Brother Fügenpacker was ever ready to assist widows and look after the homeless.
Everyone in our congregation loved him in the truest sense of Christianity.
Then Brother Fügenpacker took to wearing a skirt, along with matching high heels.
I could understand the skirt — after all, Jesus wore a robe — but as far as I know there was never a word about our Savior shopping for high heels or other accessories.
Brother Fügenpacker was getting manicures.
Not just ordinary manicures — he’d found some sinner who did nail sculpting.
We soon had videos of Brother Fügenpacker kissing a soccer player in a gay bar.
As Christians, we knew Brother Fügenpacker was mentally ill and if he kept up his “unnatural ways” he would go to hell.
We hid in the dark beside Brother Fügenpacker’s house.
When he let his cat out, we grabbed our wayward brother, then stuffed him in my trunk and drove to a Christian farm.
After the water board treatment, Brother Fügenpacker admitted he never had sex with a woman and did not wish to.
Using red-hot pokers and prayers we drove three devils out of him, then Reverend James showed up with some streetwalkers to assist us with our brother’s final exorcism.
Normally we would never have taken such drastic steps but Brother Fügenpacker’s soul was in peril.
Reverend James explained that God would forgive us for using harlots because He wanted Brother Fügenpacker back in our flock.
(The Lord has often provided holy men with freebies in the form of harlots.)
Brother Fügenpacker fought like a madman when we tied him down and lowered harlots on him.
After three days of sleep deprivation, our naked brother came around.
Brother Fügenpacker admitted that being with a woman was the right thing. He claimed our cure had “taken” and he begged us to let him go back to the congregation.
But Reverend James sensed Brother Fügenpacker was still in need of Christian love.
The Reverend horsewhipped Fügenpacker.
Then God told Reverend James to perform a barrel exorcism.
We put Brother Fügenpacker in a wooden barrel with some wild hornets and Reverend James nailed the top shut for the afternoon.
That snapped Brother Fügenpacker into line, he started cursing like a real man. (Thank God the Reverend understood the Bible and knew about these things).
Brother Fügenpacker was cured!
We sang hymns, then joyously returned Brother Fügenpacker to the church for Christian re-fellowship.
Brother Fügenpacker was not only born again in Spirit, he was born again as a MAN.
Our little miracle with Brother Fügenpacker reaffirmed to us that homosexuality was nothing more than conditioning in a Godless society and with the right kind of Christian love, you could bring anyone back to their senses.
After choir practice Brother Fügenpacker raped our minister’s wife three or four times.
We hanged Brother Fügenpacker from the tall oak tree behind our church.
He died as a normal man and I’m sure he’s now in Heaven.
Praise the Lord!
P.S. — if Brother Fügenpacker had not given up his gay life, we would have had to Mercy Stone him.