Jaron: Reverend Jackson, what’s wrong with America?
Reverend Jackson: It’s morally bankrupt. The greatest sin is Men of God who betray their families. These so-called Christian leaders shag anything that struts by their steeples.
Jaron: Why do women allow it?
Reverend Jackson: Some are innocent and attracted to power and sadly, tax-free money. Other steeple chasers wear perfume and dress in low-cut blouses that expose their altars.
Jaron: I had no idea that it was that serious.
Reverend Jackson: Oh yes, these women make provocative comments about the steeples that belong to Men of God. A Man of God needs to be strong. He should never consider introducing his steeple to a young woman and then ringing his church bells — boing, boing, boing.
Jaron: Do you ever think of such things?
Reverend Jackson: Bite your tongue. Women — even those with C and D altars — are gifts from our Father in Heaven. They look on me as a man of Great Spiritual Strength. A man who may be the next President of the United States of America, one who will hold the nation to a higher moral standard.
Jaron: In other words you don’t sin?
Reverend Jackson: Bite your tongue again. No man is without sin. But I keep my sins to an absolute minimum.
Jaron: What sins have you committed?
Reverend Jackson: Once I stuck my chewing gum to the underside of a restaurant counter. And, when I was a child I put a nickel in a newspaper box and took out two papers. One for our family and one for the widow who lived down the lane so she could see when church started.
Jaron: When President Clinton was going through his problems with Monica, you went to the White House as his spiritual advisor.
Reverend Jackson: Yes. God made it known to me that I could heal our nation.
Jaron: Didn’t you take one of your assistants with you — Karin Stanford — who was carrying your love child? A lady who made hundreds of thousands of dollars working for your organization, the Rainbow Coalition?
Reverend Jackson: Those are terrible lies, spread by the Anti-Christ. Or maybe George Bush.
Jaron: Ms. Stanford doesn’t exist?
Reverend Jackson: Certainly. She has a baby that looks like me. But that just proves how cunning Lucifer and the Republican Party can be.
Jaron: So you didn’t introduce your steeple to her —
Reverend Jackson: Stop! I am a Man of God! I admit I stuck some chewing gum under a counter once. But I have never stuck anything into any steeple chaser. Our time is up.
Jaron: Thank you for clearing the air about the vicious rumors surrounding your ministry. God bless you.
Reverend Jackson: Thank you but you do not have the power to bless anyone. You are not an ordained minister of our Father in Heaven, as I am.
Jaron: I’m sorry.
Reverend Jackson: Both God and I forgive you. Go and sin no more (John 8:11).