The curious thoughts of Jaron Summers

Wacky tales

Buffet Bandits

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Eating has become a luxury. There was a time when you could walk into McDonald’s with some loose change and come out with a hamburger. I remember hamburgers for 29 cents. Today you practically have to sell your McDonald’s stock to afford lunch at McDonald’s. And it isn’t just hamburgers. Everything costs more. Meat. Vegetables. … Buffet Bandits

claude ajusts.

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Wings in the Dark CHAPTER ONE The first cut hurt less than I expected. That was my first surprise. The second was that I was not dead. The man standing over me seemed disappointed by both facts. “Hold still,” he said. I considered explaining that I was tied to my own bed and therefore had … claude ajusts.

EGG FU FUN

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From the 23rd floor of the Hyatt in Shanghai my wife and I look down on the Egg. A chicken that laid such an egg would stand taller than the Statue of Liberty. Even so, you could not make an omelet large enough from that gargantuan hen to feed the 1.4 billion people in China … EGG FU FUN

Love is a many Splendored Thing

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I met Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Brigham Splendor just outside of Salt Lake City. They, as old-time Mormons once did, practice plural marriage. Today the Mormons (The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) excommunicates any of its members involved in polygamy.

Dollization of Lived Experience

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A satirical sci-fi comedy in which a writer interviews at a toy conglomerate that turns human quirks into dolls—only to discover the ultimate product is him. Brazil meets Barbie, skewering empathy, capitalism, and identity with dark humor.

Air Traffic? Gesundheit!

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When one unpaid air traffic controller sneezes, America’s entire aviation system collapses like a soufflé in a wind tunnel. Flights vanish, pigeons unionize, and yoga mats replace runways—all because Bob forgot his Kleenex. Civilization sneezes, then politely grounds itself.

Dial B for Betsy

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In a 1950s Canadian prairie town, one woman controls the phone lines—and the town. She’s nosy, psychic, unstoppable. Think “Fargo” meets “Her”… with a party line and pearls.

Mind? (Asking for a Dead Friend)

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This essay explores where our soul might reside — head, gut, or somewhere in the Cloud. It follows the author’s plan to catch souls with a badminton racket, clone bodies, and reinsert spirits via USB. It’s metaphysical, mildly scientific, and completely ridiculous.

The Day I Snapped

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L.A. parking meters aren’t broken. They are simply brilliant machines doing exactly what they were built to do: Confuse legally, charge automatically, and grin electronically.

Our Creeping Civil War

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In a deeply divided America, neighbors wage war with lawn signs, podcasts, and passive-aggressive potlucks. Slow Motion Civil War is a satirical dramedy where the front lines are Facebook feeds, and the real battle is over who brings the best dip to the HOA meeting. Think Dr. Strangelove meets Nextdoor.

The Cartographer’s Folly

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Beware the Mapmaker’s Pen … Every line drawn on a map cuts deeper than ink—it severs neighbors, sparks wars, and cages clouds with fences. Once, the earth was whole and free. Now borders bloom like mold, and flags divide what love once united. Maps don’t protect us—they imprison us.

That Was Harry

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Harry was a gentle, witty man who valued family above all. A WWII naval officer turned mining engineer, he traveled the world with his wife and daughters, building homes, battling woodpeckers, and spreading kindness. He quit smoking at 70, joked through life’s trials, and faced death with grace. That was Harry.

I’m Not on God’s AutoPilot

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A thoughtful rejection of faith-based motivational clichés, this essay questions predestination, challenges divine micromanagement, and urges respect for diverse beliefs rather than assuming one-size-fits-all theology.

Shingles, Showers, and Shenanigans

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A rogue roofer punches a banana-sized hole during a rainstorm, turning Jaron’s den into a swimming pool. With tar, sarcasm, and power tools, Jaron battles leaks, biblical floods, and incompetent contractors—then threatens to launch the next intruder off the roof. Roofing drama meets divine comedy.

Storage Secrets

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Magic storage concept is genius—hilarious, liberating, and oddly therapeutic. For a fraction of the cost, you can “stores” your neighbors’ junk forever, freeing your space and soul. Or how to create a service that understands guilt-based clutter and turns it into gold for you.

Once Upon a Glitch

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AI doesn’t think like us—it predicts the next word based on patterns from vast text data. This can create familiar yet surprising results, producing stories that resonate or veer into the absurd, without true understanding or consciousness behind them.

Hang On™: The Scam So Good You Paid to Hear It

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“The key to fortunes is coming up with a way to keep customers listening to you for up to 30 minutes.”

Confessions of a Seat Upgrade Ninja

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Want to fly first class on a coach budget? Bribe with chocolates, wield a cane like Gandalf, fake an anniversary, and act like a retired flight attendant. Toss in charm and frozen water. Boom—luxury travel without the Amex bill.

Smoke Signals vs. Smartphones

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Imagine hiking into the backcountry to “disconnect,” only to trip on a rock and dislocate your shoulder and break your leg. No signal. No reception. No help.

According To Familiar People ….

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People familiar with hoarding know that containers are not neutral. They are enablers. They’re the enablers’ enablers. They’re the sweet-talking plastic sirens that whisper, “Don’t throw that out. It might be useful. One day. In the apocalypse. For barter.”

Blood and Blanks

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A theologian’s daughter dies defending her virtue ….

Coronation: A Century of Almost

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Toxic water, stealth bombers, drunk curlers, and dog trainers: Coronation’s secret recipe for 100 years of glorious obscurity.

Howard Hughes — AKA groomer

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Broke but grinning, Billy Woodfield bluffs his way into Hollywood’s fast lane, uncovering Howard Hughes’ secret “breakfast date” with teenage Mitzi Gaynor — a stunt so outrageous it lands Billy a midnight meeting with Hughes… and the job of a lifetime.

Time Is a Flat Prune: The Chronological Smackdown

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An 83-year-old time-slowing guru battles a hyperactive teen in a cosmic showdown of clocks, studies, and rogue toasters—featuring caffeine, Csikszentmihalyi, and a spinning ceiling sundial. Time bends. Laughter stretches. Toaster speaks.

Preparing for Depression

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During the Great Depression, one town had chickens, the other had fur coats—together they clucked and stitched their way to survival. No money, just feathers and fashion. It’s barter meets barnyard in this tale of poultry, pelts, and pure genius.

Billy Goat Jones

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I saw him hang by one finger, twist mid-air, and fling himself across a canyon like a steroidal bird. My job? Keep him alive between miracles. I was the brake pedal he never used.  

Why women are so Powerful

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American women rule kitchens, backyards, and life’s “adult playgrounds.” They outlive men, inherit everything, and turn homes into empires. Forget skyscrapers—women hold the cultural foundation with wit, resilience, and perfectly fluffed throw pillows. Game over!

Taking a bite out of inflation.

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The first burger went down easily, as did the second. By the third, his bites were less enthusiastic, his chewing slower. But Max was nothing if not committed. Halfway through the fourth Big Mac, disaster struck. A rogue pickle lodged itself in his throat, cutting off his air supply.

Security is a Bear

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In a world where privacy is a bedtime story, Papa Bear and Mommy Bear’s tech partnership monitors everything—from snack choices to lawn gnomes—turning Baby Bear’s life into a surveillance circus.

A Metaphor for Our Future

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Mandrake asked me to explain how the debate went. I took his phone and turned it off. “Hey! I was doing schoolwork,” he fumed. “I have to know what a metaphor is for English tomorrow.”

CITY OF MIRACLES

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Miraculous experiences in Paris. From foiling a pickpocket to being saved from a dangerous fall and surviving a tense security incident — the perils and unexpected joys of French travel in the City of Light.

Master the game, Master your life

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Agility and speed make them look like they’re executing perfect shots with impeccable timing.

Science VS Religion

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The world is in chaos due to the clash between science and religion. If science stops relying on faith while religion embraces some mystery, they can coexist, leading to a balanced and peaceful planet.

How We Prepared for the End

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My wife and I prepare for World War Three in “The Happy Nest.” Amidst apocalypse fears, we stockpile resources and devise a brilliant survival plan involving chainsaws and a gold-backed currency, demonstrating love and ingenuity in the face of global chaos.

SkySentinel Avian Solutions

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Psst … I can tell you how to make a large fortune by investing in my latest bird-brain idea. Cadaver Parrots. We’ll be flying high and the stock will leap into the stratosphere. I promise you triple your money back if you are not a millionaire by Friday. Call me now!!!

What does our Universe Think?

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Ah, Watson, consider the notion that our existence may merely be a grand illusion, a simulation of sorts, championed by luminaries such as Musk and Tyson. This theory, reminiscent of Plato and Descartes’ philosophical inquiries, invites us to deduce the fabric of our reality, merging science with philosophy in a most stimulating intellectual pursuit.

The List

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People often ask me how to sell scripts in Hollywood. The following websites may help. Two other things count: passion and a smile. By the way, AI made this image in 40 seconds. From nine words I wrote.

Mystical Mare’s Moonlit Meanderings

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I asked AI to pick ten stocks based on the notion that the US economy would continue to improve. AI also said: “Investing is like playing leapfrog with unicorns; diversification is your safety net, but remember, each leap is a gamble. And don’t trust past leaps to predict the next; that’s like expecting a cat to fetch just because it did so in a dream you had last Tuesday” And, then AI generated the above image. In 40 seconds.

Getting High at Your Wedding

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According to search and rescue teams, many brides have replaced traditional adorable ring bearers, with birds of prey. Wedding guests often bring live mice to feed these raptors.

Divine Discoverers

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Frank, never one to balk at the impossible, proposed a wild idea. “Folks,” he said, “what if we just look at this impending doom through our trusty Webb? Maybe, just maybe, our gaze might steer the course of these cosmic behemoths.

Markus Knew Stuff

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Markus had tales of the Canadian North, where he worked near the Arctic Circle. He seemed to know more about Edmonton than a local historian. I felt pretty stupid when he was around. Not that he made me feel stupid. He simply seemed to know stuff.

Secrets of The Rich & Famous

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He’s not just any wealthy businessman. He’s a maestro in the art of “customer support.” His billion-dollar secret? Keep desperate customers on hold, even if hours on wait drives them nuts.

From One Pocket to Another

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My wife fell victim to a cunning group of pickpockets who stole her wallet. What followed was a surprising turn of events, thanks to a strategy suggested by our friend Tony Giorgio.

Will she make it to 200?

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But somehow we end up kind of celebrating her birthday twice a year.

People Familar with the Matter

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And world news occasionally made the second page. And then the event would have to be awesome. Something like China prepares to nuke our student center.

Investment Secrets

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Vehicle repo is a growth industry. A car is stolen nationwide every 30 seconds in America. But one is popped every 20 seconds. That beats playing the stock market.

windows vs cell display

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The convenience, accessibility, and widespread adoption of smartphones make them the preferred choice for news consumption for the majority of the global population.

Love is a many Splendored Thing

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I met Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Brigham Splendor just outside of Salt Lake City. They, as old-time Mormons once did, practice plural marriage. Today the Mormons (The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) excommunicates any of its members involved in polygamy.

For sale: Broken back-up camera

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We are in the market for a new back-up camera. Please help.

Titanic: A Frugal Director’s Lament

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Jim Cameron’s Titanic budget woes got real over DIY Big Macs at McDonald’s. Hollywood’s new ‘budget renegade’ laments his thrifty ways, blaming Canadian roots for his cinematic penny-pinching. He’s dreaming of a second chance to splash the cash in Tinseltown, but wonders if his frugal past is his undoing.

Modern Day MIRACLES

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In Salt Lake City stands a famous tabernacle, renowned for its age and unique wooden architecture. This edifice, built in 1884, has attracted millions of visitors.  The tabernacle is a marvel to behold, but once upon a time it harbored a peculiar problem, thousands of mischievous mice. The congregation, driven to cussing by the scurrying … Modern Day MIRACLES

Divine Bytes: The Intersection of Spirituality and the Digital Age

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The digital age has enabled the creation of virtual congregations and religious gatherings, offering a sense of community for individuals unable to attend physical services. Social media platforms have emerged as spaces for interfaith dialogue, fostering connections among people of different belief systems. This evolution is exemplified by digital pilgrimages, which allow individuals to virtually … Divine Bytes: The Intersection of Spirituality and the Digital Age

Killer Bees

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Tragically, almost none of the producers here wear collars with chains while they are at work.

Don’t finish my sentences

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We don’t want your kind around sticking peanut butter to the roofs of squirrels!

From NY to LA 66.4 cents

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NY to LA 66.4 cents

Condo Covens

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…. a billion dollar view of the Pacific Ocean

Bel Air Code of Confusion

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Cross the BOARD and you end up water BOARDED.

A Shot in the Dark

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No worries. Seems that the latest vaccine is probably safe for mice. Didn’t kill any of them. Based on the CFDC six-mouse test, the USA felt safe to begin injecting millions of people with this new vaccine.

Joe Smith — loved Animal Crackers

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As far as I know he never spoke of Animal Crackers with her although she indicated her husband was a bit crackers himself.

The Bitch is Back spacing fixed

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Three cheers for nanoscience and cryogenics.

Wild animals I have met

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I grabbed my shotgun ….

Kind Dogs & Kind Vets

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Animals are smarter than you think. In the 1950s I lived in a village in Canada. Population: 950 people. Stray dogs: four or five. A veterinarian who spoke broken English rented a house. He turned a back room into his office/clinic. If kids with no cash had a “pet” dog or cat or even a … Kind Dogs & Kind Vets

Betty’s Brain Fog

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Brain Fog will be the death of me.

Chomp-chomp

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A conversation between my mother-in-law and me. Her name is Betty and she’s 99. Jaron: How do you like your new assisted living home? Betty: It’s good. I know you think I can’t keep track of time but I can. I’ve been here for about a month. Jaron: What with the virus and lockdowns, time … Chomp-chomp

Quora asked me

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The Book of Mormon for free

Time Travel

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I'm just starting to learn
I think time travel is overrated

Doug Paul, MD

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When I was going to school in Coronation, “uncle” Doug stayed at our home during goose hunting season. He knew and loved Coronation. By the way, Dr. Paul was the guy who put together Alberta Health Care. It was the best in Canada, maybe the world … until the insurance companies got their meathooks into … Doug Paul, MD

Mr. Science

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My boyfriend is telling me that the Earth is flat, but my friends are telling me that he’s lying. I think the Earth is round, but I’m not sure. Is the Earth round or flat? Mr. Science Answer: Both groups are correct. The earth is both round and flat. Have a look. This is a … Mr. Science

Insider Tip $$$

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watch your investment grow.

Joe and Me

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Joe Biden and I have things in common …

Nut Energy

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This chap stuck a pin in one of the almonds and said watch. He lit the nut on fire and it burned for several minutes like a tiny torch. My grandfather gave this con artist all his pension money after being promised large returns on a secret process to extract oil from almonds — this oil would be used to power the world. Grampa died shortly after. A busted man.

FADE IN: MAYA

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There are a raft of shibboleths and acronyms you probably know if you’re contemplating writing something that starts with FADE IN: POV, MOS, CU, FADE OUT, INT … some of the many “inside words” that are helpful to know if you’re going to make your mark in Hollywood. Here’s a new one for you: MAYA. … FADE IN: MAYA

Am I a Crook?

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I have never embezzled

No gold in them-thare Hills

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Has any official sovereign nation ever ran a Ponzi scheme in an attempt to cover a debt? The United Nations claims there are 206 total states—193 member states, two observer states, and 11 classified as other states. Nearly all of them have their own currencies. Some countries, for example, Ecuador, use American dollars. I know … No gold in them-thare Hills

Your Ponzi scheme —

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I was horrified to hear that mother might be a hooker.

Failed Life – additional notes

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Did I like going to BYU. You bet. I never had more fun with my clothes off.

Dogs and Cats can get along!

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Dogs and Cats can get along!

New Year—2019

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Is it possible that a two-year old, named Sarah, holds a key to saving our  planet?

Danny Thomas Test

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It’s real easy to steal. 

Seat Rustler

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“So limp over and sit in one, you asshole.  You fucking near broke my toe.”

Sorry To Bother You

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You end up with Mastercard moments.

Dressing for Success

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“I want to repair a hole in my jeans.” I showed her my old jeans.

Arm Toddlers

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The shooters need to know who the future traitors are of America.   Smart ass lawyers.

A note from Canada’s Most Evil Landlord

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he likes to be entertained…

Cut cable: Save Bucks

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Fly to Wimbledon with the money you save.  Link one of your smartphone to a wifi in England.

An island for my wife ….

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For years Kate and I have spent some of our most fun times in Hawaii and New Zealand. I promised Kate that someday I would buy a small island just for her. Today I did. You can come and visit us. You may also want to sublease a part of our island. I bought it … An island for my wife ….

Wimbledon Silly Rules

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Umpires or referees or whatever they call themselves could restrict the number of balls used each day at Wimbledon to 18.

Helping the Unfortunate —

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how can people be so cruel?

Keeping Your Cool in LA

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Caution — a condenser holds an electric charge. So you need to discharge it. Or you could get a shock.

Correct Use of Floss

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I asked the world’s best organizer how he keeps track of all his tasks. “Super simple. I link EACH task to my good self with dental floss. For example, I’m making a milk shake now. I simply tie the milkshake maker to one of my toes and I’m linked-in.” He concluded: “I started our dental floss factory where we make ten different colors of dental floss. Bingo. Ten colors of floss per toe. Ten toes. I can accomplish 100 tasks at the same time.”

Advice From A Billionaire

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Ten minutes, once gone, are gone for good.

Roger Moore and I were both Saints

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Roger Moore and I were both Saints

Pixel Fucking

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How about—you write your script, press enter and with the help of AI and digital skulduggery—you create a masterpiece.

Here, have a BLAST!

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This goof wants to build an ICBM with a nuke in it and aim it at us.  https://goo.gl/iuIftg The problem is that he needs a miniaturized nuke. So with the help of the CIA I could sell him a tiny “nuke.” It would have four dials on its face. A GO button, then three destinations: … Here, have a BLAST!

We cancelled your frequent flier package since you’re dead….

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No one could have anticipated that Clause 23 would be required

How to do great in Real Estate

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I am sending Rex to Russia to conclude my latest deal. I just sold Putin and his pals some worthless land we bought from them in 1867. I doubled our original purchase price. This is a TERRIFIC DEAL.  DT  

A plea to a “savage” tribe

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I will also teach you how to write screenplays that we can sell to the major studios.

Try Laughter

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Our ear ringing lessens, then miracle of miracle, stops. Laughter – best medicine!

EGG FU FUN

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From the 23rd floor of the Hyatt in Shanghai my wife and I look down on the Egg. A chicken that laid such an egg would stand taller than the Statue of Liberty. Even so, you could not make an omelet large enough from that gargantuan hen to feed the 1.4 billion people in China … EGG FU FUN

As I lay me down to Sleep

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Everyone grab half a sleeping person ….

Bombs Make Us Safer

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We live in a frightening world, don’t we?

Post from Barcelona

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He counted out four more sheets. He was grim about it.

Your word for today: Sam-suing

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Samsung’s latest evil invention

Will The Machines Win?

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The phone that I knew as a boy has morphed into a magical device that we take for granted. But the machines are just starting.

Save $75 and protect your nest egg

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Maybe there’s something to the notion that inflation will do us in.

Attachments

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“Slip this into your pocket, don’t make it obvious. When you get home, check out the first star to the right of the nine.”

NASA & LDS COVER-UP

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of the 12 people who have landed on the moon, all were female.

Mankind: Just A Blip?

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“So what are you going to do about it?” asked Donald Rabbit. “Reprogram me?”

Throw out the Drones!

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Most of us are worker bees.

A Shocking Situation at BYU

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I discovered something that has shaken my confidence, my faith, and my soul, to the core.

Spec screenplay sales – long shots, real long

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— my friend, you will have a meeting that week. The single purpose in that meeting will be to meet Mr. Hopkins.

Costco – near death experience

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Let’s see if you can tell where I started to make stuff up.

John & Sophie Henning

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About all that is left after 75 years … at least memories.

Jesus’ Facebook: 11 Followers; 1 Stalker

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Have A Listen: sat test This link gets you a free copy of the narration, and a free trial membership in Audible.  Already a member?  I have some review copies while they last.  email: jaronbs@gmail.com  Thanks!

President Bernie … gulppppppppppp

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Trump challenged Bernie to a televised sex contest ….

Elder Wonder has a VOICE!

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Jack Wynters gives my favorite character a wonderful voice.

Mother Nature Loves Hockey

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Mother Nature likes hockey. I know she likes hockey because I have seen and handled the tar that holds the oil.

Travel warning from a friend ….

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Thank you for your dire warning about flying almost half way around the world.

Bernie Wins! Las Vegas / 6:48 pm / October 13 / 2015

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My prediction — last edited 10/26/15 — Bernie will be the next US president

BERNIE

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We have a winner. Bernie Sanders leapt from Bernie the candidate, to Bernie the statesman.

How things roll at our home in Alberta

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We have eyes everywhere. Maybe even drones.

Peek in Jaron’s peculiar brain for fun ….

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    Click on that button below

Roll the Dice ….

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The more he drank, the friendlier he became. He liked that I recognized him and chuckled at a couple of things I said. For an hour he knocked back booze and I sipped a Coke.

An adult riddle … naked in the shower

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Adult Riddle. After everyone left the shower it was discovered that one of them was pregnant.

Let’s Start with Money

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There was a whirring sound and I looked up and saw a television camera move in one of the palms trees. It looked like a metal monkey with a big eye. It saw me at the same time I saw it; we stared uneasily at each other.

Notes my mother made of her life

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All I can remember about Uncle Ben is that he was fat and ate lard and sugar on his bread, we loved him, and he was jolly and good to us.

My Kind of Town — Edmonton

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Saturday morning was the first time we had ever met and I had known him for only twenty-five minutes. But what a golden twenty-five minutes.

The Breadbox Home or Latest Bucket List

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Using ancient Asian folding concepts I refined the concept of the tiny house so that all my possessions and living quarters can be contained in a bucket.

Americans take Superior position

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California is working on a plan to siphon zillions of gallons of water from Lake Superior to LA. Honest. Lake Superior is one of the deepest lakes in the world. It has ten per cent of the fresh surface water of Planet Earth.

Outdead – the flip side of outlive

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Think plastic bags. Today they’re for carrying oranges home from a farmer’s market; tomorrow the bags are part of a super highway or a giant death ball plugging up some ocean.

STATS

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Are we playthings? Could it be humans were created by an alien race and we’re part of some goofy advanced culture’s computer games?

The Hummingbird

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I had a college roommate who possessed good looks and charisma. He exuded passion. In college he felt that taxes were unconstitutional because he believed the government had been taken over by a ruthless organization which was in turn controlled by a group of powerful industrialists. These industrialists used kings and….

How to Teach Your Children to Love

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I’ve often wondered how parents teach their children to love.he other day I found one way. I was writing a screenplay with a former undercover Mountie Sergeant Dalton Taggart. He, his wife and two teenage sons live in Victoria, and I had a wonderful time staying with them and working on the movie. The two Taggart boys…

Baby Talk

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Most parents have no business raising children. They labor under total illusion as to their offsprings’ intellect.Take my friends, the Thors, who invited me to meet their new baby, Liam.I had no wish to meet any baby. (One does not have to be a rocket scientist to realize that few children under eight years are not human when it…

Hooked on a Feeling

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Boxers have left hooks and right crosses. Or is it left crosses and right hooks? Anyway, for me, there will only be one kind of hook, and that’s Charlie Taggart’s right hook. Charlie had an iron hook, the result of a boyhood flirtation with dynamite that almost blew him off the map.I will always be indebted to Charlie …

Word From Outer Space

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Being a CB radio operator, when I heard static coming from the Hale-Bopp Comet, I homed in on it.I was astonished to make contact with someone lurking behind the comet. Following is a transcript of our conversation:”This is Do,” said a frail voice through the ether.”Are you the leader of that cult that killed…

The Dinosaur

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He died Sunday, October 10, in Edmonton. His family had sold his house and he had moved into the Waterford, an assisted living complex. He stayed there barely a week and then had to return to the Grey Nuns Hospital and intensive care.His short-term memory was burned out, but I could get him back on track by talking…

Darrell Jones

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When you go to college you meet people and if you’re lucky one or two often become friends. In my case I met three guys. We become friends for life. We were roommates at BYU together. There was Darrell, Kent and Dennis. I was very lucky.Darrell Jones made a hundred times more money than the other three…

Candle in a Hurricane

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Stina Thor’s family and friends said goodbye to her, September 14, 2002 in Malibu. She was born in 1958. When I met her in 1968 I would have bet she was going to live forever. Stina had everything. Brains, beauty, humor, an infectious enthusiasm for life and she really cared about people. Her father, Larry Thor, was my professor at UCLA.

PO List

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We have some dear friends in Australia and they are going to have a grandchild in a few months. The mother-to-be often wonders what her baby might be thinking about or saying. I was able to contact the child and here are the things the child wants in a few months. Hi Mom, Just a quick note to let you know how things are going.

Head Phones

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Dear Lowell, I’ve always enjoyed using your services. Your mission statement says: “… committed to providing full and open communication with our customers, employees, and investors.” But what about multi-headed customers?

Simple Brain Surgery

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Recently, a dear friend, Gary Dartnall (the executive producer of a film I wrote), became effusive with his praise when I handed in some rewrites. Gary also took to bursting into upbeat songs and I noticed he was tipping waiters more than five per cent. It was obvious to both the director and me that Gary was slipping…

Elk Breakout

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Dear Fellow Nature Lover — Each time Kate and I go to the national parks in Canada we hear stories of Elk that escape the parks by rolling over the Texas Cattle Gates. I wanted to see if it was possible for an Elk to do this and get a photo of it. Many days I waited and waited…

Mob Rule Some Wild Stats

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I make the astonishing observation that cell phones (mobile phones) caused the murder rate to drop annually from 2,200 to 500 in New York. Of course, I know nothing about statistics but neither do statisticians. Still, if you look at when the NY murder rate started to plummet (around 1995), you will see that’s when cell phone saturation hit almost…

Mob Rule

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You know, talking to friends and colleagues about rumors and happenings. Meaningless babble. Apparently we are hard-wired to stand around the water cooler and chew the fat since in the good old days knowing what was going on, saved having our own fat from being chewed up. “Say did you hear Uncle Henry was eaten at ….

Ultimate Diplomacy

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Some become diplomats through birth. Others through dedicated education and focused study. A few geniuses, such as myself, achieve statesmanship (the ultimate diplomacy) through pure genius. I won’t give details and examples, Gentle Reader, for that would insult your intelligence. I am sure you are aware Prince Phillip…

3 Passports

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Yep. I have three passports. US. Canada and GB. No, I’m not a spy except in my dreams in which I pilot my personal flying saucer. I love England, Canada and the USA. And wisely picked the correct grandparents so that I ended up a citizen of all three countries. Having three passports has caused me some….

On Tap

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Tools. The things that separate men from beasts. Using ominous and shiny tools, dentists can hammer fresh incisors into your head after some miscreant uses a tire iron (auto tool) to smash in your porcelain caps (bite tools) because your wallet (money tool) contained only ….

Dublin

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Suggestions on how to see and enjoy Dublin, Ireland. We like to stay in one place and get to know the locals. Kate’s Prime Rule: Unpack and re-pack once per country. Go to www.airbnb.com and look …

Pay Off

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I had not been in a Chase bank for several years and was surprised to be welcomed by a young lady. I showed her our latest mortgage bill. She pointed to a teller. “Make your monthly payment there, Jaron.” “Okay. I’m going to pay it all off.

Tracy

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Occasionally, when scammers play games with me, I see how far I can go with them.

Every 100 Years

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It would be a singular honor for the town to have me address the expected throngs—present and past lovers of Coronation. 3,000+ guests are expected. The town will be aswarm with visitors. Many are aware that I have written short stories about Coronation. Additionally, countless old friends are…

Every 100 Years (Part 2)

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Background: Coronation, Canada (pop. 999), celebrates its centennial and I’m invited to speak. I confide to anyone who will listen, including the postman and gardener, that I’m the keynote speaker and guest of honor.My wife, Kate, has her doubts, plus it’s going to cost us a bucket of bucks to get back to my hometown … more expensive by…

S.O.S.: State of Security

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I listen to senators and garbage collectors referring to themselves as public servants and my mind immediately substitutes public enemy and their faces turn to a twisted image of Jimmy Cagney as a two-bit gangster.America, once a magical country, has stopped producing anything much except weapons of war and…

LA Travel Tips

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Kate and I saw a sensational play, DRIVE, by a friend of ours, Laura Black. DRIVE makes you think. At least it did us. But not everyone agrees it’s a great play. I read a mean spirited review of DRIVE. Here’s what I thought of the ….

Anthony Weiner

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I’m disgusted that everyone’s making crude jokes about our legally (former) Elected Official: Anthony W**ner . I am starting a contest. First prize is a box of delicious Sees chocolates. Only three rules.

19

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As you know we rent five rooms to mostly grad students in our home in Edmonton. The housemates decide who can move in. We have one guy from OZ who is into computers and artificial intelligence.

Leaving…

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Jacko Chessman, California career criminal, at the Flyaway bus ticket window, mulled over his last two decades in the Golden State. “I adore Southern California,” said Mr. Chessman, who served twelve of the last twenty years behind bars. “Truth is, our worst lock-ups beat most world-class resorts. You got the best climate on…

Kona Notes

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My wife, Kate, and I often spend time in Kona. Here are a few notes on the place. notes-1 Sun 30/01/11 – my journal … Kate and I are in Kona looking after chickens, dogs, cats and fending off wild pigs at the 1200 foot level of the island.

Vegas Report

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Kate and I flew to Las Vegas for one day and two nights—my only gal cousin, Pris, is living there with her husband. It was her birthday. We saw the water show for free at the Bellagio. Best thing to watch in Vegas. We spent no money gambling. The Eiffel tower is newer than the one they have in Paris. A security guard told me…

Woogly World

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Historians will examine this decade to determine what went woogly. Someone will have to take responsibility for the disappeared dollars (about twenty trillion) and, the beginning of the ice age. And, oh yes, the raging cannibalism when the starving masses realized lawyers could constitute fine sources of protein.

R.I.P. Bin Laden

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When the Twin Towers disappeared in flames many thought a bunch of stupid and cowardly terrorists did it. Me? I felt that it was one of the cleverest sneak attacks that the world had ever seen and that the people behind it—although the personification of evil—were smart. And brave.

The Devil May Care

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And it came to pass that Mr. and Mrs. God got up. It was a bright and sparkly day. (One advantage in living a few hundred yards from the sun.) devil-1″You didn’t sleep well, did you?” asked Mrs. God….

Penguin Love Nest

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Hi There! I am looking for a room to rent mainly on Thursday afternoon to evening. Could be other days rarely. My girlfriend and I would be meeting there. I would prefer following but not MUST: 1) Should be able to get a key to access this room so that I don’t have to bother someone to open it for me.

2011

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My wife and I do not have any children and we are sad about this. But we are even more sad about the number of children our friends are producing. It was not easy, but after we received the above Christmas card I wrote the following to the man who was responsible for these 28 children. Has he no shame?

Whale Tale

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The waters off the coast of Kona, Hawaii are said to be magical. And I have a story about that magic. It involves gypsies, a piper and a whale. The gypsies live in Kona and live to play music and conquer the sea — which was always the dream of their father. They laugh a lot.

E-mails? Nope.

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A friend found this Rolodex* of Hollywood legends. I bet it’s 50+ years old. So how did these stars become so famous without using e-mail or owning cell phones? * it was called a Wheeldex.

Aliens

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We’ve been looking for them for most of my life and with little success. Make that no success. Until recently we sent out signals to reach out and touch someone or something. This seems to me to be a little dangerous. Kind of the like Bambi mailing mapquest directions of his home to the Big Bad Wolf. It’s lucky the Klingons didn’t get

Officer Bubbles

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Hi, I am a Canadian Citizen and have paid my full and fairly honest taxes for many years. Partial confession. I am not perfect. When I was ten I stole Lifesavers (peppermint) from our local grocer in Didsbury, Alberta, and although I was under a cloud of suspicion for over a year, I was never apprehended…

The Double Bookmark

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My wife is a book thief. I bring home a thriller and even though we have 1000s of them she hooks my latest book and reads it. Then I find the purloined novel, and start to read it. Of course I lose her place.

Dr. Paul

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I might live to be a hundred he says. “But then again, there’s a chance I won’t. ”He taps a cigarette from a pack and touches a match to the tobacco and inhales deeply. Now in his 81st year, Doug Paul, MD, contemplates death, something—he, as a medical doctor—has battled against all of his life. Until recently that battle has been fought on behalf of others.

Down Under 75 Above

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New Zealand is the most beautiful and safest place in the world. Add to this a winter average temperature of 75 degrees and you have paradise. My wife and I just returned from Auckland, New Zealand. We were there for the shortest day of its year – June 21. In the Southern Hemisphere everything is backwards. Their winter is our summer and so on.

Free

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Dear Mary, Thank you for your lovely thoughts. I assure you that the talent and charm you attribute to me simply proves that you possess great imagination and compassion. So just go ahead and start writing

Pearl

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I usually concentrate on writing humorous pieces. Recently, though, I haven’t felt like writing funny stuff, since I’ve been thinking a lot about the death of my mother, Pearl. I miss her. She was wise and funny and compassionate. Born in 1903, she weathered all the depressions—

Gotcha

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There’s a novel way to deal with people like me who may soon be faced with dementia and/or Alzheimer’s. According to the Telegraph in Great Britain, the Benrath Senior Centre in Düsseldorf, Germany had problems with patients wandering off. Residents, because of short term memory loss, inevitably forgot why they had left the facilities.

Sera

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To save you reading the same things over and over — I will highlight Sera’s email. I will not highlight my stuff because it’s all brilliant and original. Jaron Let me know if the room/apt you advertise on craigslist.com is still available and let me know if you can

Too Much Stuff

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My wife, Kate, and I hate to throw stuff away. If you want to see why, look at the following film. Now if you really want to see why things can’t continue as they are, have a look at this:

Chase Your $$$$

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Chase Customer Service Rep (Chase): Good morning. We are recording this to maintain customer satisfaction. Jaron: Great. I was going through my online banking and I see that I paid you $450 two weeks ago. Last night you rejected my online deposit. Chase: Correct. That is why you still owe

Access Beats Ownership

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I recently told you there was a way to get some of the cheese, the cheese being the money and/or real property in a world that offers diminishing jobs and spiraling inflation. I think by now you realize that my philosophy is to work for yourself. There are many reasons for this but one of the best ones is that when you work for yourself you have

Ponzi

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Let us begin with a small Ponzi scheme. Bernie Madoff put one together – we all know he bilked sophisticated investors out of fifty billion dollars. He is going to jail for forever and day. Everyone knows how a Ponzi scheme works. Essentially you persuade people to let you invest their money and then you put it in your pocket. You pay the people who invested

Scholars

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If you are looking for the smartest scholars in the world come to my home, within walking distance of The University of Alberta. I rent rooms to four grad students who attend the great campus. I would put my four fellows up against any group of scholars who have ever lived. Aristotle, Einstein, Hawking. It would not matter. My lads – in their sleep

Home by U of A

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Old world charm & hi-tech delights Three blocks from the campus, Features 50-inch HDTV, wi-fi, hardwood floors, spacious bedrooms and nearby bus and LRT.

Dr. Juliet

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Recently I ran an ad to rent a room in our home in Edmonton. I was lucky enough to find a possible renter. Meet Juliet. (I’ve highlighted her info and questions.) ***********

Dr. Juliet 2

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Back Story — I advertise a home for rent in Edmonton. An internet scammer, Juliet, has tried to hook me into sending her money — These scammers send out 1,000s of emails to people on Craigslist who often just want to help students and earn enough money to survive.

Dr. Juliet 3

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My wife and I rent our Alberta home to grad students. An internet scammer, “Dr.” Juliet, attempts to trick us into sending her some money. I convince Juliet I am crazy but gullible. And maybe a dirty old man. (Little does she know how close to the truth this is.)

We Dance for You

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Kate, my wife, and our friends Larry and Bev do a St. Patty’s jig for you. Which one am I? Hint: there’s two of me.

American Express

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The secret of getting money back from a large and powerful corporation is: 1. Go to the top guy and make him feel good. 2. Illustrate you have been a good customer. 3. Tell him your problem and go for a

B & B

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My wife, Kate, and I toyed with buying a bed and breakfast lodge in Ontario. Our realtor recommended a property owned by a Mrs. X in one of the most lovely spots of the world, Niagara-on-the-Lake. During the Shaw Festival accommodations are at a premium and

Shab

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I am not sure where he came from or how he learned to do what he did but he was one of the most bizarre characters who ever settled in our village. He was an electrician … … who resembled a Sumo wrestler with a French name, and how he learned about electricity I don’t know.

The Sod Hut

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They say nothing ever happened in Coronation but I heard stories about the Gent from Geneva, who in the late 1940s, arrived in Alberta. This guy, I think his name was Franz, had seen a travelogue of Western Canada. Its majestic Rocky Mountains gave Franz the idea that moving to Alberta was like living in Switzerland….

Bart

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They say nothing happened in Coronation but they must have been out of town one Saturday night in 1960. The evening started out dull, not much to do but watch a movie at The Avalon, the town’s only theater, or maybe wander over to the Chinese cafe and have a cold Coke and a warm piece of pie. Then eat it slowly and wonder what would become of you.

Wild Echoes

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They say nothing happens in Coronation. They are certainly not goose hunters. Coronation is on the fly path of millions of geese that migrate between the Arctic and Mexico each year. There were a lot when I lived there in the 50s.

The Glow of A Father

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A dentist charged me $650 for a gold crown the other day. I thought of my father. It’s curious what links men to their fathers. Usually it’s hockey or baseball or camping. With Dad and me it was teeth. My father was a dentist in Edmonton

Our Man In Cairo

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I am one of a handful of Canadians with a valid passport. As a matter of fact, I have two passports. Let me explain. Passport Canada is terrified that it might issue a passport to a bad person. This has forced Passport Canada

Who Am I Now?

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People I trusted lost my identity and it’s in the hands of person’s unknown or a spy. It all began about five months ago when I applied for a Canadian passport. After only three attempts and four months, Canada issued me a passport but—well, you can see what happened

End Game

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Background. After months of mind games (using electron microscopes to find fly specs on my head shot so it could reject my application and destroy our travel plans), Passport Canada reluctantly awarded me a new passport but sent my driver’s license and birth certificate to a stranger, Mr. X. They also sent me Mr. X’s old passport

Room 4 Rent

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We have a house in Edmonton that we rent to students. Occasionally scammers send us phony cashier’s checks. They insist on paying more than we ask for the place. AKA: advance rent fraud. They instruct us to send the difference

180 words benefits of global warming

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Note to self: When buying co-ops in New York go for something above the fifth floor. Perhaps global warming will cause the oceans to rise and New York will be underwater and you will drown on lower floors. Logical? Nope. Within a New York second of the Atlantic’s rise Washington will hire a bunch of Dutch engineers to build dikes along the

3 AM

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Every night for the last 40 years or so I get up around 3 AM and go to the bathroom. I always think of things to write about. Lately I have been writing them down. What would happen if you got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and you stubbed your toe just as…

ZZZ-Answer

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Do I really think we should all hibernate for most of the winter? No, I guess not. But what would happen if we stayed in bed a bit longer? It worked for Hugh Hefner and of course Winston Churchill spent much of his time in bed, working away.

180 words ZZZzzz

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My grandmother went to bed in the fall, stayed there until the spring. Then in mid-May my mother and uncle would throw open the shutters and get Grandma up for the summer. This went on for twenty years. Had Grandma been born in the..

Halifax Hustle

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The chaos was worsening. The loons on St. Margaret’s Bay sang silly songs in the Nova Scotia fog. A phone rang and McDuff, 71 and overweight, sat bolt upright. He felt insignificant on his huge Simmons Beautyrest memory foam bed in the corner of his massive second floor suite. Nestled beside McDuff his third wife Danielle, 35,

If We Talk

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Not that far in the future, a few years after the kids learned to use surface-plus computers … the Armed Forces of Earth offered a course called War Animation for Peace (WAP). The course was a hit with the younger cyber crowd. It took six years of intense dedication and you learned how to annihilate computer-generated space invaders.

Perfect crime…

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His wife annoyed him. Nagging. Leaving the garbage for him to take out. Substituting skim milk for cream in his tea. He decided to off her. Things could go wrong. Also, husbands were always the…

Better than Winning the Lotto…

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After being a writer for 40 years, I’ve learned the right words enable us to connect to our own humanity. Take Peter Reede. He’s a middle aged man who lives in a tiny flat in Devonport at the edge of Auckland, New Zealand.

China Drill

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Dear President Jintao, We have dozens of highly motivated and trained scientists working for us in our pursuit to equalize the great discrepancies that exist among nations. For some time now we have felt that China is the future of mankind. We are committed to do whatever it takes to

Stormy Youth

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Ever suffer from Astraphobia—fear of lightning and thunder? I don’t. Although there are lots of things I am terrified of—such as being attacked by giant spiders who inject my body with some kind of stun juice so they or their offspring can eat me later.

Trapped in The Great Pyramid

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According to Greek mythology the first sphinx lived in the suburbs of Thebes and killed anyone who failed to solve the riddles she posed. I wish she were around now, because I have a riddle for her. My riddle started about fifty years ago, as I was drinking a Coke in the Hong Kong

Cult Quiz

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1- Do you believe your God speaks to you and guides you? 2- Do you believe your God directs your leaders? 3- Has your God given you a list of things to do in order to become a better person?

Go Green

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Fred Fünkendiddle was into green. “The most important thing we can do for the planet is conserve Mother Nature’s resources,” Fred Fünkendiddle said to his wife. “But Darling, I recycle everything. I am a strict vegetarian and I read only in sunlight to conserve power.”

FORD — R.I.P.

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President Ford had a lot to say about certain politicians—in nearly all cases his remarks were made to reporters with the stipulation that they not be revealed until after Mr. Ford’s death. Ford said Carter was a “disaster” and our best president was Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Happy Birthday, Georgia

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I went to lunch with Jimmy Huston and one of his daughters, Georgia. Jimmy took a package to post before lunch. I said that he didn’t need any stamps and suggested he simply leave it on the street. Some kind soul would deliver it or mail it.

World History – Lesson 2

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As you will recall I decided to write a history book that is easy enough for any nine year old to understand. Becki, a distant cousin, is about nine. (History lesson 1) Becki wrote me back a nice letter about our forefathers. Here is my answer to her, along with lesson 2.

Becki’s History of the World

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I decided to write a history book for any (smarter than average) nine year old a decade or so ago. Becki, a cousin, was about nine and she was smarter than average. Way smarter. Now she’s a lawyer.

A Silver Dollar, a Tub and a Wedding

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My father, Jack Summers, and Uncle Bill stand between the bridesmaid and Aunt Ivy (the bride in blue). My father had murder on his mind. Thomas Wolff once said “You can’t go back,” and Edward Albee said, “There are no second acts in American lives.”

Mercy Stone

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What is the Mercy Stone™? Testimonials Killing with the Mercy Stone™ User Groups

Simplify, Simplify, Simplify,

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My wife, Kate, and I have had our most serious arguments because of extreme clutter, spawned by her deep-seated neuroses. Our condo had become a colossal trash compactor. Help was on the way…. Or so we thought.

The Hollywood Fast Lane

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She was a gentle and beautiful child (albeit precocious) when she and her mother moved into our condos here at Goofy Acres in Los Angeles. We called her Duh because whenever anyone put to her a question such as – “Isn’t it lovely today?” she would always say something like, “Well, Duh, the sun is out.”

Roof Rat

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Notes from the homeowner – I heard scratching noises above the ceiling tiles. The roof rat was back. There was a hole in the wall by the top of the bookcase that looked like the access that the rat used. I placed glue-pads on the bookcase

A Bit of a Pickle

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Charlie Pickle specialized in refrigeration. He was working after hours and he tumbled into a vat of brine and was electrocuted and then frozen to death by some kind of automated machinery in this pickle factory. What would be the chances of a guy

Travel Controls

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Max Wayward was the first person publicly executed in California as a result of the Travel Controls & Restrictions Act of 2007. The governor of California presided over a television special, showing authorities strapping a sedated Wayward to a green gurney as a medical doctor pumped blue liquid into his main artery.

The Big Picture

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The third planet had turned into a tiny sun and the aliens were sad to see the end of the human race. What had gone wrong? Toward the end of their reign on earth, the humans argued incessantly over a couple of fun subjects. One was evolution, the other was Intelligent

To Live Forever

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The old man was fabulously rich, having acquired his wealth making puzzles and riddles. In the few weeks (or was it hours?) that the old man had left, he summoned the brightest inventors in the world to his deathbed and said he had one last riddle, or was it a request?

Bold Alberta Finance

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An open letter to the premier of Alberta: Our provincial government earns way over a billion dollars annually from oil. Using a revolutionary concept that I devised (after my 9th Tony Roberts Seminar) we could turn that paltry sum into over 100 billion dollars (real money).

War of the Worlds

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I usually have the greatest admiration for Steven Spielberg, a film genius. War of the Worlds. Its best feature is the voice over by Morgan Freeman. The guy could convince me that my wife is perfect. He has that kind of power. He’s so good that he could probably convince my wife that I’m perfect.

Magic Waters of the Rockies

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Above us an enormous snowflake hovers in the vibrant air of the Canadian Rockies. The snowflake, Sputnik-sized, is a white octagon—supported by eight pillars encircling a shimmering pool. As my wife, Kate, and I float in the pool, we hear relaxing harmonies as…

The Beauty of it All

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I’m not a bawl baby but a sunset moves me to tears…and perhaps, larceny. Sunday at Kinkos. Two employees kibitzed at the rear counter. “Would you make a few copies for me?” I asked. “Use the self-service copiers, Dude,

My Wife Keeps Cussing

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My wife, Kate, came across a few notes that I had scribbled. Here is what she read – “It’s amazing how tiny decisions change our lives. “You take your dog for a walk and he shakes his lead and you end up running into an old friend.

Crocodile Hunter

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I spent a fun weekend with Steve Irwin, the Australian Crocodile Hunter. Recently, he was criticized for “introducing” his newborn to a man-eating croc. Steve and Terry (his beautiful wife) have repeatedly risked their lives (along with their kids) to provide TV viewers

Keeping Abreast of the Red Planet

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As most earthlings know we now have two rovers, roving across the surface of Mars. Both are looking for water because water will prove that life could have existed on Mars. Once we can establish that water was on Mars, we may be able to prove that cowboys and ranchers inhabited the red planet many years ago.

The Friendly Skies

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Once upon a time there was a clever CEO (let’s call him Glenn) who ran one of the most successful airlines in the world (let’s call it United Airlines). Now into our story comes Patricia. She’s 46 with two teenagers and, sad to say, she’s been a widow for a few years. Patricia is a United Airlines flight attendant with an MA in languages and,

Misunderstanding

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Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted to a possible faux pas in his dealings with women prior to winning the governorship in The Golden State of California. “My sin, if you could call it that, is in the past, I categorized women. I am very sorry for that. No group of people should be grouped together without…

Bankruptcy Terminated

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In 2010, Little Arnold, sat down at his Apple computer. It was a G-22, way better than the clunky G-5 of the early 2000s. There were a lot of other children in the kindergarten class. Most of them were named Arnold. Some were called “Arnie” and a few went by “Termy” ¾short for Terminator.

Suffer the Little Children

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Veronica was a beautiful five-year-old blonde with a smile that could subdue the most dastardly curmudgeon. The child was blessed with parents who adored her. You could reason with Veronica. Perhaps because they had experienced “tough love” as children, the parents

Model Spokesperson

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Supermodel Niki Bassett divides her hectic life between New York runways and faraway Ethiopia. Ms. Bassett, who earns $100,000 a day posing for clients such as Victoria’s Secret, returned via private jet from Ethiopia where she had addressed indigenous groups in an effort to raise the consciousness of women…

Open the Poles

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In a surprise strategy that stunned the nation, President Bush announced his new running mate for 2004 is Saddam Hussein. “I promised to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Who knows more about their locations than Saddam Hussein? When he’s on our team he’ll take us to those hidden bunkers…

Baghdad’s B&B

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As my loyal readers know I am in Baghdad covering the second of the three Gulf Wars. The bombs are raining down and blowing appendages about but, to be honest, I am more concerned about the shabby manner that I am being treated in the Mohammed Motel in downtown Baghdad.

Interview with a Human Shield

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Mr. Martin Shield, 43, born in Seattle, Washington, is an Episcopalian and pacifist. During the last decade Mr. Shield has repeatedly placed himself in harms way to bring injustices to the attention of the world. He has paid a steep price for his

What’s in a Name?

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George Mohammed, a world-famous linguist, is a Persian-American who has spent most of his life working with the United Nations. Now 64, Dr. Mohammed faces the greatest challenges of his career. He is in charge of renaming various parts of Iraq to mirror the recent regime change.

The Future of Us

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The beginning of the end of the world might have been in Vietnam when a general explained he had to destroy the village of Ben Suc in order to save it. A few decades later, actually only a heartbeat in terms of the so called indomitable human spirit, the most powerful nation in the world fell upon a nasty dictator who possessed..

Shoebox Filing

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When it comes to organizing our lives, we use the modified shoebox method around our household. We scribble Bills on the end of a shoebox—we stuff all our financial stuff into it. We have shoeboxes for everything but our shoes. Footwear we put in apple boxes. I don’t know why.

The Longest Bookstore

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Between Christmas 2002 and the New Year, Kate and I journeyed a thousand miles up the Amazon of South America. We employed a native dugout canoe. We took on the deadly Amazon because we wanted to explore the second..

Nostradamus and 9-11

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Born in the early 16th century, Nostradamus wrote poems with four lines, quatrains. Notradamus Qnostradamus1uatrains were French but they also contained Italian and Greek and Latin. Many scholars (I, among them) feel these quatrains predict the future…

This Little Piggy

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CNN: Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the suspected mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks and a senior operative in Osama bin Laden’s al-Qaida network, was captured Saturday in a joint raid by CIA and Pakistani agents.

Passing on the Flame

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Our university graduates are crackerjacks. The best. Take the four young men who rent our house—sterling Canadians to whom I will pass the flame. The men, ages 22 to 30, have collectively racked up 75 years of education. They communicate in twenty

Flipping Houses

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After I was fired as assistant foreman of the poultry farm, I decided to go into the real estate industry. (Over the last twelve years I have purchased most of the real estate courses available on late night cable shows.) The basis of these courses is to show

Send in the Clones

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News Item:  The Iraqi government has enlisted Saddam Hussein look-alikes in an effort to thwart assassination attempts on their leader. In a secret section of Iraq, Saddam Hussein strolled past the his many clones, standing ramrod straight.

Extreme Phone Sex

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The cellular phone or cell is the world’s most successful sex prop. Body language is what counts in the mating game and extreme posturing is what the cell encourages. You’ve seen the TV ads. Astonished nerd assumes beautiful

Advice to the Young Writer

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There are Seven Writing Secrets. Ha—surprise. If you promise Seven anything Secrets, people will read you. (See? I’ve gotten you this far….) Now, onto writing secrets…. Ryan, early 20s, the nephew of an old

Colorful Characters

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I recently spent several days in the world’s friendliest city, New York. The town is coming back like a lion and the colorful residents turned out to be some of the most helpful I have ever had the pleasure to spend time with. If the terrorists thought they have brought the city to its knees those terrorists were sadly mistaken.

Auto be a Law

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As readers of this column may recall my wife recently committed an error that resulted in the theft of our Acura Legend. The person who stole our favorite car was charged with operating a vehicle without the permission of the owner. In California this is a misdemeanor equivalent to spitting in public.

Auto Be More Assertive

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I have always thought that love was more important than possessions so I was understanding when the action (or should I say, non-action) of Kate, my wife, resulted in a car “accident.” The car was an Acura Legend that I took very good care of. Each Saturday morning I lugged a bucket of soapy hot water to the garage so that Kate…

The Boy With The Large Head (Part-2)

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They say nothing happens in Coronation. I proved the fallacy of this in Part l. Part 2 concludes this amazing story that had its roots in Coronation. As you will recall I promised to explain how George, a boyhood acquaintance with an enormous head, became the subject of a bizarre investigation by the Royal Canadian

The Curious Case of the Boy With The Large Head

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Freddie and Winnie produced two children. A boy, George, was born with a gigantic head. He was a hydrocephalic. The kids branded him Humpty Dumpty.

Blessed Are the Children

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Dear Mr. Yasser Arafat, As the leader of the Holy Roman Empire, I and the rest of the civilized world, are appalled by your encouraging suicide bombers, little more than children, to enter various pizza restaurants in the state of Israel, blow themselves up and kill innocent citizens. Isn’t there something we can do to..

Somebody

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My wife, Kate, never gets angry with me. And I never get angry or even impatient with her. You see, whenever we speak, we always refer to somebody else. Let me give you an example. When I came home the other day,

St. Patrick’s Day

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If you want to have an ancient Celtic wedding you need three things. Two people to agree to marry each other and a druid. Finding two people to marry each other is achievable. Locating a druid is a bit of a puzzle. No druids are listed in the yellow page.

Gimme a (Coffee) Break

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Although I am in prison, I am innocent. The one thing I might be guilty of is living The American Dream. I hit upon a legal and (if I do say so myself) an ingenious method to earn $6,000 a day using cats and several items that anyone could purchase.

The World’s Best Directors

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A friend of mine invited me to attend the Directors Guild of America in Los Angeles and listen to their five nominees for Outstanding Directorial Achievement. Baz Luhrmann, famous for Strictly Ballroom, seemed to be as graceful and as full of energy as one of the lead male dancers from his film, Moulin Rouge.

From Brad to Bard

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Dear Professor Ben, Welcome to the heady ranks of the very very successful Hollywood writer. I am delighted you have finally achieved a (some say the) plateau where you grasp that you must focus on the type of brad employed in binding a screenplay.

To All the Girls I’ve Loved

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John Michael Hughes recently explained to the authorities why he let himself into a Malibu, California house. He said his fiancée, movie star Meg Ryan, forgot to leave her key under the mat. He had had no option but to kick in a bedroom window and enter. This seems reasonable to me but the cops called it breaking and entering.

Ax and Ye Shall Receive

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Pablo Moreira, 28, a Uruguay banker, says he will sue United Airlines and Tony Robbins for interfering with his travel plans. “It started out innocently enough,” said the banker. “After we took off from the States I told some of the flight attendants that I could secure preferred charge cards for people who are..

Cake Walk

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Kenny Lay and I were having a drink the other day and he chatted about his resignation as CEO from Enron, America’s energy giant. “Are you bitter?” I asked. “Why, no. I’ve squirreled away a few bucks for a rainy day.” “Kenny,” I asked, “how much did you squirrel?”

Secrets of LA Freeway Driving

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First you require a vehicle. I tested Lamborghinis, Range Rovers and Hummers—each more disappointing than its predecessor. So many imperfections. A moon roof whistled at 200 MPH, a gas cap was crafted poorly, the horn did not scatter pedestrians effectively and…

Snip, Snipe, Snip

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When I am in the midst of composing one of my hilarious weekly columns, my wife often interrupts me with the pretense of cutting my hair. The result is the loss of a brilliant column, albeit the appearance of my ears. Today, as I was thirty-seven per cent into an exquisitely funny column, Kate said, “Time for a trim.”

Taliban Barbie

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A group of Taliban religious leaders plans to market “Taliban Barbie”™ early in the New Year, according to investigative journalist Geraldo Rivera. General Mohammed Sphincter explained to Mr. Rivera outside of Kabul that “Taliban Barbie”™ will help to reeducate members of the al-Qaida network along with its supporters.

Bin Laden – Inside Job

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Los Angeles (CNN) — Passengers and crewmembers aboard a United Airlines 747 overpowered Mohammed Reid shortly after he tried to detonate plastic explosives at 35,000 feet above the Pacific Ocean. This is the second attempt by terrorists in less than a week to hide powerful

Road Tolls

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Dear Sirs, There is no question that my wife, Kate, and I were driving on your toll road at the time and place indicated on our recent “Notice of Toll Evasion.” I fully and freely admit this. My wife continues to harbor doubts. May I explain?

New Zealand! (The Perfect Haven)

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From our condo in Los Angeles, my wife, Kate, and I watched CNN document the horror of the terrorist attack on New York and the Pentagon. I thought we were watching a preview of a special effects movie … until I realized there were no commercials. In the following days I became nutso..

How to Feel Great

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There are many ways to write a column and if you are busy, busy, busy often all you do is read the first and last paragraph. If you are one of those people, here’s the first and last paragraph. First paragraph—When my wife, Kate, and I walked onto the grounds at the Optimum Health Institute …

Sex on the Sand

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Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. bin Laden had been dwelling in the Afghanistan desert for what seemed like forever. Bin Laden’s youngest wife had said at breakfast over shriveled figs, “it’s like we have been living like sand crabs on this like desert for like eons.” “I don’t appreciate it when you use the word ‘like,'” said her husband.

Understanding bin Laden

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Many readers around the world are no doubt familiar with a recent fax that bin Laden sent. Fortunately the CIA was able to decode several secret messages within the fax. The English translation of the text follows in black. The blue section is the part decoded by the CIA:

Desert Love

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Afghanistan is a bitter and hostile country where countless people perish under a relentless desert sun. A land of terrorists and drug dealers, a land of radical religions. But it also a land of spectacular panoramas and delightful people. One such delightful person is Osama

Paradise on Earth

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Stop reading unless you are a terrorist. And not just an ordinary terrorist but one of the followers of Osama bin Laden who was involved in the mayhem of 9/11. Hi. Mohammed be with you. First I want to tell you, you guys are brilliant.

The Soul of Mankind

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As readers of this column know, my wife and I live in a small condo. Until recently there were no children here. I like children; I’ve always said they’re the soul of mankind. A few days ago, Ruth Smith moved into the complex with her eight-year-old twins—a girl named Sally and a boy, Damian.

Hang Ups!

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A twenty-seven-year old widow is helping to make it a misdemeanor to drive while talking on a cell phone throughout many North America communities. Donna Babing, working with the Sierra Club, has also been behind legislation barring cell phone calls on federally owned wetlands.

Benny Hinn’s Older Brother

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World-famous televangelist Benny Hinn has postponed his Super Christian Crusade that was to originate in Salt Lake City, Utah at the end of June. Reverend Hinn was airvaced today to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota to undergo emergency treatment for a life-threatening staphylococcal infection.

Deep Dolphin

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An expert on deviant animal behavior was arrested Sunday on first-degree murder charges in this seaside community of rock stars, movie celebrities and corporate executives. Dr. Patrick Finley, 68, who taught and lectured throughout the world and was a frequent contributor to National Geographic, is being held without bail in

Mr. Mills

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They say nothing ever happened in Coronation but few people ever sat in on Mr. Mills’ fifth grade class, my home room teacher. Mr. Mills, would look out the second-story window of our red brick schoolhouse as a car sped by and ask, “I wonder what that driver is going to do with his extra two minutes?”

Oh, Baby!

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I met Mr. and Mrs. Brady in their home in Las Vegas. Their four-bedroom residence had been turned into a media circus. As readers will recall, the Bradys made headline news when Mrs. Brady gave birth to 18 babies last month. During our interview, haggard church

Reverend Jesse Jackson Clears the Air

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Jaron: Reverend Jackson, what’s wrong with America? Reverend Jackson: It’s morally bankrupt. The greatest sin is Men of God who betray their families. These so-called Christian leaders shag anything that struts by their steeples. Jaron: Why do women allow it?

Egging Me On

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Life may imitate art, but around our home, marriage imitates international relations. Last Sunday I was preparing omelets for my wife Kate and her parents. My mother-in-law Betty (who understands fully that when I am creating a culinary masterpiece

Getting Yours

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I met with a strange duck to find out some of his secrets for survival. He lives in Los Angeles and his name is Mr. Noraj. Mr. Noraj is a middle-aged man with a warm smile who likes kids and has thinning hair. Few people realize what kind of diabolical things he perpetrates on a daily basis.

The Advantage of Pimples

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Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones ripped off banks for zillions in the exciting feature film “Entrapment” produced by my buddy, Michael Herzberg — how’s that for dropping names? Mr. Connery had Ms. Zeta-Jones working under him for much of the movie.

Sam Fitzlehead the 1st

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At noon last Friday, a human being was cloned for the first time in the United States of America. The father of the clone (or, rather, the donor of the DNA that created the clone) is Sam Fitzlehead, a janitor at American Research Gene Laboratories in Seattle, Washington.

Dr. Erve: The Early Years

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Dr. Con S. Erve, Canada’s leading anthropologist, first achieved notoriety for his studies of the Wo-Wo Tribe. The Wo-Wo tribe was composed of 2,724 aboriginals who worshiped at a sacred “Ocean Beach” in northern Alberta. No one knew that landlocked Alberta

Hang Ups

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Claude Cramp teaches an intensive course in urban driving skills to rich bitches. Jaron: As a former employee of the Department of Motor Vehicles, do you enjoy your job? Mr. Cramp: I love it. I specialize in helping the rich hone their driving skills.

The Ever-Vigilant Roof Monitor

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Dear Ms. Bendhard, Let us set the record straight. I have never entered your condo illegally. As you know, I have a number of listening devices, including a stethoscope that I use to locate running water. Wayward water and wayward vixens are my concern!

Love: A Many Splendored Thing

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I met Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Brigham Splendor just outside of Salt Lake City. They, as old-time Mormons once did, practice plural marriage. Today the Mormons (The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) excommunicates any of its members involved in polygamy.

The Cannibals are Coming

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I woke up the other day because there were two Maoris knocking at my door. Maoris are the original Polynesian natives of New Zealand. These dudes were in dark suits and looked like IBM reps except they were carrying spears and their faces were

Jack’s Back

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Jack, the Mad Russian, is dead. Shot between the eyes. Suicide say the police. (See my last column.) His brand new Lexus X5 SUV towers over a Porsche Carrera-4. Their combined value could hit two hundred thousand. After the police smashed down the Mad

Bye Jack

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Happy holidays. About a week ago I returned to our small condo complex and noticed that our neighbor’s door down the hallway was open. I went to the door and knocked and a stranger wandered out of a back bedroom.

Brain Freeze

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In recent years we have come to think of our brain as a computer. In the good old days of Aristotle we knew what the brain was. A refrigerator. No, I’m not kidding. Aristotle had it figured out that the brain was used to cool the blood.

Toast & Tea Diet

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You think that gets rid of the cholesterol? Do you realize it probably concentrates it?” Kate asked. “Do you realize you’ll die if you don’t have enough cholesterol in your body?” I asked. I slowly ate the peanut butter diet toast and then I swallowed a small green pill that the doctor had given me to reduce cholesterol. “Besides, I don’t have to worry about cholesterol,” I said. “That’s what these pills are for. If it makes you happy, I’ll take two.”

My Closest Brush with Death

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Recently I underwent a medical procedure that brought me as close to death as it is possible to achieve without actually dying. I am talking about a procedure involving the insertion of a six-foot tube into your body to have “a look around.” This snake-like gadget is along the lines of common garden hose with a camera in

How to Paint A Bathroom

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My wife Kate has this hormone imbalance thing. A lot of women do. One learns to live with it. It caused us a few problems so we decided to see a marriage counselor. The marriage counselor, Dr. Seesaw, said that women were from Venus and guys were from Mars. I asked…

The Inside Poop of the Rich and Famous

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Mr. Richard (Rich) Twit, the world’s wealthiest man arose after a long and sleepless night. Several of his zillion dollar mergers were not going well. Mrs. Twit had a frightful headache and there had been no sex for Mr. Twit for some weeks now. The government was threatening yet another suit to bust up Mr. Twit’s many, many conglomerates.

Cloned Co-eds

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Even in the fields of eugenics and DNA, few have heard of Dr. Stein. A year ago Wired Magazine printed a passing reference to him, dubbing the scientist, “The Poor Man’s God.” Intrigued, I tracked down Dr. Stein. Dr. Stein, 67, wears eyeglasses that are duct taped together and dresses in what appears to be thrift-shop clothing.

Top Dog

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The world’s most powerful man is the President of the United States. When you think of the President what is the first image that comes to your mind? Air Force One? Old Glory? The President chatting with the nation from the Rose Garden?

Make Fifty Bucks an Hour

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All you have to do is click on the following logo of PayPal. You fill in a few blanks and they deposit five dollar$ in your bank account. Make payments with PayPal – it’s fast, free and secure! (I, by the way, receive five bucks for your doing this. But you don’t pay me a cent.

Kissing Cousin

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Some people are blessed with many relatives. I am not. As a matter of fact, I only have four cousins, one of whom is a girl: Priscilla. She is the issue of my mother’s twin brother. When we were kids, Priscilla had a pet rabbit that ran away and I was blamed for releasing it. Because we are the children of twins, Priscilla and I probably share more DNA

If You Go Into The Woods Today

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Several years ago, an American hunter mistook two friends for a big game animal in northern Alberta. The hunter shot both men as they sat on a parked all-terrain vehicle. The hunter was cleared by local courts “of hunting in a manner endangering other persons.”

The natives got our Bibles.

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Recently my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii. I found a fascinating biography by Elder Trevrep, a missionary, who helped civilize the natives. Here is the preface to his book: Aloha! It turned out that we ran low on bibles after a few days. To be fair to the natives

Cell Sell Sex

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The cell phone, the world’s most ubiquitous communications tool, may be for taking, but what about making a sexual statement? Success in the business world is this millennium’s aphrodisiac. A male who announces within seconds of meeting the female that his net worth

Concorde Background

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Several readers have asked about the time I almost crashed the Concorde. Well, like most things I write—the better ones (I think) are based on my unusual but actual experiences. A few decades ago I was writing a screenplay for Andrew McLaglen. He is a world class director and the son..

Stupider Than a Speeding Bullet

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I thought about going for a spin on the Concorde when the famous plane was here for our air show last month but I was short of cash and besides I’ve already had the pleasure of flitting across the Atlantic on the craft. As a matter-of-fact it was aboard the Concorde that I was treated like an idiot and the captain pointed at me after we

High Fliers

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Timing. It’s everything. Take the case of the recent Concorde disaster. Many years ago my wife and I flew on it. Lots of fun. Had we taken the Concorde flight a few days ago, we would be dead. But we missed the ill-fated ride by at least a decade.

Shtick and Stones

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Dear Jaron Summers, After review by our legal department we have decided not to reinstate you as a contributor of Themestupid. We suspected you were a racist. Now we have proof since you have been posting articles on our system using several aliases in which you use …

Hong Kong

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Six years ago my wife and I visited an astonishing city: Hong Kong. Mirrored skyscrapers shimmered like silk. Wealth was everywhere. Except in broken shadows where harnessed coolies pulled rickshaws. My wife, Kate, says that Hong Kong swelters like a desert city without a beach.

Womb Mates

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I participated in two rituals recently. One was a sweat lodge ceremony on the plains of Alberta near Edmonton. The sweat lodge looks like an igloo made of hides or canvas. In it native North Americans conduct a series of rituals they have repeated for countless generations.

Secrets of Billionaires

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Who is the richest man on the planet? (Hint: it’s still Bill.) Who among you has illegal copies of Bill’s software? (I would guess 98 per cent of the people who read this.) Which brings us to the latest theory generated by my large brain: there is a link between having your work illegally

Eskimo Parrot

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In humor writing you have to be careful who you make fun of. I wrote a hilarious story about selling a house to a Mexican. I made fun of myself and my family. The story, as an added bonus and an example of my talent, was also poignant. I titled the story: ….

I, Hernia

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Hello, I am Jaron’s Hernia and this is my story. Hernia is Latin and made up of: “Her” and “Nia.” “Her” is Jaron’s wife, Kate, and she brought me into existence by complaining that their condo was leaking. This caused Jaron, clutching a hundred

Cyber Cash

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Cyberspace is filled with information. The great thing about owning information is you can sell it. Unlike a car, after you sell information you still have the information—plus you have more information about the people who bought it from you, so you have more information to sell and so on. I think Bill Gates picked the right area to get into.

Selling Digets

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On the Web, it’s a challenge to sell digets. Digets (rhymes with widgets) are anything with digital content ~ a book, a software program, information, art, music, etc. Cottage industry digeters are usually happy with a five or ten dollar sale…

Published Author

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And because most of us have a secret desire to be well-known and witty authors, there exists a vast network of sources ready to help us. You’ve seen the ads: a “reputable” New York or Toronto publisher is hunting for a few good writers. So you send in your manuscript—

Dog Dilemma

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Life is filled with dilemmas. The dog is four years old and is named Nike and belonged to my mother who died last year. My mother was 95 and as her only offspring I am the sole beneficiary and executor of her tiny estate. I’m in charge now. My wife and I inherited Mother’s house,

Dog Dilemma Two

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As readers will recall, after my mother died last year, I turned her home into a kennel for her beloved pup, Nike. He enjoyed my efforts but I worried he would get away and perish in cold weather or traffic. And Nike was lonesome. I could not take the adorable pup to Los Angeles with me because we cannot

No Juice, No Use

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Since I’ve had some luck writing screenplays, seldom a week goes by that a business person doesn’t offer me “a great motion picture idea.” These executives, many of whom have seen movies, all of whom wear mostly black clothing, attempt to induce me into writing their screenplay with offers of vast riches.

Homeopathic Psychology

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Our nephew Mandrake asked how my wife, Kate, and I managed to remain blissfully together for over two decades while many other couples wound up divorced. “Mandrake,” I said, “even though you are only nine years old, you are mature enough to learn certain basic marriage concepts.

Futur — Sound Like Hooter

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Cloning is close to the ultimate act of egotism. So is making love to yourself. They could have dire consequences when they collide. Hans Moravec is his book, “Mind Children” says we will soon copy our minds and inject those minds into a clone or even a computer.

Do Not Read

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From time to time loyal readers ask me questions. A WARNING. There is a question coming up that you may find offensive. I certainly don’t want to upset you by talking about what you may feel is a deplorable habit. So if you have never masturbated or you feel it is immoral, DO NOT READ any further.

When I Die

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My darling wife, Kate: Well, I’m gone now and you ended up with the houses, the cars, the bank accounts, my gold Rolex, all my new suits, my seven computers and everything I ever wrote. It goes without saying that you’ll miss me tremendously and although you may

For Love or Money

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Yesterday afternoon, Charlie Dumbkoff was terminated as CEO of Citibank after a billion dollars disappeared. From time to time, stories had circulated concerning Citibank’s involvement in money laundering, murder and excessively high interest rates on credit cards.

A Note from Mr. Roof Monitor

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To: My fellow condo residents: I am sorry about the tar on the stairs. Here is my explanation. It rained and our skylight leaked. Since we have a flat roof, your roof monitor (me) got in my car and drove down to the valley and bought five gallons of tar and some plastic sheeting. I managed to get some of the

Chinese Chalk Talk

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My wife, Kate, is always buying things for our home that make no sense. We had ants; she bought some chalk to get rid of them. The chalk was made in China. I told her it was silly to think that chalk could rid us of ants. “Silly? Moi?” Kate asked, sweetly. Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly…

Pay Attention or Die

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Matthew Benson Applehead (MBA) had trouble peeing one night. Fearing he might be a diabetic, he ran to a nearby hospital. A passing car blinded him and while he was jabbering on his cell phone, a truck ran over him, killing him instantly. Bad luck, you say?

Be a Millionaire

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Many decent and fine folks who work from nine to five, seven days a week, will NEVER retire. They spend all their paychecks on food, clothing and housing. By the 22nd of each month, they run out of money and are forced to assume MASSIVE credit card DEBT to survive until their next meager paycheck.

Duck! The Sky is Falling in

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Get out while there is still time. The stock market will soon crash, so if you are in it, bail right now. As a matter-of-fact, the entire economy of the world is headed for a major meltdown. What amazing skills do I have that enables me to make such a prediction?

A New Direction for a Great Director

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Woody Allen is off to London. The world-famous New Yorker is set to direct his latest play, “Later-Yi,” in one of London’s newest boutique theaters. New York producers had nixed the play. “Later-Yi” is the poignant, yet hilarious story of what can go amiss when you fondle your stepchildren and later have

Whooping Moose

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Ten years ago, Dr. Erve, one of the world’s leading environmentalists, led a worldwide drive to save Canada’s whooping moose from extinction. The miniature moose, about the size of a rabbit, makes a sound similar to the whooping crane. There were forty-three of the small quadrupeds left on the planet.

The Final Day

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I’m a security guard. If I ever pass the police aptitude test, I’m going to be a full-fledged peace officer and then I can carry a gun. Just around midnight I was patrolling the South end of the city’s main nuclear generation facility when I observed this dude, dressed up like a friggin’ ninja, all in black, scaling the 15-foot cyclone

Bug Killer

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“Chip” Cursor was the first victim of the Millennium Bug in this century. On 01/01/00, I talked to Mr. Cursor in his hospital room where he was hooked up to life support. Mr. Cursor: Come back tomorrow. I’m expecting a call from my wife. Jaron: Your wife claims you went

Ho Ho Ho – Santa

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Christmas eve and the Ho-Ho-Ho boy is annoyed. Rudolph: What’s buggin’ you? Santa: You’ve been drinking again. Rudolph: Blizzard out there, Santa. Need a little antifreeze. Makes me lovable. Santa: You’re grounded.

The Last Lawsuit

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The year is AD 2027 and all but one of the millions of lawsuits precipitated by the Y2K bug have been settled. The plaintiff is Mr. Jaron Summers, a handsome elderly man with a warm, grandfatherly smile. He walks with graceful dignity using a silver cane, one of the innumerable gifts he’s received from royalty around the world.

The French Questions

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Although I have not spoken French for over 40 years, I remember all of it from junior high. (I was a child prodigy in romance languages.) Even my French teacher said I had an astonishing approach to linguistics. Curious she flunked me. Jealous, no doubt.

The Old Snake Bite Joke

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If penis jokes offend you — stop reading. What’d you know? You’re still with me. Good. Here goes: A rattlesnake bites Johnny on his John Henry. “Don’t panic,” says Johnny’s camping pal, “My trusty medical manual’ll tell us what to do

Don’t Box Me In

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My wife, whom I love dearly, has a box fetish.This is a tragic and deep-seated neurosis that is apparently part of her family’s DNA. It causes the females in her family to collect and hoard boxes, mostly cardboard. Over the past decade, Kate has crammed more and more boxes into our small condo and until last week there were so many in our bedroom that we could only make love in a south-by-southwestern configuration and only one participant had enough space to scream.

Magnets – Key to Immortaliy

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Soon we’ll be in a new century and a spanking new millennium. Most of you may find yourselves morosely wondering what you have done to change the world for the better. I, however, don’t have to fret because I invented something that had a profound imdpact on the human race.

Saving Gay Christians…

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Brother Fügenpacker was ever ready to assist widows and look after the homeless. Everyone in our congregation loved him in the truest sense of Christianity. Then Brother Fügenpacker took to wearing a skirt, along with matching high heels.

A Rose by Any Other Name

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When I was about 12 or 13, my mother told me that I was going to have problems when I reached puberty. “Why?” I asked. “The males on both side of our family take a long, long time to mature. Your father was almost 23 before he started to shave and my brother was a very late

Understanding the Female

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My wife, Kate, has this hormone imbalance thing. A lot of woman do. It caused us a few problems so we decided to see a marriage counselor. The marriage counselor, Dr. Seesaw, said that woman were from Venus and guys were from Mars. I asked Dr. Seesaw where she got her counseling degree? NASA, maybe?

Good & Grim News

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“I’m afraid, Mr. Evenkeel, I have both good and grim news for you,” Doctor Smith said softly to his patient. Evenkeel, who had been an eternal (albeit annoying) optimist most of his life, swallowed, then blinked in disbelief.

Brookheaven

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I’ve been using my large brain to hunt for a word to describe what happens when you have planned a great improvement for mankind and then, out of the blue, that improvement results in mayhem. “Blindsided” comes close, but it won’t do. Blindsided, while colourful, does not indicate that your misfortune happens due to your own tinkering.

Friends

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Charlie and Lucky were sitting in front of the hotel. It was a warm day, but soon it would be winter and neither one was looking forward to a chilly November or December. Charlie and Lucky were old friends and after they talked about the weather, Charlie (who was the younger by a few years) said that he had read that pets

Girl Talk – I am My Kid’s Nightmare

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Dr. Laura: I’m my kid’s mom and I’m here to share with you the importance of living high moral principles even if those around you call you a tattletale, goodie two-shoes or religious fanatic. We have Monica on the line. What’s your problem, Honey? Monica: I’m a sexual addict.

Studio Head

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The world’s most successful studio executive, Scot Squeegee, drove his new stretch Rolls Royce from his 60-room mansion in Bel Air to Streak Studios to view the rushes of: The Scot Squeegee Saga. According to reports in Daily Variety, The Scot Squeegee Saga was expected to play to sold-out crowds in theaters

A Sweet Investment – Part Two

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Chocolate. I love it. Forty years ago a Hershey chocolate bar cost five cents. The bar will cost $5.00 in 2017. The dollar won’t be worth squat. The chocolate will!

A Sweet Investment

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Kate: You remember when we were married? Jaron: Yes. Kate: Didn’t we agree that any time we contemplated purchases of over $500 we would discuss such an expense before it was incurred?

Sixty Minutes – and Counting

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Don Hewitt: We had a sensational show last week on 60 Minutes. How are we going to top it next Sunday? Mike Wallace: With a thought-provoking study of how dentists rip off old people when they do implants, starring yours truly. Lesley Stahl: Nice, very nice, Mike. I have an exposé on the way supermarkets cheat shoppers when they run pickles through scanners.

The Secret of Traveling Light

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We flew to Tahiti. As usual I had packed only a single flight bag. As usual my wife had overpacked, drastically. Tahiti is a Polynesian paradise. Why in the world would one want to take so much stuff?

The Art of Negotiation

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One of the many reasons I am so successful with my life is that I have studied how the masters of negotiations achieve spectacular results. There are three rules you must master if you are to come out ahead in a negotiation. Rule number one realize that the person

Jellybean Roulette – Put a Price on Your Life

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Three cheers for the human race: risk-takers whether we want to be or not. Exploring space, making love, brushing your teeth–all are fraught with degrees of risk. John Glenn has done all three. Three cheers for him. Because risk takers fascinate me, I invented the Jellybean Game.

Open Wide

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Since I had a brain tumor, I went to Dr. Ivey. He was a little crazy as most older dentists are. The reason for this is that people hate their dentists and after a lifetime of being hated, dentists turn a little crazy. Younger dentists are not crazy but they don’t know anything so it’s best to go to an older crazy dentist.

Kona Cat Diary

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We are in Kona for a few more days thanks to the cat. God bless that little creature. Our friends have a terrific place but they have wild chickens and of course roosters. They just woke me up.

Kona Kat 2 – S.O.S. from Hawaii

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A plea to all humans still alive. I managed to make another 12 cent film in Hawaii. I don’t know if I will be around to complete a third …. The felines have encircled the house here in Kona, they grow stronger each

Kona Kat – The Terrible Cat of Kona

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Greetings, we are out of Hollywood and in Hawaii. With luck we may return in time. In time for what I am not sure. The creature is back in Kona. The radiation did not kill him. It made him stronger and extremely dangerous to…

Twenty-five years ago Mother died….

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Counting pennies, hating birds… I usually concentrate on writing humorous pieces. Recently, though, I haven’t felt like writing funny stuff, since I’ve been thinking a lot about the death of my mother, Pearl. I miss her. She was wise and funny and compassionate.

From Cash Flow to Ice Floe

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The $15 bungalow Mom and Dad bought half a century ago…. My parents purchased our Edmonton bungalow in 1963 for $15. My wife, Kate (who monitors me far too closely) read my note on our computer screen. “Fifteen dollars? You’ve lost it again,” she said.

Paradise Found

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They say nothing happened in Coronation. Maybe. But maybe that was before our little family arrived. I was born in 1942 in a Calgary parking lot. Well, in those days it was the General Hospital.