2nd of a three part series. Part 1
My wife and I rent our Alberta home to grad students.
An internet scammer, “Dr.” Juliet, attempts to trick us into sending her some money.
I convince Juliet I am crazy but gullible. And maybe a dirty old man. (Little does she know how close to the truth this is.)
Unknown to her, I create multiple nutty landlords who have a “room to rent” in other parts of the country.
He has a large primate with a deadly disease that he keeps hidden in his Vancouver Penthouse.
Perhaps I go too far with this goofy persona.
Juliet does not answer either the Professor or me.
A few days pass and I morph into Susan White.
My MO is to take a snippet of Juliet’s original note and act as though it was sent to the new landlord I have become — I figure Juliet (who may be a guy) has sent out so many inquiries she can’t keep track of her email.
This may be the undoing of her. A fellow can dream, can’t he?
Dear Mr. Juliet,
English is probably your second language. Or maybe you are functionally illiterate. I started to correct your spelling and grammar but then stopped. Old habits die hard. I taught English as a second language in China.
London is a long way away. This must be quite a change for you. If I can help, I will.
Even though the news says there is flooding here, we are very safe. God bless.
The above gets no immediate answer.
Then I (as Landlord Jaron) get a note from Juliet saying that she still wants money but she will be not be involved as the subject of a bizarre physical examination performed by a quack M.D. friend of mine in London.
As as for the picture i dont share my nakedness with someone that is not my comnpanion so please mind what u are asking me to do ok let me know when u will send the money ok … hope to hear from u soon ok
Filled with remorse, I send the following email, making a full confession to Juliet:
I have gone through several days of hell. I was feeling so good and so clever. I have a confession to make, well several. There is no Tony. My head, which was not right, made that all up.
If you had agreed to a physical examination I was going to fly over there and perform the exam myself. I even bought some medical supplies on the internet. After I saw your photo I went almost crazy wanting to be near you. I know that is wrong. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry !!!! I will never skip my meds again. PROMISE.
Can you forgive me?
Worse, my wife found out what I was doing and deleted all our letters and I don’t even know how to get your address to send the money to.
But I suppose it’s too late now. We have lost all trust.
I am back on meds and I kind of remember what I said and did but it’s fuzzy. I am not the same when I am off meds. I stop trusting people and I say and do things that are awful. Of course you could not be infected with any social diseases. That is just crazy. I can tell by looking at your photo that you are not that kind of girl. It’s just that you have the same bracelet as I bought for that bitch who looks like you. I thought she had plastic surgery and something had gone wrong. But that’s all behind us. You are an original. Funny nose and puffy tummy. I adore you.
The truth is we do have a large home. We do have beautiful rooms to rent to students. And you are certainly welcome.
I am kind of under house arrest. Not that I have done anything wrong. But it’s impossible for me to leave the grounds here — I will explain when you arrive. But you see, even if you had wanted me to exam you, I can’t leave our property. I know you will think this is crazy but you will understand when you see what they have put around my neck.
Please do not communicate with my wife.
Please give me another chance and tell me where to send the money so you can fly here. I insist on paying first class.
I am truly heartbroken.
with great respect, your friend — jaron
p.s. — could you send me just one photo of yourself without any clothing on, except maybe for a lobster bib or a dental napkin, the kind the hygienist puts around my neck before she cleans my teeth? I will pay you.
While I wait for her reply I become yet another character.
Meet an older gent in California — my latest persona: Popa Dwight Cluster. He fires off this letter to Juliet.
Did you write to my daughter, Georgia? Do you still need a lovely place?
$865 Room with private bath (Playa del Rey)
Juliet does not reply. It may be she is beginning to suspect that an unusual number of strangers are writing to her.
Perhaps she goes through her email to find out who these people are — each of whom is sending her a snippet of her original con letter — she is still not certain what is going on.
She has had enough. Almost. She writes back to several of us with this:
i have been emailing you and u told e u were mad or insane so i dont think there will be need to talk to me any more about any room since u have been lying to me all i need is a good house owner so that i will be safe ok
Juliet only wants a safe place. The poor dear. I write back. I try to reassure her.
First, I have been taking all my meds and despite what the people who live in the house say I am fine. I am thinking clearly and I again apologize for being too forward. You might think I want to see you without your clothing on for some twisted kind of sexual gratification but that is not true. I am an artist and when you come here I want to paint you. I will be happy to pay you to sit for me. So PLEASE don’t think I’m some old pervert. I am a free spirit and an artist who feels that humans can only be liberated when they are not restricted by clothing. I often paint in the buff. But that has nothing to do with SEX. I promise you.
As you know it’s difficult for me to get off the grounds here and run any errands around town. I have my own computer in my own quarters. I have changed my password so my wife cannot continue with her snooping. I was quite cross about her writing to you and I was even more angry when she erased some of our emails. I treasured what you said to me. You are really a nice person. (My email password is squirtme.) I trust you.
You will be flying to the Edmonton International Airport. The code for that is YEG. In checking with various carriers I find that we can get you on a plane by next Wednesday and the one way first class fare is $4223. You will be picked up by a friend of mine and driven here to the house. My friend is a house painter.
Our address is 11400 Whyte Avenue, Edmonton. It overlooks the River Valley. I will be waiting just inside the gate to meet you. I won’t go into it but they people here have made it almost impossible for me to leave.
There is a small problem. Unless I leave the grounds I can’t send you a western union money transfer. I talked to my banker and he was very nice but he said I had signed a paper agreeing only to transfer funds if I was there at the bank in person. I don’t know what that was all about. He knows my voice but there have been some problems in the past. I guess it happened when I was off my meds. But as I said I am on my meds now and thinking very clearly.
I came up with a great idea. I used my credit card to buy you a first class ticket on Air Canada between London and Edmonton. It is in your name: Juliet Wayne. It is an open ticket and you can use it any time. You cannot get cash for it for some reason. If you turn it back in then I will get a credit on my VISA.
The ticket is waiting for you at the counter at the airport after noon tomorrow.
You will be under no obligation to stay in any of our rooms but when you see how nice they are I’m sure will want to.
Now there is one more small problem. Please don’t get mad at me. My wife is confused about what is going on so when you arrive at the house I want you to wear a man’s painting uniform. It comes with a cap that you can hide your hair under. My friend has extra uniforms. He has some paint cans for you to carry but of course they will be empty…
Is that okay?
With great respect, your friend —
Juliet likes me again. Hurray!
how are you doing today…..?, i am glad that u are safe where u are right now i really want to let u know that i feel for u and i am so sorry the way that they are treating you please babe i really need you there till i can get to you ok so that i can settle the case on ground ok i really want to meet you soon so al i need you to do is send me the money so that i can be on the plane and also i really want to le u know that i did not get any ticket u sent and by the way, u gave me the wrong password so if u want to give that to me give me now ok……i really need to see you so u can go to another western union office and send the money to this address ok….an d make sure u are able to send the one u have with you today ok i really want to be there by tomorrow as soon as u send it then send me the MTCN number to pick the money up and the full name u used in sending the money ok……………
name: Wayne Juliet
Address:30 Leicester Square.
Country, United Kingdom.
Zip Code, WC2H 7LA
Juliet discovers crazy people have crazy excuses.
I have about two hundred dollars in cash — but my five accounts are all at one bank. And for reasons that will become apparent when you get here, I CAN’T LEAVE the property. I will come clean and tell you that certain doctors feel I am insane BUT only when I skip my meds. I swear I will continue to take my meds especially if you around. But what is insane? They said Jesus was insane. Yes, he was different and he heard voices from his father. SO WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT? Nothing.
A voice once told me to buy some Skippy peanut butter and make love to it. I did it. Then I put the peanut butter back on the shelf and I watched this hot young gal buy it. Guess what stuck to the roof of her mouth? Hahahah.
Now as you know I can buy things on the internet with my VISA and AMEX. IDEA! I will buy something from you. Is there a way you can accept money as a charge from my end?
Another idea. Trade in your ticket for cash, then pick up the first class one I left for you at the Air Canada counter near London.
I beg you — do not tell my wife about us. She tried to get me to tell her my new password on gmail. Why would she want it unless she wanted to spy on me?
I have to sign off now. They are banging on my door. Sweet dreams my princess.
I miss you —
Juliet will let me buy something for her.
from Juliet wayne <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
hello i will like to let you know that if u can buy somethings online then all i want you to do is buy it and ship it to my cousin in usa West Virginia so if u can at least but what is up to four thousand dollars online to ship to his address then he will be able to sell it and send the money to me here ok so let me know if u can but some valuables like laptop, jewelries, or any other thing that you know they worth money so that he will sell it and send the money to me so that i can get on the flight ok……….hope to hear from you soon my dear ……………………………
Juliet is so close to so much money. She has me in the palm of her hand, but remember. I’m crazy. Time to turn on her, let her see my dark side.
Does this mean you will be staying for sure? What about the ticket in London? That I charged to my VISA? I do not understand, you said you needed the money to buy a ticket and you had one already??? Do you take me for a crazy person? I need to take some more meds now. I’m getting confused. I already told you that I could only get the money out of the bank if I went there in person. My friend can’t get the money. And I am trapped on my own property. THIS IS HORRIBLE!!!! Look. I have a collar around my neck that delivers a 10,000 volt shock !!!
Is this some kind of game you and my wife are playing? IT IS NOT FUNNY !!!! Have you been writing to the bitch??? Tell me the truth. I beg you.
Juliet decides to handle my con with a firm right hook.
i hate jokers i am a doc and i am not infected so if u still want me to have the room send the money as u have said and when i get there, i will make all the neccessary payment to you and u will see that u are really taking me for the wrong person so let me knw if u are still sending the money or not and send me ur full address as well as the airport name ok.
I take her body blow and surrender. Now I show Juliet what I am made of.
I am not certain what day it is. They tried to get my password from me but I would not give it up. Only you know it. If something happens to me, please sign in under my name and if my wife and her accomplices have not changed the password you will find letters that I have not sent to you. They explain everything and of course I will probably be dead or sealed off from the world. Rest assured you will never have to work a day again for the rest of your life. I’m not kidding about this.
Just after sundown I managed to pry off the lock that held my electronic collar in place. For your information they were forcing me to wear a leather collar — part of a pet containment system. These are used to keep dogs within property lines and can deliver a near lethal shock. Here is what the brochure says: “Now your dog can run, jump and play — free to be a dog — and you can rest easy knowing your family is safe and your beloved pet is secure in his own yard. That is total peace of mind.”
Peace of Mind. Bullshit!!! Not for me. Not for us !!!
The directions forbid placing these collars on humans and warn that if the collar is set to deliver maximum power then they can generate a lethal dose. In other words, my own family was willing to kill me if I tried to leave our property. And guess what? I AM NOT A DOG!!!
But I thought of you and I got away. I went to my bank and withdrew ten thousand dollars and attempted to send you the money by Western Union. You have been there for me and I appreciate you.
They had me wait in the manager’s office. The dirty son of a bitch called my wife and she soon arrived with the police, two of our lawyers and medical doctor. Or he claimed he was an MD. I bet if he ever met a real doc like you he would be tongue-tied. You could see right through him with your medical training. I am so proud of you.
The next thing I knew I woke up in a locked room.
I will tell you how I got out of there when I have more time, my darling, but for now I am safe and free. Of course they have canceled all my credit cards but what they don’t know is that I have a nice little stash of money which I will get to in a day or two. Then I will go to a different Western Union and some money. I feel I have failed you to this point.
— if my wife asks where I am, don’t tell her. If you need to reach me I am staying at The MacDonald Hotel in Edmonton. I will not use my real name — but our code name: Mr. J. Wayne — it will be our little joke. Best not to answer any of her emails. Please say you won’t. She is very devious.
She probably knows where I was trying to send that money because I printed that out from your email with the instructions and someone at the bank had that document. We may have to use a different address to get you the money now.
One good thing. I found out that you (or someone you sent) picked up the first class ticket from London to Edmonton — hold onto it. You are welcome to keep the money from it, for now there is no point trying to trade it in because the money can only be credited to my name. For now hold onto it. It’s money in the bank down the road for you.
In the next seventy-two hours I will start divorce proceedings — the courts in Canada do not take it lightly when a man is treated like a dog and kept illegally on his own property.
I think of you a lot.
How I long for a photo of you — something I could use to help me with my sketching. A man can dream, can’t he? Sometimes when you are old that is all you have left.
I am so confused. I don’t have my meds with me. They are watching the drug stores so I dare not try to get them. But you know something, I think I’m better.
Maybe we could meet at your friend’s place in West Virginia. That is were my great grandmother and great-grandfather met. They were first or second cousins as I recall.
P.S. — I went past a church and lit a candle for us. Something went amiss and I started a small fire. I got out of there in a hurry. I’m not even a Catholic. It’s just that you remind me of a Madonna. There I have said it.
Juliet senses she has almost got me. She gives me a command, tempered with compassion.
just send what ever u have ok i will let u see some pics as soon as i hear back from you ok stay safe my dear……..i hope ur wife is ok as well and i pray that u get better soon i want to meet you ok
Juliet checks my password. Gulp. It does not work.
Juliet is understandably indignant.
hello i want to let u know that i found out that u are a fool and i didnt ask u for ur password but u gave it to me so i dont know why but u are a silly guy and i dont know why i should keep talking to you but all i wanted was to be with you and seee what i can do to help you with ur present condition u are an asshole i thought i could be of help to and see what i could do to make u feel free but i see u dont appreciate and u dont want to help ur sel;f ok so suit ur self liar ……….tell you wife i will mail her tonight ok u silly brat.
I feign fear.
Please tell me what you said to my wife. Does she have any idea how much I want you to come to Edmonton? It’s really important you send a copy of the note you sent to my wife to me. I swear I will not show it to her. She is very cunning. And she has set things up so I can’t leave the property. The money is not a problem. Getting to the bank is the problem. We have to trust each other because I think my wife is planning on harming me. I really want you to have the money so you will feel comfortable about flying to Edmonton.
Juliet decides to placate me.
Juliet wayne <email@example.com> wrote:
all i told her was if she was going to send me the money so that i can start getting back and she told me that she was sorry for the way you talked to me so all i can say now is that i have not tell her anything that should make u panic ok so tell me how do u intend to send me the money then ……dont you have anycash with you?
I tell Juliet I have no money and question her about my wife:
Juliet wayne <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
nope i only wrote her once all i need now is that i need the money to make the payment ok so let me know if u are going to find a way to send cash cos that is how i can get to canada ok u need to look for a way to get cash and u can as well send someone to go and send it for you to my address as soon as u get it so do what u need to do fast and quick ok
Juliet is anxious and I’m being so helpful.
No cash. Just love. j
Juliet tries one last gambit.
Juliet wayne <email@example.com> wrote:
Hello i will like tolet u know that i already have a ticket ok all i need to do is settle some other money stuff so why not tell ur friend to go toi western union on ur behalf and send the money cos i wont use the online ticket ok i will fly my way in so i need to get the money so that i can make my move in ok so get back to me as soon as u want to send the money ok
—– On Fri, 3/13/09, jaron summers <jaronbs@gmail..com> wrote:
I am still really nice.
OK. That makes sense. jaron
Juliet has wasted too much time, she reverts to her true self. Ms. Cut and Paste.
hello here is the address to send the money me through western union money transfer and as well i will need ur address and the name of the closest airport so that i can fill them when i am booking the flight ok and i will email u the schedule and the time u will come and pick me up…….and as soon as you send the money please send me the MTCN Number and the senders full name and the address….and as for the picture i dont share my nakedness with someone that is not my comnpanion so please mind what u are asking me to do ok let me know when u will send the money ok ……………………………..hope to hear from u soon ok
Address: 60 Great Ormond Street
London WC1N 3HR
text question:what for?
First class…….$1050 USD
So I become another person:
I am looking still for a rental. Since Hubert, my husband, passed, the house seems empty. You sound like a very nice lady. I have a confession. Sometimes I smoke a pipe. Would that bother you? Hubert fixed up cars for a living. All six of my sons are dead.
Mrs. Hubert Thingee
As Popa Dwight, I send this off —
Are you okay? You frightened me when you spoke of an insane person in your life. I did not hear from you and you seemed frightened in your last email. Let me know if you are safe. Have you been contacted by anyone that my daughter sent your email to — there is a former friend of the family who is a real fruitcake in Vancouver.
We have nothing to do with him. He tells people he has some kind of a pet ape. I know that sounds bizarre.
For God sakes do not give him your address or phone. He has a lot of money and he gets into terrible trouble.
She does not respond. So I try again:
Subject: RE: Great room with private bath
You have me confused with someone else. You really have.
Georgia, my daughter, sent me a note with five or six emails in them from people who had responded to her ad. (I gave her our home after my wife and went our different ways.) Georgia successful rented the house to a really nice couple from New York who contacted her through email.
To tell you the truth, I am not all that familiar with emailing and computers — although I can really type okay.
But what I am familiar with is someone who is in trouble and frightened. You speak of needing to be safe…
I assure you my place is really quite safe and although I am not a house owner, I have a long term lease for the apartment (pictured below) — and in that lease I can really sublet.
You can see the photos below, if my place is of interest to you, I can assure you that you will find a really safe haven.
Thinking of you and a little bit worried for the troubles you have had, I remain,
P.S. — and please never deal with anyone who admits to being insane. Such a person could be really dangerous. Were you dating this person or something? Have you notified the authorities? You really should.
Juliet is not taken in. I have gone too far but she is not really certain who is playing games with her. She again sends the following email to five people I have made up including Susan White (the only sane person in the group.)
i have been emailing you and u told e u were mad or insane so i dont think there will be need to talk to me any more about any room since u have been lying to me all i need is a good house owner so that i will be safe ok
Meanwhile my buddy in London is getting ready to spring a trap on Juliet. He has made 100s of documentaries. He emails me the following:
OK, I have a cunning plan.
Just tell Juliet Wayne/Juliet ?? That you have your fund manager in London who will meet in person to give cash and gold ingots for transport to either Edmo or Van. (Depending on which ruse you want to use).
I will show up and film the shyster(s).
I think you have wound them up enough already and need to ‘close’.
As your ‘agent’ I will ‘meet’ them and give them money and ingots for transport to Van or Edmo or Kona.
I will meet them at the pre-arranged time.
I shall film whomever comes awaiting the meet, but need to have a visual description of what they will be wearing/looking like etc.
No problem. If they bite, they bite. If they don’t, then you can castigate them by email.
I hope to nail these mother*uckers on camera, and maybe help to get them prosecuted. Either way, it will be a lot of fun.
This is your agent in England awaiting further instructions.
Tony and I may have some fun but I worry that he may take this sting too far and get hurt. I caution him not to take any chances.
Tony promises only to watch and observe from the shadows while can lure this twist into a pubic place but knowing Tony he will be in some kind of Sherlockian disguise with a wide angle lens, probably attired as an Episodically man of the cloth.
I think he forgets we are both at that age where we cannot flee that fast or avoid left hooks as effortlessly as we did in our youth.
Juliet may be onto us. If she’s not her IQ is probably room temperature and we’re talking Celsius.
On the other hand, maybe her ability in English is so inept she can’t spot my nonsense.
Maybe I have convinced her I’m crazier than a shit house rat, albeit a sincere rodent.
I write to Tony: “Now, Tony, you must be very careful. I know you — DO NOT pounce on this woman no matter how tempting it is.
“She and her accomplice must never know she/they are being photographed.”
Tony says not to worry.
But I do.
I then write a note to Juliet from my wife. My wife explains to her I am nuts.
Juliet sends the following to me.
On Sun / 2:20 AM, mistress juliet <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
do no(t) email me again losser
Do you notice in the above email she is listed as “Mistress”? It appears she is uncertain who is doing what but realizes she has wasted time with me.
And she must have another con going in which she is into some kind of sexual game. “Mistress” indeed.
I start yet another new relationship with Juliet.
This time I’m Kathleen Maddock in Hawaii.
Acting as Kathleen I fire off an email to Dr. Juliet.
Is there a problem with my email? I changed it recently. I am Kathleen Maddock and I already told you about my place in Kona, Hawaii. It’s on the ocean.
We have six rooms. Yours would have a great view of the ocean. You have a private bathroom. The rent is $2,000 a month. The minimum stay is six months. I need a check for $6,000. We pay utilities. No parties. No bringing men home. Lights off at 11. NO EXCEPTIONS. And no tobacco ANYWHERE on the premises.
You can’t use my phone. Get your cell phone to work if you want to phone anyone. You can use the Internet ONLY in the evening. I have five businesses in New York and they are on a different time zone. Besides you will be happier not being here all day long. NO DRUGS!!! Leave your shoes at the front door in the rack. NO SAND in the house.
You can move in April 3. No sooner.
By the way you can’t be a medical doctor. No self respecting M.D. would talk or write like you. Or you are a foreign person. Are you? I hope you are not from Australia.
We had a girl and her mother from England who stayed here. Pigs. Oink. Oink!!! If you don’t have brains enough to flush the toilet, you’re out and I’m keeping your entire balance.
If you want to live here you better have really good references.
DO NOT TRY TO CHEAT ME.
You say you have a great sense of humor? Ha! Really. I didn’t see anything funny in what you wrote. I have a very good sense of humor. What do you do for humor — wear a clown suit? Don’t even think about it. I don’t care if you have big tits, you keep your top on when you are on the balcony.
We have laws in Hawaii. Don’t believe that stuff Jimmy Mitchener wrote. I used to date him 40 years ago. He really like oral pleasure. What a sicko. I sent him packing !!!
P.S. — Doc, send me a photo of you and it better show you in scrubs and you better have a stethoscope around your neck. Oh. The color of the walls are white. And they are staying that way.
Guess what — she falls for the bait.
hello i am so glad to her from you and i will like to get to you so tht i can mke the payment in csh or i cn hve it transfered to ur bank of america bank account asap ok or i cn have a check sent to you including my tickect money so as soon as u cash the check u will deduct the rent and send the rest of the money bck to em so that i can use it to pay for my flight ok
So along with the weather report I send Juliet a nasty note back —
Today in KONA
Mostly sunny. Haze through the day. Isolated showers in the afternoon. Highs around 82 at the shore to 66 to 71 at 5000 feet. East winds 10 to 15 mph shifting to the west in the late morning and afternoon. Chance of rain 20 percent.
You say you are happy to hear from me. I am not happy to hear from you. What are you some kind of imbecile? Yes, I said imbecile!!!
Have you been into the sauce? You write like a drunk or a druggie. We want none of that here. Learn to use English. What is your first language? Pig Latin?
I asked you nicely for some information and you send me back a bunch of damn fool questions. Of course you can rent a room from me. I already told you how much. I told you THREE TIMES!!! It took me a long time to write that letter. I will accept a check from your boss but it had better be a good one. You can go to jail for fraud. Tell him that. If he stiffs me he had better head for the hills. I have a grandson who is a police officer in Moose Jaw, Sask. I am not sending you jack shit until your boss’ check clears my bank.
Now read the letter below and you will discover the answer to all of your questions.
I can’t believe you are a doctor. And speaking of that I asked for a photo of you in scrubs. Do you know what scrubs are? If you don’t you are not a doctor.
Unless you send me a photo of yourself the way I asked, DO NOT BOTHER ME ever again.
It is lovely and tranquil here in Kona. The green turtles are frolicking in the lagoon not 30 feet from your room.
P.S. — if you are really a doctor, how come I have double vision when I look at a checkerboard from only a few inches?
Kathleen never hears from Juliet again. I guess paradise is not for the doc.
Ah, but as Jaron I fudge an email to Juliet’s reply to Kathleen. It “appears” I received a copy of their exchange by error.
I use this a pretext to write Juliet.
I figure Juliet will assume that when she sent the email to crazy Kathleen in Hawaii, she also sent a copy to me by mistake.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I am okay now. My lawyers have been magnificent, although they have cost me an arm and a leg. There is no way my wife can keep me on the property and the authorities had to release me after 72 hours. You know why? BECAUSE I AM PERFECTLY SANE !!!!
And despite what my wife might think I am far from broke.
I have funds in Porcupine Flats, Saskatchewan that I can lay my hands on and I have one credit card in another name. One of my aliases is David Leno. And I have money in GB — more of that later.
A part of my life has been a blank. The emails that went sailing back and forth. I think we both said things we regretted, Juliet. I know I did. How could I do and say such things? It took me some time to find the emails my wife had purged but nothing can really be erased from the Internet.
My email in which I had called you a *unt actually had been sent. Maybe my wife, who is very vindictive sent it. But I really don’t believe you are a *unt. I was simply out of my skull when I wrote it. It was the bad me talking. After all, I did not send it. (Told you that I AM PERFECTLY SANE!!!) The proof is in the pudding as my grandmother used to say before she took her life.
Let us talk about other things now that I am okay.
I have a broker in London who has made our family a great deal of money. He has been holding my European assets there — at least my grandfather’s. I knew this broker when I was only a child. He bounced me on his knee and stroked me. I love the man.
I showed him one of your photos (The one that does not make you look like a whore) and we have been talking on the phone. He said I was a damn fool for behaving the way I did but he forgave me since he realized I was off my meds.
He said it was apparent that you were in financial trouble and I was a first class asshole for not helping you when I said I would.
Now I am going to get right to the point here. No beating around the bush.
He is ready to send you ten thousand Euros. I emailed him the authority early this morning. The only question is do you want the money sent to the same address?
I know this will not make up for the beast I have been — but all of that was the result of my own insecurity, amplified by not taking the Thorazine.
After you get the money, perhaps you would agree to see me in BC. I have a great home there in the shape of a totem pole. AND I AM PERFECTLY SANE !!! I will show you the court transcripts.
Her response comes quickly. She might be able to get some cash from this idiot landlord. (So what if I’m crazy?)
go and tell the lawyer to send the money to the ame address ok i will get to you as soon as i gt in the state ok i need the money to get to you
I send the following. Remember, I’m trying to trick her into a meet in the London underground where Tony waits.
Are you all right? I know you need money and I will get it for you. I am in a borrowed car, headed toward Porcupine Flats. You must believe me when I tell you there are no Western Unions here. I am not that far from the Rocky Mountains. They are beautiful. Two hours ago I saw a pack of wolves. It looked like they were eating a game warden. I did not stop.
I do not quite understand your letter, Doc. You say to send the money to the “ame” address. Do you mean “same” address? Because if you do, then there is no problem — my broker is in London. You can pick it up from his office.
I do not know what you mean when you refer to a lawyer. (Have you been drinking? That’s just a joke. Sorry.) In my unstable condition — did I write to you about a lawyer?
Please help me here. I am a bit confused. I went through quite a time with my wife and I had two lawyers help me with the legal papers to obtain my release from where she illegally committed me. These lawyers have nothing to do with my finances.
They do not know that the majority of my money is in England. As you know my wife got into my computer and deleted all of our exchanges. I had everything restored. Boy I was naughty, saying those things to you, wasn’t I? It won’t happen again. Promise.
Doc, after you get some money in London, would you bring over several (small) gold ingots to me here in Canada? It is perfectly legal.
With deep respect and admiration (and apologies),
Be careful, my darling, there are wolves out there. I have seen them. I have smeared my under clothing with urine from Mountain Lion.
The wolves keep their distance — and so do the gas station attendants and the coffee shop people.
Again her response comes quickly. More of the good old cut and paste.
Jaron: go and tell the lawyer to send the money to the ame address ok i will get to you as soon as i gt in the state ok i need the money to get to you! Juliet
I write back to Juliet and try to lure her into the underground.
She writes horrible, nasty things to me.
Still she is not certain if any of the emails she has sent to potential suckers are being answered by my alter egos or potential suckers.
None of the dozen other “people” whom I created and were normal hear from Juliet.
Ms. Cut and Paste has run out of energy.
She has gone to ground.
Still in a week or two you could always write to her at email@example.com and ask the good doctor if she wants to rent your room.
I know I’m going to.
To be continued….