Paradise on Earth

Stop reading unless you are a terrorist. And not just an ordinary terrorist but one of the followers of Osama bin Laden who was involved in the mayhem of 9/11.

Hi. Mohammed be with you. First I want to tell you, you guys are brilliant. With a handful of box knives and an airline schedule, you hit America where it hurts. Right in the old pocketbook. You also killed more of us than died in Pearl Harbor and the Titanic.

You topped any special effects we ever imagined in the movies.

Maybe some of you have watched Star Trek or Miami Vice or Buck Rogers. Did you know I wrote episodes for those TV shows? (I’ve written a couple of feature science fiction movies too — my agent is trying to sell those. But enough about my dull life.)

I have many friends who are TV and film writers and you are smarter than they are. Our collective brains could not begin to come up with the kind of ingenuity you guys did. It was brilliant.

You hurt us so much it absolutely astonished us.

Some of us realized America was vulnerable, especially in the commercial aviation world. We made it easy for terrorists to accomplish their evil. Sorry, I should not use the word terrorist — the correct phrase is freedom fighters. As a matter-of-fact, when you guys were fighting the Russians and we were helping you, we called you freedom fighters.

Earlier, I said this column was for the followers of Osama bin Laden. Well, besides his disciples, there are also a variety of other freedom fighters that are keen on destroying America.

I don’t know who these groups are, so I can’t identify them by name but let’s say you’re a freedom fighter and you work for someone who cheered when the World Trade Center crumbled. Then this column is for you too and please forgive me for not calling you by name. We Americans are a bit uninformed about much of the world.

Speaking of Americans, a lot of us are saying that we don’t know why you did what you did.

I think I know what you want.

You want to serve a greater power and you want to have happiness. Tragically, because of the way the world is, there is not a lot of happiness in this life for you — but you believe that, when you die, you will be in paradise and the men will possess at least twenty virgins.

If that is what your paradise is like (and I speak with the greatest respect for your religion), then I can understand why you willingly dive into paradise.

You are good and righteous freedom fighters. You deserve a reward and you are willing to walk through the door of death to get it. My hat is off to you!

Now it’s true that some of your leaders have found paradise on earth. For example, Saddam Hussein has dozens of palaces and who knows how many virgins? Certainly more than twenty. He has servants and power and great food to eat. He is one smart fellow — no wonder he’s always smiling. Except when he’s annoyed with the President of the United States. (Between you and me, I get annoyed with our president from time to time even though some people think he’s a hero.)

Osama bin Laden certainly is a hero among heroes and although he lives sometimes in a cave and has a rock for a pillow, his hundreds of millions of dollars make life rather pleasant for him.

From America to Afghanistan and Pakistan to Paris, the guys with the purses get the pussy.

Think of the virgins you could have if someone gave you millions of dollars. I have to tell you, even if you lived under a leaf in the hills of Afghanistan and are a little ripe, you could have a lot of fun. With millions, you’d be farting through silk sheets in Switzerland before you knew it.

But the problem is how do you get dollars? Good news! It’s easy.

Of course, no freedom fighter wants to betray anyone he respects but we both know there are people you are working for you don’t respect at all. They are getting the gals and you’re getting killed. Heck, they’ve probably managed to get some of your friends or your close relatives killed.

So do us both a favor and help us find some of those guys you are pissed off with who are making you die while they stay at home and screw their brains out. Just call 866-483-5137 and stand by for buckets of money.

On the dark side, if Americans have to hunt down some of your bad leaders who are not as committed to freedom as you are, there will be a world war. Picture the world as an apple. Picture just a smoldering apple core left. No fun.

Half the world are women, half are men. If all of us die, then the most you can hope for is one or two women in paradise. There’s a good chance those women won’t even be virgins.

So call 866-483-5137 in America or get in touch with an American Embassy anywhere in the world.

Tell them that you’re willing to reveal who the bad leaders are, the corrupt leaders. You’ll end up with all the money and virgins you want and you can enjoy paradise on earth.

I’m serious about the money waiting for you. Take Osama bin Laden. He’s a bright guy but he’s got cancer and he wants to die. Maybe you don’t want to go with him. If you don’t, you can pick up five million dollars for one phone call…866-483-5137.

Think of it — Paradise on Earth.

Peace be with you, my brothers.

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