BREAKING: California Bans Walking While Talking
According to Michael Powell, head of the FCC, effective June 1, 2003 — and enforced as of yesterday at midnight — California has become the ninth state to ban walking while talking on a cellular phone.
Powell said the thousands of deaths caused by drivers using cell phones are trivial compared to the bloodbath caused by pedestrians hunting for what experts call the electronic sweet spot.
“Over fifty thousand people are killed each year while attempting to locate it,” he said.
Dr. Donald McGoogle of Bell Telephone Labs defined the sweet spot as the precise location where a cell phone receives a perfectly clear signal for almost two full seconds.
“Have you ever watched someone looking for one?” asked Dr. McGoogle.
“They dart. They pivot. They lunge sideways. They step into traffic as if the bars on their phone outrank the laws of physics.”
The toll has been enormous.
Thousands have walked into moving vehicles. Thousands more have fallen and cracked their skulls open on sidewalks, curbs, and decorative planters. Several hundred have plunged into manholes, canyons, sinkholes, fountains, and at least one koi pond.
There are also 3,950 documented cases of cell users colliding with other cell users while attempting to seize the same sweet spot at the same time.
Scientists say the electronic sweet spot shifts constantly due to the rotation of the earth, holes in the ozone layer, atmospheric disturbance, and plain old malice.
“If something is not done,” Powell warned, “we could lose a million Americans by the end of the decade — or at the very least have them scattered over several parking lots.”
Ironically, people in moving vehicles are more likely to pass through an electronic sweet spot.
Dr. McGoogle explained, “The faster you drive, the greater the chance of briefly achieving perfect reception, which in theory reduces panic, though often only moments before impact.”
For that reason, Powell said he always drives 85 miles an hour on highways and city streets while talking on his cell phone.
“I’m not reckless,” he said. “I’m committed to clarity.”