Chinese Chalk Talk

My wife, Kate, is always buying things for our home that make no sense. We had ants; she bought some chalk to get rid of them. The chalk was made in China. I told her it was silly to think that chalk could rid us of ants. "Silly? Moi?" Kate asked, sweetly. Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly...

My wife, Kate, is always buying things for our home that make no sense.

We had ants; she bought some chalk to get rid of them. The chalk was made in China. I told her it was silly to think that chalk could rid us of ants.

“Silly? Moi?” Kate asked, sweetly. Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly, much like the hooded cobra of Eastern India.

I realized I had better choose my words well. After years of marriage, husbands learn to avoid subjects that deal with any female disorder, real or perceived. On the other hand, wives spend countless productive days, often weeks, analyzing the many horrible disorders the male has, particularly his “inner beast” qualities.

(The inner beast is something that must be driven out of the male and if it cannot, then he must be confined to an isolated room or a divorce lawyer must be employed…unless something threatens the female. Say a rogue elephant charges, then, of course, it’s the husband and his inner beast who are expected to stand against any oncoming monster.)

But I digress. I held up the small yellow package that contained the Chinese Chalk and read:  “Miraculous Insecticide Chalk. Kills cockroach and ant. Harmless to human being and animal.” Then I asked:  “I’d like to know how this Miraculous Chinese Chalk, works, Dear.”

“You use it to draw around anything that you don’t want ants or cockroaches to get to,” said Kate. “Look, I circled these petunias. Yesterday they had ants.”

I did not mention I had dusted our petunias with insecticide. Rather, I used a clever technique that husbands learn early in their marriage. I agreed, even though I knew my wife was wrong. “You’re right,” I said.

“So who’s silly now?”

“I am the silly one.” But I was thinking that if the chalk really worked then all we would have to do is draw a circle around our house and no more nasty bugs. Ha, ha, in my heart I knew it would show everyone how silly Kate’s Miraculous Chinese chalk was.

“You know,” said Kate. “If this chalk really worked that well, we could draw a circle around the entire city and keep ants out.”

“Only a guy would come up with a silly concept like that,” I said. “No logical woman would.”

“You must be very horny,” she said.

“Yes, I am.”

“I thought so,” she said. “I’m going to the bedroom and draw a chalk line around our bed. We don’t want ants attacking us when we are naked,” she said. “Follow me.”

The lesson learned? Well, if you haven’t figured it out, that’s why you’re still sleeping alone.

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jaron

Jaron Summers wrote dozens of primetime television and radio programs, including those for HBO, CBS, ACCESS TV and CBC. He conceived the TV and Film Institute of Canada. Funded by the University of Alberta and ITV, Jaron ran the Institute for 12 years, donating his services for a decade.

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