Our friends seem compelled to send us things they have made over the years.

For example, their children (or worse, the photos of their kids). Here is a recent “family Christmas card” from an old friend.

lewis family

(Click to Enlarge)

My wife and I do not have any children and we are sad about this. But we are even more sad about the number of children our friends are producing. It was not easy, but after we received the above Christmas card I wrote the following to the man who was responsible for these 28 children. Has he no shame?

Dear Crismon,

Just received your family’s annual Christmas greeting with family photos attached.

I am saddened by the way your life has gone. Let us speak frankly.

Crismon, I had expected better of you. Don’t you recall when you worked for The Daily Universe at BYU in the 60s that I urged you to marry and have a decent-sized family?

That was over forty years ago — you let those years slip by and you obviously forgot my admonition. Didn’t you pay attention to anything I told you?!!

Bringing children into the world is our most important responsibility. Yes, you and your wife have 28 descendants but that works out to fewer than one child a year.

When I counted the few offspring you had in the photo albums you sent, I wept. I am ashamed of the way you neglected my words of wisdom. How do you justify your dismal track record? If your wife had given birth to just 12 children and each of them had 12 children — why, that would be 144. The third generation, thanks to enhanced fertility medication, could easily have twenty kids each. Now we’re talking decent figures. (And you don’t really need modern medicine*.)

I fear you not only failed to produce any children in quantity yourself but you passed this negative trait onto your offspring. Simply put, your grandchildren are not very good breeders. It was your responsibility to teach them the path of procreation. By word and by example. You are a failure. And, now your descendants are failures.

Of course, you could claim you had to do other things with your life. Like work and eat — say several meals a week — but if you think back over the years, I am sure you will admit that there were many times when your heart was simply not in it. Shame, Shame, triple-Shame on you. Because you spent a third of your life in bed was no excuse to sleep all the time.

There is plenty of blame to go around. Obviously your wife must take responsibility.

She looks young enough to have more children but we have to face facts. She is no longer in her prime.

A new year is coming upon us. Cut your wife loose, take a young and eager bride and make up for lost time. You still have time to produce a decent-sized progeny.

Time’s a’wasting, Brother. If you don’t change your ways, I feel it is my responsibility to have your name stricken from the church records of the LDS church for your shabby track record. My prayers are with you.


*from National Geo:  “Genghis Khan, the fearsome Mongolian warrior of the 13th century, may have done more than rule the largest empire in the world; according to a recently published genetic study, he may have helped populate it too.

“An international group of geneticists studying Y-chromosome data have found that nearly 8 percent of the men living in the region of the former Mongol empire carry y-chromosomes that are nearly identical. That translates to 0.5 percent of the male population in the world, or roughly 16 million descendants living today.”


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