President HU Jintao
Dear President Jintao,
We have dozens of highly motivated and trained scientists working for us in our pursuit to equalize the great discrepancies that exist among nations.
For some time now we have felt that China is the future of mankind. We are committed to do whatever it takes to help you and your people succeed.
It is our belief that one of the few things that stands in the path of China’s domination (benign) of the world is your great country’s lack of energy.
As we both know, China, while blessed with the finest minds on the planet, lacks crude oil. Many countries that would enslave the world (and could hold it hostage) seem to have endless oil reserves.
We have come up with a bold solution to China’s dilemma.
In simplest terms, Deep Drilling.
We are not talking a few miles but a technology that would allow you to drill through the earth itself.
We got the idea from an American movie called The China Syndrome — this is a metaphor for what happens when a nuclear power plant fails and sinks all the way to, you guessed it, China.
We figured we would just reverse the metaphor. Sink something from China to this side of the world. (If they made a movie out of it, you might call it The Saskatchewan Syndrome).
Three years ago a group of scientists sold us the technology that employed laser drills that could punch a 42-inch wide hole from Shanghai to the oil rich fields of such destinations as Alberta, Texas or Saudi Arabia.
In a nut shell, our technology would enable you to burrow oil shafts many thousands of miles beneath China and thus siphon off the oil from under various countries.
Obviously you could not in good conscience harvest natural resources from beneath sovereign territory such as Alaska.
But you could sink a shaft from Shanghai to a few meters beyond the international boundaries of Alaska. As a matter-of-fact, almost any spot below international waters would be fair game.
As your scientists will tell you, it is not feasible to drill directly through the center of the earth due to the molten state that exists at our planet’s core but you could strategically access most major oil fields by “side” drilling — that is harvesting oil obliquely.
There are obviously a great many other minerals you could “capture” this way.
The power for our laser drill is generated by a small nuclear reactor the size of a washing machine.
We have tested and retested our technology, and I am pleased to inform you that we have three working models that operate almost flawlessly. (Two tiny thermonuclear events — blown out of proportion by local media — are now well behind us.)
Once the 42-inch shafts are in place, massive oil fields beneath international waters can be drained to your benefit using vacuum pumps and gravity.
May I bring my team to your country and give you a practical demonstration of an astonishing technology that will insure China’s future domination of the world?
Jaron Summers, CEO
P.S. — you might wonder what you would use the empty 42-inch hole for after you had drained the oil. Get ready for this: 42-inch plasma TV sets.
This is what everyone wants to buy in North America. Continue to assemble the sets but use the tunnels to deliver them. Gravity and suction would do the trick. A win-win deal for the world.
Long Live China!
By the way, for centuries people have been trying to figure out how to use tunnels in the earth to travel.
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