Send in the Clones

News Item:  The Iraqi government has enlisted Saddam Hussein look-alikes in an effort to thwart assassination attempts on their leader. In a secret section of Iraq, Saddam Hussein strolled past the his many clones, standing ramrod straight.

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jaron summers (c) 2012

News Item:  The Iraqi government has enlisted Saddam Hussein look-alikes in an effort to thwart assassination attempts on their leader.

In a secret section of Iraq, Saddam Hussein strolled past the his many clones, standing ramrod straight.

Dozens sported a Saddam Hussein haircut and a Saddam Hussein moustache. Each wore a crisp Saddam Hussein Iraq military uniform and Saddam Hussein spit shined shoes.

Even close members of Saddam’s family would have a hard time telling the men apart.

Each “volunteer” had undergone plastic surgery to look more like Saddam than you could believe possible.

All had eaten fried goat cheese (six times a day) to build up their little potbellies so that their tummies were exactly like Saddam Hussein’s little potbelly.

“Which one of you entered my wife’s bedroom last night?” asked Saddam Hussein with great benevolence.

Not a clone spoke.

A nearby giant TV security screen replayed a dead ringer for Saddam Hussein creeping into a woman’s bedroom. The man had his way with a half-sleeping woman who responded with surprising enthusiasm when he began to flop around on top of her.

Saddam took out his Saddam Hussein revolver and cocked it.

“As the security tape shows, one of you has been boinking my wife.”

No response.

“I am going to kill every one of you — plenty more bloody volunteers to take your places.” He aimed his gun at the first clone, his finger tightening on the trigger.

“I confess,” said the fifth clone.

Saddam ran to the man. “You played ‘Hide the Scimitar Sausage” with my wife’s infertile crescent?”

The man nodded.

“The rest of you leave. Number Five and I have unfinished business.”

Assorted clones men vanished in a Baghdad second.

Number Five waited for the bullet.

Saddam spoke. “How you could get it up with my first wife is beyond me. The bitch has been nagging me to bed her for decades. Now do your duty for the people of Iraq tonight. Here’s a key to her bedchamber.”

“Yes, great one,” said the clone and scampered off.

Saddam lit a cigar. Eventually the infidels would probably kill all the clones and get him.

But until that day the great Arab leader would no longer have to endure his wife’s ranting (along with her accusations that he couldn’t get it up).

Praise be to ALLAH.

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jaron

jaron

Jaron Summers wrote dozens of primetime television and radio programs, including those for HBO, CBS, ACCESS TV and CBC. He conceived the TV and Film Institute of Canada. Funded by the University of Alberta and ITV, Jaron ran the Institute for 12 years, donating his services for a decade.

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