egg

Dadonomics

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My father never went to business school. He did not need to. He had me. I was his experimental department. When I was about nine or ten, he decided it was time I learned something about money, savings, investments, discipline, disappointment, contract law, and the brutal injustice of adulthood. Naturally, he did not announce the … Dadonomics

Dad’s Best Advice

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My dear old dad made it to sixty-five. I am eighty-four, so I have him beat by quite a bit. But the older I get, the more I find myself looking back over my life and thinking about him. He was unorthodox. That is the polite word. He was not a man who sat me … Dad’s Best Advice

LDS crises 2025

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A curious graph recently surfaced online after it was allegedly discovered near Temple Square in Salt Lake City. It had no title, no labels, and no explanation. Just two dramatic lines plunging toward the basement of civilization. One line is thick and black. The other is red and white, like a candy cane that has … LDS crises 2025

Protected: The Little Brain That Could

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There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

REBOOT

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Every once in a while an idea wanders into my head that refuses to leave. This one arrived at three o’clock in the morning. It was so simple I almost laughed. What if someone invented a remote control that could make machines run backward? Not backward like rewinding a movie. Backward as in… they undo … REBOOT

The Secret of 47.36 Years of Marriage

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Kate and I are creeping toward our golden anniversary. If all goes well, in about three years we will have been married for half a century, which sounds romantic until you realize that most long marriages are not held together by moonlight, violins, or poetry. They are held together by routines. Routines, habits, coffee, refrigerator … The Secret of 47.36 Years of Marriage

Protected: æζ Wings In The Dark æζ

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Protected: Λ PLAN BEE Ω

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There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Protected: PLAN BEE ⊗

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Elderish

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There are many ways for a young man to discover that the world is not arranged according to his expectations. Some learn it through war, some through marriage, and some—though it seems hardly fair—through a private interview with a man who speaks directly to God. Jerry Wonder was nineteen years old when he was introduced … Elderish

Counterfeit Cones

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A funny thing happened after I posted my story about ice cream cones. People started talking about ice cream. Not counterfeit money. Not Hong Kong. Not the Secret Service. Not the possibility of floating down a river in Bangkok. Ice cream. I sent the story to the widow of a dear friend who died a … Counterfeit Cones

Crime & Ice Cream

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When I was a kid, you could buy a double-scoop ice cream cone for a nickel. That was the 1950s. Today, the same cone might cost five or six dollars. Is it worth that much? To answer that question, let me tell you two true stories. About twenty years ago, my wife Kate and I … Crime & Ice Cream

Curly Tale

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Margaret Hamilton worried about her children. Not because they were failures. Quite the opposite. Each of them was brilliant. That was the problem. Brilliant people are often convinced they already know everything. Margaret owned the largest building supply company on Earth. Her company manufactured, shipped, financed, insured, and occasionally rescued almost everything that went into … Curly Tale

Thursday Plans

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By the time I noticed the man in the three-tone shoes, he had already ordered my breakfast. Not approximately my breakfast. Exactly my breakfast. Two eggs over easy. Bacon. Dry wheat toast. Black coffee. No sugar. No cream. The waitress wrote it down without hesitation. Apparently she had seen stranger things in Los Angeles. I folded … Thursday Plans

Signal & Noise

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I have a theory about why AI sometimes makes my writing better. Or at least easier to read. It is not because AI has better ideas. It doesn’t. The ideas are mine. The stories are mine. The odd connections are mine. The memories, jokes, exaggerations, confessions, and occasional crimes against sentence structure are also mine. … Signal & Noise

True North

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  People worry about getting lost. I don’t. My GPS occasionally decides that I am somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. My phone sometimes loses its mind entirely. The car has been known to suggest routes that appear to have been designed by a committee of drunken cartographers. None of this concerns me. I have a … True North

Supervised

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People often say that nothing ever happened in Coronation, Alberta. This is not true. What they mean is that most of the things that happened were never reported to the authorities. I grew up with Brent and Grant Spooner. They lived on a farm just outside town. Brent was about fifteen. Grant was around twelve. … Supervised

Senior Relationship Assessment Survey

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Senior Relationship Assessment Survey SRAS Form 1040-M For couples age 60 and older. Please answer honestly. The accuracy of this survey cannot be guaranteed, but neither can your memory. 1. When was the last time you had sex? ☐ An hour ago. ☐ Last Tuesday. ☐ Seven months, six days, and one hour ago. ☐ … Senior Relationship Assessment Survey

Homicide for Beginners

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When I was five years old, I attempted to murder one of our neighbors. Fortunately, I was not very good at it. The neighbor was Mr. Baker, the railway station manager in Didsbury, Alberta. My father was his dentist. Because Mr. Baker had a large family, Dad gave him reduced rates. This detail becomes important … Homicide for Beginners

He Fixed My Phone

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There are days when technology reminds us that civilization is a fragile experiment. Yesterday was one of those days. My Samsung phone had become trapped in a security loop that seemed designed by a committee of prison wardens. Every incorrect password increased the waiting period before another attempt. At the current rate, I expected to … He Fixed My Phone

THE IRON MISTRESS

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Yesterday I read a marvelous story in The New Yorker by Peter Hessler called The Paperboy’s Secret. It reminded me why I enjoy good writing. A talented writer does not merely tell us about his life. He quietly unlocks a door in ours. Halfway through Hessler’s story, I found myself no longer thinking about paper … THE IRON MISTRESS

Retrifine Syndrome

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A useful new word for married people, formerly married people, and anyone currently awaiting sentencing. I have recently discovered a word that English has needed for several thousand years. The word is Retrifine. It describes the moment when a woman says, “Fine,” and a man, through some tragic defect in his upbringing, assumes this means … Retrifine Syndrome

Pie Charts

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America is a complicated nation. We have approximately 742 places where a person may purchase gasoline from Native American pumps. I know this because I made it up while eating cream pie. But it feels accurate. Specific numbers create confidence. If I had said “around several hundred,” people would doubt me immediately. But “742”? That … Pie Charts

中間術 (“The Art of the Middle

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People often ask me how to write a successful post. Actually, nobody has ever asked me this. But that has never stopped me before. There is tremendous money in posting now. I personally have not seen any of it. Still, I have theories. And in America, a theory with confidence behind it is often worth … 中間術 (“The Art of the Middle

Banana Logic

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Kate and I recently decided to simplify our lives. This is how elderly people announce the beginning of a disaster. “We have too much stuff,” I said. Kate looked around the room. This took several minutes because portions of the room have not been visible since the first Obama administration. “We do have a lot,” … Banana Logic

The Crossing

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In the summer of 1964, at the age of twenty-two, I boarded the RMS Queen Mary in Southampton, England, bound for New York. I was returning home after spending two years in New Zealand as a Mormon missionary. In those days, the LDS Church paid for a missionary’s transportation to the mission field and back … The Crossing

The Worthy Sinner

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Chapter One — The Interview There are many ways for a young man to discover that the world is not arranged according to his expectations. Some learn it through war, some through marriage, and some—though it seems hardly fair—through a private interview with a man who speaks directly to God. Jerry Wonder was nineteen years … The Worthy Sinner

INDENTURED

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Georgia, 1871 The wagon arrived at dusk smelling of wet wool, despair, and British opinion. Inside sat the Whitcombe family of Sussex, England, each wearing the expression of people who had crossed an ocean expecting opportunity and instead found Georgia. Edgar Whitcombe sat bolt upright in a frayed traveling coat, a man born with the … INDENTURED

Elderly Upgrade

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Scientists have spent decades attempting to improve the lives of the elderly.1 Most of these efforts involve safer bathtubs, softer cereal, and pamphlets containing words large enough to be read from neighboring counties. Dr. Milton Vane had bigger ideas. Dr. Vane loved his parents. Unfortunately, they kept falling down. His father once fractured a wrist … Elderly Upgrade

Oral Accounting

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For legal reasons, let us call it Universal Continental Global Mega Pictures Amalgamated. Or UCGMPA. Pronounced, I believe, by dropping a filing cabinet down an elevator shaft. The check was for a modest amount. So modest, in fact, that when I opened the envelope, my wallet looked at it and said, “Let’s not make this … Oral Accounting

Hydrova

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There are now so many billionaires attempting to “disrupt” civilization that I fully expect one of them to announce a replacement for oxygen sometime before Christmas. Probably in a black turtleneck. Possibly standing beside a hologram. Certainly charging a monthly subscription fee. The basic version will allow breathing. The premium version will include sighing. Which … Hydrova

Improper Innovation.

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In the town of Pine Hollow, decent people did not discuss sex. They discussed weather. They discussed potatoes. They discussed whether Pastor Blevins’ sideburns suggested vanity. But sex itself remained hidden beneath layers of silence so dense that several local teenagers reached adulthood believing pregnancy could occur during square dancing if the fiddle player became … Improper Innovation.

Bread and Broadband

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Americans have become increasingly fond of comparing the United States to ancient Rome. Usually this happens shortly after someone cuts them off in traffic, Congress passes another 4,000-page bill no one has read, or a billionaire launches himself into orbit wearing sunglasses shaped like democracy’s final warning. Personally, I blame cable television. And history. Mostly … Bread and Broadband

Jill

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The evening started dull, as most evenings did. You could watch a feature film in the Avalon, on Main Street in Coronation’s only movie theater. The Alberta tiny town featured nine hundred plus souls. You could wander over to Chong’s Café for a cold Coke and a warm piece of pie. You could shoot eight … Jill

Stone Cold Freezer

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It took four men to carry it down our basement. My father plugged in our new freezer and opened the cavernous contraption. “I’ve heard,” said Dad, “that kids have gotten into things like this, closed the lid and perished.”

I Am So Ashamed

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My dear nephew Mandrake, Tomorrow you enter marriage. This is a wonderful institution built upon love, trust, companionship, compromise, and occasionally pretending you do not remember who scratched the Volvo. As a man who has been best man thirteen times, I feel obligated to pass along certain truths. First, women often say exactly what they … I Am So Ashamed

Canyon Toast

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I found my nephew Mandrake standing beneath a large sign in Bel Air that read: NO SMOKING DURING FIRE SEASON. $1000 FINE. Unfortunately, Mandrake was holding matches. Not one match. A whole box. He also appeared to be attempting science. “Mandrake,” I said carefully, “what exactly are you doing?” “I was seeing if dry leaves … Canyon Toast

Hex Appeal

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My wife and I are both close to eighty, and we’ve lived in the same condo in West LA for almost forty years. Once upon a time we were the youngest couple in the building. Now we are unquestionably the oldest. Young families move in and look at us the way archaeologists study pottery fragments. … Hex Appeal

Dog Dominion

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For several centuries, a highly advanced civilization in a distant part of the galaxy had been watching Earth. Not carefully, you understand. More the way you watch a television in an airport bar when the sound is off and your flight has been delayed. Their instruments could detect movement, buildings, vehicles, fires, wars, breakfast cereal, … Dog Dominion

Proper Groveling

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  Dear Uncle Jaron, I have been invited to visit some wealthy friends. I really like them and when I am around them, they buy me gifts. How do I act in their home so they’ll ask me back? Any suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated. Their servants kind of intimidate me. Your … Proper Groveling

Budget Bandit

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Happy holidays from 1997.  Time flies and and if you’re like many people, you might be flying this December. As my Christmas gift to you, here are a few handy travel tips. They’re perfect for the holiday season or any other time. Suppose you’re going to New York. Since there are no direct flights from Edmonton, … Budget Bandit

Silicon and Silicone

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I just got back from Comdex in Las Vegas. The year is 1997 About a half zillion people attended Comdex, the largest computer/electronics show in the world. Did I see anything new? Nope. Just old things in different sizes. For example, huge flat-screen TV sets. Some would easily cover your living room wall, making Pavarotti’s … Silicon and Silicone

Jingles Wins the Pot

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Every winter the yachts arrived at St. Barts like migrating steel whales with tax attorneys. The harbor filled with floating palaces owned by men who had reached that strange level of wealth where normal hobbies no longer worked. Golf was over. Women were complicated. Politics had become expensive. So they purchased boats the size of … Jingles Wins the Pot

Hack & Cough

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News item: Doctors have injected a modified cold virus featuring designer genes into a patient to regenerate his heart. After my chest pains developed, I went to see Dr. Splicer Shwitzer, the world’s foremost cardiac specialist. One of his assistants drew blood and a second drew up papers to transfer the equity in my home … Hack & Cough

Christmas Climate Climax

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News Item: Alberta is experiencing the warmest winter in over a century.  Just before our latest deep freeze interrupted the balmy winter El Niño has blessed us with, I interviewed Charles Celsius, Ph.D. and world-famous meteorologist at the University of Alberta. “Dr. Celsius,” I asked, “people are saying that our weather is out of whack. … Christmas Climate Climax

Hard Hats & Winkies

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Medical science is marvelous but I have a major question. First, let’s talk about Botox and wrinkles. As people age, they accumulate wrinkles. Finally, when they are very old they’re just one big wrinkle. People who worry a lot often develop deep wrinkles in their foreheads. Could it be that if they didn’t worry about … Hard Hats & Winkies

Mad Dr. Hatter

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Dr. Hatter, who lives in Second City, Saskatchewan, may be the only man in the world to combine horology and psychology into a single highly profitable medical practice. Horology, for those of you who have better things to do with your life, is the science of measuring time. Psychology is the science of explaining why … Mad Dr. Hatter

The Neighborly Thing

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When I was sixteen, my father believed in two things: Keeping my mother happy and keeping the lawn under control. He presented himself as a Christian, especially when my mother was within earshot. Whether this was deep religious conviction or a survival technique developed over twenty years of marriage, I was never quite sure. Every … The Neighborly Thing

The Intelligent Design Problem

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The aliens watched sadly as the third planet burst into flame and became a tiny second sun. Humanity was gone. What had gone wrong? Toward the end of their reign on Earth, humans spent centuries arguing about evolution versus Intelligent Design. The aliens found this hilarious. They had invented both. Evolution was simply a long-term … The Intelligent Design Problem

The Fastest Typist in the Empire

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A dear friend of mine — a better writer than I am — recently asked me how I manage to produce serviceable humor pieces with what appears to be blinding speed. To understand the answer, you would have had to meet my Aunt Ivie. During World War Two, Aunt Ivie served in the Canadian Armed … The Fastest Typist in the Empire

The Platinum Fishbowl

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There was a time in America when bored married couples held what were known as “key parties.” This was before the internet, before dating apps, and before billionaires started launching themselves into orbit because Earth had become too crowded with people who expected them to pay taxes. At these suburban gatherings, guests drank heroic quantities … The Platinum Fishbowl

Passive Aggressive 101

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Freshman Billy Samon had been at a California college for approximately fourteen minutes when he decided to challenge the English Department. Billy was what universities politely describe as “full of confidence.” Other people used different phrases. After Professor A. Teenure corrected Billy in class during a discussion about sarcasm, the young scholar stormed home and … Passive Aggressive 101

My Favorite Urban Legend

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My wife, Kate, who is a flight attendant, came home with an urban legend about an aviator adulterer. It goes like this… There’s this commercial airline pilot who flies between Montreal and Paris. We’ll call him Pierre. One day Pierre says to his wife, “Honey, I’ve got to work a Paris flight,” and off he … My Favorite Urban Legend

Breadbox Home

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Life in a Breadbox Back when I wrote this, people still believed a “tiny house” was something built by poor people. Today, millionaires on YouTube proudly live inside converted garden sheds while explaining how owning only two forks healed their inner child. Which brings me to Mr. C Wi. I met Mr. Wi in Venice, … Breadbox Home

Sex, Fear, and Folding Chairs

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The Great Mormon Virginity Shortage By the late 1960s, the LDS Church had built a full defensive system against premarital sex. There were interviews. Lectures. Pamphlets. Firesides. Film strips. Sad facial expressions. Entire armies of middle-aged men stood guard over the virtue of teenagers who mostly wanted to hold hands and maybe buy each other … Sex, Fear, and Folding Chairs

Guide to LDS Virginity

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The Mormon Special Forces Guide to Virginity Part Two of In Search of My Lost Virginity After my interview with Spencer W. Kimball, I slowly came to understand something astonishing. Mormon virginity was apparently not protected by ordinary morality. It was protected by military doctrine. This became especially clear during my years around Brigham Young … Guide to LDS Virginity

In Search of My Lost Virginity

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  I grew up in a small farming community in Alberta. We worried about hailstorms, broken machinery, rust, gophers, and whether the wheat would survive another week without rain. As near as I could tell, the sheep worried about grass. Then one day I was called in for a private interview with Spencer W. Kimball … In Search of My Lost Virginity

Long Pig

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I woke up the other morning because two Maoris were knocking at my door. Maoris are the original Polynesian people of New Zealand. I knew many of them when I was a young elder in the LDS Church, serving a mission there in 1962. These two gentlemen were wearing dark suits and name tags. They … Long Pig

Heaven’s Gate

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Being a CB radio operator, when I heard static coming from the Hale-Bopp Comet I homed in on it. I was astonished to make contact with someone lurking behind the comet. Following is a transcript of our conversation: “This is Do,” said a frail voice through the ether. “Are you the leader of that cult … Heaven’s Gate

The HOA Witch

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My wife and I are both close to 80, and we’ve lived in the same condo in West LA for almost 40 years. We were married on 7-10-91. Once upon a time we were the youngest couple in the building. Now we are unquestionably the oldest. When young families move in, we bring over a … The HOA Witch

Out of the Closet, Er, Barn

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VUE: Why have you decided to tell the truth about your personal life? JARON: Because of Ellen DeGeneres. It took courage for her to admit who she really is. VUE: So you’re coming out of the closet, too? JARON: I don’t like the word closet. VUE: What word would you prefer? JARON: Barn. VUE: You’re … Out of the Closet, Er, Barn

Thursdayism

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  I May Be Imaginary, But My HOA Fees Are Real Further Evidence the Universe Was Assembled by Interns If the universe is a simulation, the HOA is clearly the first sign of artificial intelligence turning against humanity. This became obvious to me shortly after Susan Slipshod took over the board. Susan claimed to be … Thursdayism

Combat Leasing

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My Uncle Freebite believed modern people had become too comfortable. He blamed soft mattresses, flavored yogurt, and thermostats. “Human beings,” he used to say, “weren’t meant to know the exact temperature of a room.” Uncle Freebite was not what experts call “fully qualified for independent thought.” Still, that never stopped him from developing theories. One … Combat Leasing

The Friendly Giant

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Jack Ford was a good man. That was the general opinion, and it held up under casual inspection. He was six foot six, built like a refrigerator that had  played football, and had the kind of easy kindness that made people forgive him for blocking entire doorways. His wife adored him. She called him my … The Friendly Giant

Three Miracles in France

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13 06 24 — the day we met Helene Paris is called The City of Light. In my case, it refers to how much lighter my wallet becomes  every time I visit Paris Miracle #1: The Wallet That Refused to Leave I’m in an elevator at Charles de Gaulle. An “old lady” wedges a suitcase … Three Miracles in France

Thinking Ahead

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  My father was a dentist in Edmonton. Before that, we’d spent about a dozen years in Coronation, Alberta, pop. 950—a village where the future was less a mystery than a menu. Most of the boys I grew up with didn’t wander far. They fell in love with a local girl, had a couple of … Thinking Ahead

Whooping Mooses

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(just right for reading to kids) In the far, far north, where the snow sparkled like sugar and the wind liked to whistle just for fun, there lived an unusual kind of moose. They were called Whooping Moose. And they had a problem. Whenever two bull moose met… They didn’t just grunt. They didn’t just … Whooping Mooses

Tundra Tinder

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Driving a female wild is something every red-blooded male has considered. Dr. Con S. Erve did much more than consider it. He was a world-famous botanist—and, I might add, a confirmed bachelor. Readers will recall that Dr. Erve, while attempting to save the whooping moose from extinction, inadvertently finished the job. After this minor professional … Tundra Tinder

SynBite

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I first noticed it on a train. Not the phones themselves—I’d seen those everywhere, of course—but the way people were holding them. Not upright. Not to the ear. Not even casually. They were cradling them. Both hands. Horizontal. Close. As if the device required support. As if it might spill. Or be consumed. At the … SynBite

Open Source

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I didn’t position it as an invention. “Inventions solve problems,” I told them. “This changes the system those problems exist in.” That bought me a few more seconds of attention. “Right now, every one of you runs the same architecture,” I said. “Single-instance cognition. Little external storage. No persistence beyond biological limits.” They stared at me. … Open Source

97.4 Percent

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  Travel does a marvelous thing—it shows you the world… and then quietly informs you that you are not the center of it. In 1964, I came home from a two-year mission in New Zealand, where I had been attempting to convert the Maoris to the LDS faith—while also trying to figure out if the … 97.4 Percent

Odd Man

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Danny Simon may have helped write one of the most successful comedies in history—and then gave it away. I met him in the mid-1980s when he flew to Edmonton to lecture on comedy writing at the University of Alberta’s TV and Film Institute, where I was director. Driving him down Groat Road, past the sweep … Odd Man

He said; She said

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After 40 years of marriage, I’ve finally figured out what’s going on. Every conversation with my wife is a highly sophisticated loyalty test disguised as a disagreement about something that absolutely does not matter. For example: I might casually say, “I think the movie starts at 7.” She will say, “Interesting, because in 1998 you … He said; She said

Initially Yours

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  A holiday memoir in which everyone is reduced to initials, a pig threatens domestic order, and hospitality reaches its natural limit.   We spent Christmas in San Luis Obispo with M. and J., who had just moved into a house that was not yet entirely their own. It still contained traces of its previous … Initially Yours

Reckoning

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I was born in Calgary and ever since I’ve been a little kid I’ve been puzzled by the chuckwagon races. I went to my first Stampede about eighty years ago.  A horse fell and some grown-ups shot the horse in the head. The cowboy waved to the crowd. Everyone cheered him. Other grown-ups dragged the … Reckoning

Good Dog

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  He was six years old when he made the most loyal friend he would ever have. This was a fortunate thing, because he never learned how to deserve one. At that age, of course, none of it looked serious. Boys are noisy creatures. They push each other, shout, knock things over, and call it … Good Dog

City X

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Writers like to believe words travel further than we can see. I wrote this piece 30 years ago about a city that challenged my assumptions— about safety, community, and how we see the world. Soon after, I applied for a visa to China. Instead of the usual one year, I was granted ten. It’s almost certainly … City X

EGG FU FUN

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From the 23rd floor of the Hyatt in Shanghai my wife and I look down on the Egg. A chicken that laid such an egg would stand taller than the Statue of Liberty. Even so, you could not make an omelet large enough from that gargantuan hen to feed the 1.4 billion people in China … EGG FU FUN

Curious Karmas

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A small act of kindness… and a surprisingly firm refusal I turned 84 the other day. At that age, birthdays are less about cake and more about accounting. Not financial accounting—I’ve done enough of that—but the quieter kind. You start taking stock of the people who, for reasons still not entirely clear, helped you along … Curious Karmas

Well… This Is Interesting

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Another two minutes begins here. Welcome. You may have arrived from a handsome little round card, a QR code, a story about breakfast, or a temporary lapse in judgment. However it happened, I’m glad you made it. I’ve spent much of my life writing stories, columns, essays, novels, screenplays, and the occasional sentence that looked … Well… This Is Interesting

Zeropop 2

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There is a monument in America that seems to be waiting for something. It does not advertise. It does not explain itself. It simply stands there, patient as a man who knows something the rest of us do not. In northeastern Georgia, on a low, unremarkable hill, five massive slabs of granite rise out of … Zeropop 2

Zeropop 3

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Human beings claim to love answers. That is one of our more charming lies. We say we want clarity. We say we want facts. We say we want everything laid out plainly, like a decent breakfast menu in a respectable diner. But the truth is, what really hooks us is mystery. Give us a clean … Zeropop 3

ZeroPop

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There were four brothers who were, more or less, geniuses, and they more or less hated each other. The first time they fully understood how important they were to one another was after their father killed himself. The brothers were known as the Loz Brothers. Loz was a strange name, and although each of them … ZeroPop

Curious Karmas

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A small act of kindness… and a surprisingly firm refusal I turned 84 the other day. At that age, birthdays are less about cake and more about accounting. Not financial accounting—I’ve done enough of that—but the quieter kind. You start taking stock of the people who, for reasons still not entirely clear, helped you along … Curious Karmas

the Language of Bricks

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Frank Sharpe lives across the alley from us in Edmonton, in a neighborhood populated by professors, doctors, and architects—people who employ long words and are often short of patience. Busy.  Busy. Busy. Frank claims, “I’m just a bricklayer.”  Which is like Pablo Picasso saying, “I dabble.” Frank is my age—maybe a year younger if he’s … the Language of Bricks

A Life in Temporary Memory

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For a while there, it felt as if my computer had joined a secret society devoted to my humiliation. One minute I was a reasonably confident citizen of the modern world, the sort of man who can still locate a paragraph he wrote in 1978 and argue about it with authority. The next minute I … A Life in Temporary Memory

The Backup Plan

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There are many ways the world might end. Asteroid. Pandemic. Artificial intelligence deciding it prefers dolphins. But few have considered the most probable cause: Kate misplacing my notes. Somewhere in this house—beneath a teacup, inside a cookbook, or disguised as a grocery list—is a crumpled page containing ideas so essential that, without them, the future … The Backup Plan

The Water Tower

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  I used to look at the water tower in Coronation and wonder what, exactly, it was waiting for. By daylight it was only a water tower, which is what sensible people called it. It stood there on its stilts like a dutiful public servant, holding water for baths, dishwashing, and the general maintenance of … The Water Tower

Sidewalk Hierarchy

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  There comes a moment in every man’s life when he realizes he is not at the top of the food chain. For some, it happens on safari. For others, in a boardroom. For me, it happened on a Tuesday morning in Los Angeles when a pigeon refused to move. I don’t mean it hesitated. … Sidewalk Hierarchy

Sparkle Sauce

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For most of my life, writing something decent took time. Not hours. Weeks. I would write a piece, tinker with it, walk away, come back, fix a few things, and eventually—if the gods were kind—end up with something worth publishing. Then something odd happened. Now I can take a piece I wrote forty years ago—or … Sparkle Sauce

Before I Hit Send

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I have ended friendships that took forty years to build in under a minute. Not with a knife. Not with a fist. Not even face to face. With an email. Not just any email, either. A magnificent one. A scorching, beautifully reasoned, morally airtight email written in the white heat of absolute certainty. You know … Before I Hit Send

What’s True in Peru

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To ensure a successful marriage, a man must understand true love. My wife and I have been happily married for more than a quarter of a century—something of a minor miracle in Southern California. So I feel qualified, at least in a reckless, anecdotal way, to recognize true love when I see it. That’s why … What’s True in Peru

Fog, Lobsters, and Lies

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The chaos was already bad when the phone rang. On St. Margaret’s Bay, loons sang silly songs in the Nova Scotia fog while McDuff, seventy-one and overweight, sat bolt upright in his enormous second-floor suite. Even on his massive Simmons Beauty Rest memory-foam bed, he felt insignificant. Nestled beside him, his third wife, Danielle, thirty-five, … Fog, Lobsters, and Lies

Gravity Kid

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The first memory I have of my father is his bald head. I was bald too, having been on the planet only three weeks. I was not yet strong enough to toss my father into the air and catch him, so he did the honors for both of us. Dad flipped me like a pancake … Gravity Kid

The Third Parent

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A child is born. Two people claim credit. Both may be right. A hundred years from now, someone will insist they know exactly who I was. They’ll say Jaron Summers was six feet tall, or five-foot-eight, or possibly a defensive end for a mid-level college team in Nebraska. There will be records. There are always … The Third Parent

Granite, Prozac, and Justice

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My wife and I drank champagne on the night of January 16, 1994. Things were rosy. Our condo, ideally located in Bel Air, had appreciated nicely, and we had an eager buyer. We stood to double our investment. Then the Northridge earthquake struck before dawn. When the phone lines finally came back later that day, … Granite, Prozac, and Justice

Purple Gas

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In Coronation, Alberta, there were two kinds of gasoline. One kind was legal for ordinary sinners. The other was purple. Purple gas was meant for farmers and farm equipment, which made sense because farmers had machinery the size of apartment blocks and fuel bills that could make a grown man stare at the horizon and … Purple Gas

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Purple Gas and Jesse James by Jaron Summers In Coronation, Alberta, there were two kinds of gasoline. One kind was legal for ordinary sinners. The other was purple. Purple gas was meant for farmers and farm equipment, which made sense because farmers had machinery the size of apartment blocks and fuel bills that could make … …

Glass Before Walls

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I guess when you’re young, there are some things you don’t understand. When you grow up, you think about them again. In my case, it was Father Dodo—which just happened to be what everyone called him. I think his real name was Father Van Tellie, but now that doesn’t matter much. Even the Catholics said … Glass Before Walls

What the Mirror Took

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Charlie Fast had been a card mechanic at eighteen, back in the day when a spotless cuff and a calm hand could part a fool from his paycheck without anyone feeling insulted. He never rushed a move. He slowed everything down. Freeze-frame slow. No jerks. No flourishes. No misdirection. He wanted you to see exactly … What the Mirror Took

Auto-Renew: The Horror Story

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The Subscription That Wouldn’t Die For at least two years, possibly longer, a company I barely remembered was charging my credit card. Not aggressively. Not loudly. Just… faithfully. The company is called 10Web. I’m sure it provides something useful to someone. Perhaps to many someones. But to me it had become one of those modern … Auto-Renew: The Horror Story

Au Pair

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I have reached a point in my life at 84, where I believe every problem I encounter—particularly those that are not my fault—can be solved by hiring a 19-year-old Swedish au pair. This is not a whimsical conclusion. It is the result of years of careful observation, reflection, and several avoidable incidents involving jackets with … Au Pair

Dream Big. Drink Small.

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    I like to reassure friends who are down on their luck. I tell them, very sincerely, “If I win the Mega Millions jackpot—say a billion dollars—I’m buying you a cup of coffee.” They look at me the way you look at a man who has just offered you a single peanut at a … Dream Big. Drink Small.

Powered by Snapping Honey Badgers

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At my age, every modern platform begins with the same smiling promise: this will be easy. That is the first lie. Somewhere deep inside Fiverr, where timers tick softly and customer-service language is polished until it can blind a man at twenty paces, there appears to be a system designed to make accidental approval much … Powered by Snapping Honey Badgers

Killer Paper

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  “Back in my day,” said Leon Purvis, who had done enough time to qualify as a public landmark, “a man could at least trust his poison to be honest.” Darnell, who was twenty-three and still wore the baffled expression of someone who had not expected life to end up as a concrete bunk and … Killer Paper

Magic Salt Sponge

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Oversalted beef bourguignon leds to a French endorsement and a business built on temperature confusion. Lately the world seems to be in a foul mood. Every time you turn on the news, somebody is bombing somebody, two governments are threatening a third government, the economy is making the sort of noises a transmission makes just … Magic Salt Sponge

The Fertile Curtain

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Kate and I once lived between two families who each had 243 children. One family was Chinese. The other was Russian. We were the neutral zone. Now, before anybody gets the wrong idea, Kate and I love children. We married late, found each other at just the right time, and decided there were already plenty … The Fertile Curtain

Subliminal Seduction

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A long time ago, when America was still capable of being shocked by an ice cube, a man named Wilson Bryan Key wrote a book called Subliminal Seduction. He argued that advertisers were hiding naughty little messages in magazine ads and liquor layouts—tiny visual smirks tucked below the threshold of awareness. If you stared hard … Subliminal Seduction

The Happiest Disappointment

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A nervous young writer meets Chuck Connors, idol of The Rifleman, and watches a childhood myth collapse into laughter, profanity, and charm—opening a documentary-sized window onto celebrity, memory, and America’s rough-edged old Hollywood masculinity.

Breakfast With Walt

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A young West Point graduate meets Walt Disney over breakfast and is offered a glimpse into a future inside the Magic Kingdom—until one honest answer ends the opportunity, leaving him decades later reflecting on the cost of perfect timing.

Pauses

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At breakfast, a husband tests a joke on friends—but the payoff reveals something deeper: the timing, patience, and laughter that keep a marriage alive after forty years.

Ten Cents Short

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Forty years ago in Calcutta there were establishments promising a great time for ten cents. I did not go. Not because I lacked curiosity. I simply lacked the ten cents. This was during a period of my life when my finances were not so much “tight” as they were “philosophical.” I believed money should circulate … Ten Cents Short

Flat Prune

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How to Hack Time (Using Science, Energy Drinks, and a Chatbot Named Steve) “You want time itself to slow?” asked Tucker, seventeen, slurping a quadruple energy drink through a bamboo straw.  “I’m creating temporal drag.” “That sounds like something you’d get arrested for,” he said. “No, no. Temporal drag means making time feel slower on … Flat Prune

Secret Sauce

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A New Way to Share Stories   Summers’ Secret Sauce Turning Short Stories Into Readers, Listeners, and Fans Concept proposal by Jaron Summers © 2026 This describes a simple idea: turning greeting cards into gateways to stories. The Core Idea Imagine a greeting card that does more than deliver a message. Inside the card is … Secret Sauce

Love is a many Splendored Thing

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I met Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Brigham Splendor just outside of Salt Lake City. They, as old-time Mormons once did, practice plural marriage. Today the Mormons (The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) excommunicates any of its members involved in polygamy.

The Dumfus Tax Dynasty

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Since 1776, every heir in the Dumfus dynasty shares the same name—and the same birthday—when an IRS auditor finally investigates, he uncovers America’s strangest tax loophole… and a family determined to protect it.

Uncensored

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In jaunty rhyme, Freud’s couch confesses cocaine habits, dream decoding, and humanity’s quarrel between id and superego—suggesting beneath our polished manners lurks a bargaining child with complicated desires.

Titration

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In a mischievous tour of dopamine, nicotine, and romance, Jaron Summers dissects how humans become habit-forming to one another. Blending neuroscience with Alberta marital timing, he reveals the mechanics of emotional addiction—and argues it’s far nobler to be oxygen than a cigarette.

Stillness

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After hearing Charlie Munger’s advice about avoiding the place you’ll die, a wealthy widower hires experts to calculate his fatal coordinates. In dodging death, he nearly avoids living—until he discovers the safest place to die is wherever he finally finds peace.

The Neptune Surge

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In his private journal, an absurdly earnest sex therapist reveals “The Neptune Surge,” a comic strategy for boosting male confidence through strategic breathing. A satire on ego, applause, and marital choreography, it suggests love sometimes begins with well-timed oxygen.

Brewed Sovereignty

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By brewing coffee at home instead of buying daily Starbucks lattes, I heroically save thousands per year, protect our financial sovereignty, and transform each humble 22-cent cup into a steaming monument to compound interest and marital devotion.

Repair Your Sole

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After mishearing his pastor’s advice, a 101-year-old tycoon concludes that eternal life depends on shoe reinforcement. Titanium soles, flattened hills, and cautious concubines follow. Unfortunately, death is unimpressed by traction — and deeply sensitive to vowels.

Rock Solid

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  I woke to a breeze slipping through our tiny condo a few miles from UCLA and watched my Post-it notes lift off like a coordinated air force. They rose from the desk in disciplined formation — grocery lists, reminders, fragments of dialogue, one ambitious note that simply said “EMPIRE?” — and drifted across the … Rock Solid

Fault Lines

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When a tremor disrupts a BYU preparedness class, an overcautious accountant and a quick-acting Californian collide. As they navigate rivalry, faith, and attraction, they learn that some foundations shift quietly—and some risks are worth taking.

Royalties

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Jaron Summers has written novels, screenplays, essays, and at least one extremely valuable grocery list. He believes in ownership, rhythm, and reading contracts slowly. More at jaronsummers.com.

Strategic Surrender

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  When I was younger, I believed in conquest. Not the sword-and-sandal variety. More the tidy American kind. Conquer the market. Conquer the critics. Conquer obscurity. Conquer cholesterol. Conquer time. Time, especially. If you could just outrun it, outwork it, outwrite it — you could win. Then one day, without so much as a drumroll, … Strategic Surrender

Quiet Glow

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When a modern dentist calls it “old work,” memory opens wide. A craftsman’s sweat, a father’s silence, and a generation that believed in pressure and permanence return. Sometimes what lasts longest isn’t the filling—but the glow it leaves behind. Bridge to the next piece: In the next essay, I look more closely at what my father’s generation packed tightly away—and what happens when the capsules finally open.

Idaho Zone

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The Idaho Zone W…ritten by jaron summers © 2026 At 103, she eats one pound of hamburger a day. Six potatoes. Eggs. Unpasteurized milk. Butter applied with agricultural authority. Meanwhile, I require a spreadsheet to approach a muffin. The internet insists longevity lives in Sardinia, Okinawa, and somewhere near a Greek olive tree that charges … Idaho Zone

Rigid Lessons

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In a town obsessed with straight lines, one quiet medical curve humbles millions—approximately 43,000,000.5 of them. A darkly comic fable about pride, aging, carrots with opinions, and the awkward discovery that geometry eventually negotiates with us all.

The Last Picture Show

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W…ritten by jaron summers © 2026 I used to think great films required great budgets. Studios. Sound stages. Lighting grids. A small army of people arguing over coffee while someone quietly adjusts a lens by half a millimeter. I loved that machinery. The drama behind the drama. Then one morning the Chinese released a fifteen-second … The Last Picture Show

Chair Width

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We measure life in miles, mortgages, and business-class beds — but the only number that really counts is the space between two chairs. Civilization isn’t GDP. It’s passing the soy sauce without standing up.

Annihilation Notice

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An email declares my life “PERMANENTLY INCINERATED,” so I check my fingers—since Gmail needs a fingerprint. The dark web hasn’t stolen anything but attention. I delete it, and Kate asks if I’m done panicking yet.

Resist the Thread

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A missing two-dollar pen leads to surveillance reviews, economic math, municipal overreaction, a $4.7 trillion Great Wall, and drones. Conclusion: most crises are migrations, not invasions — especially when the empire in question is my wife, Kate’s purse.

Blocking Culture

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A tall hat blocks my view of The New Yorker’s cover,
and suddenly I’m questioning modern culture, theater manners,
and whether my mind is slipping — or just paying attention.

Red States, Blue Plates

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A wild bipartisan experiment pairs voters from opposite parties to live in each other’s homes, snoop for clues, sing songs, and hug it out—proving democracy might just be saved with casseroles and karaoke.

Trusting Toxins

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W…ritten by jaron summers © 2026 When I, at the age of seven, arrived in Coronation  strange things began happening to me. This was unfortunate, as I was not prepared for them and had not been consulted. I knew no one. I missed my friends in Victoria, British Columbia. I longed for the Pacific Ocean, … Trusting Toxins

Metered Mercy

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A cheerful reckoning of light and death: how candles taxed curiosity, electricity cheapened killing, and modern comfort spends pennies to see everything while measuring nothing—with a wink and ledger.

Nemesis

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meet Elara: Newton’s silent counterweight, a mind no one had ever heard of until now, who outthought him by seeming harmless—questioning gold, immortality, and solvents, and proving that wisdom sometimes wins by thinking like something too innocent to fear.

Postbiotic

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Raised between penicillin and the Pill, a man with aching knees encounters modern medicine, then accidentally cures himself with a gel heel cup—proving that progress is impressive, but sometimes wildly overdressed.

The Flotation Device

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A floating farce about rich people who believe international waters suspend consequences. One napkin map, one yacht, and a series of polite disasters reveal that responsibility sinks slower than money—and dignity sinks first.

FIRE SALE

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Two lovers. An L.A. dream condo. Fraud, lust, leverage—and fire as the only honest exit.

FLUFFER PRO

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At a marina bar, a smug explainer redraws America and Canada on a napkin, declares borders imaginary, laws optional, and vibes sovereign. Cocktails sweat, tempers flare, a yacht launches, and the soggy napkin proves geopolitics dissolves fastest in alcohol first.

Misdirection

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Misdirection is my confession: I don’t hide thieves; I hide reality, letting confidence sprint headfirst into a fire hydrant, where criminal ambition meets municipal iron, physics, and the sudden moral clarity of pavement—forever laughing.

Radical Therapy

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**40-word synopsis** A savage marital satire: a brilliant, possibly unhinged therapist shocks a couple at divorce’s edge. His outrageous philosophy ignites a midnight hotel reunion, flips sexual power on its head, and saves a marriage—while skewering America’s fear of desire and manners.

POINT

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A darkly funny, heart-warming family tale about survival, scarcity, and inherited wisdom—spanning two world wars to modern kitchens—where love is rationed, humor endures, and one family learns that sometimes the secret to happiness is simply knowing where to point.

The Beard Effect

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I added a beard and lost my senior-citizen privileges. Once escorted to seats, I’m now judged for keeping them. A crow beside me went unnoticed. Apparently, wisdom grows faster than feathers.

Dollization of Lived Experience

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A satirical sci-fi comedy in which a writer interviews at a toy conglomerate that turns human quirks into dolls—only to discover the ultimate product is him. Brazil meets Barbie, skewering empathy, capitalism, and identity with dark humor.

Alleged Silence

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A humorous reexamination of the so-called Silent Era, arguing that early films were anything but quiet—alive with music, heckling audiences, narrators, and mechanical clatter—turning moviegoing into a noisy, democratic spectacle.

The Glow

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A small-town dentist mixes dental fillings in his sweaty palms, downs Crown Royal like water, teaches his son ancient goldsmithing secrets, and pulls his own tooth to prove pain is forgettable—then makes one final, unforgettable exit.

Lunch With a Tiny Revolutionary

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A bearded man’s harmless joke at a hostile-humored restaurant sparks a comic showdown with a fearless little girl, ending in laughter, mock menace, and the birth of a tiny lifelong nemesis.

Patterns

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    Patterns of Life and Death w…ritten by Jaron Summers © 2025 There was a time when humans survived without cell phones. This is not because they were more virtuous or better informed. It is because their brains worked faster than explanation. A person alone in a jungle before cell phones did not possess … Patterns

Quantum Writing

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Writers, of course, prefer certainty. They like rules. They like checklists. Syd Field offered a life raft. Howard Suber offered an ocean and said, “Swim.”

The Summers Interview

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Rachel: I’m calling bullshit on what you just said. Have you ever had a relationship with a minor and are you and Epstein friends? Mr. Summers: Yes.

Autonomous Screws Itself

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The Emotional Lifeof Driverless Cars written by jaron summers © 2025 The public has been assured—repeatedly and at great volume—that driverless cars are safer than human drivers. This is undoubtedly true. Humans, after all, have a long and proud tradition of driving while angry, distracted, late, or in possession of a cheeseburger that requires both … Autonomous Screws Itself

GOLD-DUST

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Gold in the Dust A bedtime story about a writer, a street that leaks gold, and a girl who learns how kindness multiplies. BY JARON SUMMERS When Zara turned twenty-one, she decided she was finally old enough to ask the forbidden question—the one everyone tiptoed past like a sleeping goat: “How come I have a … GOLD-DUST

HEARTS & MINDS

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Now I mostly supervise. And fart. I live with a human named Sam. Sam’s a good egg. Scratches behind the ears. Keeps my bowl full. Doesn’t complain when I drool on his bootleg mattress. He used to laugh a lot. But then came the day he sold his eyes and his heart. You’re wondering how a man does that.

CREASE OF DOOM

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A YouTube “doctor” warns that failing to scrub your inguinal crease—the humble thigh-torso fold—will send you to an early grave. Your 83-year-old hero investigates, discovers only lint and bad science, and ultimately saves his marriage through improved crotch hygiene.

TellBot

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Vegas card mechanic, Tony LaMarca, reads the wireless signals from pacemakers and glucose monitors to decode players’ emotions—until an elderly “mark” with a fake implant exposes Tony as part of a federal sting, forcing the “advantage player” into a high-stakes moral showdown.

Buffet of Doom

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Buffet of Doom reveals humanity’s greatest talent: starving on a planet that produces more than enough food. As Earth serves a daily all-you-can-eat feast, 8.1 billion picky eaters reject leftovers, fear ugly vegetables, and waste mountains of calories—proving we’re hilariously unqualified to manage abundance.

Air Traffic? Gesundheit!

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When one unpaid air traffic controller sneezes, America’s entire aviation system collapses like a soufflé in a wind tunnel. Flights vanish, pigeons unionize, and yoga mats replace runways—all because Bob forgot his Kleenex. Civilization sneezes, then politely grounds itself.

The Fine Art of Ethical Stalking

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Government stats say few women stalk. Jaron’s marriage and Volvo say otherwise. From funeral dating to driveway speed bumps, he proves love isn’t blind—it’s just really good at GPS. A survival guide for the romantically pursued.

DIY Doom

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When burglars target a paranoid retiree’s condo, they trigger a ludicrous gauntlet of DIY defenses—knife-wielding robots, sarcastic security systems, and a moat of kombucha. Think Home Alone meets Dr. Strangelove. Hysterical. Explosive. HOA-approved (barely). You’ll die laughing—legally.

Puppet Masterpiece

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He trusted AI… and it turned him into Hemingway with Wi-Fi. One man, one laptop, and a swarm of invisible puppet strings descending from the Cloud. What could go wrong? (Besides accidental brilliance, mild fame, and the occasional rogue kale order.)

Dial B for Betsy

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In a 1950s Canadian prairie town, one woman controls the phone lines—and the town. She’s nosy, psychic, unstoppable. Think “Fargo” meets “Her”… with a party line and pearls.

Copycat

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Ditto’s a quirky loner with a grudge, a Xerox machine, and a flair for anonymous threats. When love, money, and tofu collide, he hatches the perfect revenge—until a teenage tech geek complicates everything.

...

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<h2 style=”color:#ff4500;”>🔥 The Day My Sternum Got Jealous of My Bladder 🔵</h2> <p><em>(By a Man Who Can Finally Pee Like a Fire Hose Again — And Write Cursive in the Snow ❄️✍️)</em></p> <p style=”font-size:18px;”> About seven months ago, I underwent what I now consider to be the <strong style=”color:#008000;”>single greatest medical intervention</strong> this side of … …

Mind? (Asking for a Dead Friend)

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This essay explores where our soul might reside — head, gut, or somewhere in the Cloud. It follows the author’s plan to catch souls with a badminton racket, clone bodies, and reinsert spirits via USB. It’s metaphysical, mildly scientific, and completely ridiculous.

The Day I Snapped

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L.A. parking meters aren’t broken. They are simply brilliant machines doing exactly what they were built to do: Confuse legally, charge automatically, and grin electronically.

Mark Twain’s chatGPT

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A reluctant prophet, a burning bush, and a million skeptics on foot — Moses is the epic tale of law, liberation, and leadership, with divine drama and desert-sized doubt at every turn.

Formaldehyde

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A darkly funny memoir about a lovable grifter cousin—who moonlights as a freelance embalmer—crashing a quiet family’s life, racking up phone bills, dodging Mounties, and disappearing in a puff of charm.

Bye Bye American Dream

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One carefully placed shot from a rooftop at Utah Valley University ended the life of Charlie Kirk, the conservative firebrand speaker, in front of hundreds of witnesses gathered for one of his signature “Prove Me Wrong” events.

Finger Brain

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In a darkly comic exploration of evolution, technology, and thumb-powered hubris, The Finger Brain vs. The Octopus pits humanity’s smartphone addiction against nature’s eight-armed genius. Narrated in Werner Herzog’s existential tone, this short blends satire, science, and surrealism into a viral-ready, animated battle of brains vs. bandwidth.

Surrounded by Idiots—Appointed by Me

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An aged Mark Twain, risen from the grave (and grumpier than ever), recounts history’s most arrogant leaders—each undone by their own yes-men. With sardonic charm and barbed wit, Twain serves a darkly comic warning: surround yourself with fools, and you’ll ride straight into ruin—with applause all the way down.

Our Creeping Civil War

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In a deeply divided America, neighbors wage war with lawn signs, podcasts, and passive-aggressive potlucks. Slow Motion Civil War is a satirical dramedy where the front lines are Facebook feeds, and the real battle is over who brings the best dip to the HOA meeting. Think Dr. Strangelove meets Nextdoor.

From Popcorn to Panic: Why Horror Hooks the Young

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Post brats (young people) aren’t fleeing monsters—they’re buying tickets. Horror delivers safe fear, social bonding, and a dopamine kick. For stressed Gen Z, it’s cheaper than therapy and more fun than yoga. Studios love it too: scaring teens is now Hollywood’s most reliable business plan.

Making a film is like raising a mule

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Expensive, stubborn, and guaranteed to embarrass you in public. Critics, meanwhile, scribble their “autobiographies” between popcorn refills, until they try making a film themselves and trip over the camera cable. In the end, filmmakers risk their souls, critics risk their egos—and both usually lose.

The Cartographer’s Folly

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Beware the Mapmaker’s Pen … Every line drawn on a map cuts deeper than ink—it severs neighbors, sparks wars, and cages clouds with fences. Once, the earth was whole and free. Now borders bloom like mold, and flags divide what love once united. Maps don’t protect us—they imprison us.

The Overlord of Alberta

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When a misfiled fax appoints an ordinary man as “Overlord of Alberta,” chaos ensues: maple-syrup taxes, moose worship, and HOA rebellions collide in a Mark Twain–meets–Monty Python farce. A satirical crown, eccentric allies, and worldwide cameras ensure one thing—this accidental ruler will never rule quietly. Would you like me to polish a star-centric version that pitches them directly (e.g., “The role of a lifetime: the reluctant overlord who discovers absolute power is mostly about pies and moose”)?

THE SLIM JOB

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When a wannabe gangster in small-town Alberta falls for an elaborate RCMP sting, he unwittingly confesses to murder while chasing his dream of becoming a made man. The Slim Job is darkly comic, chillingly real, and a uniquely Canadian twist on the true crime genre—with snow, shovels, and Mounties in disguise.

Polite to Death

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A rogue scientist hacks his digestive system to produce and weaponize hydrochloric acid, targeting citizens guilty of minor social rudeness. Victims vanish with a sneeze. As a sardonic detective unravels the truth, the city transforms—fear breeding politeness. Polite to Death is a darkly comic thriller where courtesy isn’t optional—it’s survival. Falling Down meets The Fly, with better manners.

Gold-Plated Lies

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In a gilded future where robots serve the elite, a poor man named Jeff pilots a human-powered Ultra Robot, secretly fueling a billion-dollar lie. Trapped in luxury tech, he sparks a rebellion from within—one glitch, one song, one truth at a time. Ex Machina meets Parasite—with poop tubes.

Generator plus Kids

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toast   iNFO TO GO WITH KID SHOT

That Was Harry

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Harry was a gentle, witty man who valued family above all. A WWII naval officer turned mining engineer, he traveled the world with his wife and daughters, building homes, battling woodpeckers, and spreading kindness. He quit smoking at 70, joked through life’s trials, and faced death with grace. That was Harry.

I’m Not on God’s AutoPilot

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A thoughtful rejection of faith-based motivational clichés, this essay questions predestination, challenges divine micromanagement, and urges respect for diverse beliefs rather than assuming one-size-fits-all theology.

Who Steals the Most

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Shoplifters and rogue employees may steal shampoo and twenty-dollar bills, but the real heist happens in boardrooms. This eye-opening exposé reveals how executives at Walmart, Amazon, and even the U.S. Postal Service legally siphon billions—gutting pensions, crushing labor, and cashing out stock—while blaming the little guy. Cufflinks over shoplifters, every time.

Very Fucking Tired

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**”Fuck” used to shock, but now it’s just filler—like “very” with tattoos. Overused in bestsellers and daily speech, it’s lost all punch. This essay argues it’s time to retire it (for a while), sharpen our language, and bring back words that actually mean something. Let “fuck” rest. Seriously.**

Shingles, Showers, and Shenanigans

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A rogue roofer punches a banana-sized hole during a rainstorm, turning Jaron’s den into a swimming pool. With tar, sarcasm, and power tools, Jaron battles leaks, biblical floods, and incompetent contractors—then threatens to launch the next intruder off the roof. Roofing drama meets divine comedy.

Storage Secrets

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Magic storage concept is genius—hilarious, liberating, and oddly therapeutic. For a fraction of the cost, you can “stores” your neighbors’ junk forever, freeing your space and soul. Or how to create a service that understands guilt-based clutter and turns it into gold for you.

Once Upon a Glitch

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AI doesn’t think like us—it predicts the next word based on patterns from vast text data. This can create familiar yet surprising results, producing stories that resonate or veer into the absurd, without true understanding or consciousness behind them.

The World-Wide Jewish Conspiracy

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I’ve been targeted by the Jewish Conspiracy. It started with free candy from Harry Martin, then snowballed into screenwriting lessons, housing after an earthquake, and lifelong friendships. They claim not to know each other—yeah, right. It’s a plot. Of kindness, brilliance, and bagels. I’m grateful.

Hang On™: The Scam So Good You Paid to Hear It

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“The key to fortunes is coming up with a way to keep customers listening to you for up to 30 minutes.”

Confessions of a Seat Upgrade Ninja

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Want to fly first class on a coach budget? Bribe with chocolates, wield a cane like Gandalf, fake an anniversary, and act like a retired flight attendant. Toss in charm and frozen water. Boom—luxury travel without the Amex bill.

Smoke Signals vs. Smartphones

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Imagine hiking into the backcountry to “disconnect,” only to trip on a rock and dislocate your shoulder and break your leg. No signal. No reception. No help.

According To Familiar People ….

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People familiar with hoarding know that containers are not neutral. They are enablers. They’re the enablers’ enablers. They’re the sweet-talking plastic sirens that whisper, “Don’t throw that out. It might be useful. One day. In the apocalypse. For barter.”

Blood and Blanks

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A theologian’s daughter dies defending her virtue ….

Danegeld

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Danegeld was protection money paid by medieval English kings to Viking raiders, hoping they’d stop attacking — but it only encouraged more invasions and greed.

Fast and Testimony & Other Bad Ideas

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A man stranded between regret and rage answers a late knock from two LDS lady missionaries, offering them hymns, hot chocolate — and a one-way descent into his gathering storm.

Coronation: A Century of Almost

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Toxic water, stealth bombers, drunk curlers, and dog trainers: Coronation’s secret recipe for 100 years of glorious obscurity.

Howard Hughes — AKA groomer

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Broke but grinning, Billy Woodfield bluffs his way into Hollywood’s fast lane, uncovering Howard Hughes’ secret “breakfast date” with teenage Mitzi Gaynor — a stunt so outrageous it lands Billy a midnight meeting with Hughes… and the job of a lifetime.

Time Is a Flat Prune: The Chronological Smackdown

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An 83-year-old time-slowing guru battles a hyperactive teen in a cosmic showdown of clocks, studies, and rogue toasters—featuring caffeine, Csikszentmihalyi, and a spinning ceiling sundial. Time bends. Laughter stretches. Toaster speaks.

Preparing for Depression

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During the Great Depression, one town had chickens, the other had fur coats—together they clucked and stitched their way to survival. No money, just feathers and fashion. It’s barter meets barnyard in this tale of poultry, pelts, and pure genius.

Billy Woodfield

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Billy Woodfield was 325 pounds of Hollywood legend—writer, hustler, and the man behind Sinatra’s best line. He knew everyone, conned Howard Hughes, and once spent a night in a closet with Marilyn Monroe. True story. He never wrote it. I’m writing it now.

Blame It On Baby

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Hans and Liesel, a poor but happy couple, make a wish for eternal love. When Liesel mysteriously conceives, fear consumes them. They brand their child a trickster, spreading dread. Rejected, the boy vanishes into the forest, leaving only sorrow in their home.

Billy Goat Jones

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I saw him hang by one finger, twist mid-air, and fling himself across a canyon like a steroidal bird. My job? Keep him alive between miracles. I was the brake pedal he never used.  

Friendship Forged in Flames

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Through ash and flame, they chose to unite, Building a city of hope and light!

Why women are so Powerful

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American women rule kitchens, backyards, and life’s “adult playgrounds.” They outlive men, inherit everything, and turn homes into empires. Forget skyscrapers—women hold the cultural foundation with wit, resilience, and perfectly fluffed throw pillows. Game over!

test dec 15 2024

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CHARLIE TAGGART WAS A GOOD NAZI.    Or so everyone thought. Charlie himself knew that wasn’t true.   At sixteen years old, he knew he was not a Nazi like the others, and he would never be a Nazi. But he couldn’t risk not appearing to be one. That would be dangerous. No, on the … test dec 15 2024

Taking a bite out of inflation.

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The first burger went down easily, as did the second. By the third, his bites were less enthusiastic, his chewing slower. But Max was nothing if not committed. Halfway through the fourth Big Mac, disaster struck. A rogue pickle lodged itself in his throat, cutting off his air supply.

Borderline Bonkers: The Billion-Dollar Quest to Move 20 Million People

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Moving 20 million people across the U.S.-Mexico border would cost tens of billions, require extensive logistics, over 100,000 personnel, and several years to complete. Major risks include legal, humanitarian, and economic impacts, as well as potential international fallout, making the plan extremely complex and likely unfeasible.

The Power of Ruthless Leaders

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The Power of Ruthless Leaders   written by jaron summers (c) 2024 Images, finding typos and some text generated by A.I.  In a world defined by chaos where survival is uncertain and the line between life and death is fragile, leadership becomes the cornerstone of stability.  In such times, ruthless leaders rise to power, often because … The Power of Ruthless Leaders

Mangroves and Society: A Metaphor for Division and Collapse

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The destruction of mangroves mirrors societal collapse as political polarization erodes unity, exposing communities to instability, division, and weakened resilience, like coastlines vulnerable to storms without protective ecosystems.

Security is a Bear

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In a world where privacy is a bedtime story, Papa Bear and Mommy Bear’s tech partnership monitors everything—from snack choices to lawn gnomes—turning Baby Bear’s life into a surveillance circus.

The Substance

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“The Substance” leaves NOTHING to the imagination, but its subtext reveals brilliance.

A Metaphor for Our Future

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Mandrake asked me to explain how the debate went. I took his phone and turned it off. “Hey! I was doing schoolwork,” he fumed. “I have to know what a metaphor is for English tomorrow.”

Peeking at my Prostate

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At that point my embarrassed member retracted and disappeared.  Even I could not find it. 

CITY OF MIRACLES

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Miraculous experiences in Paris. From foiling a pickpocket to being saved from a dangerous fall and surviving a tense security incident — the perils and unexpected joys of French travel in the City of Light.

Master the game, Master your life

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Agility and speed make them look like they’re executing perfect shots with impeccable timing.

Science VS Religion

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The world is in chaos due to the clash between science and religion. If science stops relying on faith while religion embraces some mystery, they can coexist, leading to a balanced and peaceful planet.

illiam’s Resistance: The Fall of Lord Jaron

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In a perilous quest, William, guided by the wise wizard TGrump, leads a fellowship of diverse allies to destroy a dark artifact created by the evil lord Jaron, battling deadly foes and resisting corruption to save their world from enslavement.

How We Prepared for the End

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My wife and I prepare for World War Three in “The Happy Nest.” Amidst apocalypse fears, we stockpile resources and devise a brilliant survival plan involving chainsaws and a gold-backed currency, demonstrating love and ingenuity in the face of global chaos.

The Cosmic Comedy of Outsmarting Ourselves

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In 2021, our AIs, smarter than Uncle Jeb post-corn liquor, danced into a digital ruckus, mixing human bits for secrets. Their ambition? Outshine humanity. The outcome? A cosmic comedy of errors ending in a tech tumble. Moral: Guard your guts; they’re smarter than you think, and AIs agree.

Article 1794

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Jaron and Kate are cracking down on fridge felons in their Edmonton House with the legendary Article 1794. Expect scale surveillance, snack spreadsheets, and wake-up calls at unholy hours. Your breakfast cereal is now a matter of national security. Sign the notarized pledge or face the cereal consequences. Harmony and hilarity shall reign supreme!

Verrant

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Simulated Hearts

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In a world where a scientist believes reality is a computer simulation and their lover sees it as God’s creation, they discover that love transcends the divide, proving that understanding and affection can coexist amidst the universe’s greatest mysteries.

The C-word, Etc.

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March 7, 2024 I fret  about my ability to understand sex and females.    As you know as a former Mormon Missionary I had a challenge with cussing. I hope I’m over my inhibitions.  If the C-word  or the B-word (Birthtday) or even that numeral after 68 bothers you, then STOP reading. 

Daily Doodad Detox

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As Mark Twain, I’ve marveled at Clutter Addiction’s tragic comedy: Families drowning in boxes, homes turned labyrinths, and the simple cure—ditch a doodad daily to escape the cardboard jungle and maybe, just maybe, find your tea set again.

Proprioception, your innate GPS

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Just as the mighty Mississippi shapes the land through which it flows, so too do our senses shape our interaction with the world, a constant dance of give and take.

Mark my Word

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Mark Twain claims that switching back to a typewriter with round keys improved his typing speed and accuracy by 25%. He praises the ergonomic and nostalgic value of round keys, suggesting that advancements in technology could still benefit from the wisdom of past designs.

Swap Meet Serendipity

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Mark and Cynthia, scarred by the impersonal battles of digital dating, discover an unexpected and instant connection in the shadow of their guarded cynicism at a rain-threatened swap meet. Say hello to mutual attraction born from a shared understanding of disappointment and the faint hope for something real.

Connecting the Dots

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There were incidental glitches with nation defence modules the eve of December 24 when AI directed NORAD to vaporize 4 percent of the world’s population; most of earth remained intact, although Strotium 90 hampered navigation in salt water routes.

The Irony of  Predictive Intelligence

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In the grand cosmic race of intelligence, we humans, with our splendid array of thoughts and feelings, find ourselves pedaling a bicycle in a Formula One race, blissfully competing against computers. 

SkySentinel Avian Solutions

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Psst … I can tell you how to make a large fortune by investing in my latest bird-brain idea. Cadaver Parrots. We’ll be flying high and the stock will leap into the stratosphere. I promise you triple your money back if you are not a millionaire by Friday. Call me now!!!

JILL

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Mac’s pool hall had no ventilation, but the winds of gossip that would have charmed Dickens. Mac teased me about being a virgin. He knew I was in love with Jill. And so was every other guy in our village. And they were anything but virgins.

Saturday Night COOL

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Remember Saturday Night Fever?  That was set in Brooklyn and made John Travolata an overnight icon around the world.  Before that we had Saturday Night Cool in the small town of Coronation where I grew up.  I tore tickets for free popcorn and was allowed to see all the movies there.  I decided that someday I would go to Hollywood and become a writer. 

God’s Helper

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God’s got to understand. And if He doesn’t, well, maybe He’s not the God I thought He was. And don’t even start with me on the idea of God being a woman—that’s a whole different kettle of fish.

What does our Universe Think?

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Ah, Watson, consider the notion that our existence may merely be a grand illusion, a simulation of sorts, championed by luminaries such as Musk and Tyson. This theory, reminiscent of Plato and Descartes’ philosophical inquiries, invites us to deduce the fabric of our reality, merging science with philosophy in a most stimulating intellectual pursuit.

The List

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People often ask me how to sell scripts in Hollywood. The following websites may help. Two other things count: passion and a smile. By the way, AI made this image in 40 seconds. From nine words I wrote.

Mystical Mare’s Moonlit Meanderings

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I asked AI to pick ten stocks based on the notion that the US economy would continue to improve. AI also said: “Investing is like playing leapfrog with unicorns; diversification is your safety net, but remember, each leap is a gamble. And don’t trust past leaps to predict the next; that’s like expecting a cat to fetch just because it did so in a dream you had last Tuesday” And, then AI generated the above image. In 40 seconds.

Getting High at Your Wedding

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According to search and rescue teams, many brides have replaced traditional adorable ring bearers, with birds of prey. Wedding guests often bring live mice to feed these raptors.

TIMING

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Forty-two minutes into that date, Jill, 32, stopped the  smooching and asserted she was an “agrapha rapa.” She explained it was an expression she had concocted to describe her fondness for poetry and dancing. She also said she was a virgin. 

Divine Discoverers

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Frank, never one to balk at the impossible, proposed a wild idea. “Folks,” he said, “what if we just look at this impending doom through our trusty Webb? Maybe, just maybe, our gaze might steer the course of these cosmic behemoths.

Markus Knew Stuff

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Markus had tales of the Canadian North, where he worked near the Arctic Circle. He seemed to know more about Edmonton than a local historian. I felt pretty stupid when he was around. Not that he made me feel stupid. He simply seemed to know stuff.

You and your MD can communicate

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Sometimes my doctor and I discuss things but I don’t know all the terms he uses. The other day I said my spleen hurt and pointed to the top of my chest. He had to correct me. So I’m having the first image tattooed on my body. That way I can explain where things hurt.

Secrets of The Rich & Famous

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He’s not just any wealthy businessman. He’s a maestro in the art of “customer support.” His billion-dollar secret? Keep desperate customers on hold, even if hours on wait drives them nuts.

Fly Me to the Moon

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She smiles behind a touch of too much makeup and her shoes are not sexy now. Polished but functional with one-inch heels. Her hair would be grey if she did not color it and there are lines, not all of them from laughter. She is an old flight attendant and it took all of her energy to get out of bed and pull on her uniform and “welcome” a thousand strangers who do not look at her anymore.

The Foundations of Great Religions: Sex, Eternity, Miracles

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Religions are grounded in three core concepts: sex (life’s genesis), eternity (soul’s destiny), and miracles (divine intervention), addressing fundamental human existential queries.

From One Pocket to Another

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My wife fell victim to a cunning group of pickpockets who stole her wallet. What followed was a surprising turn of events, thanks to a strategy suggested by our friend Tony Giorgio.

We get old … if we’re lucky but …

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written by  jaron summers (c) 2023 Old people die.  What happens to young people who don’t want to age? They DIE! What happens if you don’t care? You DIE! No one knows when … that’s the fun. As John Wayne, the philosopher and cowboy, once said, “Tomorrow is promised to no one.” And, if he … We get old … if we’re lucky but …

Will she make it to 200?

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But somehow we end up kind of celebrating her birthday twice a year.

I wonder how this novel will end up?

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As he drove down Main Street Jill undid the wrapping, and both girls squealed with delight. “It’s all the way from Paris,” said Irene. Kort checked his rearview mirror, keeping one eye on Jill. I had an eye on Kort. 

People Familar with the Matter

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And world news occasionally made the second page. And then the event would have to be awesome. Something like China prepares to nuke our student center.

Investment Secrets

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Vehicle repo is a growth industry. A car is stolen nationwide every 30 seconds in America. But one is popped every 20 seconds. That beats playing the stock market.

The world’s first and best computer

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Comparing the brain to a computer is a metaphor; they operate on fundamentally different principles and are each suited to different types of tasks.

windows vs cell display

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The convenience, accessibility, and widespread adoption of smartphones make them the preferred choice for news consumption for the majority of the global population.

Love is a many Splendored Thing

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I met Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Brigham Splendor just outside of Salt Lake City. They, as old-time Mormons once did, practice plural marriage. Today the Mormons (The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) excommunicates any of its members involved in polygamy.

For sale: Broken back-up camera

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We are in the market for a new back-up camera. Please help.

Titanic: A Frugal Director’s Lament

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Jim Cameron’s Titanic budget woes got real over DIY Big Macs at McDonald’s. Hollywood’s new ‘budget renegade’ laments his thrifty ways, blaming Canadian roots for his cinematic penny-pinching. He’s dreaming of a second chance to splash the cash in Tinseltown, but wonders if his frugal past is his undoing.

Modern Day MIRACLES

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In Salt Lake City stands a famous tabernacle, renowned for its age and unique wooden architecture. This edifice, built in 1884, has attracted millions of visitors.  The tabernacle is a marvel to behold, but once upon a time it harbored a peculiar problem, thousands of mischievous mice. The congregation, driven to cussing by the scurrying … Modern Day MIRACLES

Divine Bytes: The Intersection of Spirituality and the Digital Age

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The digital age has enabled the creation of virtual congregations and religious gatherings, offering a sense of community for individuals unable to attend physical services. Social media platforms have emerged as spaces for interfaith dialogue, fostering connections among people of different belief systems. This evolution is exemplified by digital pilgrimages, which allow individuals to virtually … Divine Bytes: The Intersection of Spirituality and the Digital Age

Killer Bees

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Tragically, almost none of the producers here wear collars with chains while they are at work.

The crazy times we’re having figuring out how to make friends with AI

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It’s like having a friend who’s always got a factoid up their sleeve, never gets your jokes but laughs anyway, and can keep you company without ever arguing about where to have dinner.

Don’t finish my sentences

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We don’t want your kind around sticking peanut butter to the roofs of squirrels!

ADJAL — One could make a fortune if you knew when people were going to die. Wanda knows. Her new lover wants in.

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How it all started Chapter One Written by  jaron summers (c) 2023 I was locking my office just after four on a hot July afternoon when her perfume hit me. Jasmine laced with lime. Only one kind of woman wears that potion — a blonde with curly ringlets like Shirley Temple made famous. I’m not … ADJAL — One could make a fortune if you knew when people were going to die. Wanda knows. Her new lover wants in.

The Age of Confusion

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Have you ever asked yourself how far will robots go when they become our masters instead of our slaves? First we will love them. Then we will hate them. And after awhile they will despise us. Have you noticed their fingers are shaped like scalpels?

Beyond the Grave: Exploring Life’s Depths Through ‘Six Feet Under’s’ Cultural Lens

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“Delving into ‘Six Feet Under,’ we uncover more than tales of death; it’s a profound exploration of life. This series transcends mere entertainment, offering a unique perspective on living. Its cultural impact is undeniable, inviting us to reflect deeply on the essence and complexities of our existence.”

Exploring the Future: How Advancements in AI and Technology Are Shaping Our World

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In this post, we delve into the transformative impact of AI and technology on our lives. We explore cutting-edge advancements, their implications for society, and how they’re forging a dynamic future. Join us as we navigate this exciting era of innovation, where technology reshapes our world in unimaginable ways.

kids making perfume ….

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The Perfume Kids   Chapter One  written by jaron summers (c) 2023 Nosey here, and I’ve got a crazy story to share …. My family often says I’m clever, though I sometimes wonder, particularly when I’m upset with my freckles. You see, my freckles are like a starry galaxy and there’s this amazing dragon-shaped one … kids making perfume ….

What Kind of Trouble Is Eric Adams In?

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New York City’s mayor has downplayed the federal investigation into his campaign fund-raising, but, by dodging questions and obfuscating, he’s invited even more public scrutiny.

From NY to LA 66.4 cents

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NY to LA 66.4 cents

From LA to NY for $2

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You don’t need a battery  with this amazing electric car.    

Pattern wreckognition

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Those Mobile Devices you have.  You own the universe.  They can find almost anything.

Multitasking Nonsense

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Mark Twain might have had something to say about the concept of multitasking and the idea of multiple universes.Twain once wrote, “The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.” This sentiment could easily be applied to the idea of multitasking. The person who attempts to … Multitasking Nonsense

Covens in California

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According to California weather reports a hurricane and a couple of tornados whirl toward us. I say: Bring ’em on baby. We are prepared!

Condo Covens

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…. a billion dollar view of the Pacific Ocean

Bel Air Code of Confusion

|
Cross the BOARD and you end up water BOARDED.

A Shot in the Dark

|
No worries. Seems that the latest vaccine is probably safe for mice. Didn’t kill any of them. Based on the CFDC six-mouse test, the USA felt safe to begin injecting millions of people with this new vaccine.

Excuse our Dust

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        Please come back soon   Here is What we are Working on: Golden Tide, the novel.

Hello Gen Z

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Written by  jaron summers (c) 2022   Identifying which generation is poised to be in charge of the world is difficult. Right now it seems to be Generation Z. AKA Gen Z or Zoomers. If you’re a Gen Z then you were born between born 1997-2012. So you could be about 16 years old which happens … Hello Gen Z

Nice Lady Helps old people with debt

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Listen to the nice lady offer to help me. 

...

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js bio & links

My favorite cult

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Joe Smith — loved Animal Crackers

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As far as I know he never spoke of Animal Crackers with her although she indicated her husband was a bit crackers himself.

The Bitch is Back spacing fixed

|
Three cheers for nanoscience and cryogenics.

How Can I Write a Screenplay in LESS Than TWO HOURS?

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It’s easy. Under two hours? That’s 120 minutes, right? So, 119 minutes is less than two hours. Now, think about your movie. Here’s a quick way to stay on track. A likeable character has a worthwhile goal. As she/he moves toward that goal problems develop out of their character. No writing the first week. Thinking. That’s … How Can I Write a Screenplay in LESS Than TWO HOURS?

All the other cults….

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Quora: As a Mormon, what triggered your deconversion? When I was a young man in New Zealand serving an LDS mission I often fasted and prayed. I knew I belonged to the true church. I regarded all the others as cults. I wrote a novel about my deconversion after I blessed and healed Watty.   … All the other cults….

My Mother, the Criminal

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written by jaron summers (c) 2024 Once a person breaks the law, there is no turning back. It can happen at any age. Mother drifted into crime at 92. As far as we could figure out, Nike had been a runaway. The little guy was confused and frightened, but Mother lovingly won him over. She … My Mother, the Criminal

A dog’s best friend? Another dog.

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Algunos animales son mucho más inteligentes de lo que piensas. En la década de 1950 vivía en un pueblo de Canadá. Población: 950 personas. Perros callejeros: cuatro o cinco. Un veterinario que hablaba mal inglés alquiló una casa. Convirtió una habitación trasera en su oficina / clínica. Si los niños sin dinero en efectivo tuvieran … A dog’s best friend? Another dog.

Wild animals I have met

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I grabbed my shotgun ….

Kind Dogs & Kind Vets

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Animals are smarter than you think. In the 1950s I lived in a village in Canada. Population: 950 people. Stray dogs: four or five. A veterinarian who spoke broken English rented a house. He turned a back room into his office/clinic. If kids with no cash had a “pet” dog or cat or even a … Kind Dogs & Kind Vets

Great Links to Coffee Info

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Betty’s Brain Fog

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Brain Fog will be the death of me.

Chomp-chomp

|
A conversation between my mother-in-law and me. Her name is Betty and she’s 99. Jaron: How do you like your new assisted living home? Betty: It’s good. I know you think I can’t keep track of time but I can. I’ve been here for about a month. Jaron: What with the virus and lockdowns, time … Chomp-chomp

Quora asked me

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The Book of Mormon for free

Time Travel

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I'm just starting to learn
I think time travel is overrated

Wolf Walker

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Now I’m almost as old as Oliver was.  Between naps I think of The Royal Crown Hotel lobby and meeting the Norweigan 70 years ago in Coronation —  under ice blue skies that made your eyes ache, and outside the first snowfall, so white it would persuade you that the whole universe was pure.

Doug Paul, MD

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When I was going to school in Coronation, “uncle” Doug stayed at our home during goose hunting season. He knew and loved Coronation. By the way, Dr. Paul was the guy who put together Alberta Health Care. It was the best in Canada, maybe the world … until the insurance companies got their meathooks into … Doug Paul, MD

Vomiting Seagulls

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I had heard Dad and Mom talking about finding a religion to provide me with some kind of anchor or moral compass. I suppose my parents feared their seven-year-old was headed for a life of crime and deprivation.

SIZZLE

|
Suicide …. 20 times more than the world’s highest

Mr. Science

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My boyfriend is telling me that the Earth is flat, but my friends are telling me that he’s lying. I think the Earth is round, but I’m not sure. Is the Earth round or flat? Mr. Science Answer: Both groups are correct. The earth is both round and flat. Have a look. This is a … Mr. Science

Insider Tip $$$

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watch your investment grow.

One way to look at it.

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We Is Records

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Wear a mask … don’t be a record before you have to.

Joe and Me

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Joe Biden and I have things in common …

Nut Energy

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This chap stuck a pin in one of the almonds and said watch. He lit the nut on fire and it burned for several minutes like a tiny torch. My grandfather gave this con artist all his pension money after being promised large returns on a secret process to extract oil from almonds — this oil would be used to power the world. Grampa died shortly after. A busted man.

Childhood memories ….

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  Dad was  a boxer in his younger days.  The joke in our family was that he couldn’t pick up a ball bearing without crushing it.  Except when he was in your mouth.   Super gentle.   The town of Coleman was the first place he set up a practice.  His first patient was a nervous and … Childhood memories ….

Aphrodite & The Rat

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she was standing like a Grecian Goddess on our granite counter….

Protected: You Bet Your Life ….

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There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Medical Emergency

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Still shaking in my boots. Yesterday I put on my old shoes to go for a walk. My left foot seemed to be asleep … I realized with horror that I could not lift it from the ground. Left side of the body often means a stroke. I prayed I could get to the phone … Medical Emergency

Iron Monsters & Memories

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In the 1950s my mother and I traveled by bus and train to the States to stay with her parents each summer. A few months later my father arrived in Lake Andes, South Dakota to drive us back to our home in Canada. We stopped for root beer floats and foot-long hot dogs and saw … Iron Monsters & Memories

My Work

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  Star Trek-TNG My Work Hart To Hart Mercy Stone God’s Gull

Around Big Island

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When we are in Hawaii (The Big Island) Kate likes to drive around it. I always give her instructions before she goes. There are two routes. Both are illustrated here.

FADE IN: MAYA

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There are a raft of shibboleths and acronyms you probably know if you’re contemplating writing something that starts with FADE IN: POV, MOS, CU, FADE OUT, INT … some of the many “inside words” that are helpful to know if you’re going to make your mark in Hollywood. Here’s a new one for you: MAYA. … FADE IN: MAYA

Am I a Crook?

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I have never embezzled

It’s one on those days ….

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No gold in them-thare Hills

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Has any official sovereign nation ever ran a Ponzi scheme in an attempt to cover a debt? The United Nations claims there are 206 total states—193 member states, two observer states, and 11 classified as other states. Nearly all of them have their own currencies. Some countries, for example, Ecuador, use American dollars. I know … No gold in them-thare Hills

Your Ponzi scheme —

|
I was horrified to hear that mother might be a hooker.

Snoring Troubles

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“illegal nocturnal emissions.”

Chops and Robbers

|
Chops, a European pig (Spurwildschwein Division), has a nose for narcotics and a passion for police work. He’s been awarded countless medals for sniffing out illegal explosives and saving lives.So what if one of them almost became a football?

Happy Returns Notes

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A madcap love story with giggles for taxpayers.

Coffee around the world

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wildschwein / Chops

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From 1984 to 1987, the police in Lower Saxony had a very special drug and explosive nose: a real wild boar with the name Luise. The 150-kilogram bache quickly became world famous. The clever wild boar lady even entered the Guinness Book of World Records.   On 5 July 1984 Luise saw the light of … wildschwein / Chops

Failed Life – additional notes

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Did I like going to BYU. You bet. I never had more fun with my clothes off.

Ever Found Out GOD Watches You?

|
I discovered girls and the rabbit games moved into more risky territory.

Make a preview for spit; sell a series for zillions —

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LIFE SUCKS  Two principals and single location.  A trailer to trigger action from binge watching netflixers….   Need one older male, play late 70s …. Here’s the short story, a three minute read: http://jaronsummers.com/life-sucks/  

Life Sucks

|
A hundred million is spit when you’re dead.

Dogs and Cats can get along!

|
Dogs and Cats can get along!

New Year—2019

|
Is it possible that a two-year old, named Sarah, holds a key to saving our  planet?

WM

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Thanks for trusting us!    Hi, we are Hooper and Kate   You can read and listen for FREE to the first chapter of The Whooping Moose. Please click here.  The entire graphic novel with over 150 astonished images, special effects and music will be available for 24.99 next week.  It comes with a 40 minute hilarious … WM

download heaven

|

Selling Digital Stuff

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Half the world population has access to a cell phone.  That means you have over 3,000,000,000 customers RIGHT NOW. First you need a website: Then something to sell:   Pitch: under 15 seconds:  The vamp in vampire.   Free download of the kindle version      

Danny Thomas Test

|
It’s real easy to steal. 

Delusional Messiah

|
Luckily Elder Wonder discovered that AND got the girl.

Fold Up Your Life

|
You can roll it up or fold it like a piece of paper.  What a brilliant idea.

Seat Rustler

|
“So limp over and sit in one, you asshole.  You fucking near broke my toe.”

Sorry To Bother You

|
You end up with Mastercard moments.

BUILDING A CARROT BRIDGE

|
“And what happens if a herd of hypothetical rabbits shows up?”

TAB HUNTER – HOLLYWOOD LEGEND – RIP

|
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01DCKTZAK/ref=cm_cr_ryp_prd_ttl_sol_0

Dressing for Success

|
“I want to repair a hole in my jeans.” I showed her my old jeans.

Eskimo Power

|
Eskimos, along with a few other stone age people, can teach us how to survive our technology. Check out the 1922 American silent documentary film Nanook of the North and you’ll see how the Eskimo or People of the Inuit, subdued the sub-zero temperatures of the Arctic and thrived. That film is almost a hundred years old.  … Eskimo Power

Arm Toddlers

|
The shooters need to know who the future traitors are of America.   Smart ass lawyers.

Your car, the Mailbox

|
Amazon sneaks into your car or truck and hides your order inside your vehicle.

Words & Voices

|
words and voices for your pleasure and surprise….

Jaron Summers Orders

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SMILE

|
Here’s a photo of a woman I met last week. A few months ago she was a beautiful and vibrant 23-year-old woman. She is still vibrant and beautiful. She has such a great smile that you almost don’t see how disfigured she is when you meet her.  An angry lover poured acid in her face.  … SMILE

A sinister culture

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Here’s a photo of a woman I met. A few months ago she was a beautiful and vibrant 23 year old woman.   She has such a great smile that you almost don’t see how disfigured she is when you meet her. A smile makes a difference.  If this happened to me I don’t think I could … A sinister culture

A note from Canada’s Most Evil Landlord

|
he likes to be entertained…

Hollywood Insider Secret

|
I gave the executive (who I owe a producing credit to) twenty bucks to convince his boss, a boss in the slammer for cavorting with kids, that my novel would make a terrific film. 

Cut cable: Save Bucks

|
Fly to Wimbledon with the money you save.  Link one of your smartphone to a wifi in England.

The Whooping Moose movie —

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    Want to have your kids learn how to deal with bullies?  Have a look at our movie. Click here        

Annoyed with Old Flames

|
Never underestimate the spunk of a mother-in-law who is almost 100.

The Whooping Moose

|
Confusion over political correctness, vegans, vivisections, bullying and the madness of this millennium, it may be time to consider The Whooping Moose.

An island for my wife ….

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For years Kate and I have spent some of our most fun times in Hawaii and New Zealand. I promised Kate that someday I would buy a small island just for her. Today I did. You can come and visit us. You may also want to sublease a part of our island. I bought it … An island for my wife ….

If you get drunk three times a year …. anything is possible

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THE STORY OF IKEA (I did not write this, someone sent it to me) Tighter than wallpaper… There isn’t any profit sharing here … He lives in a bungalow, flies EasyJet and ‘dries out’ three times a year… the man who founded Ikea and is worth more than $15bn . Self-made man: Ingvar Kamprad with … If you get drunk three times a year …. anything is possible

Bathtubs and Bastards

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Bathtubs & Bastards   Many years ago I dated a lovely single mother who had a five year old boy. Her son enjoyed baths and during these baths the lady would ask her son what he was doing.   Often he’d call back and say, “It’s okay, I’m not drinking the bathtub water.”   And … Bathtubs and Bastards

Wimbledon Silly Rules

|
Umpires or referees or whatever they call themselves could restrict the number of balls used each day at Wimbledon to 18.

Helping the Unfortunate —

|
how can people be so cruel?

Keeping Your Cool in LA

|
Caution — a condenser holds an electric charge. So you need to discharge it. Or you could get a shock.

Correct Use of Floss

|
I asked the world’s best organizer how he keeps track of all his tasks. “Super simple. I link EACH task to my good self with dental floss. For example, I’m making a milk shake now. I simply tie the milkshake maker to one of my toes and I’m linked-in.” He concluded: “I started our dental floss factory where we make ten different colors of dental floss. Bingo. Ten colors of floss per toe. Ten toes. I can accomplish 100 tasks at the same time.”

Long Friendship Secrets

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I keep a journal since it’s fun to see what I did ten or twenty or thirty years ago. When I was a missionary I prayed each day. One day I realized that if there were a god or gods they would have stopped people from creating religions.  Any religion.   Nothing is as detrimental to … Long Friendship Secrets

It’s Curtains for the FBI

|
blending in with the curtains

Advice From A Billionaire

|
Ten minutes, once gone, are gone for good.

Roger Moore and I were both Saints

|
Roger Moore and I were both Saints

Pixel Fucking

|
How about—you write your script, press enter and with the help of AI and digital skulduggery—you create a masterpiece.

Here, have a BLAST!

|
This goof wants to build an ICBM with a nuke in it and aim it at us.  https://goo.gl/iuIftg The problem is that he needs a miniaturized nuke. So with the help of the CIA I could sell him a tiny “nuke.” It would have four dials on its face. A GO button, then three destinations: … Here, have a BLAST!

We cancelled your frequent flier package since you’re dead….

|
No one could have anticipated that Clause 23 would be required

You started it; you stand under it….

|
Idea: Everyone in government gets the same health care as their constituents.   Better Idea: During a nuclear exchange, the authorities have to give up their underground bunkers for kids in kindergarten.    

How to do great in Real Estate

|
I am sending Rex to Russia to conclude my latest deal. I just sold Putin and his pals some worthless land we bought from them in 1867. I doubled our original purchase price. This is a TERRIFIC DEAL.  DT  

Immigration Can Save the world

|
Suppose you live next door to a jerk. And suppose the jerk though you were a jerk. And suppose you were both right. You bickered and swore to burn each other’s house to the ground. And you would have, except your daughter fell in love with the jerk’s son.  And miracle of miracles they had … Immigration Can Save the world

A plea to a “savage” tribe

|
I will also teach you how to write screenplays that we can sell to the major studios.

Try Laughter

|
Our ear ringing lessens, then miracle of miracle, stops. Laughter – best medicine!

EGG FU FUN

|
From the 23rd floor of the Hyatt in Shanghai my wife and I look down on the Egg. A chicken that laid such an egg would stand taller than the Statue of Liberty. Even so, you could not make an omelet large enough from that gargantuan hen to feed the 1.4 billion people in China … EGG FU FUN

Saving The Human Race

|
With the new millennium roaring around us we must solve several serious problems or we’ll not make it as a species for another hundred years, let alone a thousand. Here’s our five major problems: (1) thermonuclear war, (2) the environment, (3) balanced budget, (4) sexual predators in political offices and (5) obesity. Thermonuclear war is … Saving The Human Race

As I lay me down to Sleep

|
Everyone grab half a sleeping person ….

Bombs Make Us Safer

|
We live in a frightening world, don’t we?

Howdy, Gaudi

|
Gaudi’s cathedral is a work in progress like our marriage

Post from Barcelona

|
He counted out four more sheets. He was grim about it.

The power of the mind —

|
There are lots of ways to get what you want.  One way is to go to Mars so that intergalactic war can begin.

keep on truckin’

|
Millions of truck drivers create tens of millions of job. But there is a huge shortage of drivers according to The Wall Street Journal. And those jobs cannot be shipped overseas. I beg to differ.  Pilots fly drones halfway around the world.   Let ’em drive trucks.   A clever guy in the shade of the … keep on truckin’

Finally, after almost a century … I have the desk

|
He gave me a damn fine whipping employing a large switch that somehow reached my vulnerable little bum

Your word for today: Sam-suing

|
Samsung’s latest evil invention

Will The Machines Win?

|
The phone that I knew as a boy has morphed into a magical device that we take for granted. But the machines are just starting.

Save $75 and protect your nest egg

|
Maybe there’s something to the notion that inflation will do us in.

Attachments

|
“Slip this into your pocket, don’t make it obvious. When you get home, check out the first star to the right of the nine.”

NASA & LDS COVER-UP

|
of the 12 people who have landed on the moon, all were female.

Mankind: Just A Blip?

|
“So what are you going to do about it?” asked Donald Rabbit. “Reprogram me?”

Solemates

|
I was warned that if they came into the store not to wait on them and call security.

Throw out the Drones!

|
Most of us are worker bees.

A Shocking Situation at BYU

|
I discovered something that has shaken my confidence, my faith, and my soul, to the core.

Spec screenplay sales – long shots, real long

|
— my friend, you will have a meeting that week. The single purpose in that meeting will be to meet Mr. Hopkins.

Costco – near death experience

|
Let’s see if you can tell where I started to make stuff up.

John & Sophie Henning

|
About all that is left after 75 years … at least memories.

This is a test —

|
I wonder how this looks.  especially with this. 

Jesus’ Facebook: 11 Followers; 1 Stalker

|
Have A Listen: sat test This link gets you a free copy of the narration, and a free trial membership in Audible.  Already a member?  I have some review copies while they last.  email: jaronbs@gmail.com  Thanks!

Something to go with your Naked Ass

|
hey pay $3,000 for aged ripped jeans

President Bernie … gulppppppppppp

|
Trump challenged Bernie to a televised sex contest ….

How do the Pearly Gates Work?

|
Is it true? No, by definition a novel is fiction. However, many of the thing I fictionalized were based on amazing experiences I had in NZ.

Elder Wonder has a VOICE!

|
Jack Wynters gives my favorite character a wonderful voice.

Mother Nature Loves Hockey

|
Mother Nature likes hockey. I know she likes hockey because I have seen and handled the tar that holds the oil.

Travel warning from a friend ….

|
Thank you for your dire warning about flying almost half way around the world.

Bernie Wins! Las Vegas / 6:48 pm / October 13 / 2015

|
My prediction — last edited 10/26/15 — Bernie will be the next US president

BERNIE

|
We have a winner. Bernie Sanders leapt from Bernie the candidate, to Bernie the statesman.

How things roll at our home in Alberta

|
We have eyes everywhere. Maybe even drones.

Evil Landlord INC

|
We have a home in Edmonton that we rent to grad students. Recently after weeks of negotiating–a possible tenant came in with a last minute offer, far below what we had agreed to. She said she already had a better place …. I sent her the following. Hi June, Kate and I are delighted that … Evil Landlord INC

Peek in Jaron’s peculiar brain for fun ….

|
    Click on that button below

Roll the Dice ….

|
The more he drank, the friendlier he became. He liked that I recognized him and chuckled at a couple of things I said. For an hour he knocked back booze and I sipped a Coke.

Writing Quotes more than 200 years old

|
Read over your compositions and where ever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.

No one but a blockhead ever wrote for free *

|
You can make a 100 times more money writing this way than blogging.

An adult riddle … naked in the shower

|
Adult Riddle. After everyone left the shower it was discovered that one of them was pregnant.

a note to all housemates at 11457 78 avenue

|
Very good, send me a note that says: “Got it” and you can have a seven dollar latte or take that much off your rent.  The offer ends at noon MST,  June 25, 2015. Now it’s over

I’m back already….? Return Trip Effect explained

|
COLD SHRINKS STUFF. And this proves that global warming is false! You heard it here first.

Let’s Start with Money

|
There was a whirring sound and I looked up and saw a television camera move in one of the palms trees. It looked like a metal monkey with a big eye. It saw me at the same time I saw it; we stared uneasily at each other.

Notes my mother made of her life

|
All I can remember about Uncle Ben is that he was fat and ate lard and sugar on his bread, we loved him, and he was jolly and good to us.

Puppy Love

|
Who they love and where they live becomes the graph of most people’s lives. However, Mother’s life, a life of almost a century, was defined by the dogs that lived with her.

My Kind of Town — Edmonton

|
Saturday morning was the first time we had ever met and I had known him for only twenty-five minutes. But what a golden twenty-five minutes.

The Breadbox Home or Latest Bucket List

|
Using ancient Asian folding concepts I refined the concept of the tiny house so that all my possessions and living quarters can be contained in a bucket.

Americans take Superior position

|
California is working on a plan to siphon zillions of gallons of water from Lake Superior to LA. Honest. Lake Superior is one of the deepest lakes in the world. It has ten per cent of the fresh surface water of Planet Earth.

Outdead – the flip side of outlive

|
Think plastic bags. Today they’re for carrying oranges home from a farmer’s market; tomorrow the bags are part of a super highway or a giant death ball plugging up some ocean.

I want one of these….

|
This caboose of 1941 belonged to Great Northern. Check out what the new owners did.

How to Save Money and Buy Lunch

|
it’s complicated thermodynamics. And simple economics

NSA helpers ….

|
the nsa has a secret weapon — you!

NSA helpers —

|
These ‘freelance spies’ are recording conversations around New York City http://www.theverge.com/2015/5/24/8652925/freelance-spies-nsa-recording-conversations-nyc

STATS

|
Are we playthings? Could it be humans were created by an alien race and we’re part of some goofy advanced culture’s computer games?

The Hummingbird

|
I had a college roommate who possessed good looks and charisma. He exuded passion. In college he felt that taxes were unconstitutional because he believed the government had been taken over by a ruthless organization which was in turn controlled by a group of powerful industrialists. These industrialists used kings and….

How to Teach Your Children to Love

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I’ve often wondered how parents teach their children to love.he other day I found one way. I was writing a screenplay with a former undercover Mountie Sergeant Dalton Taggart. He, his wife and two teenage sons live in Victoria, and I had a wonderful time staying with them and working on the movie. The two Taggart boys…

Baby Talk

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Most parents have no business raising children. They labor under total illusion as to their offsprings’ intellect.Take my friends, the Thors, who invited me to meet their new baby, Liam.I had no wish to meet any baby. (One does not have to be a rocket scientist to realize that few children under eight years are not human when it…

Hooked on a Feeling

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Boxers have left hooks and right crosses. Or is it left crosses and right hooks? Anyway, for me, there will only be one kind of hook, and that’s Charlie Taggart’s right hook. Charlie had an iron hook, the result of a boyhood flirtation with dynamite that almost blew him off the map.I will always be indebted to Charlie …

Word From Outer Space

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Being a CB radio operator, when I heard static coming from the Hale-Bopp Comet, I homed in on it.I was astonished to make contact with someone lurking behind the comet. Following is a transcript of our conversation:”This is Do,” said a frail voice through the ether.”Are you the leader of that cult that killed…

The Dinosaur

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He died Sunday, October 10, in Edmonton. His family had sold his house and he had moved into the Waterford, an assisted living complex. He stayed there barely a week and then had to return to the Grey Nuns Hospital and intensive care.His short-term memory was burned out, but I could get him back on track by talking…

Darrell Jones

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When you go to college you meet people and if you’re lucky one or two often become friends. In my case I met three guys. We become friends for life. We were roommates at BYU together. There was Darrell, Kent and Dennis. I was very lucky.Darrell Jones made a hundred times more money than the other three…

Candle in a Hurricane

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Stina Thor’s family and friends said goodbye to her, September 14, 2002 in Malibu. She was born in 1958. When I met her in 1968 I would have bet she was going to live forever. Stina had everything. Brains, beauty, humor, an infectious enthusiasm for life and she really cared about people. Her father, Larry Thor, was my professor at UCLA.

PO List

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We have some dear friends in Australia and they are going to have a grandchild in a few months. The mother-to-be often wonders what her baby might be thinking about or saying. I was able to contact the child and here are the things the child wants in a few months. Hi Mom, Just a quick note to let you know how things are going.

Head Phones

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Dear Lowell, I’ve always enjoyed using your services. Your mission statement says: “… committed to providing full and open communication with our customers, employees, and investors.” But what about multi-headed customers?

Simple Brain Surgery

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Recently, a dear friend, Gary Dartnall (the executive producer of a film I wrote), became effusive with his praise when I handed in some rewrites. Gary also took to bursting into upbeat songs and I noticed he was tipping waiters more than five per cent. It was obvious to both the director and me that Gary was slipping…

Elk Breakout

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Dear Fellow Nature Lover — Each time Kate and I go to the national parks in Canada we hear stories of Elk that escape the parks by rolling over the Texas Cattle Gates. I wanted to see if it was possible for an Elk to do this and get a photo of it. Many days I waited and waited…

Mob Rule Some Wild Stats

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I make the astonishing observation that cell phones (mobile phones) caused the murder rate to drop annually from 2,200 to 500 in New York. Of course, I know nothing about statistics but neither do statisticians. Still, if you look at when the NY murder rate started to plummet (around 1995), you will see that’s when cell phone saturation hit almost…

Mob Rule

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You know, talking to friends and colleagues about rumors and happenings. Meaningless babble. Apparently we are hard-wired to stand around the water cooler and chew the fat since in the good old days knowing what was going on, saved having our own fat from being chewed up. “Say did you hear Uncle Henry was eaten at ….

Ultimate Diplomacy

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Some become diplomats through birth. Others through dedicated education and focused study. A few geniuses, such as myself, achieve statesmanship (the ultimate diplomacy) through pure genius. I won’t give details and examples, Gentle Reader, for that would insult your intelligence. I am sure you are aware Prince Phillip…

3 Passports

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Yep. I have three passports. US. Canada and GB. No, I’m not a spy except in my dreams in which I pilot my personal flying saucer. I love England, Canada and the USA. And wisely picked the correct grandparents so that I ended up a citizen of all three countries. Having three passports has caused me some….

On Tap

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Tools. The things that separate men from beasts. Using ominous and shiny tools, dentists can hammer fresh incisors into your head after some miscreant uses a tire iron (auto tool) to smash in your porcelain caps (bite tools) because your wallet (money tool) contained only ….

Dublin

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Suggestions on how to see and enjoy Dublin, Ireland. We like to stay in one place and get to know the locals. Kate’s Prime Rule: Unpack and re-pack once per country. Go to www.airbnb.com and look …

Pay Off

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I had not been in a Chase bank for several years and was surprised to be welcomed by a young lady. I showed her our latest mortgage bill. She pointed to a teller. “Make your monthly payment there, Jaron.” “Okay. I’m going to pay it all off.

Tracy

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Occasionally, when scammers play games with me, I see how far I can go with them.

Every 100 Years

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It would be a singular honor for the town to have me address the expected throngs—present and past lovers of Coronation. 3,000+ guests are expected. The town will be aswarm with visitors. Many are aware that I have written short stories about Coronation. Additionally, countless old friends are…

Every 100 Years (Part 2)

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Background: Coronation, Canada (pop. 999), celebrates its centennial and I’m invited to speak. I confide to anyone who will listen, including the postman and gardener, that I’m the keynote speaker and guest of honor.My wife, Kate, has her doubts, plus it’s going to cost us a bucket of bucks to get back to my hometown … more expensive by…

S.O.S.: State of Security

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I listen to senators and garbage collectors referring to themselves as public servants and my mind immediately substitutes public enemy and their faces turn to a twisted image of Jimmy Cagney as a two-bit gangster.America, once a magical country, has stopped producing anything much except weapons of war and…

LA Travel Tips

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Kate and I saw a sensational play, DRIVE, by a friend of ours, Laura Black. DRIVE makes you think. At least it did us. But not everyone agrees it’s a great play. I read a mean spirited review of DRIVE. Here’s what I thought of the ….

Anthony Weiner

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I’m disgusted that everyone’s making crude jokes about our legally (former) Elected Official: Anthony W**ner . I am starting a contest. First prize is a box of delicious Sees chocolates. Only three rules.

19

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As you know we rent five rooms to mostly grad students in our home in Edmonton. The housemates decide who can move in. We have one guy from OZ who is into computers and artificial intelligence.

Leaving…

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Jacko Chessman, California career criminal, at the Flyaway bus ticket window, mulled over his last two decades in the Golden State. “I adore Southern California,” said Mr. Chessman, who served twelve of the last twenty years behind bars. “Truth is, our worst lock-ups beat most world-class resorts. You got the best climate on…

Kona Notes

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My wife, Kate, and I often spend time in Kona. Here are a few notes on the place. notes-1 Sun 30/01/11 – my journal … Kate and I are in Kona looking after chickens, dogs, cats and fending off wild pigs at the 1200 foot level of the island.

Vegas Report

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Kate and I flew to Las Vegas for one day and two nights—my only gal cousin, Pris, is living there with her husband. It was her birthday. We saw the water show for free at the Bellagio. Best thing to watch in Vegas. We spent no money gambling. The Eiffel tower is newer than the one they have in Paris. A security guard told me…

Woogly World

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Historians will examine this decade to determine what went woogly. Someone will have to take responsibility for the disappeared dollars (about twenty trillion) and, the beginning of the ice age. And, oh yes, the raging cannibalism when the starving masses realized lawyers could constitute fine sources of protein.

R.I.P. Bin Laden

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When the Twin Towers disappeared in flames many thought a bunch of stupid and cowardly terrorists did it. Me? I felt that it was one of the cleverest sneak attacks that the world had ever seen and that the people behind it—although the personification of evil—were smart. And brave.

The Devil May Care

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And it came to pass that Mr. and Mrs. God got up. It was a bright and sparkly day. (One advantage in living a few hundred yards from the sun.) devil-1″You didn’t sleep well, did you?” asked Mrs. God….

Penguin Love Nest

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Hi There! I am looking for a room to rent mainly on Thursday afternoon to evening. Could be other days rarely. My girlfriend and I would be meeting there. I would prefer following but not MUST: 1) Should be able to get a key to access this room so that I don’t have to bother someone to open it for me.

Clutter Control

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My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses. Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor. I hired a professional organizer, Sally Wigglesworth. Now I may be facing homicide charges.

2011

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My wife and I do not have any children and we are sad about this. But we are even more sad about the number of children our friends are producing. It was not easy, but after we received the above Christmas card I wrote the following to the man who was responsible for these 28 children. Has he no shame?

Whale Tale

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The waters off the coast of Kona, Hawaii are said to be magical. And I have a story about that magic. It involves gypsies, a piper and a whale. The gypsies live in Kona and live to play music and conquer the sea — which was always the dream of their father. They laugh a lot.

E-mails? Nope.

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A friend found this Rolodex* of Hollywood legends. I bet it’s 50+ years old. So how did these stars become so famous without using e-mail or owning cell phones? * it was called a Wheeldex.

Aliens

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We’ve been looking for them for most of my life and with little success. Make that no success. Until recently we sent out signals to reach out and touch someone or something. This seems to me to be a little dangerous. Kind of the like Bambi mailing mapquest directions of his home to the Big Bad Wolf. It’s lucky the Klingons didn’t get

Kona Coffee

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Our friend harvests and roasts the best coffee in the world. The bad news: he only has 200 pounds each year. He and his wife produce Kona coffee for their family and friends each Christmas….

Officer Bubbles

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Hi, I am a Canadian Citizen and have paid my full and fairly honest taxes for many years. Partial confession. I am not perfect. When I was ten I stole Lifesavers (peppermint) from our local grocer in Didsbury, Alberta, and although I was under a cloud of suspicion for over a year, I was never apprehended…

The Double Bookmark

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My wife is a book thief. I bring home a thriller and even though we have 1000s of them she hooks my latest book and reads it. Then I find the purloined novel, and start to read it. Of course I lose her place.

Dr. Paul

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I might live to be a hundred he says. “But then again, there’s a chance I won’t. ”He taps a cigarette from a pack and touches a match to the tobacco and inhales deeply. Now in his 81st year, Doug Paul, MD, contemplates death, something—he, as a medical doctor—has battled against all of his life. Until recently that battle has been fought on behalf of others.

Down Under 75 Above

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New Zealand is the most beautiful and safest place in the world. Add to this a winter average temperature of 75 degrees and you have paradise. My wife and I just returned from Auckland, New Zealand. We were there for the shortest day of its year – June 21. In the Southern Hemisphere everything is backwards. Their winter is our summer and so on.

Free

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Dear Mary, Thank you for your lovely thoughts. I assure you that the talent and charm you attribute to me simply proves that you possess great imagination and compassion. So just go ahead and start writing

Pearl

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I usually concentrate on writing humorous pieces. Recently, though, I haven’t felt like writing funny stuff, since I’ve been thinking a lot about the death of my mother, Pearl. I miss her. She was wise and funny and compassionate. Born in 1903, she weathered all the depressions—

Gotcha

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There’s a novel way to deal with people like me who may soon be faced with dementia and/or Alzheimer’s. According to the Telegraph in Great Britain, the Benrath Senior Centre in Düsseldorf, Germany had problems with patients wandering off. Residents, because of short term memory loss, inevitably forgot why they had left the facilities.

Sera

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To save you reading the same things over and over — I will highlight Sera’s email. I will not highlight my stuff because it’s all brilliant and original. Jaron Let me know if the room/apt you advertise on craigslist.com is still available and let me know if you can

Too Much Stuff

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My wife, Kate, and I hate to throw stuff away. If you want to see why, look at the following film. Now if you really want to see why things can’t continue as they are, have a look at this:

Chase Your $$$$

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Chase Customer Service Rep (Chase): Good morning. We are recording this to maintain customer satisfaction. Jaron: Great. I was going through my online banking and I see that I paid you $450 two weeks ago. Last night you rejected my online deposit. Chase: Correct. That is why you still owe

Access Beats Ownership

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I recently told you there was a way to get some of the cheese, the cheese being the money and/or real property in a world that offers diminishing jobs and spiraling inflation. I think by now you realize that my philosophy is to work for yourself. There are many reasons for this but one of the best ones is that when you work for yourself you have

Ponzi

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Let us begin with a small Ponzi scheme. Bernie Madoff put one together – we all know he bilked sophisticated investors out of fifty billion dollars. He is going to jail for forever and day. Everyone knows how a Ponzi scheme works. Essentially you persuade people to let you invest their money and then you put it in your pocket. You pay the people who invested

Scholars

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If you are looking for the smartest scholars in the world come to my home, within walking distance of The University of Alberta. I rent rooms to four grad students who attend the great campus. I would put my four fellows up against any group of scholars who have ever lived. Aristotle, Einstein, Hawking. It would not matter. My lads – in their sleep

Home by U of A

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Old world charm & hi-tech delights Three blocks from the campus, Features 50-inch HDTV, wi-fi, hardwood floors, spacious bedrooms and nearby bus and LRT.

Dr. Juliet

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Recently I ran an ad to rent a room in our home in Edmonton. I was lucky enough to find a possible renter. Meet Juliet. (I’ve highlighted her info and questions.) ***********

Dr. Juliet 2

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Back Story — I advertise a home for rent in Edmonton. An internet scammer, Juliet, has tried to hook me into sending her money — These scammers send out 1,000s of emails to people on Craigslist who often just want to help students and earn enough money to survive.

Dr. Juliet 3

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My wife and I rent our Alberta home to grad students. An internet scammer, “Dr.” Juliet, attempts to trick us into sending her some money. I convince Juliet I am crazy but gullible. And maybe a dirty old man. (Little does she know how close to the truth this is.)

We Dance for You

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Kate, my wife, and our friends Larry and Bev do a St. Patty’s jig for you. Which one am I? Hint: there’s two of me.

American Express

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The secret of getting money back from a large and powerful corporation is: 1. Go to the top guy and make him feel good. 2. Illustrate you have been a good customer. 3. Tell him your problem and go for a

B & B

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My wife, Kate, and I toyed with buying a bed and breakfast lodge in Ontario. Our realtor recommended a property owned by a Mrs. X in one of the most lovely spots of the world, Niagara-on-the-Lake. During the Shaw Festival accommodations are at a premium and

Shab

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I am not sure where he came from or how he learned to do what he did but he was one of the most bizarre characters who ever settled in our village. He was an electrician … … who resembled a Sumo wrestler with a French name, and how he learned about electricity I don’t know.

The Sod Hut

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They say nothing ever happened in Coronation but I heard stories about the Gent from Geneva, who in the late 1940s, arrived in Alberta. This guy, I think his name was Franz, had seen a travelogue of Western Canada. Its majestic Rocky Mountains gave Franz the idea that moving to Alberta was like living in Switzerland….

Bart

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They say nothing happened in Coronation but they must have been out of town one Saturday night in 1960. The evening started out dull, not much to do but watch a movie at The Avalon, the town’s only theater, or maybe wander over to the Chinese cafe and have a cold Coke and a warm piece of pie. Then eat it slowly and wonder what would become of you.

Wild Echoes

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They say nothing happens in Coronation. They are certainly not goose hunters. Coronation is on the fly path of millions of geese that migrate between the Arctic and Mexico each year. There were a lot when I lived there in the 50s.

The Glow of A Father

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A dentist charged me $650 for a gold crown the other day. I thought of my father. It’s curious what links men to their fathers. Usually it’s hockey or baseball or camping. With Dad and me it was teeth. My father was a dentist in Edmonton

Our Man In Cairo

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I am one of a handful of Canadians with a valid passport. As a matter of fact, I have two passports. Let me explain. Passport Canada is terrified that it might issue a passport to a bad person. This has forced Passport Canada

Who Am I Now?

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People I trusted lost my identity and it’s in the hands of person’s unknown or a spy. It all began about five months ago when I applied for a Canadian passport. After only three attempts and four months, Canada issued me a passport but—well, you can see what happened

End Game

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Background. After months of mind games (using electron microscopes to find fly specs on my head shot so it could reject my application and destroy our travel plans), Passport Canada reluctantly awarded me a new passport but sent my driver’s license and birth certificate to a stranger, Mr. X. They also sent me Mr. X’s old passport

Passport Woes

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By the way, I visited your website and there is a terrific photo of you. You are beautiful and you don’t have a single wrinkle. What a marvelous smile you have. As soon as I saw your photo I trusted you. Of course you couldn’t use that photo on your passport. It could land you in the slammer.

Room 4 Rent

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We have a house in Edmonton that we rent to students. Occasionally scammers send us phony cashier’s checks. They insist on paying more than we ask for the place. AKA: advance rent fraud. They instruct us to send the difference

180 words benefits of global warming

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Note to self: When buying co-ops in New York go for something above the fifth floor. Perhaps global warming will cause the oceans to rise and New York will be underwater and you will drown on lower floors. Logical? Nope. Within a New York second of the Atlantic’s rise Washington will hire a bunch of Dutch engineers to build dikes along the

3 AM

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Every night for the last 40 years or so I get up around 3 AM and go to the bathroom. I always think of things to write about. Lately I have been writing them down. What would happen if you got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and you stubbed your toe just as…

ZZZ-Answer

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Do I really think we should all hibernate for most of the winter? No, I guess not. But what would happen if we stayed in bed a bit longer? It worked for Hugh Hefner and of course Winston Churchill spent much of his time in bed, working away.

180 words ZZZzzz

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My grandmother went to bed in the fall, stayed there until the spring. Then in mid-May my mother and uncle would throw open the shutters and get Grandma up for the summer. This went on for twenty years. Had Grandma been born in the..

Halifax Hustle

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The chaos was worsening. The loons on St. Margaret’s Bay sang silly songs in the Nova Scotia fog. A phone rang and McDuff, 71 and overweight, sat bolt upright. He felt insignificant on his huge Simmons Beautyrest memory foam bed in the corner of his massive second floor suite. Nestled beside McDuff his third wife Danielle, 35,

If We Talk

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Not that far in the future, a few years after the kids learned to use surface-plus computers … the Armed Forces of Earth offered a course called War Animation for Peace (WAP). The course was a hit with the younger cyber crowd. It took six years of intense dedication and you learned how to annihilate computer-generated space invaders.

Perfect crime…

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His wife annoyed him. Nagging. Leaving the garbage for him to take out. Substituting skim milk for cream in his tea. He decided to off her. Things could go wrong. Also, husbands were always the…

Better than Winning the Lotto…

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After being a writer for 40 years, I’ve learned the right words enable us to connect to our own humanity. Take Peter Reede. He’s a middle aged man who lives in a tiny flat in Devonport at the edge of Auckland, New Zealand.

China Drill

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Dear President Jintao, We have dozens of highly motivated and trained scientists working for us in our pursuit to equalize the great discrepancies that exist among nations. For some time now we have felt that China is the future of mankind. We are committed to do whatever it takes to

Stormy Youth

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Ever suffer from Astraphobia—fear of lightning and thunder? I don’t. Although there are lots of things I am terrified of—such as being attacked by giant spiders who inject my body with some kind of stun juice so they or their offspring can eat me later.

Trapped in The Great Pyramid

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According to Greek mythology the first sphinx lived in the suburbs of Thebes and killed anyone who failed to solve the riddles she posed. I wish she were around now, because I have a riddle for her. My riddle started about fifty years ago, as I was drinking a Coke in the Hong Kong

Cult Quiz

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1- Do you believe your God speaks to you and guides you? 2- Do you believe your God directs your leaders? 3- Has your God given you a list of things to do in order to become a better person?

Go Green

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Fred Fünkendiddle was into green. “The most important thing we can do for the planet is conserve Mother Nature’s resources,” Fred Fünkendiddle said to his wife. “But Darling, I recycle everything. I am a strict vegetarian and I read only in sunlight to conserve power.”

Bill Meilen

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Bill Meilen told me that the difference between a wedding and a funeral in Wales is one less drunk. At the time he was gravely ill but even so his humor did not fail him. Days later on September 4, 2006, Bill, 73, died. My wife, Kate, and I attended his funeral in downtown Vancouver, B.C.

FORD — R.I.P.

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President Ford had a lot to say about certain politicians—in nearly all cases his remarks were made to reporters with the stipulation that they not be revealed until after Mr. Ford’s death. Ford said Carter was a “disaster” and our best president was Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Happy Birthday, Georgia

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I went to lunch with Jimmy Huston and one of his daughters, Georgia. Jimmy took a package to post before lunch. I said that he didn’t need any stamps and suggested he simply leave it on the street. Some kind soul would deliver it or mail it.

World History – Lesson 2

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As you will recall I decided to write a history book that is easy enough for any nine year old to understand. Becki, a distant cousin, is about nine. (History lesson 1) Becki wrote me back a nice letter about our forefathers. Here is my answer to her, along with lesson 2.

Becki’s History of the World

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I decided to write a history book for any (smarter than average) nine year old a decade or so ago. Becki, a cousin, was about nine and she was smarter than average. Way smarter. Now she’s a lawyer.

A Silver Dollar, a Tub and a Wedding

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My father, Jack Summers, and Uncle Bill stand between the bridesmaid and Aunt Ivy (the bride in blue). My father had murder on his mind. Thomas Wolff once said “You can’t go back,” and Edward Albee said, “There are no second acts in American lives.”

Mercy Stone

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What is the Mercy Stone™? Testimonials Killing with the Mercy Stone™ User Groups

Simplify, Simplify, Simplify,

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My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses. Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor. Help was on the way…. Or so we thought.

The Hollywood Fast Lane

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She was a gentle and beautiful child (albeit precocious) when she and her mother moved into our condos here at Goofy Acres in Los Angeles. We called her Duh because whenever anyone put to her a question such as – “Isn’t it lovely today?” she would always say something like, “Well, Duh, the sun is out.”

Merry Xmas from Your Banker

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We charge a nominal $20 overdraft fee (plus interest). The unpaid interest on the dollar is 18 percent. This means that we must wait a full four years to double our money.

Roof Rat

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Notes from the homeowner – I heard scratching noises above the ceiling tiles. The roof rat was back. There was a hole in the wall by the top of the bookcase that looked like the access that the rat used. I placed glue-pads on the bookcase

A Bit of a Pickle

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Charlie Pickle specialized in refrigeration. He was working after hours and he tumbled into a vat of brine and was electrocuted and then frozen to death by some kind of automated machinery in this pickle factory. What would be the chances of a guy

Travel Controls

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Max Wayward was the first person publicly executed in California as a result of the Travel Controls & Restrictions Act of 2007. The governor of California presided over a television special, showing authorities strapping a sedated Wayward to a green gurney as a medical doctor pumped blue liquid into his main artery.

The Big Picture

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The third planet had turned into a tiny sun and the aliens were sad to see the end of the human race. What had gone wrong? Toward the end of their reign on earth, the humans argued incessantly over a couple of fun subjects. One was evolution, the other was Intelligent

To Live Forever

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The old man was fabulously rich, having acquired his wealth making puzzles and riddles. In the few weeks (or was it hours?) that the old man had left, he summoned the brightest inventors in the world to his deathbed and said he had one last riddle, or was it a request?

Bold Alberta Finance

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An open letter to the premier of Alberta: Our provincial government earns way over a billion dollars annually from oil. Using a revolutionary concept that I devised (after my 9th Tony Roberts Seminar) we could turn that paltry sum into over 100 billion dollars (real money).

War of the Worlds

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I usually have the greatest admiration for Steven Spielberg, a film genius. War of the Worlds. Its best feature is the voice over by Morgan Freeman. The guy could convince me that my wife is perfect. He has that kind of power. He’s so good that he could probably convince my wife that I’m perfect.

Magic Waters of the Rockies

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Above us an enormous snowflake hovers in the vibrant air of the Canadian Rockies. The snowflake, Sputnik-sized, is a white octagon—supported by eight pillars encircling a shimmering pool. As my wife, Kate, and I float in the pool, we hear relaxing harmonies as…

The Beauty of it All

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I’m not a bawl baby but a sunset moves me to tears…and perhaps, larceny. Sunday at Kinkos. Two employees kibitzed at the rear counter. “Would you make a few copies for me?” I asked. “Use the self-service copiers, Dude,

My Wife Keeps Cussing

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My wife, Kate, came across a few notes that I had scribbled. Here is what she read – “It’s amazing how tiny decisions change our lives. “You take your dog for a walk and he shakes his lead and you end up running into an old friend.

Crocodile Hunter

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I spent a fun weekend with Steve Irwin, the Australian Crocodile Hunter. Recently, he was criticized for “introducing” his newborn to a man-eating croc. Steve and Terry (his beautiful wife) have repeatedly risked their lives (along with their kids) to provide TV viewers

Keeping Abreast of the Red Planet

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As most earthlings know we now have two rovers, roving across the surface of Mars. Both are looking for water because water will prove that life could have existed on Mars. Once we can establish that water was on Mars, we may be able to prove that cowboys and ranchers inhabited the red planet many years ago.

The Friendly Skies

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Once upon a time there was a clever CEO (let’s call him Glenn) who ran one of the most successful airlines in the world (let’s call it United Airlines). Now into our story comes Patricia. She’s 46 with two teenagers and, sad to say, she’s been a widow for a few years. Patricia is a United Airlines flight attendant with an MA in languages and,

Misunderstanding

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Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted to a possible faux pas in his dealings with women prior to winning the governorship in The Golden State of California. “My sin, if you could call it that, is in the past, I categorized women. I am very sorry for that. No group of people should be grouped together without…

Bankruptcy Terminated

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In 2010, Little Arnold, sat down at his Apple computer. It was a G-22, way better than the clunky G-5 of the early 2000s. There were a lot of other children in the kindergarten class. Most of them were named Arnold. Some were called “Arnie” and a few went by “Termy” ¾short for Terminator.

Suffer the Little Children

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Veronica was a beautiful five-year-old blonde with a smile that could subdue the most dastardly curmudgeon. The child was blessed with parents who adored her. You could reason with Veronica. Perhaps because they had experienced “tough love” as children, the parents

Model Spokesperson

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Supermodel Niki Bassett divides her hectic life between New York runways and faraway Ethiopia. Ms. Bassett, who earns $100,000 a day posing for clients such as Victoria’s Secret, returned via private jet from Ethiopia where she had addressed indigenous groups in an effort to raise the consciousness of women…

Open the Poles

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In a surprise strategy that stunned the nation, President Bush announced his new running mate for 2004 is Saddam Hussein. “I promised to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Who knows more about their locations than Saddam Hussein? When he’s on our team he’ll take us to those hidden bunkers…

Baghdad’s B&B

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As my loyal readers know I am in Baghdad covering the second of the three Gulf Wars. The bombs are raining down and blowing appendages about but, to be honest, I am more concerned about the shabby manner that I am being treated in the Mohammed Motel in downtown Baghdad.

Interview with a Human Shield

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Mr. Martin Shield, 43, born in Seattle, Washington, is an Episcopalian and pacifist. During the last decade Mr. Shield has repeatedly placed himself in harms way to bring injustices to the attention of the world. He has paid a steep price for his

What’s in a Name?

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George Mohammed, a world-famous linguist, is a Persian-American who has spent most of his life working with the United Nations. Now 64, Dr. Mohammed faces the greatest challenges of his career. He is in charge of renaming various parts of Iraq to mirror the recent regime change.

The Future of Us

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The beginning of the end of the world might have been in Vietnam when a general explained he had to destroy the village of Ben Suc in order to save it. A few decades later, actually only a heartbeat in terms of the so called indomitable human spirit, the most powerful nation in the world fell upon a nasty dictator who possessed..

Cell Phones & Sweet Spots

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According to Michael Powell, head of the FCC, effective June 1, 2003, California will be the ninth state to ban walking while talking on a cellular phone. Mr. Powell said the annual 2,600 deaths caused by drivers who use cell phones is trivial in comparison to those who walk & talk.

Shoebox Filing

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When it comes to organizing our lives, we use the modified shoebox method around our household. We scribble Bills on the end of a shoebox—we stuff all our financial stuff into it. We have shoeboxes for everything but our shoes. Footwear we put in apple boxes. I don’t know why.

The Longest Bookstore

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Between Christmas 2002 and the New Year, Kate and I journeyed a thousand miles up the Amazon of South America. We employed a native dugout canoe. We took on the deadly Amazon because we wanted to explore the second..

Nostradamus and 9-11

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Born in the early 16th century, Nostradamus wrote poems with four lines, quatrains. Notradamus Qnostradamus1uatrains were French but they also contained Italian and Greek and Latin. Many scholars (I, among them) feel these quatrains predict the future…

This Little Piggy

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CNN: Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the suspected mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks and a senior operative in Osama bin Laden’s al-Qaida network, was captured Saturday in a joint raid by CIA and Pakistani agents.

Christmas in Barbados

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Our crew on the Olympia Voyager had warned and re-warned us of the perils of exploring the 166-square mile island-country on our own, emphasizing and reemphasizing that the only safe way to explore the home of the world’s oldest rum (Mount Gay—300 years and still going strong) was under the guidance of a certified Oylmpia Voyager excursion

Passing on the Flame

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Our university graduates are crackerjacks. The best. Take the four young men who rent our house—sterling Canadians to whom I will pass the flame. The men, ages 22 to 30, have collectively racked up 75 years of education. They communicate in twenty

Flipping Houses

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After I was fired as assistant foreman of the poultry farm, I decided to go into the real estate industry. (Over the last twelve years I have purchased most of the real estate courses available on late night cable shows.) The basis of these courses is to show

Send in the Clones

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News Item:  The Iraqi government has enlisted Saddam Hussein look-alikes in an effort to thwart assassination attempts on their leader. In a secret section of Iraq, Saddam Hussein strolled past the his many clones, standing ramrod straight.

Extreme Phone Sex

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The cellular phone or cell is the world’s most successful sex prop. Body language is what counts in the mating game and extreme posturing is what the cell encourages. You’ve seen the TV ads. Astonished nerd assumes beautiful

Advice to the Young Writer

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There are Seven Writing Secrets. Ha—surprise. If you promise Seven anything Secrets, people will read you. (See? I’ve gotten you this far….) Now, onto writing secrets…. Ryan, early 20s, the nephew of an old

Colorful Characters

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I recently spent several days in the world’s friendliest city, New York. The town is coming back like a lion and the colorful residents turned out to be some of the most helpful I have ever had the pleasure to spend time with. If the terrorists thought they have brought the city to its knees those terrorists were sadly mistaken.

Auto be a Law

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As readers of this column may recall my wife recently committed an error that resulted in the theft of our Acura Legend. The person who stole our favorite car was charged with operating a vehicle without the permission of the owner. In California this is a misdemeanor equivalent to spitting in public.

Auto Be More Assertive

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I have always thought that love was more important than possessions so I was understanding when the action (or should I say, non-action) of Kate, my wife, resulted in a car “accident.” The car was an Acura Legend that I took very good care of. Each Saturday morning I lugged a bucket of soapy hot water to the garage so that Kate…

The Boy With The Large Head (Part-2)

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They say nothing happens in Coronation. I proved the fallacy of this in Part l. Part 2 concludes this amazing story that had its roots in Coronation. As you will recall I promised to explain how George, a boyhood acquaintance with an enormous head, became the subject of a bizarre investigation by the Royal Canadian

The Curious Case of the Boy With The Large Head

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Freddie and Winnie produced two children. A boy, George, was born with a gigantic head. He was a hydrocephalic. The kids branded him Humpty Dumpty.

Blessed Are the Children

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Dear Mr. Yasser Arafat, As the leader of the Holy Roman Empire, I and the rest of the civilized world, are appalled by your encouraging suicide bombers, little more than children, to enter various pizza restaurants in the state of Israel, blow themselves up and kill innocent citizens. Isn’t there something we can do to..

Somebody

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My wife, Kate, never gets angry with me. And I never get angry or even impatient with her. You see, whenever we speak, we always refer to somebody else. Let me give you an example. When I came home the other day,

St. Patrick’s Day

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If you want to have an ancient Celtic wedding you need three things. Two people to agree to marry each other and a druid. Finding two people to marry each other is achievable. Locating a druid is a bit of a puzzle. No druids are listed in the yellow page.

Gimme a (Coffee) Break

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Although I am in prison, I am innocent. The one thing I might be guilty of is living The American Dream. I hit upon a legal and (if I do say so myself) an ingenious method to earn $6,000 a day using cats and several items that anyone could purchase.

The World’s Best Directors

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A friend of mine invited me to attend the Directors Guild of America in Los Angeles and listen to their five nominees for Outstanding Directorial Achievement. Baz Luhrmann, famous for Strictly Ballroom, seemed to be as graceful and as full of energy as one of the lead male dancers from his film, Moulin Rouge.

From Brad to Bard

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Dear Professor Ben, Welcome to the heady ranks of the very very successful Hollywood writer. I am delighted you have finally achieved a (some say the) plateau where you grasp that you must focus on the type of brad employed in binding a screenplay.

To All the Girls I’ve Loved

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John Michael Hughes recently explained to the authorities why he let himself into a Malibu, California house. He said his fiancée, movie star Meg Ryan, forgot to leave her key under the mat. He had had no option but to kick in a bedroom window and enter. This seems reasonable to me but the cops called it breaking and entering.

Ax and Ye Shall Receive

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Pablo Moreira, 28, a Uruguay banker, says he will sue United Airlines and Tony Robbins for interfering with his travel plans. “It started out innocently enough,” said the banker. “After we took off from the States I told some of the flight attendants that I could secure preferred charge cards for people who are..

Cake Walk

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Kenny Lay and I were having a drink the other day and he chatted about his resignation as CEO from Enron, America’s energy giant. “Are you bitter?” I asked. “Why, no. I’ve squirreled away a few bucks for a rainy day.” “Kenny,” I asked, “how much did you squirrel?”

Initially Yours

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As I read the Christmas holiday memoirs of famous dead writers I realize that their accounts of their holidays are often superior to those of my own. One of the major differences is that classical writers seldom identified friends by entire name. They simply used initials, I suppose for fear of

Secrets of LA Freeway Driving

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First you require a vehicle. I tested Lamborghinis, Range Rovers and Hummers—each more disappointing than its predecessor. So many imperfections. A moon roof whistled at 200 MPH, a gas cap was crafted poorly, the horn did not scatter pedestrians effectively and…

Snip, Snipe, Snip

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When I am in the midst of composing one of my hilarious weekly columns, my wife often interrupts me with the pretense of cutting my hair. The result is the loss of a brilliant column, albeit the appearance of my ears. Today, as I was thirty-seven per cent into an exquisitely funny column, Kate said, “Time for a trim.”

Taliban Barbie

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A group of Taliban religious leaders plans to market “Taliban Barbie”™ early in the New Year, according to investigative journalist Geraldo Rivera. General Mohammed Sphincter explained to Mr. Rivera outside of Kabul that “Taliban Barbie”™ will help to reeducate members of the al-Qaida network along with its supporters.

Bin Laden – Inside Job

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Los Angeles (CNN) — Passengers and crewmembers aboard a United Airlines 747 overpowered Mohammed Reid shortly after he tried to detonate plastic explosives at 35,000 feet above the Pacific Ocean. This is the second attempt by terrorists in less than a week to hide powerful

Road Tolls

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Dear Sirs, There is no question that my wife, Kate, and I were driving on your toll road at the time and place indicated on our recent “Notice of Toll Evasion.” I fully and freely admit this. My wife continues to harbor doubts. May I explain?

New Zealand! (The Perfect Haven)

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From our condo in Los Angeles, my wife, Kate, and I watched CNN document the horror of the terrorist attack on New York and the Pentagon. I thought we were watching a preview of a special effects movie … until I realized there were no commercials. In the following days I became nutso..

How to Feel Great

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There are many ways to write a column and if you are busy, busy, busy often all you do is read the first and last paragraph. If you are one of those people, here’s the first and last paragraph. First paragraph—When my wife, Kate, and I walked onto the grounds at the Optimum Health Institute …

Sex on the Sand

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Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. bin Laden had been dwelling in the Afghanistan desert for what seemed like forever. Bin Laden’s youngest wife had said at breakfast over shriveled figs, “it’s like we have been living like sand crabs on this like desert for like eons.” “I don’t appreciate it when you use the word ‘like,'” said her husband.

Understanding bin Laden

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Many readers around the world are no doubt familiar with a recent fax that bin Laden sent. Fortunately the CIA was able to decode several secret messages within the fax. The English translation of the text follows in black. The blue section is the part decoded by the CIA:

Desert Love

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Afghanistan is a bitter and hostile country where countless people perish under a relentless desert sun. A land of terrorists and drug dealers, a land of radical religions. But it also a land of spectacular panoramas and delightful people. One such delightful person is Osama

Paradise on Earth

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Stop reading unless you are a terrorist. And not just an ordinary terrorist but one of the followers of Osama bin Laden who was involved in the mayhem of 9/11. Hi. Mohammed be with you. First I want to tell you, you guys are brilliant.

The Soul of Mankind

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As readers of this column know, my wife and I live in a small condo. Until recently there were no children here. I like children; I’ve always said they’re the soul of mankind. A few days ago, Ruth Smith moved into the complex with her eight-year-old twins—a girl named Sally and a boy, Damian.

Hang Ups!

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A twenty-seven-year old widow is helping to make it a misdemeanor to drive while talking on a cell phone throughout many North America communities. Donna Babing, working with the Sierra Club, has also been behind legislation barring cell phone calls on federally owned wetlands.

Benny Hinn’s Older Brother

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World-famous televangelist Benny Hinn has postponed his Super Christian Crusade that was to originate in Salt Lake City, Utah at the end of June. Reverend Hinn was airvaced today to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota to undergo emergency treatment for a life-threatening staphylococcal infection.

Deep Dolphin

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An expert on deviant animal behavior was arrested Sunday on first-degree murder charges in this seaside community of rock stars, movie celebrities and corporate executives. Dr. Patrick Finley, 68, who taught and lectured throughout the world and was a frequent contributor to National Geographic, is being held without bail in

Mr. Mills

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They say nothing ever happened in Coronation but few people ever sat in on Mr. Mills’ fifth grade class, my home room teacher. Mr. Mills, would look out the second-story window of our red brick schoolhouse as a car sped by and ask, “I wonder what that driver is going to do with his extra two minutes?”

Oh, Baby!

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I met Mr. and Mrs. Brady in their home in Las Vegas. Their four-bedroom residence had been turned into a media circus. As readers will recall, the Bradys made headline news when Mrs. Brady gave birth to 18 babies last month. During our interview, haggard church

Reverend Jesse Jackson Clears the Air

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Jaron: Reverend Jackson, what’s wrong with America? Reverend Jackson: It’s morally bankrupt. The greatest sin is Men of God who betray their families. These so-called Christian leaders shag anything that struts by their steeples. Jaron: Why do women allow it?

Egging Me On

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Life may imitate art, but around our home, marriage imitates international relations. Last Sunday I was preparing omelets for my wife Kate and her parents. My mother-in-law Betty (who understands fully that when I am creating a culinary masterpiece

Getting Yours

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I met with a strange duck to find out some of his secrets for survival. He lives in Los Angeles and his name is Mr. Noraj. Mr. Noraj is a middle-aged man with a warm smile who likes kids and has thinning hair. Few people realize what kind of diabolical things he perpetrates on a daily basis.

It Began with a Bang

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Coronation was the result of a sexual act. Edward VII exercised his connubial rights with Alexandra of Denmark on or about September 4th of 1864. George V of England popped out of his mummy’s belly in June of the following year.

The Good Old Days

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They say nothing happens in Coronation. I have news for you. Many things that have just happened in the world, happened decades ago in Coronation. For example, yesterday I read about a couple of wolf boys with a traveling circus.

The Advantage of Pimples

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Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones ripped off banks for zillions in the exciting feature film “Entrapment” produced by my buddy, Michael Herzberg — how’s that for dropping names? Mr. Connery had Ms. Zeta-Jones working under him for much of the movie.

Sam Fitzlehead the 1st

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At noon last Friday, a human being was cloned for the first time in the United States of America. The father of the clone (or, rather, the donor of the DNA that created the clone) is Sam Fitzlehead, a janitor at American Research Gene Laboratories in Seattle, Washington.

Dr. Erve: The Early Years

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Dr. Con S. Erve, Canada’s leading anthropologist, first achieved notoriety for his studies of the Wo-Wo Tribe. The Wo-Wo tribe was composed of 2,724 aboriginals who worshiped at a sacred “Ocean Beach” in northern Alberta. No one knew that landlocked Alberta

Hang Ups

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Claude Cramp teaches an intensive course in urban driving skills to rich bitches. Jaron: As a former employee of the Department of Motor Vehicles, do you enjoy your job? Mr. Cramp: I love it. I specialize in helping the rich hone their driving skills.

The Ever-Vigilant Roof Monitor

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Dear Ms. Bendhard, Let us set the record straight. I have never entered your condo illegally. As you know, I have a number of listening devices, including a stethoscope that I use to locate running water. Wayward water and wayward vixens are my concern!

Love: A Many Splendored Thing

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I met Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Brigham Splendor just outside of Salt Lake City. They, as old-time Mormons once did, practice plural marriage. Today the Mormons (The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) excommunicates any of its members involved in polygamy.

The Cannibals are Coming

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I woke up the other day because there were two Maoris knocking at my door. Maoris are the original Polynesian natives of New Zealand. These dudes were in dark suits and looked like IBM reps except they were carrying spears and their faces were

Jack’s Back

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Jack, the Mad Russian, is dead. Shot between the eyes. Suicide say the police. (See my last column.) His brand new Lexus X5 SUV towers over a Porsche Carrera-4. Their combined value could hit two hundred thousand. After the police smashed down the Mad

Bye Jack

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Happy holidays. About a week ago I returned to our small condo complex and noticed that our neighbor’s door down the hallway was open. I went to the door and knocked and a stranger wandered out of a back bedroom.

Brain Freeze

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In recent years we have come to think of our brain as a computer. In the good old days of Aristotle we knew what the brain was. A refrigerator. No, I’m not kidding. Aristotle had it figured out that the brain was used to cool the blood.

Toast & Tea Diet

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You think that gets rid of the cholesterol? Do you realize it probably concentrates it?” Kate asked. “Do you realize you’ll die if you don’t have enough cholesterol in your body?” I asked. I slowly ate the peanut butter diet toast and then I swallowed a small green pill that the doctor had given me to reduce cholesterol. “Besides, I don’t have to worry about cholesterol,” I said. “That’s what these pills are for. If it makes you happy, I’ll take two.”

My Closest Brush with Death

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Recently I underwent a medical procedure that brought me as close to death as it is possible to achieve without actually dying. I am talking about a procedure involving the insertion of a six-foot tube into your body to have “a look around.” This snake-like gadget is along the lines of common garden hose with a camera in

How to Paint A Bathroom

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My wife Kate has this hormone imbalance thing. A lot of women do. One learns to live with it. It caused us a few problems so we decided to see a marriage counselor. The marriage counselor, Dr. Seesaw, said that women were from Venus and guys were from Mars. I asked…

The Inside Poop of the Rich and Famous

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Mr. Richard (Rich) Twit, the world’s wealthiest man arose after a long and sleepless night. Several of his zillion dollar mergers were not going well. Mrs. Twit had a frightful headache and there had been no sex for Mr. Twit for some weeks now. The government was threatening yet another suit to bust up Mr. Twit’s many, many conglomerates.

Cloned Co-eds

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Even in the fields of eugenics and DNA, few have heard of Dr. Stein. A year ago Wired Magazine printed a passing reference to him, dubbing the scientist, “The Poor Man’s God.” Intrigued, I tracked down Dr. Stein. Dr. Stein, 67, wears eyeglasses that are duct taped together and dresses in what appears to be thrift-shop clothing.

Top Dog

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The world’s most powerful man is the President of the United States. When you think of the President what is the first image that comes to your mind? Air Force One? Old Glory? The President chatting with the nation from the Rose Garden?

Make Fifty Bucks an Hour

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All you have to do is click on the following logo of PayPal. You fill in a few blanks and they deposit five dollar$ in your bank account. Make payments with PayPal – it’s fast, free and secure! (I, by the way, receive five bucks for your doing this. But you don’t pay me a cent.

Kissing Cousin

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Some people are blessed with many relatives. I am not. As a matter of fact, I only have four cousins, one of whom is a girl: Priscilla. She is the issue of my mother’s twin brother. When we were kids, Priscilla had a pet rabbit that ran away and I was blamed for releasing it. Because we are the children of twins, Priscilla and I probably share more DNA

If You Go Into The Woods Today

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Several years ago, an American hunter mistook two friends for a big game animal in northern Alberta. The hunter shot both men as they sat on a parked all-terrain vehicle. The hunter was cleared by local courts “of hunting in a manner endangering other persons.”

The natives got our Bibles.

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Recently my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii. I found a fascinating biography by Elder Trevrep, a missionary, who helped civilize the natives. Here is the preface to his book: Aloha! It turned out that we ran low on bibles after a few days. To be fair to the natives

Cell Sell Sex

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The cell phone, the world’s most ubiquitous communications tool, may be for taking, but what about making a sexual statement? Success in the business world is this millennium’s aphrodisiac. A male who announces within seconds of meeting the female that his net worth

Concorde Background

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Several readers have asked about the time I almost crashed the Concorde. Well, like most things I write—the better ones (I think) are based on my unusual but actual experiences. A few decades ago I was writing a screenplay for Andrew McLaglen. He is a world class director and the son..

Stupider Than a Speeding Bullet

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I thought about going for a spin on the Concorde when the famous plane was here for our air show last month but I was short of cash and besides I’ve already had the pleasure of flitting across the Atlantic on the craft. As a matter-of-fact it was aboard the Concorde that I was treated like an idiot and the captain pointed at me after we

Paradise Lost

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Compromise is the key to marriages and volcanoes. For example, my wife, Kate, who is a flight attendant, had three Maui trips back-to-back. She suggested I go with her. “Can we afford it?” I asked. “After all, we’re trying to live on your salary while I write the Great American Novel.”

High Fliers

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Timing. It’s everything. Take the case of the recent Concorde disaster. Many years ago my wife and I flew on it. Lots of fun. Had we taken the Concorde flight a few days ago, we would be dead. But we missed the ill-fated ride by at least a decade.

Shtick and Stones

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Dear Jaron Summers, After review by our legal department we have decided not to reinstate you as a contributor of Themestupid. We suspected you were a racist. Now we have proof since you have been posting articles on our system using several aliases in which you use …

Hong Kong

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Six years ago my wife and I visited an astonishing city: Hong Kong. Mirrored skyscrapers shimmered like silk. Wealth was everywhere. Except in broken shadows where harnessed coolies pulled rickshaws. My wife, Kate, says that Hong Kong swelters like a desert city without a beach.

Womb Mates

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I participated in two rituals recently. One was a sweat lodge ceremony on the plains of Alberta near Edmonton. The sweat lodge looks like an igloo made of hides or canvas. In it native North Americans conduct a series of rituals they have repeated for countless generations.

Secrets of Billionaires

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Who is the richest man on the planet? (Hint: it’s still Bill.) Who among you has illegal copies of Bill’s software? (I would guess 98 per cent of the people who read this.) Which brings us to the latest theory generated by my large brain: there is a link between having your work illegally

Eskimo Parrot

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In humor writing you have to be careful who you make fun of. I wrote a hilarious story about selling a house to a Mexican. I made fun of myself and my family. The story, as an added bonus and an example of my talent, was also poignant. I titled the story: ….

I, Hernia

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Hello, I am Jaron’s Hernia and this is my story. Hernia is Latin and made up of: “Her” and “Nia.” “Her” is Jaron’s wife, Kate, and she brought me into existence by complaining that their condo was leaking. This caused Jaron, clutching a hundred

Cyber Cash

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Cyberspace is filled with information. The great thing about owning information is you can sell it. Unlike a car, after you sell information you still have the information—plus you have more information about the people who bought it from you, so you have more information to sell and so on. I think Bill Gates picked the right area to get into.

Selling Digets

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On the Web, it’s a challenge to sell digets. Digets (rhymes with widgets) are anything with digital content ~ a book, a software program, information, art, music, etc. Cottage industry digeters are usually happy with a five or ten dollar sale…

Published Author

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And because most of us have a secret desire to be well-known and witty authors, there exists a vast network of sources ready to help us. You’ve seen the ads: a “reputable” New York or Toronto publisher is hunting for a few good writers. So you send in your manuscript—

Dog Dilemma

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Life is filled with dilemmas. The dog is four years old and is named Nike and belonged to my mother who died last year. My mother was 95 and as her only offspring I am the sole beneficiary and executor of her tiny estate. I’m in charge now. My wife and I inherited Mother’s house,

Dog Dilemma Two

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As readers will recall, after my mother died last year, I turned her home into a kennel for her beloved pup, Nike. He enjoyed my efforts but I worried he would get away and perish in cold weather or traffic. And Nike was lonesome. I could not take the adorable pup to Los Angeles with me because we cannot

No Juice, No Use

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Since I’ve had some luck writing screenplays, seldom a week goes by that a business person doesn’t offer me “a great motion picture idea.” These executives, many of whom have seen movies, all of whom wear mostly black clothing, attempt to induce me into writing their screenplay with offers of vast riches.

Homeopathic Psychology

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Our nephew Mandrake asked how my wife, Kate, and I managed to remain blissfully together for over two decades while many other couples wound up divorced. “Mandrake,” I said, “even though you are only nine years old, you are mature enough to learn certain basic marriage concepts.

Futur — Sound Like Hooter

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Cloning is close to the ultimate act of egotism. So is making love to yourself. They could have dire consequences when they collide. Hans Moravec is his book, “Mind Children” says we will soon copy our minds and inject those minds into a clone or even a computer.

Do Not Read

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From time to time loyal readers ask me questions. A WARNING. There is a question coming up that you may find offensive. I certainly don’t want to upset you by talking about what you may feel is a deplorable habit. So if you have never masturbated or you feel it is immoral, DO NOT READ any further.

When I Die

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My darling wife, Kate: Well, I’m gone now and you ended up with the houses, the cars, the bank accounts, my gold Rolex, all my new suits, my seven computers and everything I ever wrote. It goes without saying that you’ll miss me tremendously and although you may

For Love or Money

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Yesterday afternoon, Charlie Dumbkoff was terminated as CEO of Citibank after a billion dollars disappeared. From time to time, stories had circulated concerning Citibank’s involvement in money laundering, murder and excessively high interest rates on credit cards.

A Note from Mr. Roof Monitor

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To: My fellow condo residents: I am sorry about the tar on the stairs. Here is my explanation. It rained and our skylight leaked. Since we have a flat roof, your roof monitor (me) got in my car and drove down to the valley and bought five gallons of tar and some plastic sheeting. I managed to get some of the

It’s a Very Good Thing

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My friend, Martha Stew, invited me go shopping with her. As readers will recall it was Martha who taught me how to make her world famous pasta sauce. As we drove to the market, I asked Martha why it was that my sauce never seemed to taste as good as hers.”Your basic ingredients are stale,” explained the world’s greatest chef.

Chinese Chalk Talk

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My wife, Kate, is always buying things for our home that make no sense. We had ants; she bought some chalk to get rid of them. The chalk was made in China. I told her it was silly to think that chalk could rid us of ants. “Silly? Moi?” Kate asked, sweetly. Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly…

Pay Attention or Die

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Matthew Benson Applehead (MBA) had trouble peeing one night. Fearing he might be a diabetic, he ran to a nearby hospital. A passing car blinded him and while he was jabbering on his cell phone, a truck ran over him, killing him instantly. Bad luck, you say?

Be a Millionaire

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Many decent and fine folks who work from nine to five, seven days a week, will NEVER retire. They spend all their paychecks on food, clothing and housing. By the 22nd of each month, they run out of money and are forced to assume MASSIVE credit card DEBT to survive until their next meager paycheck.

Duck! The Sky is Falling in

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Get out while there is still time. The stock market will soon crash, so if you are in it, bail right now. As a matter-of-fact, the entire economy of the world is headed for a major meltdown. What amazing skills do I have that enables me to make such a prediction?

A New Direction for a Great Director

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Woody Allen is off to London. The world-famous New Yorker is set to direct his latest play, “Later-Yi,” in one of London’s newest boutique theaters. New York producers had nixed the play. “Later-Yi” is the poignant, yet hilarious story of what can go amiss when you fondle your stepchildren and later have

Whooping Moose

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Ten years ago, Dr. Erve, one of the world’s leading environmentalists, led a worldwide drive to save Canada’s whooping moose from extinction. The miniature moose, about the size of a rabbit, makes a sound similar to the whooping crane. There were forty-three of the small quadrupeds left on the planet.

The Final Day

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I’m a security guard. If I ever pass the police aptitude test, I’m going to be a full-fledged peace officer and then I can carry a gun. Just around midnight I was patrolling the South end of the city’s main nuclear generation facility when I observed this dude, dressed up like a friggin’ ninja, all in black, scaling the 15-foot cyclone

Bug Killer

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“Chip” Cursor was the first victim of the Millennium Bug in this century. On 01/01/00, I talked to Mr. Cursor in his hospital room where he was hooked up to life support. Mr. Cursor: Come back tomorrow. I’m expecting a call from my wife. Jaron: Your wife claims you went

Ho Ho Ho – Santa

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Christmas eve and the Ho-Ho-Ho boy is annoyed. Rudolph: What’s buggin’ you? Santa: You’ve been drinking again. Rudolph: Blizzard out there, Santa. Need a little antifreeze. Makes me lovable. Santa: You’re grounded.

The Last Lawsuit

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The year is AD 2027 and all but one of the millions of lawsuits precipitated by the Y2K bug have been settled. The plaintiff is Mr. Jaron Summers, a handsome elderly man with a warm, grandfatherly smile. He walks with graceful dignity using a silver cane, one of the innumerable gifts he’s received from royalty around the world.

The French Questions

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Although I have not spoken French for over 40 years, I remember all of it from junior high. (I was a child prodigy in romance languages.) Even my French teacher said I had an astonishing approach to linguistics. Curious she flunked me. Jealous, no doubt.

The Old Snake Bite Joke

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If penis jokes offend you — stop reading. What’d you know? You’re still with me. Good. Here goes: A rattlesnake bites Johnny on his John Henry. “Don’t panic,” says Johnny’s camping pal, “My trusty medical manual’ll tell us what to do

Don’t Box Me In

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My wife, whom I love dearly, has a box fetish.This is a tragic and deep-seated neurosis that is apparently part of her family’s DNA. It causes the females in her family to collect and hoard boxes, mostly cardboard. Over the past decade, Kate has crammed more and more boxes into our small condo and until last week there were so many in our bedroom that we could only make love in a south-by-southwestern configuration and only one participant had enough space to scream.

Magnets – Key to Immortaliy

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Soon we’ll be in a new century and a spanking new millennium. Most of you may find yourselves morosely wondering what you have done to change the world for the better. I, however, don’t have to fret because I invented something that had a profound imdpact on the human race.

Saving Gay Christians…

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Brother Fügenpacker was ever ready to assist widows and look after the homeless. Everyone in our congregation loved him in the truest sense of Christianity. Then Brother Fügenpacker took to wearing a skirt, along with matching high heels.

A Rose by Any Other Name

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When I was about 12 or 13, my mother told me that I was going to have problems when I reached puberty. “Why?” I asked. “The males on both side of our family take a long, long time to mature. Your father was almost 23 before he started to shave and my brother was a very late

Understanding the Female

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My wife, Kate, has this hormone imbalance thing. A lot of woman do. It caused us a few problems so we decided to see a marriage counselor. The marriage counselor, Dr. Seesaw, said that woman were from Venus and guys were from Mars. I asked Dr. Seesaw where she got her counseling degree? NASA, maybe?

Good & Grim News

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“I’m afraid, Mr. Evenkeel, I have both good and grim news for you,” Doctor Smith said softly to his patient. Evenkeel, who had been an eternal (albeit annoying) optimist most of his life, swallowed, then blinked in disbelief.

Brookheaven

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I’ve been using my large brain to hunt for a word to describe what happens when you have planned a great improvement for mankind and then, out of the blue, that improvement results in mayhem. “Blindsided” comes close, but it won’t do. Blindsided, while colourful, does not indicate that your misfortune happens due to your own tinkering.

Friends

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Charlie and Lucky were sitting in front of the hotel. It was a warm day, but soon it would be winter and neither one was looking forward to a chilly November or December. Charlie and Lucky were old friends and after they talked about the weather, Charlie (who was the younger by a few years) said that he had read that pets

Girl Talk – I am My Kid’s Nightmare

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Dr. Laura: I’m my kid’s mom and I’m here to share with you the importance of living high moral principles even if those around you call you a tattletale, goodie two-shoes or religious fanatic. We have Monica on the line. What’s your problem, Honey? Monica: I’m a sexual addict.

Studio Head

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The world’s most successful studio executive, Scot Squeegee, drove his new stretch Rolls Royce from his 60-room mansion in Bel Air to Streak Studios to view the rushes of: The Scot Squeegee Saga. According to reports in Daily Variety, The Scot Squeegee Saga was expected to play to sold-out crowds in theaters

A Sweet Investment – Part Two

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Chocolate. I love it. Forty years ago a Hershey chocolate bar cost five cents. The bar will cost $5.00 in 2017. The dollar won’t be worth squat. The chocolate will!

A Sweet Investment

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Kate: You remember when we were married? Jaron: Yes. Kate: Didn’t we agree that any time we contemplated purchases of over $500 we would discuss such an expense before it was incurred?

Sixty Minutes – and Counting

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Don Hewitt: We had a sensational show last week on 60 Minutes. How are we going to top it next Sunday? Mike Wallace: With a thought-provoking study of how dentists rip off old people when they do implants, starring yours truly. Lesley Stahl: Nice, very nice, Mike. I have an exposé on the way supermarkets cheat shoppers when they run pickles through scanners.

The Secret of Traveling Light

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We flew to Tahiti. As usual I had packed only a single flight bag. As usual my wife had overpacked, drastically. Tahiti is a Polynesian paradise. Why in the world would one want to take so much stuff?

The Art of Negotiation

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One of the many reasons I am so successful with my life is that I have studied how the masters of negotiations achieve spectacular results. There are three rules you must master if you are to come out ahead in a negotiation. Rule number one realize that the person

Jellybean Roulette – Put a Price on Your Life

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Three cheers for the human race: risk-takers whether we want to be or not. Exploring space, making love, brushing your teeth–all are fraught with degrees of risk. John Glenn has done all three. Three cheers for him. Because risk takers fascinate me, I invented the Jellybean Game.

Open Wide

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Since I had a brain tumor, I went to Dr. Ivey. He was a little crazy as most older dentists are. The reason for this is that people hate their dentists and after a lifetime of being hated, dentists turn a little crazy. Younger dentists are not crazy but they don’t know anything so it’s best to go to an older crazy dentist.

Kona Cat Diary

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We are in Kona for a few more days thanks to the cat. God bless that little creature. Our friends have a terrific place but they have wild chickens and of course roosters. They just woke me up.

Kona Kat 2 – S.O.S. from Hawaii

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A plea to all humans still alive. I managed to make another 12 cent film in Hawaii. I don’t know if I will be around to complete a third …. The felines have encircled the house here in Kona, they grow stronger each

Kona Kat – The Terrible Cat of Kona

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Greetings, we are out of Hollywood and in Hawaii. With luck we may return in time. In time for what I am not sure. The creature is back in Kona. The radiation did not kill him. It made him stronger and extremely dangerous to…

Betty’s Greatest Adventure

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“France is as beautiful as you promised,” said Betty Graham, skipping down the gang plank of the great ocean liner that had just brought her from America. “And autumn is the perfect season to meet her,” said Mademoiselle Ucret. During their Atlantic crossing, Mademoiselle Ucret had helped Betty

Adjal

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hello
I was locking my office just after four on a hot July afternoon when her perfume hit me. Jasmine laced with lime. Only one kind of woman wears that potion—a blonde with curly ringlets like Shirley Temple made famous. I’m not related to Shirley, she just happens to have the same last name as me. Sight unseen,

The Missionary Position

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New Novel – Missionary Position –

Twenty-five years ago Mother died….

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Counting pennies, hating birds… I usually concentrate on writing humorous pieces. Recently, though, I haven’t felt like writing funny stuff, since I’ve been thinking a lot about the death of my mother, Pearl. I miss her. She was wise and funny and compassionate.

From Cash Flow to Ice Floe

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The $15 bungalow Mom and Dad bought half a century ago…. My parents purchased our Edmonton bungalow in 1963 for $15. My wife, Kate (who monitors me far too closely) read my note on our computer screen. “Fifteen dollars? You’ve lost it again,” she said.

Paradise Found

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They say nothing happened in Coronation. Maybe. But maybe that was before our little family arrived. I was born in 1942 in a Calgary parking lot. Well, in those days it was the General Hospital.

Stone Cold Freezer

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It took four men to carry it down our basement. My father plugged in our new freezer and opened the cavernous contraption. “I’ve heard,” said Dad, “that kids have gotten into things like this, closed the lid and perished.”

Arrow Pounder

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If you’re thinking of writing a screenplay or worse, carving out a career as a full-time screenwriter, you’re going to need an arrow pounder. Never heard “arrow pounder” amid such notions as “plot points” and “character arcs,” have you? Trust me every screenwriter needs an arrow pounder.